“Ok guys, this is completely unacceptable!” Teacher yelled at us in frustration. “These typed essays you turned in are identical, word for word!”
“Great minds think alike” I yelled out.
To my dismay he pointed out that the name typed in the header had been scratched out on each essay and written above...all of them in red colored pencil. I tried to convince him that everybody accidentally typed the wrong name in the header, but then he showed me the names that we forgot to scratch out in the footer. The signed closing at the end of the essay didn’t help the cause.
By this point he was screaming at the class. He grabbed a desk and flipped it over. The box of crayons stored in the desk basket underneath opened up and spilled out on the floor, further enraging him. He called security whom, upon entering, slipped on some stray crayons.
As I was leaving the class, along with everyone else who cheated, I overheard someone whisper “they’re in a better place now.”
They couldn’t have been more wrong.
We entered the torture detention room. A corner of the room was barricaded with desks, a likely work of the school badass, Harry Dick, who practically lived in detention. Unfortunately he wasn’t there today because he was currently in jail. There was no one but us to receive punishment today.
The security man, our only form of safety, left us in there, all alone and hoping death would take us before Drill Sergeant Montgomery would. Our prayers went unanswered unfortunately. Montgomery slammed the door open and came in. He stared at today’s wall of shame, onto which each of our essays was posted.
“You idiots think we condone cheating? NOT IN MY SCHOOL!” he roared. I nearly pissed my pants when he brought out Old Faithful, the school beating stick. Rumor was you could still hear the cries of the poor kid whom he sent to the hospital emanating from it. He grabbed my friend by the collar and dragged him to the front.
“Bend over” he yelled. I was afraid to watch. I turned my head but this only amplified the cries of poor Jeff as he was brutally violated by that death cudgel. He was never the same after that day.
This anguish spread to the rest of my friends as they were called up, one by one, to endure the same “treatment” as Jeff. I heard someone fall on the floor at one point, presumably passed out from pain. Though he may have been out cold, that didn’t stop Drill Sergeant Montgomery from continuing his assault. The silence in the room at this point was only interrupted by the thwacks of that abhorrent paddle against raw flesh, a noticeable difference from the combined thwacks and constant screaming of before.
With all my friends incapacitated I was the last one left. The sole survivor of a group of cheaters that thought we could get one past the teacher. Drill Sergeant called me over to the front of the class and forced me to look back at the decrepit looking beings that were my friends. They looked hideously defiled after taking such a beating. He handed me a paper. No one was in any shape to lift up their head to see this however.
“Who planned this?” I whispered as I read the paper. Montgomery assured me that if I gave up the information I would be spared.
This kind of psychological warfare had great impact on me. After witnessing such destruction I thought long and hard about my next decision.
“It was Jeff” I whispered back to him.
Drill Sergeant ordered everyone but Jeff out of the classroom. I had never seen people whom I thought had no life remaining run so quickly out the door. I departed as well, helping to carry out my one friend who had been rendered unconscious a bit earlier. Montgomery shut the door behind us and turned the lock. Nobody was getting in there...or out.
I stood next to the door for a moment. Everyone else had left in such a hurry, unwilling to risk more punishment. I don’t know why I stood there though. I couldn’t see anything because the door window had been taped over. I still stood there nevertheless. I stood there for maybe five minutes.
“OH DEAR GOD NOOOO!!!” I heard Jeff howl through the door. The sound of more smacking and blood-curdling screams followed. This continued for a good 10 minutes. Then...silence.
“Poor Jeff” I muttered under my breath as I left the scene. “He’s a good man for taking the blame for me.”
Well, if you suspend your complete disbelief at how unrealistic it all is, the twist at the end is... who am I kidding I want Montgomery to beat you with Old Faithful.
You can kind of expect it anyways when I say Jeff is the culprit.
I didn't think it was obvious, to be honest.
Sorry, I assumed when you posted in my last story you had probably read it, but that's only one of them so my bad. False assumption.
It's just supposed to be a funny joke because he's "taking the blame" when I had implicated him being the mastermind despite him not having a choice in the matter.
Well you might not have expected me to be the mastermind, but you should have expected me to not be telling the truth in order to get out of the beating.
On June 06 2013 10:06 Bibbit wrote: If this is a comedy like usual, I think you're way light on the jokes. The other totally existent possibility is that I didn't understand them.
The concept of a whole class turning in the exact same paper is pretty cute but actual jokes were kinda in short supply, I thought.
It was a different way of writing for me this time. I focused more on story than actual jokes in order to make a comedy-light short story that flowed well.
On June 06 2013 10:06 Bibbit wrote: If this is a comedy like usual, I think you're way light on the jokes. The other totally existent possibility is that I didn't understand them.
The concept of a whole class turning in the exact same paper is pretty cute but actual jokes were kinda in short supply, I thought.
It was a different way of writing for me this time. I focused more on story than actual jokes in order to make a comedy-light short story that flowed well.
No argument here! I certainly dont think it's a bad story - just not as funny as usual.
3/5 stars because I'm not sure if I like this or hate it... since if that's comedy then it is cruel how you think. Things like these actually happen to kids every day.
On June 06 2013 11:30 3FFA wrote: 3/5 stars because I'm not sure if I like this or hate it... since if that's comedy then it is cruel how you think. Things like these actually happen to kids every day.
oh cmon man. if we can't laugh at the serious things, then what can we laugh at?
On June 06 2013 11:30 3FFA wrote: 3/5 stars because I'm not sure if I like this or hate it... since if that's comedy then it is cruel how you think. Things like these actually happen to kids every day.
Oh come on... Something like this would never be tolerated at any school. The extant to which the beating in this story was fleshed out (to the point of one person fainting and the beating continuing) is completely ridiculous and unbelievable. I hope I can speak for Micronesia from his post "Well, if you suspend your complete disbelief at how unrealistic it all is" leading me to believe that beatings like this DON'T actually happen to kids every day. I'm not saying people don't receive corporal punishment, but not to this extreme.
On June 06 2013 11:30 3FFA wrote: 3/5 stars because I'm not sure if I like this or hate it... since if that's comedy then it is cruel how you think. Things like these actually happen to kids every day.
Oh come on... Something like this would never be tolerated at any school. The extant to which the beating in this story was fleshed out (to the point of one person fainting and the beating continuing) is completely ridiculous and unbelievable. I hope I can speak for Micronesia from his post "Well, if you suspend your complete disbelief at how unrealistic it all is" leading me to believe that beatings like this DON'T actually happen to kids every day. I'm not saying people don't receive corporal punishment, but not to this extreme.
Lighten up.
My brother in law came home last week with red knuckles, back and ass and was made to kneel out in the hot sun for over an hour because he forgot his homework. (His mother informed that he had completed it but forgotten while he was kneeling outside and he was still left there for a further 30 minutes) He fainted in the sun.
Yeah, your extreme isnt as bad as you assume it to be, but i forgive you, i led a sheltered life in england myself.
I did enjoy the story though :3
#incoming racist/offensive cultural remarks about sri lanka.
hmm I'm not sure what to think of your story tbh. It felt really unrealistic that so many would hand the same essay and I dunno if I'm a big fan of a beating story. Even though I doubt there is much corporal punishment in schools, capped makes a good example of what can still happen which in itself can be a bad experience. I think you write well and look forward to your next story
I remember my grandfather telling me that when he was in the 8th grade, his teacher pointed to a bundle of yard sticks in the corner and announced to the class "by the end of the year, those will all be broken." True to his word, they were.
On June 06 2013 13:56 Manifesto7 wrote: I remember my grandfather telling me that when he was in the 8th grade, his teacher pointed to a bundle of yard sticks in the corner and announced to the class "by the end of the year, those will all be broken." True to his word, they were.
but it could also be that he planned on breaking them all before the year was over to keep his word true
On June 06 2013 13:56 Manifesto7 wrote: I remember my grandfather telling me that when he was in the 8th grade, his teacher pointed to a bundle of yard sticks in the corner and announced to the class "by the end of the year, those will all be broken." True to his word, they were.
but it could also be that he planned on breaking them all before the year was over to keep his word true
I like the crayons at the beginning, you do an excellent job offsetting the impending violence with the irrationality of the situation. I would not say this story is disrespectful to the seriousness of corporal punishment, but then I've led a sheltered life so perhaps I should not say at all. I enjoy your writing because it's often about high stakes nonsense. Seems more pertinent to real life than is usually recognized.
On June 06 2013 13:56 Manifesto7 wrote: I remember my grandfather telling me that when he was in the 8th grade, his teacher pointed to a bundle of yard sticks in the corner and announced to the class "by the end of the year, those will all be broken." True to his word, they were.
On June 06 2013 15:22 32 wrote: I like the crayons at the beginning, you do an excellent job offsetting the impending violence with the irrationality of the situation. I would not say this story is disrespectful to the seriousness of corporal punishment, but then I've led a sheltered life so perhaps I should not say at all. I enjoy your writing because it's often about high stakes nonsense. Seems more pertinent to real life than is usually recognized.
I brought up a situation close to his because he was saying its outrageous something like this might happen, which its not.
I dont think its disrespectful at all and i enjoyed the story and his writing style is amazing ^_^ I find it even more amazing that the story resembles what my 13 year old brother in law told me last week lol. (Regarding his beating at least)
On June 06 2013 13:56 Manifesto7 wrote: I remember my grandfather telling me that when he was in the 8th grade, his teacher pointed to a bundle of yard sticks in the corner and announced to the class "by the end of the year, those will all be broken." True to his word, they were.
On June 06 2013 13:56 Manifesto7 wrote: I remember my grandfather telling me that when he was in the 8th grade, his teacher pointed to a bundle of yard sticks in the corner and announced to the class "by the end of the year, those will all be broken." True to his word, they were.
Now there´s a great story.
The best part of that story is that my grandfather dropped out in grade 8. Boys who were to be hit with the yard stick had to place their hands on the front two desks and stick their but out the front of the aisle. Every time the teacher would swing though, my grandfather would lean forward, and the yard stick would hit the desk instead of his rump, snapping in half (which tells you the teacher was swinging for the fences).
My grandfather later became a minister in the United Church for 25 years.
so the teacher's name is Teacher? Oughtn't you just say "the teacher?" Also, I don't think you have quite as good a grasp of who and whom as you think. Whom is more of an object in the sentence, who the subject. So the security guard who, upon entering... He did it, he entered, it wasn't done to him. It was the security guard, whom many feared, that entered clumsily at the vociferous cries of our enraged professor. Many feared him, he was not the one being afraid. Also, "I yelled." "Out" serves no purpose. What are you going to do, yell in? Also, it is always better to word your sentences so that they do not end in a preposition. "That was all I could think of." "It was the only thing of which I could think." "I sat down." "I sat." Etc, etc.
I love all of your stories. I can't believe I missed four epishade blog posts in a row! I don't know about how many stars I would give it, probably 3.5/5. But I'll round up to four
On June 06 2013 22:23 HotShizz wrote: so the teacher's name is Teacher? Oughtn't you just say "the teacher?" Also, I don't think you have quite as good a grasp of who and whom as you think. Whom is more of an object in the sentence, who the subject. So the security guard who, upon entering... He did it, he entered, it wasn't done to him. It was the security guard, whom many feared, that entered clumsily at the vociferous cries of our enraged professor. Many feared him, he was not the one being afraid. Also, "I yelled." "Out" serves no purpose. What are you going to do, yell in? Also, it is always better to word your sentences so that they do not end in a preposition. "That was all I could think of." "It was the only thing of which I could think." "I sat down." "I sat." Etc, etc.
gl hf
I used Teacher just to make it sound like I was talking in a more informal tone. As I was writing, autocorrect wanted to change whom to who but I wouldn't let it. Guess I should have lol.
The not ending your sentences in prepositions though is an old rule that I don't think should apply to every piece of writing. It's like starting a sentence with "and". I wouldn't say it is always better to word sentences that way, especially if you are writing a story instead of a report or something. Changing my sentences to what you suggested would have messed up the "flow" in my opinion from something easy and informal to strict and formal.
If you are going to make it not-credible why not take advantage of it? Like make it actually funny and just completely ridiculous. Because being neither credible nor ridiculous, just puts you in the middle of nowhere.
Either go with it, or don't, but don't middle of the road it... with an implausible story that isnt ridiculous enough to be funny.
Even if you are going the "unreliable narrator" path, everything is just amplified/skewed by his warped perception, this can be made clear and can be hilarious, but this didn't make it clear that this was the case, and it didnt serve to create some hilarious ideas/observations on his part.
Also there are a lot of unclear facts/things that don't mesh with eachother.
Like when the teacher Flipped over the desk...that had crayons in it? A. This would never happen. B. Crayons...maybe if they are teaching 1st graders.
Their plan was something concocted by 1st graders, but the main characters speech/thought process resembles someone much older. There should be consistency between the two. If your plan is to all use the same paper, and use colored pencil to cross off the name and write your own, in what world did this seem plausible? Maybe 1st grade logic here.
But then you go on to use words like "ass" "pissed" or "cudgel".
Which would mean the narrator is someone much older than someone in first grade.
Maybe I don't get it... but I was waiting for the punchline or the twist or the moment of "this is why i read this" and it never came.
IDK you can sell anything with consistency, but there was none present.
My middle school teacher got upset and flipped a desk before. Idk why you say that would never happen.
And you have no idea how much stupid coloring assignments we had in high school. My teachers would usually have a box of colored pencils and another box of crayons. Granted they weren't under the student desks, but who's to say someone didn't place it there beforehand?
You are making assumptions about schools that are completely wrong.
And yeah, lets write a story (supposed to be a bit humorous) where the students get in trouble for cheating on a major exam and getting beaten. That's SOOO much funnier than stupid kids who all print out the same homework and try changing their names at the top of the page.
Idk why you also seem to think stories can't be plausible AND funny at the same time. I just happened to want to write a more plausible story this time and put some humor in it and you think I should make it completely ridiculous to get the humor element. Of course, I'm sure if I did do that, someone else would post on here saying how it's too impractical to be funny. You can't please them all.
You were offered advice. Some of it was a bit sharp, but it is what happens when you open your writing up to criticism. Even the best authors have to deal with it (in fact, much more so).
How you react to that advice is what determines if you will become a great author or not. Try to take something out of MaestroSC's post, for example, even if you don't agree with all of it. Your last post makes it seem like you are disregarding it entirely, but I think it is definitely something you should seriously consider. Many people for one reason or another did not enjoy this piece as much as your earlier ones; it doesn't really matter whether or not the reasons they give for why they don't like it make sense; you should strive towards pleasing the reader more in the future if that is your goal.
If you really want to argue about what is/isn't plausible, we can all do that. I held back my specific comments to be honest, as someone who has spent a great deal of time in the classroom.
The angle you're coming from is kinda unclear because of the words you use. It's been mentioned, but it took me a good chunk of the story to realize that the story wasn't serious. To be fair, I haven't read your previous blogs but the work should stand alone.
My main gripes are these:
On June 06 2013 09:29 Epishade wrote:
We entered the torture detention room
...
I turned my head but this only amplified the cries of poor Jeff as he was brutally violated by that death cudgel. He was never the same after that day.
The removed part kinda ruins the flow because of formatting and that doesn't translate to somewhere not a forum. The bolded part has a little too much of a child-molestation connotation to fit in with the violence. Maybe it's just me, but it kinda ruined the piece for me.
On June 08 2013 10:30 Juliette wrote: The angle you're coming from is kinda unclear because of the words you use. It's been mention. , but it took me a good chunk of the story to realize that the story wasn't serious. To be fair, I haven't read your previous blogs but the work should stand alone.
I turned my head but this only amplified the cries of poor Jeff as he was brutally violated by that death cudgel. He was never the same after that day.
The removed part kinda ruins the flow because of formatting and that doesn't translate to somewhere not a forum. The bolded part has a little too much of a child-molestation connotation to fit in with the violence. Maybe it's just me, but it kinda ruined the piece for me.
Dunno. I should read your previous blogs.
Thanks for your feedback. I can see where that crossed out word can ruin the flow. I'll be have to be more careful with those in my next stories. I also see what you mean with the other part too, although I did try to make it sound that way in an effort to be a little more humorous.
EPT
