EPTI think the last time I posted, I had just gotten my role in the play. Yeah, that was it.
That weekend was a short one, where I didn't get enough sleep, but it was still restful. Mostly I sat around, doing busywork and dinking around on my computer.
Most of the week itself is a blur. Monday, all I can remember is the practice we had. We read through the script, and we found out that the stage production is... a little more... raunchy, than the movie. It wasn't too bad, but it was blatant. Either way, we had fun with it, and I went home and... did whatever.
Tuesday I don't remember anything. At all. This is why I should be writing every night.
Actually.... unfortunately I do remember something. World History, we were talking about... WWII or some crap. Specifically leaders of the countries. My teacher was talking about Stalin, the leader of the USSR at that time. There was one comment he made that just... turns me off to a lot he says. He said that Stalin was misguiding the country, and that the system (Communism) would have worked without him. My teacher is a communist sympathizer.
Admittedly some would say I'm just a close-minded idiot who has no idea what he's talking about, but... really... communism has many examples, none of which work in the real world. You can say anything works in theory, but many things don't work when applied.
It's just... I don't understand why people think these idealogies are good. I simply cannot fathom the process the mind goes through to come to that conclusion. It's like not understanding how to properly construct a sentence, or having trouble with a math equation. I simply cannot understand what it's like to struggle with something like that.
I can empathize with pain, I can comprehend excitement, or remorse, but I just don't get miscomprehension. Ironic, isn't it? I make mistakes, sure, but I understand concepts. I grasp theory quickly and don't let it go. For instance, the last test we took in Pre-Calc, I made two mistakes. Two. One was miswriting a variable (x instead of y) and the other was misplacing a negative sign. Basic, non-arithmetic errors that literally anyone could make.
I sound arrogant and I feel like a jerk just for writing it, but it's as pragmatic as I can be. Honestly, for the first time in a long time, now that I have everything at home together, I feel terrible for my intellectual blessings. The same thing that kept me from feeling inadequate when I lived in Northville is now causing me distress as I continue to grow my talents and skills.
Perhaps I am just an ignorant fool and a jerk. I wouldn't doubt it. Oh well, not much to do about it but improve, I suppose.
The rest of the week was comprised of a terrible migraine. Unfortunately, it was so bad Thursday that I wasn't seeing straight, and missed a day of school. It was a... restful day. Unproductive, painful, but restful. The week in general was just average.
Today, however, a lot of... things have occurred to me. There have been a lot of changes in my life, and I've described a lot of them in detail. I realized today just how complete that change is. I no longer look like the same person. Of course my face is the same, and my voice has the same tone, but I walk with more confidence. I stand straighter, I'm less quiet, and I can easily interact with people I would normal go out of my way to avoid.
My dad said something last week that really makes it clear. He commented on my clothes a few minutes before I went to school, saying how nice it was to see me in something that fit for once (Before I moved here, I had very few articles of clothing that fit well, or looked good. It really was an all around bad situation). I must admit, it's a very drastic difference.
Today I'm here at my friend (Another guy named Josiah (Joraiem)) 's house to celebrate his birthday. We have all but one of the new enlarged group here, and it's been a fun evening. Things are winding down after a harrowing and torturous game of Axis and Allies. We've eaten a lot of food, we've talked a lot, we've joked a lot, and we're having an amazing evening, I'd say.
There is one thing, an analogy, or symbol I'd like to mention before I wind this blog down, though.
On my way here (Which was an hour and a half of wading through traffic. I need to move closer), I was toying with my hat, and I thought deeply about it and another hat I own and wear often.
Firstly, these hats and their histories must be described to understand fully what they mean to me. I take pride in my hats, they are a distinct part of my day for several reasons.
The first of these hats was obtained two and a half years ago around Valentine's Day, when Meijer was putting out their Saint Patrick's Day attire. There was a set of green plaid fedoras, one of which I picked up and wore to school the next day. Specifically, I wore it in my German class, the head of which is one of my favorite teachers of all time. Herr Rast is a fun guy, who I thought would get a kick out of this ridiculous hat.
The class thought it was funny, so I wore it in that class every day. It became an identifying factor for the few people I made connections with at Northville.
I had Rast's German class for two years, and during the second year, there were several times I thought I was going to leave for good, just as I did this summer. One of these times (The most promising, tantalizing, and disappointing event, to be sure) I gave the hat to him the week before I was meant to leave. When the promise of escape was pulled from under me, I had to come back to see my hat hanging on the wall as though an effigy.
Few things can be as disappointing as that. I cannot describe the sorrow I felt. In all honesty, seeing that hat may have been harder than knowing I couldn't leave. It was, to me, the epitome of my hopes and endeavors, which at that time were only desperate thoughts of getting away from the abysmal situation I had been stuck in. Seeing it again made it real that I was once again at the mercy of all the powers that held me in their sway before I had a glimmer of hope.
Here is a good time to mention that hope is a dangerous thing. It is used for good and bad. It shows there is a reason to keep fighting, but when that hope is dashed against the rocks, it leaves a broken being who knows naught but weariness and has no will to go on.
Later that year, almost a year after getting the hat, I obtained a duplicate, because the store had restocked. It was fresher, as I had worn the other through wind, rain, snow, and sun for a year through. I continued wearing the old hat to class, though.
Here it must also be noted, this school was very strictly against hats. Apparently I can hide guns in there. This shows, however, what the German class was to me. Just as I was allowed to escape the rules by wearing the hat in there, so also was I able to gain a respite from thinking about the world outside. I enjoyed it, I was known and liked there, I felt better.
That teacher and the kids in the class produced a sanctuary in which, though I did not thrive, I certainly exceeded my normal capabilities at the time.
That same teacher sponsored a "Philosophy Club" after school on Thursdays. It was a time for me to get some real intellectual stimulation, and again, served as a rest. I formed bonds there also that have led to some of those people seeking me out and reading this very blog.
This place was, to me, safety.
At the end of the year, I knew I could not stay, and, if I did, that I would be in sorry shape should I return after the summer.
So, on the last day of school, I walked down to this teacher's room, and I gave him my original plaid green fedora.
Writing that sentence... it carries a lot of weight for me. Although it is a simple statement, it cannot convey the feelings, memories, and emotions that run through my head as I think back to the day.
Indescribable, incomprehensible, unbelievable.
Here I sit, alone in the darkness. My friends and companions lie sleeping around me, and I type away. I'm sure they'll read this later, but for now... I don't know. To be honest, I'd like the privacy a journal would afford, but there is so much to tell. The people who care about me should know what has happened and why I feel the way I feel. I can never tell them face to face, it just doesn't come out the same.
Writing is a much easier facet of expression. I have solitude, and yet unity when people read this. It is a unique feeling that I enjoy the more I partake in it.
I am truly thankful I can do it.
Then the summer came. I moved to my dad's and began my life in Holly. At some point in late August, we went school supply shopping. Since I had very few clothes, I needed to get some. While we were busy doing that, my dad found a hat rack.
Now, my dad is a rather bald gentlemen, so he tends to wear baseball caps whenever he goes out. It's just his thing.
As he was looking through them, he found a baseball cap with the cloth folded over and attached to the bill.
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![[image loading]](http://images.planet-sports.com/is/image/planetsports/90037_0?$m$)
Essentially this
He told me to try it on, and I did. He said, "Hey, you look pretty good in that, and it's out of the ordinary, and that's kind of your thing, so throw it in the cart."
I was dubious. I'm not a particularly attractive guy and a hat wasn't going to help much. But, over time, it's grown on me. It, in itself, is a plain hat. Not very extravagant, unlike a really vibrantly colored fedora.
There is a stark contrast between the two, and the reason I've made the switch makes sense, in a strange way. The fedora stands out. I did not, at the time. I was a character that very much stayed in the background. This was my defining trait. It represented, to me, the culminating dreams of years. These dreams were not much, but I could focus on nothing else. The cap is nothing special, but the face that lies under it is now a known variable. I am the defining character. When people see me at Holly they think not of a ridiculous piece of attire, but of the surprising amount of accomplishments I've accrued in a very short time.
This change is something that's very subtle, and it took me a while to isolate and define, but now that I have I can see that its strange connection to my choice in headgear is very... interesting.
Bah, I've written too much. I'd break this into parts, but I'm no good at formatting. I deeply apologize for those who have come to this point and feel they have wasted their time. I have a lot on my mind, and I felt the need to write it down.
To the rest of you, specifically those who took the time to give a damn and read this whole thing, and even more specifically my friends, I thank you.
I pray you are doing well, and I bid you, ladies and gentlemen, a good evening.
