EPTSchool Beating - Page 2
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32
United States163 Posts
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BisuEver
United States247 Posts
On June 06 2013 13:56 Manifesto7 wrote: I remember my grandfather telling me that when he was in the 8th grade, his teacher pointed to a bundle of yard sticks in the corner and announced to the class "by the end of the year, those will all be broken." True to his word, they were. This is why we can't have nice things. | ||
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Capped
United Kingdom7236 Posts
On June 06 2013 15:22 32 wrote: I like the crayons at the beginning, you do an excellent job offsetting the impending violence with the irrationality of the situation. I would not say this story is disrespectful to the seriousness of corporal punishment, but then I've led a sheltered life so perhaps I should not say at all. I enjoy your writing because it's often about high stakes nonsense. Seems more pertinent to real life than is usually recognized. I brought up a situation close to his because he was saying its outrageous something like this might happen, which its not. I dont think its disrespectful at all and i enjoyed the story and his writing style is amazing ^_^ I find it even more amazing that the story resembles what my 13 year old brother in law told me last week lol. (Regarding his beating at least) | ||
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32
United States163 Posts
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Daswollvieh
5553 Posts
On June 06 2013 13:56 Manifesto7 wrote: I remember my grandfather telling me that when he was in the 8th grade, his teacher pointed to a bundle of yard sticks in the corner and announced to the class "by the end of the year, those will all be broken." True to his word, they were. Now there´s a great story. | ||
Manifesto7
Osaka27128 Posts
The best part of that story is that my grandfather dropped out in grade 8. Boys who were to be hit with the yard stick had to place their hands on the front two desks and stick their but out the front of the aisle. Every time the teacher would swing though, my grandfather would lean forward, and the yard stick would hit the desk instead of his rump, snapping in half (which tells you the teacher was swinging for the fences). My grandfather later became a minister in the United Church for 25 years. | ||
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HotShizz
France710 Posts
gl hf  | ||
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radscorpion9
Canada2252 Posts
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Epishade
United States2267 Posts
On June 06 2013 22:23 HotShizz wrote: so the teacher's name is Teacher? Oughtn't you just say "the teacher?" Also, I don't think you have quite as good a grasp of who and whom as you think. Whom is more of an object in the sentence, who the subject. So the security guard who, upon entering... He did it, he entered, it wasn't done to him. It was the security guard, whom many feared, that entered clumsily at the vociferous cries of our enraged professor. Many feared him, he was not the one being afraid. Also, "I yelled." "Out" serves no purpose. What are you going to do, yell in? Also, it is always better to word your sentences so that they do not end in a preposition. "That was all I could think of." "It was the only thing of which I could think." "I sat down." "I sat." Etc, etc. gl hf I used Teacher just to make it sound like I was talking in a more informal tone. As I was writing, autocorrect wanted to change whom to who but I wouldn't let it. Guess I should have lol. The not ending your sentences in prepositions though is an old rule that I don't think should apply to every piece of writing. It's like starting a sentence with "and". I wouldn't say it is always better to word sentences that way, especially if you are writing a story instead of a report or something. Changing my sentences to what you suggested would have messed up the "flow" in my opinion from something easy and informal to strict and formal. Thanks anyways.  | ||
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MaestroSC
United States2073 Posts
If you are going to make it not-credible why not take advantage of it? Like make it actually funny and just completely ridiculous. Because being neither credible nor ridiculous, just puts you in the middle of nowhere. Either go with it, or don't, but don't middle of the road it... with an implausible story that isnt ridiculous enough to be funny. Even if you are going the "unreliable narrator" path, everything is just amplified/skewed by his warped perception, this can be made clear and can be hilarious, but this didn't make it clear that this was the case, and it didnt serve to create some hilarious ideas/observations on his part. Also there are a lot of unclear facts/things that don't mesh with eachother. Like when the teacher Flipped over the desk...that had crayons in it? A. This would never happen. B. Crayons...maybe if they are teaching 1st graders. Their plan was something concocted by 1st graders, but the main characters speech/thought process resembles someone much older. There should be consistency between the two. If your plan is to all use the same paper, and use colored pencil to cross off the name and write your own, in what world did this seem plausible? Maybe 1st grade logic here. But then you go on to use words like "ass" "pissed" or "cudgel". Which would mean the narrator is someone much older than someone in first grade. Maybe I don't get it... but I was waiting for the punchline or the twist or the moment of "this is why i read this" and it never came. IDK you can sell anything with consistency, but there was none present. | ||
micronesia
United States24600 Posts
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Flossy
United States870 Posts
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Epishade
United States2267 Posts
And you have no idea how much stupid coloring assignments we had in high school. My teachers would usually have a box of colored pencils and another box of crayons. Granted they weren't under the student desks, but who's to say someone didn't place it there beforehand? You are making assumptions about schools that are completely wrong. And yeah, lets write a story (supposed to be a bit humorous) where the students get in trouble for cheating on a major exam and getting beaten. That's SOOO much funnier than stupid kids who all print out the same homework and try changing their names at the top of the page. Idk why you also seem to think stories can't be plausible AND funny at the same time. I just happened to want to write a more plausible story this time and put some humor in it and you think I should make it completely ridiculous to get the humor element. Of course, I'm sure if I did do that, someone else would post on here saying how it's too impractical to be funny. You can't please them all. | ||
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micronesia
United States24600 Posts
How you react to that advice is what determines if you will become a great author or not. Try to take something out of MaestroSC's post, for example, even if you don't agree with all of it. Your last post makes it seem like you are disregarding it entirely, but I think it is definitely something you should seriously consider. Many people for one reason or another did not enjoy this piece as much as your earlier ones; it doesn't really matter whether or not the reasons they give for why they don't like it make sense; you should strive towards pleasing the reader more in the future if that is your goal. If you really want to argue about what is/isn't plausible, we can all do that. I held back my specific comments to be honest, as someone who has spent a great deal of time in the classroom. | ||
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Juliette
United States6003 Posts
My main gripes are these: On June 06 2013 09:29 Epishade wrote: We entered the ... I turned my head but this only amplified the cries of poor Jeff as he was brutally violated by that death cudgel. He was never the same after that day. The Dunno. I should read your previous blogs. | ||
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Epishade
United States2267 Posts
On June 08 2013 10:30 Juliette wrote: The angle you're coming from is kinda unclear because of the words you use. It's been mention. , but it took me a good chunk of the story to realize that the story wasn't serious. To be fair, I haven't read your previous blogs but the work should stand alone. My main gripes are these: The Dunno. I should read your previous blogs. Thanks for your feedback. I can see where that crossed out word can ruin the flow. I'll be have to be more careful with those in my next stories. I also see what you mean with the other part too, although I did try to make it sound that way in an effort to be a little more humorous. | ||
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