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Damn kids, get off my lawn

Blogs > Grobyc
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Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18409 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-03-11 04:22:58
March 11 2013 03:52 GMT
#1
edit: Disclaimer - I just realized this is a really angrily written post. But yeah, still pretty annoyed.

I swear to god, the next batch of motherfucking kids I catch bouncing on my trampoline in my yard I am going to be the shit out of with a bat. How's that for a tl;dr?

So I have a trampoline in my yard. When I first got it, all the kids in the neighbourhood would knock on my door and ask if they can bounce on it. Most of the time I said yes, but only 2 on at a time, they can't use it when I'm not home, and they always have to ask me before using it.

These bold motherfuckers. I would be coming home from work and see them bouncing on it when I never authorized it. I'd tell them "if I ever catch you doing that again no one is allowed on ever again". They say "ok, sorry", then scram.

What do you know? I come home from work not even a week later and catch kids on it again. Sometimes the same kids, sometimes different kids. Now they're saying "uh, we talked to someone who knows you and they said it was okay." Do you think I'm fucking stupid? I say "I know no one said that, that's bullshit. I'm calling the cops next time I catch you guys on it." <-- bluffing, I'm not actually going to bother calling the cops.

That scared away most of them. Now all who's left are these piece of shit teenage cunts that think they're invincible and they can do what the want. Obviously the cops bluff doesn't work, so the next time I catch them I say "you better get the fuck off my property now or I'm going to break your legs." They basically pull the same crap like "well the other guy who lives here said it was okay." Yeah..., about that - I'm the only guy who lives here so don't even fucking waste your breath.

Now... I hadn't seen these bastards since for a month or two up until 10 minutes ago. I'm reading TL and I faintly hear *bounce*... *bounce* ... *giggle giggle* *bounce*... So I sneak out the back door and go around so they don't see me coming. Walking towards them.

"You have 10 seconds to run as fast as you fucking can before I make my way over there and kick the shit out of you"

It's usually dark out so I can't really make out their faces, but I'm positive these fuckers have already been told off by me and it's the last god damn warning I'm giving them. They think I'm fucking bluffing now?

I'm dead serious next time I catch these sons of bitches in my yard on my trampoline I'm running after them with a bat.

Initially I would have just found somewhere else for the trampoline, but:
a) Me and friends do use it occasionally. I don't think I should have to give up something of mine because of this.
b) I have nowhere else to put it anyway, and I don't feel like renting a large storage room out of my pocket to store something that I can never use.
c) It's my brother's as well (he's in china atm), so it's not 100% up to me anyway

So how will/should this end? If I don't do something "drastic" these fucking kids are never going to stop. I'm getting really god damn pissed.

****
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
Aerisky
Profile Blog Joined May 2012
United States11057 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-03-11 04:01:10
March 11 2013 04:00 GMT
#2
LOL holy shit, on one hand it's like "DAYUM you're pissed", but on the other, I completely understand what you mean. I'd be mad as hell too if that happened to me. I'm assuming it's like one of those full-size trampolines so you can't just stash it away temporarily and take it out whenever you feel like it. Hmm, could their behavior constitute trespassing? I dunno :X

For funnies, though:
+ Show Spoiler +
On July 26 2012 15:45 Shady Sands wrote:
There are a number of solutions that may provide relief from the nighttime stalking. Please note that this post is purely informative and I do not in any way encourage you to take any of the below actions. I do not live in Sweden so I do not have any idea what the local laws are--highly recommend consulting with a local lawyer before embarking on any of these courses of action. As always with posts of this nature, the actor, not the poster, bears all responsibility for any consequences arising from any techniques bearing either a substantive or superficial resemblance to the ones listed below.

Deterrent/warning/nuisance
  • Paint dispenser
    Basically a device that either drops or sprays paint on him, or splats him with a paintball. Good for tagging down the target so you know who is sneaking up on your house at night.
  • Stink dispenser
    Same philosophy as the paint device, but with a foul/irritating fluid. Best choices include butyric acid (harmless but smells like rancid butter, obtainable from any chemical company or even your high school chemistry lab.) Alternatively, you could also make a homemade stink solution of ammonia and match-heads--just swirl the match-heads around in ammonia, seal the container, wait two days, and you have a solution of ammonium sulfate, which is what goes into commercial and military stink bombs. Spray/drop/splash your assailant if he intrudes.
  • Light trap
    Some other people have already posted about this in the thread: basically a triggering system that turns on a powerful light, like a commercial floodlamp. Best if combined with the noise trap below:
  • Noise trap
    Fire up your loudest, most jarring track of music (or annoying noise like an alarm clock) and set it to go off if he gets near.


Painful but (usually) non-lethal
  • Caltrops
    + Show Spoiler [What is this?] +
    [image loading]

    Caltrops are an antipersonnel weapon made up of two or more sharp nails or spines arranged in such a manner that one of them always points upward from a stable base (for example, a tetrahedron). They cheap and easy to make--all it requires is two long-ish (10cm) nails to make one. So with a box of 500 nails (should be cheap, less than 20 euros), you can make over 250 caltrops and scatter them about your front porch/the grass in your yard. Best idea is to put in the grass or buy a shaggy rug and hide them in there, as they will not be visible. Also remember to spray paint them black or brown so they don't shine in the moonlight. Depending on the thickness of his shoes, the assailant will get a 1-2cm deep wound to the sole of his foot and lose the use of that foot (since the caltrop will be stuck to his shoe), which is usually enough to give you the decisive edge in any physical encounter.
  • Nail Heads on Carpet
    Same philosophy as the caltrop, but easier to clean up. Drive nails through the bottom of a rug so that the sharp end sticks up, and superglue or epoxy them in place from the back side. Space them about 5cm apart in a triangular pattern. When you need to dispose of the trap, simply pick up the rug and move it.
  • Aerosol Flame Trap
    Basically a trap that incorporates a lighter, an aerosol can, and a triggering device. Assailant triggers lighter and aerosol spray, which sends a 1-meter jet of flame in a set direction for approximately 3-10 seconds (depending on how much fuel is in the spray can). The flame will not be hot enough to set him on fire, but will scare him and cause minor burns.
  • Mace Canister/CS dispenser/Mustard Gas dispenser
    Same philosophy as the stink dispenser, but uses irritating/painful chemical agents this time. Mace is commercially obtainable and usually comes in nice spray bottles that you can easily hook up to an automated triggering system. The other two have the advantage of being much more painful than Mace, but also dangerous to yourself as well. Use with care. Your assailant will likely be incapacitated after an encounter like this, and will require medical attention if the chemical amount is high enough.


Potentially Lethal
  • 00 Buckshot Trap
    You do not need a firearm for this trap to work, although it makes it much easier. If you do have a shotgun, simply wire it to go off when someone triggers a pressure plate or tripwire. If you don't, use a thickened metal pipe and an improvised firing pin. Pipe strength is not critical as the "barrel" only has to withstand one shot. The advantage of this is that spread of 00 Buckshot out of a 15-20 cm unchoked barrel is about the size of a fist at 10 meters, which means that you can place this trap well out of sight of an entryway, or it can guard all the windows and doors along an entire wall as opposed to just one point of egress. If you want to tone down the lethality, substitute a lighter load of shot (or beanbag shot) for the device, and/or place at knee/ankle level to disable movement.
  • Spring-loaded axe/knife/machete
    Basically a device that swings a blade down a predetermined path upon triggering. The ideal path for a thrusting movement is usually upwards through the floorboards or downwards from the ceiling at a slight (20 degree-40 degree) angle. The ideal path for a swinging movement is either at abdomen height or neck height (lethal), or from behind towards the back of the knee/hamstring (disabling).
  • FFV 013 / VP 88 / MON-50
    These are the Swedish, Finnish, and Russian versions of the American M18 Claymore directional landmine. Since you live in Sweden, these devices should be the versions that are available if you have the right connections in your local community. Triggering systems include tripwires and infrared laser beam triggers (basically one of the beams that goes across the bottom of a garage door.)
  • Grenade In A Can
    A hand grenade works like this: you pull the firing pin, then throw it, at which a spring-loaded handle held flush to the grenade body is set free when the grenade leaves your hand, arming the fuse and beginning the countdown. So the grenade in a can works by pulling the firing pin but jamming the grenade into a steel can. Then you place the can down on the ground and weight it down with rocks (or glue it to the ground). Then you wrap a thin, clear string (piano wire or nylon fishing lines work the best here) around the grenade and thread the other end around a vertical object to form a tripwire. When the wire is pulled, the grenade will pop out of the can and arm itself, and explode; if you can get the variants with a zero-delay fuse (an instantaneous fuse) then the grenade will explode without warning.

    The best grenade to use for this is the Soviet RGD-5, as it is can-sized, cheap, and comes with a zero-delay UZRGM fuse. The grenade itself is usually available in bulk for about $5 (or 4 euros) per unit. It has a guaranteed lethal radius of 3 meters and can inflict fragmentation injuries/shatter glass out to 15 meters, so do not plant one of these close to a window or door. As always, paint the device matte black or brown for low-visibility in nighttime conditions.
Jim while Johnny had had had had had had had; had had had had the better effect on the teacher.
P7GAB
Profile Joined June 2012
Canada484 Posts
March 11 2013 04:02 GMT
#3
start putting out pieces of wood with spikes sticking out of them around the trampoline, then when questioned by the police, say they were for the squirrels
iTzSnypah
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
United States1738 Posts
March 11 2013 04:03 GMT
#4
Take off the the legs, and store them inside.
Team Liquid needs more Terrans.
gabsonuro
Profile Joined July 2012
24 Posts
March 11 2013 04:04 GMT
#5
loosen the bolts that hold the trampoline "mat" or floor, dig the ground from under the trampoline and fill it with spikes, watch invincible teenagers fall to their death. laugh. repeat.
endy
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
Switzerland8917 Posts
March 11 2013 04:05 GMT
#6
You have to do something. If one of those kids somehow cracks his skull on the trampoline, his parents are going to sue for not having a locked down fence around it.

Isn't there a way of taking it to pieces rather than putting the whole thing in a storage room ?
ॐ
Jaaaaasper
Profile Blog Joined April 2012
United States5668 Posts
March 11 2013 04:07 GMT
#7
I would recommend actually calling the police next time, or taking the legs off. You could also set up a security camera and show up to talk to parents with proof, or the same with the police.
Hey do you want to hear a joke? Chinese production value. | I thought he had a aegis- Ayesee | When did 7ing mad last have a good game, 2012?
Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18409 Posts
March 11 2013 04:15 GMT
#8
Initially I was going to say they'd just steal the remainder of the trampoline if I take off the legs, because I like that idea, but I guess I can just go buy a $5 lock and lock it up to something in the corner of the yard as well?
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18409 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-03-11 04:24:18
March 11 2013 04:19 GMT
#9
As for calling the cops: does nothing. Kids run, cops go "what you want me to do?", then repeat.

I want them to experience physical pain preferably because I feel like otherwise they're just too bold and daring, but obviously nothing too crazy, and I don't want to have it backfire legally some way.
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
Roe
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
Canada5999 Posts
March 11 2013 04:24 GMT
#10
Have you tried talking to their parents?
endy
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
Switzerland8917 Posts
March 11 2013 04:24 GMT
#11
On March 11 2013 13:19 Grobyc wrote:
I want them to experience physical pain preferably, but obviously nothing too crazy, and I don't want to have it backfire legally some way.


Shooting trespassers with a BB gun is fine I guess.
ॐ
Aerisky
Profile Blog Joined May 2012
United States11057 Posts
March 11 2013 04:24 GMT
#12
On March 11 2013 13:15 Grobyc wrote:
Initially I was going to say they'd just steal the remainder of the trampoline if I take off the legs, because I like that idea, but I guess I can just go buy a $5 lock and lock it up to something in the corner of the yard as well?

I think this is probably the safest route you can take

Would be nice if they could experience intense physical pain but there's probably no legal way for you to set them up to get owned that way lol.
Jim while Johnny had had had had had had had; had had had had the better effect on the teacher.
Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18409 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-03-11 04:29:44
March 11 2013 04:26 GMT
#13
On March 11 2013 13:24 Roe wrote:
Have you tried talking to their parents?

Yes. At least to the ones I knew of. There's easily a dozen offending kids in the neighbourhood. During one of the first couple of events, I followed some of the kinds back home and spoke to a couple parents, but I don't know where the other kids live and it's usually dark out when they start trespassing, so I can't really ID them.
On March 11 2013 13:24 endy wrote:
Show nested quote +
On March 11 2013 13:19 Grobyc wrote:
I want them to experience physical pain preferably, but obviously nothing too crazy, and I don't want to have it backfire legally some way.


Shooting trespassers with a BB gun is fine I guess.

I suppose I won't need to do this if I take off the legs and lock it up in the yard, but it sounds like a good in-the-middle suggestion for wanting to induce pain upon them . Could also be useful in case they start with other shenanigans once I lock up the trampoline. i.e. egging my house or something
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18409 Posts
March 11 2013 04:35 GMT
#14
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
Shellshock
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United States95884 Posts
March 11 2013 04:35 GMT
#15
You could always rig your trampoline to "break" when you aren't around right? loosen some screws or something?
Moderatorhttp://i.imgur.com/U4xwqmD.png
TL+ Member
Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18409 Posts
March 11 2013 04:37 GMT
#16
but then i have a broken trampoline and a lawsuit? lol
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
Shellshock
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United States95884 Posts
March 11 2013 04:40 GMT
#17
Then go with the BB gun I guess
Moderatorhttp://i.imgur.com/U4xwqmD.png
TL+ Member
WaveofShadow
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Canada20042 Posts
March 11 2013 04:42 GMT
#18
At first I thought this was a SC2/BW analogy.
Then I actually read the blog.
I was pleasantly surprised.
twitch.tv/waveofshadow ||| Winner of AHGL's So You Think You Can Cast! ||| Juicy Dad for lyfe ||| 'idk i get a kick out of stupid things' - Jarms Yarng
LeafMeAlone
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
United States301 Posts
March 11 2013 04:45 GMT
#19
Put loads of junk on a tarp on the trampoline and just remove it when you need to use it
~_~
Ilikestarcraft
Profile Blog Joined November 2004
Korea (South)17677 Posts
March 11 2013 05:00 GMT
#20
On March 11 2013 13:05 endy wrote:
You have to do something. If one of those kids somehow cracks his skull on the trampoline, his parents are going to sue for not having a locked down fence around it.

Isn't there a way of taking it to pieces rather than putting the whole thing in a storage room ?

I don't know about legal issues and maybe this is me just being ignorant but a world where you're held responsible for kids illegally trespassing on your property and getting hurt is messed up, regardless of whether there is a locked down fence on it or not.
"Nana is a goddess. Or at very least, Nana is my goddess." - KazeHydra
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