Hey TL, I just came back from a fraternity mixer, I'm thinking about joining that fraternity, I really enjoy the guys there, but that isn't what this is about. This is about me and something I realized at the party today, and yesterday.
I'm not going to make this pretty, I'm not going to structure this blog other than paragraphing. Why? Because this is a bit raw, and it just seems wrong to give rawness structure. With that said, I feel empty and at risk with my sexuality. I'm gonna take a step back and break that down so it feels less stupid. It's talking to girls that doesn't bother me, it's initiated that next level of contact.
I was just standing there at the party, on the dance floor. People dancing, people grinding, people making out, and I'm pretty sure I saw a bj on the floor; all that is normal, nothing to crazy there. What I found was crazy, was how meek I was. How meek I am. It was no paralysis, it was emptiness. I felt less than whole. I saw girls looking lonely, some more drunk than others. I saw girls looking lonely, looking for guys to fill that void that their self-esteem left open. How poetic of me to just stop, drop, and roll the fuck away from all of that into my own little safety hole.
It's that next level that gets me. I can have a conversation, I'm actually pretty charismatic. I did debate, model UN, all the speaking things I could, because I think on my feet very well, at least I feel like I used to. Ever since my ex and I mutually split, I'm starting to realize why I was single even then. She was the one who initiated with me, she was the girl who made it obvious she liked me, and yet I couldn't bring myself to initiate with her. Eventually I took the hint, eventually I got with her, eventually I got on her level; the level she wanted me to be at from the start.
I had a conversation with a friend who has a boyfriend today. She told me that it's ok to grind with a girl, and if she has a boyfriend and you kiss her but don't know that, she just goes away and no harm, no foul. I can't bring myself to that. I can't make myself make that connection, even though I know I won't get denied. I'm not all that attractive right now, still have my braces, still am short and really young looking, but all that doesn't mean shit honestly. The real reason is because I have no faith in myself to judge the situation and no confidence in my ability to not be rejected. It's a numbers game, I get that, but it's hard to do that when the campus is small and everyone at least recognizes everyone else.
That emptiness, that feeling is the feeling of loss. I recently split with my gf, and maybe I'm just not over it, but this is ridiculous. I'm a fantastic boyfriend. That's not a boast, that's just something I've come to find during my relationship times. I'm a shitty boy. That's not deprecation, that's seeing my abilities to initiate the next level with a girl over just small talk.
I was given advice from a friend who received the advice from another friend. He told my friend, in all his drunken wisdom, that guys should just wait for the girl to come along, that love find people, people don't find love. I respectfully agree and disagree. I agree love finds people, but I don't want to leave it up to fate. Unfortunately, I feel that he's right. I'm not whole, I won't be until I get a lot more experiences, but even more than that what I saw tonight; the hesitation - that isn't to say I didn't have fun with friends, wasn't extroverted talking to people I didn't know, and didn't get around and be generally fun - the inability to move beyond just being a guy who's fun to talk to, it was a bit disheartening.
I'll end this with this bit. There is all the advice in the world I could follow for this. I know the issue is me, that's simple. My issue isn't how to fix it, the answer to that is simple. Just grow some nuts. Well, that or join a frat and be forced to grow nuts. My issue? My issue is how to understand why I'm uncomfortable being brash and why it scares me so much to attempt what I know I can do.
It is very clear from your girl[less] blog and this blog that this was not a mutual breakup, but a scenario in which you were coerced into and had no choice but to agree
On September 23 2013 02:29 Smurfett3 wrote: You and your ex "mutually splitting". lol.
It is very clear from your girl[less] blog and this blog that this was not a mutual breakup, but a scenario in which you were coerced into and had no choice but to agree
Your ability to be so sure of your opinion after you were just informed of in small measure by a couple lines in my blog astounds me. Especially because it's contrary to what I said.
On that note. Yes, being happy without a girl would be a great thing, but this isn't about that. I'm working on that right now, but this is disconcerting. I feel like I don't have any of the brashness that people love to see in young lovers, ya know? I feel like I'm way to safe, or maybe you're right and I'm just over-thinking it all. Either way, I still feel like a wuss when I just pass up open opportunities.
On September 23 2013 02:29 Smurfett3 wrote: You and your ex "mutually splitting". lol.
It is very clear from your girl[less] blog and this blog that this was not a mutual breakup, but a scenario in which you were coerced into and had no choice but to agree
Your ability to be so sure of your opinion after you were just informed of in small measure by a couple lines in my blog astounds me. Especially because it's contrary to what I said.
On that note. Yes, being happy without a girl would be a great thing, but this isn't about that. I'm working on that right now, but this is disconcerting. I feel like I don't have any of the brashness that people love to see in young lovers, ya know? I feel like I'm way to safe, or maybe you're right and I'm just over-thinking it all. Either way, I still feel like a wuss when I just pass up open opportunities.
yes you are way too safe.
yes you are overthinking it.
also it takes a trained eye to recognize opportunities as they come across. Opportunities that you missed are simply because you weren't experienced enough to recognize that they were opportunities until you analyzed the situation after it had already passt.
It's a concrete rule of success that you are going to fail countless times before you achieve something that you are working towards.
Maybe the bolded text and what you are working towards right now have underlying similarities and are more interconnected than you give thought to. If you aren't happy without a girl, that is a completely different issue in itself and sounds like a deeper underlying problem than simply not having any zest as would be with your perception of other young lovers
Eh if you feel out of place at those kinds of parties then why do you go to them? If you're not a party animal, it's stupid to pretend to fit in and just feel bad about it the whole time. My advice -- just find some real friends whom you can have a good time with even if everyone is sober.
Alternatively, you can consume and create music/art about how you feel. Sometimes a social martyr is good for the world
On September 23 2013 02:29 Smurfett3 wrote: You and your ex "mutually splitting". lol.
It is very clear from your girl[less] blog and this blog that this was not a mutual breakup, but a scenario in which you were coerced into and had no choice but to agree
Your ability to be so sure of your opinion after you were just informed of in small measure by a couple lines in my blog astounds me. Especially because it's contrary to what I said.
On that note. Yes, being happy without a girl would be a great thing, but this isn't about that. I'm working on that right now, but this is disconcerting. I feel like I don't have any of the brashness that people love to see in young lovers, ya know? I feel like I'm way to safe, or maybe you're right and I'm just over-thinking it all. Either way, I still feel like a wuss when I just pass up open opportunities.
yes you are way too safe.
yes you are overthinking it.
also it takes a trained eye to recognize opportunities as they come across. Opportunities that you missed are simply because you weren't experienced enough to recognize that they were opportunities until you analyzed the situation after it had already passt.
It's a concrete rule of success that you are going to fail countless times before you achieve something that you are working towards.
Maybe the bolded text and what you are working towards right now have underlying similarities and are more interconnected than you give thought to. If you aren't happy without a girl, that is a completely different issue in itself and sounds like a deeper underlying problem than simply not having any zest as would be with your perception of other young lovers
They definitely do have a lot to do with each other. I've noticed, especially with me, that when I'm content with life or content with who I am I am more successful at everything I do. The underlying problem is more about not feeling up to par, but fixing that in the short term isn't an option, and I'd rather not whittle away my college youth not having any experiences with girls until I hit that baseline which I might never hit. While you're right on that point, it doesn't make solving the issues any easier, it just poses new questions to answer; not exactly what I hoped would happen.
On September 23 2013 02:29 Smurfett3 wrote: You and your ex "mutually splitting". lol.
It is very clear from your girl[less] blog and this blog that this was not a mutual breakup, but a scenario in which you were coerced into and had no choice but to agree
Your ability to be so sure of your opinion after you were just informed of in small measure by a couple lines in my blog astounds me. Especially because it's contrary to what I said.
On that note. Yes, being happy without a girl would be a great thing, but this isn't about that. I'm working on that right now, but this is disconcerting. I feel like I don't have any of the brashness that people love to see in young lovers, ya know? I feel like I'm way to safe, or maybe you're right and I'm just over-thinking it all. Either way, I still feel like a wuss when I just pass up open opportunities.
yes you are way too safe.
yes you are overthinking it.
also it takes a trained eye to recognize opportunities as they come across. Opportunities that you missed are simply because you weren't experienced enough to recognize that they were opportunities until you analyzed the situation after it had already passt.
It's a concrete rule of success that you are going to fail countless times before you achieve something that you are working towards.
Maybe the bolded text and what you are working towards right now have underlying similarities and are more interconnected than you give thought to. If you aren't happy without a girl, that is a completely different issue in itself and sounds like a deeper underlying problem than simply not having any zest as would be with your perception of other young lovers
They definitely do have a lot to do with each other. I've noticed, especially with me, that when I'm content with life or content with who I am I am more successful at everything I do. The underlying problem is more about not feeling up to par, but fixing that in the short term isn't an option, and I'd rather not whittle away my college youth not having any experiences with girls until I hit that baseline which I might never hit. While you're right on that point, it doesn't make solving the issues any easier, it just poses new questions to answer; not exactly what I hoped would happen.
You cannot quick-fix this. Finding out new questions to answer is exactly what you need to progress through this. This is a long term self-improvement thing and you can't expect yourself to fix it in a month, six months, hell even a year depending on the amount of progress you make.
Embrace these feelings of being disgusted by the vapidity of such scenes. Why do you feel like you need to grind and grope girls to be fulfilled? I don't think a frat mixer is the best place to meet deep and interesting women, but I've learned that people can compartmentalize their behavior so all hope is not lost. Bearing that in mind, why don't you just talk to one and not attempt to make contact with their pubic area.
As far as frats, while I generally embrace dedication to single activities, I think it's dangerous to lock yourself in, especially so early in your career.
On September 23 2013 04:11 Jerubaal wrote: Embrace these feelings of being disgusted by the vapidity of such scenes. Why do you feel like you need to grind and grope girls to be fulfilled? I don't think a frat mixer is the best place to meet deep and interesting women, but I've learned that people can compartmentalize their behavior so all hope is not lost. Bearing that in mind, why don't you just talk to one and not attempt to make contact with their pubic area.
As far as frats, while I generally embrace dedication to single activities, I think it's dangerous to lock yourself in, especially so early in your career.
I have a lot girls who are friends of mine, but that isn't really the issues here. What you are talking about is what I do ALL the time. That's the thing about the next level. I'm a great friend, I'm easy to talk to and there when people need me, but when it's a girl that I'm attracted to I can't overtly say it to them. The issue isn't touching their pubic areas, the issue is not doing it. Now BisuEver is right, there are things I have to work on my own that I won't be able to perfectly make up for a long time. But still, I'd like to spend my college time having at least some fun while I work on myself. I'm not some crazily tattered and torn person, as much as sometimes I think people get that out of my blogs. I have my shit together academically, friendship wise, family wise. I don't have my shit together when it comes to saying what I want to say to girls. Yeah the situation is vacuous, and yeah that emptiness that I'm talking about has a lot to do with the lack of brashness, but honestly I'm not some fucked up kid who need help. I'm a kid who needs to find my way, but finding my way can't mean throwing away every possible attempt to get with a girl in doing so. It doesn't make sense to prioritize girls over all else, but it also doesn't make sense to avoid all those experiences all together also.
EDIT: Didn't mean for this to be a wall of text. I guess what I wanted everyone to get out of this is not what they got, but that's fair. I tried to take time off not making "girl-esque" blogs and had planned to make one instead of this, but I guess it all comes back to that topic with me eventually.
On September 23 2013 04:11 Jerubaal wrote: Embrace these feelings of being disgusted by the vapidity of such scenes. Why do you feel like you need to grind and grope girls to be fulfilled? I don't think a frat mixer is the best place to meet deep and interesting women, but I've learned that people can compartmentalize their behavior so all hope is not lost. Bearing that in mind, why don't you just talk to one and not attempt to make contact with their pubic area.
As far as frats, while I generally embrace dedication to single activities, I think it's dangerous to lock yourself in, especially so early in your career.
I have a lot girls who are friends of mine, but that isn't really the issues here. What you are talking about is what I do ALL the time. That's the thing about the next level. I'm a great friend, I'm easy to talk to and there when people need me, but when it's a girl that I'm attracted to I can't overtly say it to them. The issue isn't touching their pubic areas, the issue is not doing it. Now BisuEver is right, there are things I have to work on my own that I won't be able to perfectly make up for a long time. But still, I'd like to spend my college time having at least some fun while I work on myself. I'm not some crazily tattered and torn person, as much as sometimes I think people get that out of my blogs. I have my shit together academically, friendship wise, family wise. I don't have my shit together when it comes to saying what I want to say to girls. Yeah the situation is vacuous, and yeah that emptiness that I'm talking about has a lot to do with the lack of brashness, but honestly I'm not some fucked up kid who need help. I'm a kid who needs to find my way, but finding my way can't mean throwing away every possible attempt to get with a girl in doing so. It doesn't make sense to prioritize girls over all else, but it also doesn't make sense to avoid all those experiences all together also.
EDIT: Didn't mean for this to be a wall of text. I guess what I wanted everyone to get out of this is not what they got, but that's fair. I tried to take time off not making "girl-esque" blogs and had planned to make one instead of this, but I guess it all comes back to that topic with me eventually.
well for starters, you should stop using the word "brashness"
I'm a little confused about your motivations then. You seem to express disdain for these superficial passing encounters, in particular you have pity for the young women that desire such encounters for validation, yet you then claim to wish you could engage in this behavior. So what is it exactly that you want? To dance at a party? A girlfriend? Casual sex?
On September 23 2013 06:23 Jerubaal wrote: I'm a little confused about your motivations then. You seem to express disdain for these superficial passing encounters, in particular you have pity for the young women that desire such encounters for validation, yet you then claim to wish you could engage in this behavior. So what is it exactly that you want? To dance at a party? A girlfriend? Casual sex?
I'm not showing too much disdain, I'm more saying I know their motives for what they do. What I want is to be able to have the courage to go up to a girl and say, "you look fantastic, I'm doing X later, do you want to come with?" or with no words just dance with a girl because I have enough confidence in myself to do so. I don't expect any girl to automatically go with me or want to be with me. What I do expect is for myself to man up so that I at least give them the choice to say no rather than not say anything at all. It's a bit of a dichotomy, on the one hand I don't want advice because I know what I need to do, on the other hand I don't want to make it seem like this is some kind of girl blog when its really more of a growing up blog.
Also I'll stop using the word brashness. I just like how it sounds.
On September 23 2013 06:42 Smurfett3 wrote: well eye contact, body posture, and nonverbal communication...how comfortable are you with all that?
Going through the motions isn't the problem. It's getting myself to the point where my bodies does it. I have faith in myself (as stupid as that sounds). What I'm afraid of isn't rejection, everyone goes through that. The thing is that I don't know what I'm so afraid of. That's why I made this blog. That is the emptiness I hit on, the lacking of action. I don't know what's missing, but it's missing. I might just nut up and tell myself it isn't, but deep down I know it is.
You feel empty, you feel like shit, you're hurting, and you want advice. Answer? Move away from TL, you won't find the emotional understanding and support you need, here. "Being a man" is not about crushing your heart until you don't feel pain anymore, being so numb and desensitized you go in for meaningless hookups, with no satisfaction on the other end. http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=365414 <-- similar, read it, it took a long time to write <: I'm glad you realize how pointless much of the activity of youth culture (pre-adult, unfortunately its not fair to call college kids adults) is today. STD/STI's on the dancefloor don't make you a bigger man. Plus they're the only thing that last from that sort of lifestyle (note the significant lack of lasting satisfaction). I'm sad it's so utterly empty, and I'm sorry that's your current reality. But hey, its good you recognize it's full of shit now, instead of having wasted 4 years pursuing it. Clearly, the solution to your problem is not to become just another bro in a valueless-sex-chasing system. Grow, become yourself, develop confidence in something which doesn't depend on the approval of girls (or any external people). Go and talk to the nice people who'll listen and who actually care. The best thing you can do is talk to people IRL, building meaningful lasting relationships. Join some clubs, or climbing, or breakdance, or DJing. Go to faith talks, and learn about people with different non-typical priority systems, to discover what makes them tick inside. There's no shame in friends who you can rely on. I don't know, try to start an eSports club. In any case, completely changing yourself just to get a skillset of talking to girls won't necessarily improve you as a person, we've got a really nice example of that right here: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=426651 Instead, change your priorities, and quit chasing that is the most important thing for satisfaction. Grow...
are you upset about your meekness/trying to understand that, or is there something else
if its about meekness then you are in control of your life, and the decisions that you make, i think. when i am upset about the way i am doing things, the choices that i am making, etc., then i ask myself "what am i doing right now that is moving me towards where i want to be" and focus on being as productive as possible.
if its something else then it is hard to say, because i feel like you arent being as clear as you can, which i think is intentional, or something that you are struggling with because i think when you describe this as being "raw" that raw is a sort of abstraction that is trying to explain a specific way that you are feeling that, maybe, you aren't sure of yourself. still, you are control of your life, and the decisions you make, i think.
Listen man if you are interested in hooking up with young college chicks then you might indeed have to start behaving a little more like a horny boy if you want to get action. That's not to say there aren't PLENTY of more reserved women who will find that a massive turn off and will go for someone like you any day of the week (hint, they can be found in the LIBRARY not the dance floor).
However please don't a) judge women based off the experience of them at college and b) change the way you act towards women based on the way you see college girls reacting to frat boys. Women get tired of that bullshit and they also learn a shit load just like boys so you should probably just realise that, while this might be a fairly difficult awkward time for you (will get better 2nd year and 3rd year), you are definitely more set up to have good relationships in the long term.
EPT
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