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My job basically consists of me removing staples from legal documents and scanning them onto Blu-Ray discs so the firm can save time/money/space on not having to store documents in a warehouse. This is all well and good, but every so often I encounter a Mega-Staple™ who is a cut above the rest. They're basically mini-bosses: way more durable and thick than regular staples, and you generally need a specific tool to remove them cleanly because they're hard to deal with otherwise.
Today at work was uneventful until an hour or so ago, when a wild Mega (as they are colloquially known) appeared without warning. I lacked the tool required to take down the beast... or to be more accurate, it was in the copy room right next to my office. Since I'm equal parts hardass and lazy, I opted to combat the fiend with a standard staple remover. Not the wisest idea, it turned out.
Because Megas are produced with what can only be military-grade titanium, the only way to remove one from a stack of documents whilst equipped with a normal staple remover consists of a three-staged stratagem. First, the main bracket must be loosened enough to allow it to wiggle slightly (because the bastards are balls-deep in the papers they hold together). Then, the twin prongs must be bent so that their curvature is disrupted and become roughly perpendicular to the pages. Finally, the killing blow is dealt by using the staple remover to grasp the main bracket of the Mega and wriggle it around until its bonds are loosed. The corpse of the defeated Mega can thereby be tossed into a trash can for incineration.
This particular Mega was a staunch opponent, however. When I attempted to initiate Phase 2 of the operation, the staple remover slipped slightly, and one of the Mega's prongs embedded itself into my finger and stuck there like a fishhook. My reflexes reacted to the pain and I tried to draw my hand away from the staple, but the stack of documents was a particularly hefty one, and the sheer weight of the papers tore the Mega from my finger as they fell toward the floor, along with a sizable sheaf of my skin. A crimson tide poured forth, and I wept like a little bitch. The surprise attack turned out to be too much for the Mega to withstand, however; just as a honeybee sacrifices its life to sting its foe, so too did the staple separate from the documents after its parting shot.
I spent the next fifteen minutes treating my war wounds and sopping up the blood that spattered onto my desk and keyboard. I then proceeded to type up an inexcusably pretentious blog describing my struggles in an attempt to earn sympathy points from strangers on the Internet. It's fuckin' hard to type legibly without two functional index fingers, by the way.
And that is the story of how I became lazy-pricked.
+ Show Spoiler +This one doesn't count, Tank.
EDIT: The war wound: + Show Spoiler +
A deceased Mega specimen (bottom) compared with a normal staple (top): + Show Spoiler +
 
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This does not surprise me in the least. Failcas strikes again
It is at least well written, please write blogs as often as you can with out loosing your job.
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My blogs are like Twinkies. Having one every once in a while is great, but overindulging will make them lose their appeal. They also have cream filling.
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I've never before had a look into the world of underground staple removal. Very interesting 5/5
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I'm kind of gullible, but I'm assuming this is a real story and you really do have battles with staples at work  .
I think your job is amazing. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting an audio transcription job. I would listen to transcripts sent from India, and verify whether they are accurate by reading it over and comparing it to the audio. I'm really excited to begin work...something about these mind numbingly simple jobs that is just so appealing.
But if that doesn't work, I will also have my glorious data entry job to fall back on! Unfortunately its only two weeks long  .
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On May 23 2013 07:10 radscorpion9 wrote:I'm kind of gullible, but I'm assuming this is a real story and you really do have battles with staples at work . I think your job is amazing. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting an audio transcription job. I would listen to transcripts sent from India, and verify whether they are accurate by reading it over and comparing it to the audio. I'm really excited to begin work...something about these mind numbingly simple jobs that is just so appealing. But if that doesn't work, I will also have my glorious data entry job to fall back on! Unfortunately its only two weeks long .
True story, brah. I just made it prose-y and shit because I enjoy doing that.
Yeah, my job is a blast. Very low-key, which I like. I can watch YouTube videos, listen to music and podcasts, and similar stuff while I work. Not a bad deal, in my opinion.
Except I can't actually do anything with that finger now. I'll prolly have to amputate it. :V
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well, if you went into the copy room and got the right instrument to remove the mega, could the whole fiasco been avoided?
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On May 23 2013 07:15 Race is Terran wrote:
well, if you went into the copy room and got the right instrument to remove the mega, could the whole fiasco been avoided?
Yes, you are correct. But, as was stated, I am lazy. Perhaps I shouldn't be so lazy in the future.
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5/5 made me laugh out loud in a library
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... Are Mega-Staples™ seriously incinerated?
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On May 23 2013 07:35 Taekwon wrote:
... Are Mega-Staples™ seriously incinerated?
Yes, for safety purposes. Can't afford to have those fuckers coming back for more.
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Good stuff :>
I didn't find this blog pretentious in the least though lol, meh
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Osaka27149 Posts
4/5 minus one for no picture in the spoiler.
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Hong Kong9154 Posts
I still patiently await your glorious work.
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^Definitely could have used some pictures I agree. We need to know what exactly we are dealing with when you mention Mega-Staples™.
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Still not seeing any of these so called mega staples. Show them to us, coward
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I'd like to say blogs like this are rare around here, but they are a TL staple.
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Brilliant blog, Write more !!
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I once had a similar job though there were no mega staples. I spent most of my time fighting with the copy machine as it refused to scan or would jam and eat probably 98% of the documents. Never drew blood though. Anyway good blog, I enjoyed it.
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On May 23 2013 07:17 Archas wrote:Show nested quote +On May 23 2013 07:15 Race is Terran wrote:
well, if you went into the copy room and got the right instrument to remove the mega, could the whole fiasco been avoided? Yes, you are correct. But, as was stated, I am lazy. Perhaps I shouldn't be so lazy in the future.
I'm suprised you are still hesitant on changing your stance on your lazy personality. For example, if it was me in your position, I wouldn't want to suffer any more physical pain than nesecary and since walking around < blood I would always opt for the easier way out
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On May 23 2013 08:06 Manifesto7 wrote:
4/5 minus one for no picture in the spoiler.
Yeah where's the picture :/
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Wow, you guys are morbid. You're all that interested in seeing injuries?
+ Show Spoiler [Really not that special] +
I cleaned up the blood and everything, so it's just a flap of skin. I'll probably clip it off with cuticle cutters or something.
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How do we know that's your real hand? And where's the beast that caused this injury?
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Lol, suspicious, are we? I tossed the Mega in the trash at work, like I told you they always are. And as for the hand, you'll simply have to take my word for it. I can't do much to persuade you if you're not inclined to believe me, after all.
I'll get a picture of a Mega tomorrow.
On May 23 2013 10:10 Race is Terran wrote:Show nested quote +On May 23 2013 07:17 Archas wrote:On May 23 2013 07:15 Race is Terran wrote:
well, if you went into the copy room and got the right instrument to remove the mega, could the whole fiasco been avoided? Yes, you are correct. But, as was stated, I am lazy. Perhaps I shouldn't be so lazy in the future. I'm suprised you are still hesitant on changing your stance on your lazy personality. For example, if it was me in your position, I wouldn't want to suffer any more physical pain than nesecary and since walking around < blood I would always opt for the easier way out
The remark was meant to be funny, like the rest of my blog. Of course I want to avoid personal injury. Since I was a dumbass though, I'm choosing to use self-deprecation to make people laugh.
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On May 23 2013 11:00 Archas wrote:Lol, suspicious, are we? I tossed the Mega in the trash at work, like I told you they always are. And as for the hand, you'll simply have to take my word for it. I can't do much to persuade you if you're not inclined to believe me, after all. I'll get a picture of a Mega tomorrow. Show nested quote +On May 23 2013 10:10 Race is Terran wrote:On May 23 2013 07:17 Archas wrote:On May 23 2013 07:15 Race is Terran wrote:
well, if you went into the copy room and got the right instrument to remove the mega, could the whole fiasco been avoided? Yes, you are correct. But, as was stated, I am lazy. Perhaps I shouldn't be so lazy in the future. I'm suprised you are still hesitant on changing your stance on your lazy personality. For example, if it was me in your position, I wouldn't want to suffer any more physical pain than nesecary and since walking around < blood I would always opt for the easier way out The remark was meant to be funny, like the rest of my blog. Of course I want to avoid personal injury. Since I was a dumbass though, I'm choosing to use self-deprecation to make people laugh.
meh ok. I guess if you're ok with calling yourself a dumbass, I'm ok with it
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Captivating story of a man who risks his life daily for his job.
5 stars
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Haha nah, I believe you. I'll be waiting to see this Mega staple though.
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Interesting read. Kudos to you for making work sound interesting and dangerous.
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Well executed my good sir! I look forward to reading more about your trials and tribulations with mega staple bosses and other foes and fiends of the office setting (such as the paper cutter/guillotine)
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I tend to not read the pretentious wall-of-text blogs on TL, but this one caught my eye immediately and was quite hilarious. Good job, 5/5.
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A real lazy person would have brought along the Mega-killing-tool from the get go. Think of all the extra effort you need to kill a mega without it and then of all the extra effort you now have to put into things because you're lacking your full finger power.
3/5, OP lied to me.
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I didn't really find it very funny, but I gave you a 4/5 anyway.
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I will hold off rating you until I figure out what the hell a mega staple is
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Here is a comparison between a regular staple (top) and a Mega (bottom). They may seem similar because the only camera I have on me is my crappy cellphone camera, but rest assured, they are no simple foe to confront.
+ Show Spoiler +
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Those mega staples look fucking brutal
You really manage to deal with these on a consistent basis huh 
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On May 23 2013 17:59 r.Evo wrote:
A real lazy person would have brought along the Mega-killing-tool from the get go. Think of all the extra effort you need to kill a mega without it and then of all the extra effort you now have to put into things because you're lacking your full finger power.
3/5, OP lied to me.
I don't agree. That would just be a different type of lazy person. Archas here is a "too lazy to get out of chair" lazy person like myself.
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On May 24 2013 02:24 Rotodyne wrote:Show nested quote +On May 23 2013 17:59 r.Evo wrote:
A real lazy person would have brought along the Mega-killing-tool from the get go. Think of all the extra effort you need to kill a mega without it and then of all the extra effort you now have to put into things because you're lacking your full finger power.
3/5, OP lied to me. I don't agree. That would just be a different type of lazy person. Archas here is a "too lazy to get out of chair" lazy person like myself.
Precisely! You and me, we've got a connection here. 
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United Kingdom14103 Posts
Absolutely god damn incredible, so much talent like this on tl it's a joke.
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That looks like a monster staple, where can you get them?
I haven't found any at Staples, what a travesty
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On May 24 2013 04:58 Targe wrote:
Absolutely god damn incredible, so much talent like this on tl it's a joke.
Haha, I can't tell if you're complimenting my writing, or making a jab at my hilariously mundane job.
On May 24 2013 05:21 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
That looks like a monster staple, where can you get them?
I haven't found any at Staples, what a travesty
As soon as I find out, I will be deploying hunter-killer squads to neutralize the factories that produce them.
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On May 24 2013 00:31 Archas wrote:Here is a comparison between a regular staple (top) and a Mega (bottom). They may seem similar because the only camera I have on me is my crappy cellphone camera, but rest assured, they are no simple foe to confront. + Show Spoiler +
what the heck!!! the thing is a beast!!! are you ok?
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Why do other blogs even try?
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Osaka27149 Posts
On May 24 2013 04:58 Targe wrote:
Absolutely god damn incredible, so much talent like this on tl it's a joke.
If there is pizza to be eaten or staples to be wrestled, TL has you covered.
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United Kingdom14103 Posts
On May 24 2013 13:03 Manifesto7 wrote:Show nested quote +On May 24 2013 04:58 Targe wrote:
Absolutely god damn incredible, so much talent like this on tl it's a joke. If there is pizza to be eaten or staples to be wrestled, TL has you covered.
Hahaha, what a quote!
On May 24 2013 05:27 Archas wrote:Show nested quote +On May 24 2013 04:58 Targe wrote:
Absolutely god damn incredible, so much talent like this on tl it's a joke. Haha, I can't tell if you're complimenting my writing, or making a jab at my hilariously mundane job. Show nested quote +On May 24 2013 05:21 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
That looks like a monster staple, where can you get them?
I haven't found any at Staples, what a travesty As soon as I find out, I will be deploying hunter-killer squads to neutralize the factories that produce them.
Don't worry, your writing was being complimented, yet another reason that TL needs a sarcasm tag ^^
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Great writing talent. Had a laugh
Also it made me think of one time when I was a kid growing up on a farm. I was out in the fields for some reason, when I noticed the electric fence for the cattle was lying on the ground. Lazy as you I decided that instead of walking back to the switch to turn it off, I'd try to fix it with a metal-pole (!) with only a coin-sized insulated tip in the end.
I started lifting the wire, and the plan worked well for about 2 seconds, then i got a huge ZAPP when the wire fell onto the metal-pole. Then I walked back to turn off the power....
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Brutal. Find a better job.
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Netherlands6183 Posts
5/5 great story! Bonus points for the pictures. That was great, made me laugh and is totally relatable. When I was young I stapled my finger and had to have it surgically removed. Not the smartest child really.
Staples are dangerous! Heed this warning fellow TLers! Do not mess with those little fuckers, they will kick your ass.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/zeuPxtT.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/zOznyrx.jpg)
