"Swimmin' in a bottle of imposters Losin' my ground in the name of takin' it farther We can thumb wrestle or we can make a daughter I thought it was supposed to get easier when you worked harder"
I don't know what I'm supposed to do when it seems the harder I try to do something right, the heavier the emotional and mental burdens become. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way any less predisposed to believe whatever's easier than any other person right now, but when the options seem to narrow down until it becomes a choice between something being wrong with me, or everyone else on this wretched planet being fucked up, I'm no longer able to discern which is more demotivating.
It's a girl blog in the same way as such everything I take enough inspiration from to write or just continuously recite through my mind is fundamentally a girl blog.
I thought I could be this one's friend first and foremost. I went out with her and she broke up with me shortly after but that's not what's got me down in the slightest. Basically, a friend walked across the cafeteria and told me it was over. The girl then texted me while I was in class saying she missed me, its not that she doesnt wanna go out with me, she's really sorry about her friend and that we need to talk. I told her when my lesson ended and she said she wanted to just be mates. I'm not significantly bothered at this point, not because I didn't like her or because I'm a cold person, but because I've learned that as long as I'm loving the world, I can love myself and that knowledge is more important than anything else.
However, when I said she should explain all that happened... what she said, etc, she said "Im not gonna explain anything". I told her that although I'd never say I wouldn't be her friend because I think she's great, but basically that's not how I'd treat someone I considered to be a friend. She then got really defensive, saying things like "for once I'm treating myself right" (and no, I wasn't anything less than entirely sweet and kind to her) and acting like I was mad because she was breaking up with me as opposed to just being concerned that it wouldn't be wise to enter a one-way trust relationship of any kind. I discovered later after that, she removed me from facebook and I assume blocked me on her phone.
There's a tiny chance that you know what happened with my last opportunity to finally join a group of friends. If not, I think I'll decide it's not worth explaining here, but someone destroyed that. However, this girl is friends with everyone I've been getting to know here at college as part of an attempt to improve my life, mostly by making it less lonely, and I'm quite convinced that how she's acted here has most likely very heavily jeopardized any social, friendship opportunities I'd have in the future there or otherwise.
Because of all the confusing things she said, and her unspoken now-refusal to be my friend, I don't know if I can ever get that newly found confidence, in myself and outwardly towards others back. I feel too scared of being judged, and knowing that all her friends will be predisposed to disown me and personally, I once again find it impossible to convince myself that I'm a person with enough worth to be a desirable friend to anybody.
I need to get a real diary or online journal so that I can cease annoying you people and paying back this wonderful and amazing community so horribly with such terrible and awfully obviously uninspired, poor excuses for blogs. I promise I'll repay my debt one day, friends.
By the way, that song means a lot to me and it hurts that I shared it with them only days ago. If I can still view it the same way, perhaps one day I'll find someone to truly... SHARE the experience of it with. But I'm simply not hopeful these days and I wish I could say that it tore me apart to say it, but I'd describe the feeling more accurately as reminding me of just how insecure and incompetent I really am inside.
On October 04 2012 08:05 MysteryMeat1 wrote: don't rely on girls. you'll never understand them. And you'll never know about your friendship opportunities until you've tried opening the door.
I'm not sure I fully understand your post, sorry. Thanks for the comment though.
On October 04 2012 08:02 EnE wrote:But I'm simply not hopeful these days and I wish I could say that it tore me apart to say it, but I'd describe the feeling more accurately as reminding me of just how insecure and incompetent I really am inside.
I've dealt with those feelings all my life. The biggest lesson I learned was to ignore them and not let them affect who I talk to or where I go or what I do. It's not an easy thing to learn how to do, but once you do you will start to feel a lot better about yourself and will live a fuller and more enjoyable life.
On October 04 2012 08:02 EnE wrote:But I'm simply not hopeful these days and I wish I could say that it tore me apart to say it, but I'd describe the feeling more accurately as reminding me of just how insecure and incompetent I really am inside.
I've dealt with those feelings all my life. The biggest lesson I learned was to ignore them and not let them affect who I talk to or where I go or what I do. It's not an easy thing to learn how to do, but once you do you will start to feel a lot better about yourself and will live a fuller and more enjoyable life.
Hmm that's some meaningful advice. I truly appreciate that it comes from another human heart.
"With the pain you endure comes the freedom to decide Whether or not your gonna stay or leave There’s nothing more fulfilling than knowing that Every cut you undergo, and overcome Is because you’ve always believed"
The only thing I really have an urge to do is share feelings with people. It's always been the only thing that seems to have meaning in life. It's a craving that hurts but it's the source of all of my strength. If I can sincerely trade in happiness with someone once, it'll make my day and I can't help but always hope to be able to share a love that can make my life.
tbh and ive said it before but I just feel like expressing it now, pretty much all the time I feel like I'm living on the edge of a breakdown and every night I have to let something out. That's why I never can do well in school or college because I dont sleep enough for the mornings. I need feelings because I can't cope in the rational world when every logical train of thought leads to death and the end. I've never coped well in this world and it takes a deep toll on my psyche that I can feel whenever I close my eyes but I'll always be still going... while I wait for whatever it is that keeps my feelings awake.
On October 04 2012 08:50 EnE wrote:tbh and ive said it before but I just feel like expressing it now, pretty much all the time I feel like I'm living on the edge of a breakdown and every night I have to let something out. That's why I never can do well in school or college because I dont sleep enough for the mornings. I need feelings because I can't cope in the rational world when every logical train of thought leads to death and the end. I've never coped well in this world and it takes a deep toll on my psyche that I can feel whenever I close my eyes but I'll always be still going... while I wait for whatever it is that keeps my feelings awake.
Have you ever tried therapy? Getting those feelings out to another person who is legally bound to shut up is incredibly relieving
What you need is a dude friend to whom you can tell this story. Once you both nod your heads and reflect on how dem hos r a waste of time, you'll feel so much better.
On October 04 2012 10:55 hoot00 wrote: What you need is a dude friend to whom you can tell this story. Once you both nod your heads and reflect on how dem hos r a waste of time, you'll feel so much better.
Yeah, actually, there's one guy who I met a while ago on sc2 from sweden who I talked to last night. He talks to me when I need to and he's one of the only people that seems to flow along the same wavelength as me, it was very helpful conversation.
On October 04 2012 18:00 FractalsOnFire wrote: She did you a favour. Sounds like someone who isn't worth your time. Find someone else for friendship or a relationship.
But if she was secure and fine then she wouldn't have reacted so defensively immediately when I took my own stance in this situation. I know they've had a bad time and it hurts, I wish I could just disregard myself and be the best friend I could to them, that's the thing, they're another person with the same feelings as the rest of us I can't just let it not work out.
EDIT:
Lol, she told me to grow up, get a life and when I said that I wasn't sure how she convinced herself that I gave a shit about what happened or what she thinks, she told me I was going to die "fucking" alone lol. She has serious problems, its a good thing I'm disassociating myself with her if she can't treat me right. I'm proud of myself.
I listened to the song. It was good but kind of sad..
Good to be proud that you're above her now. I read somewhere that the first phase of a break up is happy because you feel free... and then the sadness kicks in.. and then you get mad at them and then you're over them.
It sounds like she is being a bit of a biatch and i would venture to guess that she had a period of her life in which she strained to be nicer than she really was. Now she's learned that she needs to look out for herself and her self interest to an extreme and you are the victim.
Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way any less predisposed to believe whatever's easier than any other person right now, but when the options seem to narrow down until it becomes a choice between something being wrong with me, or everyone else on this wretched planet being fucked up, I'm no longer able to discern which is more demotivating.
Your meaning is so unclear to me. That is a complicated sentence. I just want to comment that you could alleviate yourself from the pain of thinking "either I am wrong or they are wrong" by remembering that nothing is ever really as simple as black and white. Probably you have some space to grow as a person and so does everyone else.
EPT
