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My job basically consists of me removing staples from legal documents and scanning them onto Blu-Ray discs so the firm can save time/money/space on not having to store documents in a warehouse. This is all well and good, but every so often I encounter a Mega-Staple™ who is a cut above the rest. They're basically mini-bosses: way more durable and thick than regular staples, and you generally need a specific tool to remove them cleanly because they're hard to deal with otherwise.
Today at work was uneventful until an hour or so ago, when a wild Mega (as they are colloquially known) appeared without warning. I lacked the tool required to take down the beast... or to be more accurate, it was in the copy room right next to my office. Since I'm equal parts hardass and lazy, I opted to combat the fiend with a standard staple remover. Not the wisest idea, it turned out.
Because Megas are produced with what can only be military-grade titanium, the only way to remove one from a stack of documents whilst equipped with a normal staple remover consists of a three-staged stratagem. First, the main bracket must be loosened enough to allow it to wiggle slightly (because the bastards are balls-deep in the papers they hold together). Then, the twin prongs must be bent so that their curvature is disrupted and become roughly perpendicular to the pages. Finally, the killing blow is dealt by using the staple remover to grasp the main bracket of the Mega and wriggle it around until its bonds are loosed. The corpse of the defeated Mega can thereby be tossed into a trash can for incineration.
This particular Mega was a staunch opponent, however. When I attempted to initiate Phase 2 of the operation, the staple remover slipped slightly, and one of the Mega's prongs embedded itself into my finger and stuck there like a fishhook. My reflexes reacted to the pain and I tried to draw my hand away from the staple, but the stack of documents was a particularly hefty one, and the sheer weight of the papers tore the Mega from my finger as they fell toward the floor, along with a sizable sheaf of my skin. A crimson tide poured forth, and I wept like a little bitch. The surprise attack turned out to be too much for the Mega to withstand, however; just as a honeybee sacrifices its life to sting its foe, so too did the staple separate from the documents after its parting shot.
I spent the next fifteen minutes treating my war wounds and sopping up the blood that spattered onto my desk and keyboard. I then proceeded to type up an inexcusably pretentious blog describing my struggles in an attempt to earn sympathy points from strangers on the Internet. It's fuckin' hard to type legibly without two functional index fingers, by the way.
And that is the story of how I became lazy-pricked.
+ Show Spoiler +This one doesn't count, Tank.
EDIT: The war wound: + Show Spoiler +
A deceased Mega specimen (bottom) compared with a normal staple (top): + Show Spoiler +
 
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This does not surprise me in the least. Failcas strikes again
It is at least well written, please write blogs as often as you can with out loosing your job.
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My blogs are like Twinkies. Having one every once in a while is great, but overindulging will make them lose their appeal. They also have cream filling.
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I've never before had a look into the world of underground staple removal. Very interesting 5/5
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I'm kind of gullible, but I'm assuming this is a real story and you really do have battles with staples at work  .
I think your job is amazing. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting an audio transcription job. I would listen to transcripts sent from India, and verify whether they are accurate by reading it over and comparing it to the audio. I'm really excited to begin work...something about these mind numbingly simple jobs that is just so appealing.
But if that doesn't work, I will also have my glorious data entry job to fall back on! Unfortunately its only two weeks long  .
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On May 23 2013 07:10 radscorpion9 wrote:I'm kind of gullible, but I'm assuming this is a real story and you really do have battles with staples at work . I think your job is amazing. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting an audio transcription job. I would listen to transcripts sent from India, and verify whether they are accurate by reading it over and comparing it to the audio. I'm really excited to begin work...something about these mind numbingly simple jobs that is just so appealing. But if that doesn't work, I will also have my glorious data entry job to fall back on! Unfortunately its only two weeks long .
True story, brah. I just made it prose-y and shit because I enjoy doing that.
Yeah, my job is a blast. Very low-key, which I like. I can watch YouTube videos, listen to music and podcasts, and similar stuff while I work. Not a bad deal, in my opinion.
Except I can't actually do anything with that finger now. I'll prolly have to amputate it. :V
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well, if you went into the copy room and got the right instrument to remove the mega, could the whole fiasco been avoided?
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On May 23 2013 07:15 Race is Terran wrote:
well, if you went into the copy room and got the right instrument to remove the mega, could the whole fiasco been avoided?
Yes, you are correct. But, as was stated, I am lazy. Perhaps I shouldn't be so lazy in the future.
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5/5 made me laugh out loud in a library
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... Are Mega-Staples™ seriously incinerated?
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On May 23 2013 07:35 Taekwon wrote:
... Are Mega-Staples™ seriously incinerated?
Yes, for safety purposes. Can't afford to have those fuckers coming back for more.
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Good stuff :>
I didn't find this blog pretentious in the least though lol, meh
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Osaka27179 Posts
4/5 minus one for no picture in the spoiler.
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Hong Kong9180 Posts
I still patiently await your glorious work.
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^Definitely could have used some pictures I agree. We need to know what exactly we are dealing with when you mention Mega-Staples™.
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Still not seeing any of these so called mega staples. Show them to us, coward
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I'd like to say blogs like this are rare around here, but they are a TL staple.
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Brilliant blog, Write more !!
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/zeuPxtT.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/zOznyrx.jpg)
