EPTAlso it's pretty long.
So.
About today.
My parents live in Germany. I live in Florida. My grandparents live in Florida (about 30 minutes away). My parents want to get my grandparents gift certificates to 2 good restaurants in the area (one Greek and the other Polish). So I take 436 and I'm on it for about 30 minutes, turn onto 434 and turn into the restaurant parking lot. I buy a $30 gift card and promptly leave. I then sit in my car, open my iPod and check the map (it's not an iPhone, so the only part of the map that it can display is the part I loaded when I had an internet connection). I mentally acknowledge the route, and star the car.
So I'm heading down 434 again, pass the exit onto i4 east and continue down 434 until I can find highway 17/92. There's a lot of traffic and I've never been down this road before. Suddenly I realize that I'm in the right-most left turn only lane, and the roads are too congested for me to get over. "Okay," I think, "I'll just get on i4 and take the first exit and turn around. No problem at all." Naturally, the first exit is 15 minutes down the road (traveling at about 70 mph, so about 17 miles down i4). Finally, I find an exit and turn off, I turn a ways down another road before I realize I'm headed in the wrong direction, turn around again, and try to retrace my steps.
I should mention at this point that I moved here from Tallahassee about 2 months ago, so I am not familiar with any of these areas at all.
Anyway, after about 20 minutes, I find i4 again. I don't see my city (or Orlando, the city directly adjacent) on any of the exit signs. "Surely Orlando would be on the sign," I think. "I mean, it's fuckin' Orlando." So I keep driving.
And I keep driving.
And I keep driving.
Until I finally get to a point where I think, "okay I have DEFINITELY passed my exit." I'm in some fuckin' boondoggles in the middle of fuckin' nowhere now. I have no idea where I am and don't recognize the names of any cities, much less the streets. But I DO have my trusty iPod! With google maps! But again, it's an iPod. Not an iPhone. So I need WiFi.
So I start looking around for a Starbucks or McDonald's or anything with WiFi. I'm going to go ahead and cut out the details of this particular portion and just say: I didn't find a fuckin' thing. There was a McDonald's but it wanted me to pay like $3 for an hour of internet. At first I refused, but after finding no other source of internet, I begrudgingly returned to the greasehouse (that's McDonald's) and promptly entered my debit card information so that I could get ripped off for what would end up being like 3 minutes of internet.
There is a server error.
No internet here.
Awesome.
So I look over the map some more. It basically maps out the last 20% of my trip, so I start looking for some clues, but can't find a damn thing. All I know is that I need to be going pretty much directly south.
So I drive around for a while longer until I find a gas station. I stop to see if there is WiFi. There is not. So I basically just sit there for a while, trying to figure out what to do. I look at the map for a while longer, trying to look for any streets I'd seen around that area. Finally I walk into the gas station's store and ask the guy for directions. He doesn't fuckin' know where to go. Useless bastard.
So I get ready to leave when a Thought occurs to me: I know I need to be going south, but that doesn't help because I don't know what direction I'm headed.
So I buy one of those cheap ass plastic compasses.
And I head South.
I finally get to a street that I recognize from the map and FINALLY find 17/92. Of course I'm about 15 miles more north than I want to be, but at least I'm on the right road now. So I start looking for this Polish Restaurant, which is supposed to be right on 17/92, and the best part is that it's already marked on my map. So I go there. I see nothing. I keep looking. I still see nothing. I turn into the street that seems to be the only place left that the restaurant could be. I do remember that the building number is 750, but the building numbers progress in the most ridiculous, retarded, and nonsensical way possible. Building 701 is directly to my right. Then building 705 for some reason. Like they just skipped a couple or something. So I turn right. Suddenly the building numbers have jumped to 735. The building numbers to my left have started. They start at 700. I take an immediate right. Suddenly the building numbers have magically jumped to 748. I'm almost there! One more! Then I take another left (same building, different side), and suddenly the numbers are 700. I don't know who the fuck numbered these buildings but I'm guessing he didn't do too well in preschool math.
So I drive around for another 40 fuckin' minutes. Keep going up and down all the streets in that area around building number 748 but can't find shit. So I find another mcdonald's, and this time, it actually has WiFi. I am saved! So I look up the address of the place again. It tells me to go where I JUST fuckin' was. So I'm starting to think the fucking place doesn't exist. After about an hour, I just give up and start heading south on 17-92 (toward home). At this point, I'm pretty frustrated. I have pretty much ceased to care about anything. Then I see it. Right there, on my right.
The restaurant. It was a magnificent sight. Though I was a bit pissed that I found it after wasting all my time looking for it and then giving up, I was much happier to have actually found it. So I get the gift certificate, and all seems well. But, curious, I stop and ask what the address is, since I was looking up and down N Highway Rd (the address that was given to me) and rechecked there multiple times. He replies, "S Highway Rd."
"Oh. Okay well thanks." I say it calmly, but..
inside I'm screaming.
It's 5:30pm now. I woke up at 1 in the morning (my sleep schedule is all bassackwards).
I am exhausted.
It took me 6 hours. But I did it.
I now have 2 $30 gift cards that someone else will use.
That fuckin' restaurant's food had better be exquisite.
Good stuff.
