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I've been drinking the entire night, I'm scared and I'm going to write my first TL blog.
I've been so eager to write on TL for the last moths, but didn't have the courage to write. But after some beers, I'm ready:
I'm scared s**tless.
I'm scared of beeing myself. I'm scared of showing my first love that i truly love her. I'll propably never say "I love you" the way I'd say to her ( if I'd ever dare).
I'm scared.
I'm scared of going around the schoolyard, beeing myself, showing everybodu that "f**k it, I'm me, and everybpdy that says anything alse is a dirtbag.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of opening myself for anybody else than myself. Everyday since my first love started beeing against me and everything i worshipped, since whe scared me from opening myself, I've been scared of showing my true self, to open myself up, to say that I like someone, to say ... to say that i love somebody.
I'm motherf***ing scared.
The one and only thing I've loved for the last 2 years is Starcraft 2.
The game is amazing, Blizzard is amazing, the community is amazing. Almost everything about the game is amazing. I've been listenning to Starcast, SotG and This week in blizz for the last year, and they are amazing. But still,
I'm afraid.
Don't be fooled. I'm not some kind of guy that have isolated himself and practiced SC2 or played WoW for the last 2 years. I'm a regular guy (at least I believe I am), and i play soccer (or football) as a goalkeeper and I play SC2 as Terran. I am normal, and I'll bet my worthless arse that many people feel the same as I do.
I f**king love this game. It's the single most incredible experience I've ever been exposed to. I remember SC:BW from my younger age (7-12 years old), every campaign mission, every custom game I failed. When I found out that SC2 was announced, I flipped out; I remember every time I watched Husky, HDStarcraft and the battlereports. I was soo pumped. When I entered my electronics store and saw the SC2 copy, I cried. A friend of mine was with me, and he didn't understand; he didn't understand all the different emotions that was running through my system that day. The emotions that was attacking me was overwhelming. I had entered nirvana: I was truly happy.
The following months I was playing through the game 1v1; I was trying out every race, exploring the game; It had given my life a new meaning.
But still, I felt empty
I did ok at school, at soccer I did OK. But still, I felt empty. My whole life I've been the one to take care of others. I've been the good friend. I've been the one to say "yes" every single time. I've been the the one to sacrifice my own health and well beeing to make others feel good and worshipped. My entire life I've felt like a tank; the one to take shit, hard hits and emotionally hard punches to the face to make sure that the rest of the party survives.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of the future. I'm afraid that I'll never meet a girl that I'll ever love again. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to make up my mind. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to become what I want to become.
I'm afraid
But f**k it, I will reach masters, kick ass at school, exercice, become the person I want to be and pwn the world.
F**k it, I'm afraid, but I'm just human, and beeing afraid is the most normal thing in the world, right?
I'm scare s**tless.
Sorry for foul language and bad writing, but I just wanted to write.
Thank you for reading, you are great.
 
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I don't know what to say man, hang in there. I took a break from Starcraft and I'm fine right now, but in the past I've made the mistake of playing video games when I should have doing homework, studying, hanging out with friends, exploring the world. Sometimes it's important to put things in perspective and set your priorities straight. Just take a deep breath and hang in there. It will get better I promise.
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Is this a poem or satire or something ?
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I'm scared of beeing myself.
I thought this meant I'm scared of peeing myself.
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On September 02 2012 11:36 SarR wrote:
Is this a poem or satire or something ?
it felt like a replica of that "no one knows" blog that got so much attention for some reason
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I liked this. Not sure what it was exactly, but I liked it.
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You should never be afraid to be yourself. if you are around people that wont let you be yourself then you should find other people to be around. A big part of life is taking chances and sometimes you just have to do it and tell yourself you wont regret the results.
best of luck
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Don't be scared man. Lots of people in the world, probably more scared than you. And that girl? She's probably scared shitless as well. Scared that she won't meet prince charming, or that prince charming will see her and end up fucking the supermodel instead.
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It sounds like you need a good venue for some emotional development.
Engage with this analogy: you have a kickass heart made of ruby, within a clay cast. Now, you carry that around,and other people have theirs and carry their around too. The question is, how do you access the developed, grown, mature heart inside, when you still haven't worked it out (i.e. analogy for growing into a well-based, emotionally secure, developed, and mature adult)?
Well, some people, mostly guys, believe macho lies that they don't actually have a heart there, so they kick it around like a soccer ball and throw it at girls to get their attention. When that casing breaks open, the ruby's all powdered up and pulverized. Denying themselves the emotional vulnerability to properly deal with and engage with their emotional/identity issues means they're scarred. Being so convinced that girls are just there for you to chase and bang, but never getting to grips with what its like being in a caring sharing (emotional) relationship with one, means they're basically numb to understanding and expressing feelings. For me, those guys, are the 'typical' guys that as young men, society innately tells us we should seek to become. In that sense, being normal sure ain't worth it; it numbs your emotional sensitivity.
Then you have other people that are so protective of their heart, that they never use it or try and work at it. Instead, they paint the clay on the outside, and put it on a pedestal in their house, for them to worship and admire. Fail. The true beauty is on the inside, but they don't access that, because they're too emotionally attached to allow for a bit of risk and trust with other people. In the opposite sense, they never develop their emotional maturity, because either they're too shy, or self-centered, or non-adventurous. Basically they hamstring their emotional development because they aren't emotionally trusting enough to listen to other people (who say what they're doing is dumb, and that they should stop babying their heart, but let it live in the real world).
Then there's another group of people that are (I'd say) too trusting. They carry around their model hearts everywhere, and since they want to make friends, thus feel secure and accepted about themselves, they often pass it around to as many girls they can to feel loved/popular. Then the game gets out of hand, and people grab it and throw it around and eventually someone drops it and it cracks. This is an analogy of people (I would respectfully put you in this category) give their heart too easily, in the hopes that they'll feel accepted, loved, valued, and whole. It's really an identity issue, getting the reassurance that "I am OK" from other people. And what happens when they drop your heart?
Well, if you keep giving it away without a care to any person who'd take it, it won't be taken care of as much as it deserves, and it'll be dropped again and again. Each time, it's a bit emotional blow, chipping away at the clay outside ("baby, u break my heart"), so when you're grown and the clay is gone, those cracks all show on the ruby inside, and a few more hits and it could all break up. Heed my words: be careful that this doesn't happen to you.
But, there's a last type of person who does it right. They don't have all the answers, but they've got the focus and the priorities straight, and they know what they're aiming for in terms of their emotional development. They respect and value it more than a big rock, since they trust that, though it may look dirty and un-interesting now, there's a beautifully developed and rounded ruby heart inside, so they don't beat it up and ignore its upkeep. Nor do pander to their heart and pamper it, being too afraid to ever let anyone see it. They're careful who they show it to, they're cautious who they trust with it. Sometimes they can appear a bit weird and conservative out of concern that their heart'll be broken, but really, in the long run, that's quite reasonable and OK. There will be bumps, and bits of the casing will fall off, but long as they can find venues to carefully chip away at the clay (proper emotional development, which is what you need), the idea is , eventually they'll come out of high school with a really great thing. A lovely, ruby heart, that shines and is noted by all who see it, as something valuable and praiseworthy. Because of their care and diligence, they've got something that is really worth it.
Value your heart. Don't be hoodwinked into thinking you don't need emotional development, so thus try and find satisfaction any odd way and numb your emotions. But also, don't be so overly protective of your heart that you stay in a secluded, cut off, fantasy; without ever risked enough to truly develop it (chip away the casing). Be careful of who you entrust your heart to, as they can easily pass it around and toy with it like a game, and drop and crack it. Rather, seek venues and groups within which you can reliably work at developing your emotional basis and stronghold, so that you grow into an assured and strong adult. I wouldn't want any sort of father except for the last type, since the heart they keep from their youth is an example of what my heart should be (or so I think, as a child). Do it because it's worth it, its good, and its right.
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How old are you? I think that might be the answer to the general theme of the OP.
Yeah, and about being scared, as stated above by a few guys, why are you scared? You seem to kind of accept your fear of being yourself and just add "fear of self" on your personality list... without understanding why.
Also, it's pretty hard to rival the post above mine ^ so I'll just stop here. 
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EPT
