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Well, the first term of school this year is going to end on Friday. I have already gotten back my results/report card and have shown them to my Dad. I did pretty average I guess, but I topped the class in English - scoring 3rd in the level for the subject. My Math and Chinese certainly was not up to par, but it was the average grade.
My Dad wasn't happy about my results at all anyway. On my English scores, he said that I was only average at best, and everybody else was just terrible. I can't even begin to conceive whether this was meant to be a praise or not.
Then, there is my Chemistry marks. Some of you may remember the Science project that I had to complete on my own, some of you, or rather most of you probably don't. Anyway, I scored the highest in class for that project and was only above average for a test that consisted of 50% of the grade. I came in 3rd in class for Chemistry, but apparently, that is nothing to feel happy about.
My relatives soon come to my house and my cousin comes up to my Dad and I to ask for some files that he had passed to my Dad during January. My Dad apparently had the files inside a hard drive that he had given to me as a present, but I had formatted the hard drive. I formatted it before looking at the contents and my Dad said that he had actually told me to not delete anything but I don't recall him saying anything about this. Naturally, my Dad puts all the blame on me and berates me further, calling me self-centred, selfish and inconsiderate. I mean, he knows that I'am a forgetful person, and the only copy of the files was on my hard disk that was a present.
I guess he may be right for calling me all the names, but really, there's nothing I can do about it. He tries to teach me all these lessons on morals and whatnot, but he's such a hypocrite. Sure, he's so successful that he can retire at the age of 46, but he chose to open a free-clinic to help the less fortunate, that surely makes him a great person. But to me, he isn't. He spends so much more time on his work and interacting with his colleagues and doing more voluntary work. When he has spare time, he likes to torrent movies that we sometimes watch together. Speaking of his torrenting habits, he has about 3TB worth of hard drive space, which leads me to think why did he not make any copies of the files that my cousin passed to him that is only around 2GBs?
Since his spare time is spent hunched in front of his computer, you would think that at least he's still there, in the house, ready to talk to me whenever. Wrong. Most of the time, when I ask him questions or just want to make conversation he will just give a curt grunt or mumble some indistinguishable words while still looking at the computer.
I'm not exactly sure what I'am supposed to make of my situation. I get what I want most of the time, because money really isn't a problem and I'm an only child. I'm usually left to my own devices at home too. It's just that he expects so much of me - excellent grades, strong moral values.
Of course, I'm not saying that I'am someone who lacks values, I'am one of rather strong values. Integrity, Respect when it's due, and Rationality. Don't do stupid shit that doesn't benefit you, or anyone over the long term. I understand that most parents are like mine, but it just feels nice to express myself to the only honest group of people willing to listen.
 
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D05ej8u-gU
I find videos like these comforting for some reason.
Neil deGrasse Tyson is my hero.
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Maybe you're right, and maybe you are wrong. Parents usually discipline their children in the most effective and honorable way they know. It can be that you perceive your dad as being a bit too hard on your for not achieving the best results, and that may well just be the case. If things are gettign too tough for you, the ball is in your court which means that you will need to speak to your dad and tell him how you feel. Approach him when he is not in front of the computer, such as in the morning when getting ready for work. He should understand your point of view, and then surely enough go easier on you. Unfortunately I cannot really relate to your situation, as my parents have never pressured me on getting achievements, although I think they don't do that because I do the work that I have to and they are content with that. Until last year I have been top in my class, but since this year I have not been doing too well. My parents do pressure me now to be top in the class, luckily, but they definitely advise me to study harder. All in all, I just think that you should talk to your dad about these things and ask him to understand that you are forgetful and so on. That should be able to solve your problem. You are lucky though, because you have a dad who actually watches torrents with you and such. My dad doesn't even take interest in computers, other than ensuring that I have all the components and network capabilities that I need. So take some consolation in that.
P.S. "I am" is just spelled that way, and not as "I'am" :D
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Of course no one can pass judgement on you without having been in your shoes. But at the same time, I'd assume all he wants for you is to be successful, and the way to that for kids is grades. Say what you will about school systems being fucked if you want but at the end of the day, there's no other validation besides grades, other then any side projects you choose to do (but in high school, it's not as common). I mean imagine it from a parents view, when their child isn't getting top marks and they hear about the economy turning to shit and etc etc etc. For parent's it's marks->college->job. It must be a worrying thought, especially when parent's tend to think highly of what you can accomplish (e.g. they believe you're capable of getting top marks) and they're afraid of you wasting your talent. I mean, do you think your dad honestly enjoys nagging you about grades? If he really cares so little, I'd imagine he wouldn't even take the time to give you these lectures you hate so much. It's just him trying to convey lessons he wants you to have, because he wants the best for you. Of course I'm making a lot of assumptions but just consider it.
And while I think this is a blog to vent, which is a good thing to do if you're really so frustrated, I'd try and work out your differences so you could enjoy your time more with your dad. As someone whose dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer and passed away a year later, all I can do now is regret not spending more time with him. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I was also frustrated when my dad took time out of his day to lecture me about morals that seemed so abstract to me, and when he'd go on about not getting the top marks. I had decent marks, not Ivy like all my friends but state university. I'd even enjoy day's he spent more time at work because I would play more games then. Now all I can do is look at my past self in horror. I was so spoiled and now there's no way for me to ever get this time back. So basically the message I'm trying to say is to take the time you have with people around you as a blessing, because thing's can change permanently, and there are mistakes you can make that you can never really fix. Don't let your relationship with your dad be one of them. As someone in highschool recently, I'll be the first to say a permanent change was kind of unfathomable, because at least for me at that age nothing was too permanent. EDIT: Even when he was diagnosed with a late stage brain tumor, I never imagined he would die. He was my dad and I expected him, however irrational it was, to just get better, even as I could see the number of medicines he took add up, the doctors often visits increase, and even as he lost basic motor abilities. I honestly never imagined what I would do if he ever died because I never believed it could happen, ignoring everything doctors were saying. Just trying to add on how hard it was for me believe in any permanent change, since I figured I'd just go allout with my life as I went so far...I honestly hope no one can imagine what it's like the day someone they love passes away, but at the same time I think this leads people to waste some of what they're given.
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I've spent months in Singapore for work, and I haven't met yet anyone writing English as well as you there.
And I work as a consultant for Fortune 500 companies, so it's not like I was only hanging with morons there.
edit : now that I think of it, you should come to live in Europe, you don't seem to fit in well in Singapore.
And you wouldn't have to take all that unfair bullshit from your dad.
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I think both sides have points here.
One, if he gave you the HD, then he was at fault for not removing or copying the files. He can't expect the files to be kept.
Two, I don't know how the grade system works, but perhaps you could have done better, or you couldn't, or he is right, or you are right, or he is wrong, and you are wrong, or a mix, or ... to be honest, this isn't something I think anyone can comment on without knowing you really well (as in: what you can actually achieve, compared to what you achieved).
Three, when people aren't spending time together, most often it's both peoples fault. But I don't know enough about either of you to judge whether or not it's the case in this scenario.
Have you considered asking him for a fixed time slot, for example, 7 to 8:30 monday and thursday, to help with your homework / studying?
It's something that could be done that would probably help you improve your studying, and if he says no ... well, you reached out for help, right? That's your part ...
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On March 07 2012 20:03 Azera wrote:
Well, the first term of school this year is going to end on Friday. I have already gotten back my results/report card and have shown them to my Dad. I did pretty average I guess, but I topped the class in English - scoring 3rd in the level for the subject. My Math and Chinese certainly was not up to par, but it was the average grade.
My Dad wasn't happy about my results at all anyway. On my English scores, he said that I was only average at best, and everybody else was just terrible. I can't even begin to conceive whether this was meant to be a praise or not.
Then, there is my Chemistry marks. Some of you may remember the Science project that I had to complete on my own, some of you, or rather most of you probably don't. Anyway, I scored the highest in class for that project and was only above average for a test that consisted of 50% of the grade. I came in 3rd in class for Chemistry, but apparently, that is nothing to feel happy about.
My relatives soon come to my house and my cousin comes up to my Dad and I to ask for some files that he had passed to my Dad during January. My Dad apparently had the files inside a hard drive that he had given to me as a present, but I had formatted the hard drive. I formatted it before looking at the contents and my Dad said that he had actually told me to not delete anything but I don't recall him saying anything about this. Naturally, my Dad puts all the blame on me and berates me further, calling me self-centred, selfish and inconsiderate. I mean, he knows that I'am a forgetful person, and the only copy of the files was on my hard disk that was a present.
I guess he may be right for calling me all the names, but really, there's nothing I can do about it. He tries to teach me all these lessons on morals and whatnot, but he's such a hypocrite. Sure, he's so successful that he can retire at the age of 46, but he chose to open a free-clinic to help the less fortunate, that surely makes him a great person. But to me, he isn't. He spends so much more time on his work and interacting with his colleagues and doing more voluntary work. When he has spare time, he likes to torrent movies that we sometimes watch together. Speaking of his torrenting habits, he has about 3TB worth of hard drive space, which leads me to think why did he not make any copies of the files that my cousin passed to him that is only around 2GBs?
Since his spare time is spent hunched in front of his computer, you would think that at least he's still there, in the house, ready to talk to me whenever. Wrong. Most of the time, when I ask him questions or just want to make conversation he will just give a curt grunt or mumble some indistinguishable words while still looking at the computer.
I'm not exactly sure what I'am supposed to make of my situation. I get what I want most of the time, because money really isn't a problem and I'm an only child. I'm usually left to my own devices at home too. It's just that he expects so much of me - excellent grades, strong moral values.
Of course, I'm not saying that I'am someone who lacks values, I'am one of rather strong values. Integrity, Respect when it's due, and Rationality. Don't do stupid shit that doesn't benefit you, or anyone over the long term. I understand that most parents are like mine, but it just feels nice to express myself to the only honest group of people willing to listen.
I feel you bro. Asian families are like that. Asian mentality of grades = If you're not first you're last. Dad's aren't expected to be family oriented and they feel that they're only job is to bring dough home, so its normal. Most of the time there's really nothing you can do except connect to your parents in the only ways you know how, because its especially difficult to have heart to heart talks in our culture due to the fact that parents will always see their children, as children.
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Seeing the title, I thought you were describing an awkward(about sexual stuff) conversation you had with your dad then thanking him for his "advice" in the end.
Reminded of American Pie movies, Jim and his dad conversations, lol.
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One thing my mom make me learn in the hard way was: "Ok, after a certain age, we ar still parents, i still love you, but most of the time, i ll treat you like every1 other single person, and i want you do the same" - Idk if its right or not, hurt me a lot the in the time, but now, i dont really care anymore, i ll never do it with my sons, but it make me realize that i dont really need her aproval for sh1t. You know if you sh1t yourself you ll need to clean it yourself, and only you hard work can do something for you (every field games - work - school).
What you daddy think? whatever, just you know what is going on, and you need to realize that you ar a person also, stop looking for sh1t aproval, look for yourself, try to the best for you. At your parameters.
Gl
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You're not the only one. I used to get 2-hour weekly lecture sessions on how 1) I need to focus on my school work 2) I need to plan out my future 3) family values are important 4) don't do sex and drugs 5) don't smoke 6) don't hang around with dumb people 7) you must be a leader in whatever you do 8) you must be the pride of the family 9) your parents (himself and my mother) work so hard to provide better education for you 10) your sister and your cousins will follow your example 11) gaming is the root of all evil so stop gaming 12) get off the dam computer and spend more time exercising 13) and so on and so on and so on.
For the most part, I knew he meant the best for me and I saw that he had good reasons to say what he said. I began to understand him more and more in my university years. I'm 22 now and although I still don't agree with some of his beliefs, it's safe to say that I respect and appreciate my dad more than I ever did in my high school years.
It comes with age and experience. I don't think you'll understand him no matter how hard you try right now. The best you can do now is to do better in school (I know how redundant that sounds). 3rd isn't bad, but how about 2nd or 1st? =P
Also, it helps if you prepare some sort of a proper speech about your future direction so that your dad believes that you have a pretty good idea of where you want to be in the future. Prepare and rehearse it in your mind, so that the next time your dad starts pulling out "so what exactly do you want to do in the future with these mediocre marks" card, you show him that you're not as thoughtless and lost as he thinks. Make sure to include some sort of leadership role in your future image. You probably want to say stuff like university, honours, co-op / real-world experience, making valuable connections with professors and industry leaders, looking for higher level education through scholarships, looking at the job market from a global perspective, being a contributive memberleader of the global society, etc.
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that's his way of worrying about you
i might try to say thanks in that situation
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I for one remember your crazy science project you had to do earlier.
With regards to your dad, that's just generally how Asian parents are: expecting you to be the best, always have to work hard, get good grades, be the best at everything, good morals, etc.
What I've come to realize is that parents have an odd way of showing 'love' and 'care' for their children. Throughout my childhood, my dad would go to work, go home, watch TV, and leave my siblings and I to our own devices. It wasn't until much later in life that he would actually talk to me about my life choices such as my career and stuff. I initially thought "Why are you talking to me now?" but I don't think my dad could connect with me at a young age.
Parents often nag or complain about how you're doing as a way of showing that they care. I've heard it said that if your parents didn't care for you anymore, then they would just ignore you or pretend you didn't exist. By actually looking at your grades and caring about how you're doing in school, he's trying to look out for your future. It's a really weird way of thinking but that's how the older generation thinks. My mom keeps nagging/yelling at me for having a messy room = she actually cares enough to expend the energy to tell. It's a very 'the glass is half full' way of thinking, but it gives me comfort understanding it.
Oftentimes, parents resort to how they were raised as the way they raise their children. Look at how your grandfather raised your dad and you'll probably see deeper into your own relationship with him. Your grandfather probably wasn't very satisfied with his grades either. His thinking would be, "Look at me, I didn't turn out so bad. Why change it (parenting style), if its not broken." Maybe when you have kids, you can break the cycle.
As you grow older, I think that you'll have more understanding of your dad more. As a new father myself, I've come to appreciate everything my father has done for me and more forgiving on his "mistakes".
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I read this entry expecting the writer to be grateful for all the good things his father has done for him and instead I find someone who seems to think he deserves more recognition for his marks (which by his own admission are only average), blames his father for his own mistake, and bemoans that his father will not sit down and have a tea party with him.
You are the cause of your problems, not your father. Fathers aren't there to give emotional support, they are there to give a strong example in how to live life, and it seems like your father has done more than his share of fatherhood. If you want his attention, you have to earn it.
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Wow, this thread is a great example of the differences in mentality between Asia culture and Wester culture.
In a typical subruban middle class non asian American family getting a report card like that would probably result in you getting money, getting taken out to dinner, or at the very least very happy parents. I can't think of my parents or any of the parents of my non-asian friends not being very happy/proud that their kid got the highest score in the class on a project.
There was an interesting editorial in the WSJ link about asian parents and the author's opinion that this style of harsh parenting is better. Got some really harsh reactions from people from asian families, pretty interesting IMO (I want to say there was a TL thread but I can't find it now...)
IMO, I have no idea how you could deal with that type of an environment. Perosnally, if I lived in Korea or Japan where the academic systems are so tough and rigid, I'd probably end up dropping out and working as a street sweeper. I never had the attention span for academics, I've always just relied on my own raw intelligence and good memory to coast my way through. Given how I just squeeked by in college I'm sure I would have failed completely in an Asian university. (I can understand why so many asians come here to go to college lol)
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EPT
