you do (not) make a girl blog - Page 7

On September 28 2013 02:16 temporarymagic wrote:
First off, it kinda sounds like you weren't really attracted to this girl. In your first post, you described her as a sorta-plain, sorta-unsexy girl. It sounds more like your attraction to her was out of: 1. desperation (just about anyone would do), 2. she's not that hot (not a lot of guys would be attracted to her so you actually have a chance), and 3. misinterpreting her kindness (us detached/lonely folk often mistake general kindness as more than such) (pretty sure I had a 4th but I can't remember it). Your heart stopping when you heard she had a boyfriend I think happened because she's the one that told you (as if she wasn't just informing you, but also telling you to keep your distance) and because you didn't think (or hope?) it would happen (unless that BF was you). I'm just speculating all this, but am I right in anything I said?

On September 28 2013 02:16 temporarymagic wrote:
Experience from socializing happens as you grow up (like in school), but for people who are outcasts and/or very shy when they're young (speaking from experience), you have to learn it later. The easiest way really is try, fail and try again, but that is also the hardest way when you're just bad at it (because you never learn). And by the way, conversation while socializing is either very bland or very useless. I really don't like socializing, so I typically just stay quiet and go with the flow (though it tends to leave me alone and bored at parties). I, however, typically draw blanks when talking to people I don't know; I don't know how it is for you. Did you say you just can't talk to people you don't know?

On September 28 2013 02:16 temporarymagic wrote:
I think that if you don't naturally try to predict your teammates behaviors, don't even try. Blindly trusting your teammates isn't that great, especially when it doesn't pay off. So often I trust my teammates (in video games) to do the most basic thing and it rarely pays off. And I really think trust over the internet and trust in person is very different. Can't say how though, but it feels that way.

On September 28 2013 09:12 Shauni wrote:
No, she is actually extremely pretty by society standards. It might have sounded a bit extreme in my description, but her facial features are perfectly aligned. She's a wonder to look at from a creation perspective. The only thing some men could find less attractive with the appearance would probably be the slightly boyish features of her body. But I don't like curves, big breasts and overly exaggerated features. Although you're actually right that I'm not very attracted to her physically, there are other girls I know that arouse me a lot more. I think it's more like since the pretty girls are always the most difficult obstacle to even attempt to socialize with, apart from my personality obstacle. I actually don't see myself as 'out of her league' or anything like that, I'm fairly confident in my physical traits (too). Since we actually know each other (even though it's a forced situation by having the same workplace) I feel like I have to make use of the situation somehow. So it's not 1 or 2, perhaps partly 3 since I got a taste of her kindness and warmth in the beginning and got a bit too desperate for it.

On September 28 2013 09:12 Shauni wrote:
No, it didn't happen like that with her boyfriend, I was actually the one who asked what she was going to after work one day and she told me in a by the way-manner that she'd just meet with her boy. She had months with plenty of opportunities to say it earlier, it wasn't just 'communicating a boundary' as kwarkgirl would say. Even though we would probably not fit well together, and even though I knew and still know she has never even wanted to befriend me, I guess I still had some kind of hope until those words. And also, by saying it in such a carefree way is the worst because it's essentially saying she doesn't even acknowledge me as a male. I think it was after that situation that our 'relationship' deteriorated so rapidly.

On September 28 2013 09:12 Shauni wrote:
Yeah, but the issue for me is that socializing with people I don't know is that even though it's not particularly frightening, it can even go quite smoothly sometimes, I just find it annoying to deal with the social barriers. I just want to scream that I don't want to talk about what I do for a living, what weather it is, or other daily things nobody cares about with every new person i meet. It's not even the subjects themselves, it's the tiptoeing and restricting your words. I admire people who can just go in and be both crazy and charismatic to bypass this from the first moment. To everyone who says go out and practice talking to people, it's not like I want to change my personality to extrovert. My work is unnaturally social and it's not like it has made me a more social being, actually it's the opposite. Constant greetings and smalltalk just makes me exhausted enough not to want to socialize anything in my spare time, even with friends.
If I could choose my preferred method I want to destroy the barriers without using words. I feel that physical (collective) activities can actually achieve this. What Kwark mentioned was actually a good example.

On September 28 2013 09:12 Shauni wrote:
Yeah of course it's different, and team contact is also different. If we're comparing, I can probably work in a team better online because you can shut out and ignore all their feelings to make optimal decisions for the team. I always win a lot more if I put ignore on everyone on my team, ironically. In real life sports, it's actually really difficult to do for me for this very reason, I care too much about what my ally might or might not do and even think so I can't just instinctively make the best action for the team. But yeah, this is a bit sidetracked and not very relevant to the girl blog.

On September 28 2013 09:12 Shauni wrote:
No, it didn't happen like that with her boyfriend, I was actually the one who asked what she was going to after work one day and she told me in a by the way-manner that she'd just meet with her boy. She had months with plenty of opportunities to say it earlier, it wasn't just 'communicating a boundary' as kwarkgirl would say. Even though we would probably not fit well together, and even though I knew and still know she has never even wanted to befriend me, I guess I still had some kind of hope until those words. And also, by saying it in such a carefree way is the worst because it's essentially saying she doesn't even acknowledge me as a male. I think it was after that situation that our 'relationship' deteriorated so rapidly.

Yeah, but the issue for me is that socializing with people I don't know is that even though it's not particularly frightening, it can even go quite smoothly sometimes, I just find it annoying to deal with the social barriers. I just want to scream that I don't want to talk about what I do for a living, what weather it is, or other daily things nobody cares about with every new person i meet. It's not even the subjects themselves, it's the tiptoeing and restricting your words. I admire people who can just go in and be both crazy and charismatic to bypass this from the first moment. To everyone who says go out and practice talking to people, it's not like I want to change my personality to extrovert. My work is unnaturally social and it's not like it has made me a more social being, actually it's the opposite. Constant greetings and smalltalk just makes me exhausted enough not to want to socialize anything in my spare time, even with friends.
If I could choose my preferred method I want to destroy the barriers without using words. I feel that physical (collective) activities can actually achieve this. What Kwark mentioned was actually a good example.

On October 02 2013 11:27 Myrddraal wrote:


To me (with limited information of course) it sounds like she wasn't actually not acknowledging you as a male but was intentionally trying to make you feel that way as a form of revenge for whatever she feels you have done wrong to her. It kind of sounds like you have made her feel that she is stupid or at least that you think she is dumb, while I understand you said it was intended to be light hearted, often jokes have a grain of truth and she probably felt even more hurt after being kind to you with the new years invitation.

My advice to you would be to apologise for being a jerk in the past (even if you don't feel that you were, all that matters is if she feels that you were) and tell her that you want things to be okay between you so that you can both be more comfortable at work (doesn't have to be your actual intention, but she should respect the maturity). The reason I say this is because despite that you said she never wanted to befriend you, to me it sounds like the opposite, it seems like she did want to befriend you (maybe more) but felt hurt by the way you treated her which made her feel that you thought her inferior.

So in my opinion, the best course of action would be to make amends while also increasing her respect for you, so that your relationship with her is healthy (since as long as you work together you will have to see her) and you will have a better chance should things fall through with her boyfriend. In the mean time, realise that there is no point obsessing over her (especially while she has a boyfriend) and seek other avenues to appease your physical desires.



As someone who used to have difficulty with socialising and still finds generic conversation mundane, I found a good way to make conversations more interesting to me, while still appearing somewhat interested is to treat the conversation as an information gathering exercise. By that I don't mean to just straight up ask what you want to know, but ask questions about whatever the person is talking about in such a way (tactfully) that you find out things that might otherwise be impolite to ask directly (this also allows you to bypass certain "social barriers"). For example asking someone if they are religious might not go well as they think you are implying something about them or making a judgement, yet you can find out pretty easily by asking questions that kind of force the person to reveal whether they are or not.

I don't necessarily think this is the best approach for everyone, but it seems like to participate more socially you need something to make socialising interesting to you. I know you said you don't like having to tiptoe and restrict your words, but realistically these social barriers are always going to exist in some form, its just a matter of being comfortable with yourself and how far you can push the barriers without making the other person uncomfortable because really this is (imo) what gives certain people that aura of charisma.

On October 03 2013 08:31 Salv wrote:
Assuming all of this isn't phony, you should seek some professional help, Shauni. You said things don't work out with female therapists - so you should find a male therapist. Some of the things you have said such as wanting to scream out that you don't want to talk about the weather, or that you don't want to talk about your job - that's really abnormal and I don't think that just hanging out with people now will correct your social problems, you probably need a strategy that only a professional can provide.

Just to sum it up, the feelings and actions you've detailed here are far from normal and a little disturbing, so you need to figure that stuff out.

On October 04 2013 05:54 Shauni wrote:


I don't understand what you mean when you say normal and abnormal. Aren't all human beings unique? Doesn't everyone have problems? If you go talk to a therapist and describe your problem by saying you aren't normal they'll just laugh at you and turn you away. Life isn't about trying to fit in as much as possible. The words normal and abnormal means nothing to me.

On October 04 2013 06:33 Myrtroll wrote:
You need to change your attitude. You are not very clever, even if the people around you seem stupid to you. The only one you should care about comparing with is yourself. Try to improve from yesterdays version of you. Try some humility, and get off your high horse, and people will treat you better. Nobody likes smartasses, unless they are ridiculously charming and handsome. You seem to be able to master other things easily, use that to master this as well. Admitting that something is wrong, and stop trying to find excuses for everything is the first step. You try to admit that something is wrong while explaining why it's not wrong after all. That gets you nowhere.

Therapy might not be the best bet for you, but you probably need something, and your lizard brain is pretty much urging you to do so as well, though you obviously interpret it for all the wrong reasons. Maybe you should volunteer on a home for the elderly or something, they crave attention as much as you seem to do.

On October 04 2013 05:54 Shauni wrote:


I don't understand what you mean when you say normal and abnormal. Aren't all human beings unique? Doesn't everyone have problems? If you go talk to a therapist and describe your problem by saying you aren't normal they'll just laugh at you and turn you away. Life isn't about trying to fit in as much as possible. The words normal and abnormal means nothing to me.