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CecilSunkure
United States2829 Posts
On September 23 2013 08:32 Xyik wrote: You're all being a little mean here. Maybe he just needs a friend to talk things through with, over some drinks. Maybe he'd have friends to talk to if he wasn't such an asshole to everyone. | ||
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Ender985
Spain910 Posts
You posts display a complete lack of empathy and an attempt to justify one's behavior as a natural consequence of some misunderstood biological laws. It is not your fault you were born like this, but it is your fault if you identify this problem and do not try to fix it. Seek help, and if one doctor does not help you, find another, and then another, until you find the one that works for you. | ||
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AnachronisticAnarchy
United States2957 Posts
On September 23 2013 08:57 Ender985 wrote: +1 to therapy. You posts display a complete lack of empathy and an attempt to justify one's behavior as a natural consequence of some misunderstood biological laws. It is not your fault you were born like this, but it is your fault if you identify this problem and do not try to fix it. Seek help, and if one doctor does not help you, find another, and then another, until you find the one that works for you. A thousand thumbs! Lack of empathy isn't the serial-killer trademark most people make it out to be. In actuality, it is the inability to understand people that are not you, and it usually leads to some pretty fucked up psychology due to repeated failures to satisfy basic human urges; like companionship and girlfriends. A person with a lack of empathy may even be able to understand human beings at an extraordinary level at the theoretical level, but fail repeatedly to successfully apply their knowledge in day-to-day social interaction. | ||
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unkkz
Norway2196 Posts
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demonym
Canada66 Posts
I don't like that you call her a bitch, and describe her behaviour as being like a bitch. It's worth considering that she's just very fed up with you for reasons that make a heck of a lot of sense. Maybe you could instead look at what you're doing that is upsetting her and consider why it is upsetting her, not as some stupid bitch but instead as a reasonable human being. From there you could look at how to actually change your behaviour to get on better terms with her and fix this situation you find so undesirable. Unfortunately it is likely that it will no longer be possible for you to ever get the type of physical relationship you wanted with her in the first place. This does however bring up a question I end up having many times while reading your post: Why do you so desperately want a to be attached to someone? And why are you focusing so much on her in particular? At the end you talk about just desperately wanting that type of relationship but then if that's all you want then why not just pursue another girl, infact you'd probably be better off doing so because you've really sabotaged your chances with her with how you've behaved towards her. | ||
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MarlieChurphy
United States2063 Posts
On September 23 2013 06:08 Shauni wrote: Guys like you are incredibly disturbing, trying to ruin someones life in order to feel better for yourself. Go somewhere else with your condescending attitude. Nobody is afraid of me and I'm not a danger to anyone but myself. You idiots keep bandwagoning and exaggerating things because your own lives lack excitement. I've had sessions before with different therapists, not exclusively about this but more in general about my social life. I found that they didn't benefit me much though for various reasons. Plus it's kind of difficult to talk about women issues when the therapist herself is a young attractive woman. In general, they often bother me too much with 'concrete goals' and 'reason for seeking therapy'. I don't know what to reply to such things. I can't really say I resent women because it's not fully true. If you can't be honest with your therapist you're wasting your time and money there. I would say you should find a male therapist who can relate with your issues and after you can come to terms with them, find a female therapist who maybe isn't so attractive and continue in your treatment with a female mind who has that alternative viewpoint. Therapy is like the gym for your mind, you gotta go for a long time before you see any results, and if you stop you can see those results dwindle away again. | ||
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Shauni
4077 Posts
On September 23 2013 13:42 demonym wrote: Hello Shauni, I'm not entirely sure what you want to get from posting this, and I don't really see any specific request on your part for the type of response you want but I will try my best here to give you some input that's useful for you to work with. I don't like that you call her a bitch, and describe her behaviour as being like a bitch. It's worth considering that she's just very fed up with you for reasons that make a heck of a lot of sense. Maybe you could instead look at what you're doing that is upsetting her and consider why it is upsetting her, not as some stupid bitch but instead as a reasonable human being. From there you could look at how to actually change your behaviour to get on better terms with her and fix this situation you find so undesirable. Unfortunately it is likely that it will no longer be possible for you to ever get the type of physical relationship you wanted with her in the first place. This does however bring up a question I end up having many times while reading your post: Why do you so desperately want a to be attached to someone? And why are you focusing so much on her in particular? At the end you talk about just desperately wanting that type of relationship but then if that's all you want then why not just pursue another girl, infact you'd probably be better off doing so because you've really sabotaged your chances with her with how you've behaved towards her. I don't call her a bitch in person, and while I didn't describe it in the post... To put some contrast, she's very kind for the most part. Maybe a bit prude and spoiled, but kind at heart. Yet I actually find that cold repellent attitude somewhat attractive. There's nothing more dull than a constantly nice girl. So since I sabotaged my incredibly slim (if any) chances with her, is there any reason not to make her keep that attitude? There's nothing to fix to begin with. Don't all human beings want to be attached to someone else? I don't understand your question exactly. Desperately? It's not as if my life is centered around making contact with females, it's a girl blog so obviously the focus will be on them. I'm sure I can endure the rest of my span without any sort of intimacy. I don't just pursue and date girls randomly, I won't even talk to a female unless she knows me well and is comfortable around me. And how does that happen you say? With time. You don't have to be a pickup master or a charismatic god as long as you have time. Human beings are just like any animal in this regard, you visit a pack of deer every day for a year, slowly coming closer every day and surely they'll let you pet them by the end of the year. | ||
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demonym
Canada66 Posts
"I recently noticed something slightly off during my badminton exercises. Whenever I shake hands with a female after a match I'm so reluctant to let go. Usually you just want to clap or high 5 but I want to keep holding that hand so badly. The soft sensation of someone else's body warmth and fluids emitting to your own. It's probably such a minor thing, if I mentioned it to the girls, they would most likely react with a disgusted 'eww, that's so creepy' face." This is not a minor thing nor I think all that normal either, and it comes off as very desperate behaviour (creepy). "Well, things changed for the worse. I don't remember exactly if it was in relation to her getting a boyfriend (my heart stopped for a second when she told me this) or if it started earlier." Why would your heart stop if it was not a big deal to you, you clearly want her for whatever reason. "I don't know what to do with all this frustration. I tried to bicycle home from work for hours with all my might. I tried to make a Skyrim model of her being...defiled. But those things are only briefly, shallowly easing my pain." Actually the idea that you're pissing her off intentionally just to get all that you think you can from her is convincing enough about how desperate you are. How can you make this problem out not to be a big deal and like your life isn't centered around it when it's affecting you so strongly, You're clearly spending a lot of time just trying to deal with this. Odds are your life really is centered around it, or at least has been. You mentioned "There's nothing to fix to begin with." That's only half true, at the moment there's nothing for you to get out of changing your situation with her given what you've said. The thing to fix however is that you are so obsessed that you need to keep playing this game with her. | ||
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zagdul
United States1 Post
On September 21 2013 16:50 Chairman Ray wrote: Hi Kwark's girlfriend. What happens when you two get into an argument? How does arguments even work with Kwark? I'm not his GF, but I am someone who argues with him regularly. It is impossible. Even if he's 'wrong' he will argue that you should have never listened to him in the first place and you are a retard for doing so. When in a game with him, if you don't listen to him, you'll get similar treatment. It's a lose/lose situation and one rather fun to engage in  | ||
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BrTarolg
United Kingdom3574 Posts
It's unfortunate because people treat you like an asshole and are pretty mean to you and it provides a very negative feedback loop But the main issue is that in the real world that's just what people do when you don't fit in and when they don't understand you. Most people eventually learn to game the system to an amount they have to and fight against it. Some sick people actually believe in the system and act all high and mighty about it Still, if you have a goal, part of achieving that goal is going to need you to game the system a bit too, and that's just how it is. It's gonna involve doing things that you don't want to do to achieve the results you want to get (even if the result is a little bit more self confidence and happiness) It's not easy, pretty daunting and will result in a lot of failure, but nothing in life that's worth it is easy and every path to success is littered with failure. This is i guess, the REAL advice that will help (compared to most of the bullshit you're reading from people who think they are somehow morally superior to you or something) I still love you shauni <3 | ||
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ComaDose
Canada10357 Posts
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Mstring
Australia510 Posts
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ketomai
United States2789 Posts
+ Show Spoiler + Is this why you always did those mean cheeses to me??? T.T | ||
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Shauni
4077 Posts
On September 24 2013 01:01 demonym wrote: So you like her to be rude towards you and so you piss her off intentionally to prompt that. So what's the problem then? I seriously doubt all you want from her is just to have her "behave like a bitch" towards you, it seems like you don't think you'll get any better and so you are just grabbing what you can from her. I don't buy that you aren't desperate though, your post comes off as Very desperate. "I recently noticed something slightly off during my badminton exercises. Whenever I shake hands with a female after a match I'm so reluctant to let go. Usually you just want to clap or high 5 but I want to keep holding that hand so badly. The soft sensation of someone else's body warmth and fluids emitting to your own. It's probably such a minor thing, if I mentioned it to the girls, they would most likely react with a disgusted 'eww, that's so creepy' face." This is not a minor thing nor I think all that normal either, and it comes off as very desperate behaviour (creepy). "Well, things changed for the worse. I don't remember exactly if it was in relation to her getting a boyfriend (my heart stopped for a second when she told me this) or if it started earlier." Why would your heart stop if it was not a big deal to you, you clearly want her for whatever reason. "I don't know what to do with all this frustration. I tried to bicycle home from work for hours with all my might. I tried to make a Skyrim model of her being...defiled. But those things are only briefly, shallowly easing my pain." Actually the idea that you're pissing her off intentionally just to get all that you think you can from her is convincing enough about how desperate you are. How can you make this problem out not to be a big deal and like your life isn't centered around it when it's affecting you so strongly, You're clearly spending a lot of time just trying to deal with this. Odds are your life really is centered around it, or at least has been. You mentioned "There's nothing to fix to begin with." That's only half true, at the moment there's nothing for you to get out of changing your situation with her given what you've said. The thing to fix however is that you are so obsessed that you need to keep playing this game with her. Yeah, you're right that I might not just come off as a bit desperate. I can restrain myself from acting out my desperation, but in reality I am pretty desperate. I admit it. But it's not as if I'm some inherently evil monster, that I somehow was born as a pathetic and desperate man-child. The reason I'm grasping for every little straw of affection and attention is because that's the only way I know to survive. I don't normally receive any affection and while some human beings can connect through dialogue, I only know how to disconnect. Conversations never do anything for me but serve to alienate and sever me further from a sense of belonging. And since I'm not very good with initiating physical contact either, it leaves me with nothing but these minor, desperate actions to initiate some kind of connection. And while it sounds logical like some of you say, to go out and socialize, to accumulate experience through failure... That only works if the conversation brings some sort of pleasure or sense of fulfillment. It's like saying you have to learn B in order to go from A to C. But I don't believe conversation through manipulation. I'll never learn B unless I actually find it meaningful in itself without any end goal. It's like lifting weights with the sole purpose of getting laid. Or dressing up in order to receive the attention of men. Not doing it because you enjoy lifting and it's benefits, or you like what you wear, but doing it for a wholly different. I think it's terrible and I won't do it. On September 25 2013 05:39 ketomai wrote: Maybe try playing some team sports, Shauni. Since that's something you like to do, that'd probably give you an environment to socialize in. Still, you have to initiate and get out of your comfort zone if you want to change this part of you that you don't like. However, having that easy environment to do it always helps. + Show Spoiler + Is this why you always did those mean cheeses to me??? T.T Well, badminton is sort of a team sport. You can speculate as to why, but I'm actually terrible at teamplay, from 2v2 in BW to doubles in badminton or a whole team like in football. It's not that I'm egoistical, it's more that I have problems predicting my allies behavior which often distracts me from focusing on what the opponents are doing, a 2v2 is more like an 1v3 to me since I can't be comfortable with how my ally moves. You could say it's like an issue of trust. But yeah, the setting is incredibly important. I hate to admit this because I don't like predictability, but I always feel uneasy and nervous in new settings and situations. It takes forever for me to grow accustomed to the setting and even attempting to 'fit in'. | ||
Milkis
5003 Posts
Conversations never do anything for me but serve to alienate and sever me further from a sense of belonging. And since I'm not very good with initiating physical contact either, it leaves me with nothing but these minor, desperate actions to initiate some kind of connection. From what I know you have pretty interesting hobbies, and you have a lot of things to say about films and media in general. Why not try and go to indie movie theaters or something and talk about movies there, join discussions, start discussions? Worth a shot. | ||
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Awesomedrifter
Canada62 Posts
You should work out because it feels awesome doing something good for your body and hence yourself. The increased confidence and appearance may result in getting you laid, but getting laid is a poor reason to work out. Maybe you should try dressing up to receive the attention of men though, you said you don't find girls interesting personality wise so you never know... Nice to see you'll at least vent on a forum though, but you gotta man up and take responsibility for your own happiness. | ||
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demonym
Canada66 Posts
I'm going to try to make this as clear as I can: I'm not here to tell you that you're a horrible bad person. My intent is the same as it was when I posted my first post. I'm merely trying to offer input that's useful for you to work with. This often entails pointing to things that I see as dishonest. You claim to be restraining yourself from acting out your desperations but if what you say is true, that you're left with nothing more than minor desperate interactions to inititate some sort of connection. Then it follows that suppressing your desperation is going to mean not trying to connect to others period. That doesn't sound like a managable task to me. It strikes me that the problem isn't a matter of figuring out how to suppress yourself but instead to not need to. Which means you're going to need to find another way to connect to people. The idea that "Conversations never do anything for me but serve to alienate and sever me further from a sense of belonging." is not as odd as it may sound. I don't know much about the ways you've tried to connect to people through conversation. I do know this much though, if you're as different as I think you are then trying to talk to others like how they do as a means of connecting to them will never work. They're able to connect to each other so easily because they have an easier time relating to each other. They have an easier time relating to each other because they're already more alike to each other. This may already be obvious to you but you do appear quite different compared to other people, essentially you're odd or weird or however you wanna put it. What this means however is that you can't just immitate their ways, you have to figure out your own ways from the ground up. The more different you are the more you have to do to find a way to relate (connect) to others. | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32081 Posts
On September 22 2013 10:35 Shauni wrote: A male inherently feel the need to assess dominance over the woman, it's part of who we are. Follwing the Cloud method of pua I see!! | ||
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Schelim
Austria11528 Posts
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temporarymagic
United States2 Posts
First off, it kinda sounds like you weren't really attracted to this girl. In your first post, you described her as a sorta-plain, sorta-unsexy girl. It sounds more like your attraction to her was out of: 1. desperation (just about anyone would do), 2. she's not that hot (not a lot of guys would be attracted to her so you actually have a chance), and 3. misinterpreting her kindness (us detached/lonely folk often mistake general kindness as more than such) (pretty sure I had a 4th but I can't remember it). Your heart stopping when you heard she had a boyfriend I think happened because she's the one that told you (as if she wasn't just informing you, but also telling you to keep your distance) and because you didn't think (or hope?) it would happen (unless that BF was you). I'm just speculating all this, but am I right in anything I said? Also, you do have some problems that probably need resolving. For example, you not responding to her inquiry about the work keys sounds like the combined result of limited experience communicating with others and unsureness how to respond. On September 26 2013 03:53 Shauni wrote: And while it sounds logical like some of you say, to go out and socialize, to accumulate experience through failure... That only works if the conversation brings some sort of pleasure or sense of fulfillment. It's like saying you have to learn B in order to go from A to C. But I don't believe conversation through manipulation. I'll never learn B unless I actually find it meaningful in itself without any end goal. It's like lifting weights with the sole purpose of getting laid. Or dressing up in order to receive the attention of men. Not doing it because you enjoy lifting and it's benefits, or you like what you wear, but doing it for a wholly different. I think it's terrible and I won't do it. Experience from socializing happens as you grow up (like in school), but for people who are outcasts and/or very shy when they're young (speaking from experience), you have to learn it later. The easiest way really is try, fail and try again, but that is also the hardest way when you're just bad at it (because you never learn). And by the way, conversation while socializing is either very bland or very useless. I really don't like socializing, so I typically just stay quiet and go with the flow (though it tends to leave me alone and bored at parties). I, however, typically draw blanks when talking to people I don't know; I don't know how it is for you. Did you say you just can't talk to people you don't know? And also, if anyone says they work out just to "get laid," they actually get more out of it than just that. They typically feel better after a work out (relieve stress) and typically get/stay attractive (in their eyes). Dressing up or appearance is natural in all animals, not just humans. Animals such as lions have the gift of looking alike; humans, on the other hand, always look so different from one another, that either we must try to be as attractive as we think we can be or just not try. On September 26 2013 03:53 Shauni wrote: Well, badminton is sort of a team sport. You can speculate as to why, but I'm actually terrible at teamplay, from 2v2 in BW to doubles in badminton or a whole team like in football. It's not that I'm egoistical, it's more that I have problems predicting my allies behavior which often distracts me from focusing on what the opponents are doing, a 2v2 is more like an 1v3 to me since I can't be comfortable with how my ally moves. You could say it's like an issue of trust. But yeah, the setting is incredibly important. I hate to admit this because I don't like predictability, but I always feel uneasy and nervous in new settings and situations. It takes forever for me to grow accustomed to the setting and even attempting to 'fit in'. I think that if you don't naturally try to predict your teammates behaviors, don't even try. Blindly trusting your teammates isn't that great, especially when it doesn't pay off. So often I trust my teammates (in video games) to do the most basic thing and it rarely pays off. And I really think trust over the internet and trust in person is very different. Can't say how though, but it feels that way. Truthfully, I think you have issues that can be resolved or at least improved upon if you work with a professional therapist. You don't seem to have anyone in your life to help you out, and humans are a social animal. PS - Forgot to mention this earlier, but your thoughts on how men like to dominate relationships is more your mentality than men in general. Men like to be the provider very often, but men like to be equals with their partner just as much as they like to dominate in a relationship. Got a call and lost my train of thought, but let me know what you think Shauni. Sorry for assuming too much. | ||
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