I recently noticed something slightly off during my badminton exercises. Whenever I shake hands with a female after a match I'm so reluctant to let go. Usually you just want to clap or high 5 but I want to keep holding that hand so badly. The soft sensation of someone else's body warmth and fluids emitting to your own. It's probably such a minor thing, if I mentioned it to the girls, they would most likely react with a disgusted 'eww, that's so creepy' face. They most likely cannot comprehend the other polar extreme of permanently lacking the physical intimacy, not just with the opposite sex but with any living thing. I'm not really close with my family, I don't have a pet, I don't meet friends often and I'm terrible at using my physical nature to socialize. I don't really initiate hugs, handshakes, gestures or really anything using my body. It doesn't come naturally to me. I'm like a vegetable. I guess that's why I'm so fond of playing and exercising because only on court I can allow myself to use my body freely. No social restrictions or fears. Just you and your reptile brain. I love that feeling of freedom. It's the only reason for me to continue breathing.
So there is this female at work. Actually there's more than one, but this particular girl keeps getting into my brain, on my nerves and even affect emotional state. Her body is tiny and boyish with small breasts and ass, somewhat Arabic skin texture, disproportionately full lips, tired brown eyes and big forehead. Natural locks in hair but for some reason persistently tries to straighten it. A face I definitely enjoy resting my eyes on. But a personality like a fish. A now defiant fish. At first we got along well. I didn't talk to her that much, but I remember she was friendly and used to somewhat ask things and talk about herself. She even invited me to do things together like spend new years together with her group of friends when I told her I was planning on staying home. I even received a hug once. Wow, right.
Well, things changed for the worse. I don't remember exactly if it was in relation to her getting a boyfriend (my heart stopped for a second when she told me this) or if it started earlier. I used to joke a bit with her, mostly innocent (beta) things and sometimes when she asked me (stupid) questions I wouldn't answer but just stare at her sheepishly. Apparently this annoyed her greatly and transformed her into a gigantic bitch (yet a kind bitch to everyone else). It was a bit tense at first, she'd try to change her hours so she wouldn't work with me. I'd comment on silly stuff like her fingernails being uneven or smell her jacket and she'd freak out at me. I did these stupid things mostly out of frustration of her emotionally dead state toward me. She stopped looking at me when we talked, saying we were "coworkers" and "not friends". So I also stopped talking to her completely for a week. For some variation. Didn't change much for the better.
At present, the only (non work related) things she will say are things like "don't touch me" and "don't look at me". And at night, when we close the store, her boyfriend is waiting, coming up to kiss her and play with her hair as they slowly walk away... fully ignoring my existence. I can almost sympathize with what acts jealously drives men to commit. Unagi is an amazing film I recently saw on this subject. Won't delve into film and art in a girl blog, but the synopsis is a man reflecting on his life and starting 'anew' after murdering his wife and her lover.
I don't know what to do with all this frustration. I tried to bicycle home from work for hours with all my might. I tried to make a Skyrim model of her being...defiled. But those things are only briefly, shallowly easing my pain. The only funny thing in this story is that nothing in this even resembles love. I just want to try to be attached to someone. To know what it feels like.