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Ok, so right now I am staying in an apartment that I will be sharing with my friend for the upcoming school year. For the month of August my roommate's friend will be living with me, as my roommate will be out of the country for a month, and he offered his friend to stay with me. My roommate's friend happens to be gay.
Personally I have nothing against gay people, although as a straight male I cannot help but feel uncomfortable being around him sometimes. I was reluctant at first when my roommate asked if his friend could stay with me, but for the first few days that his friend has stayed with me i feel like i would have no real qualms about him living with me, as we rarely see each other anyways. Until a couple of days ago however when he asked if his friend could sleep over at my place, to which i agreed to. I had expected the friend to only stay over for one night, but it has now been 4 days now that his friend has been sleeping over at my place, and he has been sleeping in the same bed as my roommate's friend, when there is a much comfier sofa bed in the living room for him to sleep on instead.
I have a very good feeling that the friend is his boyfriend, although i am not 100% sure, more like 90%, as they do spend pretty much 24/7 with each other. My real roommate also has no idea that his friend has another friend sleeping on his bed every night, when they are supposed to be close friends. I really am not feeling comfortable with the two of them sleeping in the same bed every night, and the fact that the friend has been over for so many nights already, as this is not what i signed up for when i agreed to have him live with me for a month.
I want to confront my roommate's friend to find out if his friend is really gay, and why they have been sleeping together for so many nights, but I do not know how to do it without coming off looking rude, even though it is my place and i deserve to know what is happening under my roof. Any ideas?
 
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You could try kissing him, if he says "NO i have a boyfriend" then you know for sure.
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Osaka27174 Posts
even though it is my place and i deserve to know what is happening under my roof.
End of story. Just tell the guy that having a third person live with you is not acceptable. One night is fine, anything more is not. It isn't rude, it is your home. The gay dude should understand the place is being rented for two people not three. Even if the third person was paying rent (I assume he isn't and the gay guy is) that is not what you want for your living situation.
This doesn't have to be confrontational, just talk to him.
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Just talk to him. Don't raise your voice. Don't look uncomfortable/irritated. It'll be easier to do it now than later.
Talk, talk, talk! I expect to hear the results soon 
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i just hope you would do the same if he brought over a girl every night, otherwise its pretty homophobic and stupid, despite the fact that its your right. honestly to me your excuse for it being your house sounds a lot like what fathers say about their daughter bringing home a dude, a facade to cover up for the fact that he just flat out disapproves.
edit: i wouldnt really bring that up to anyone who has your problem, its just that you mentioned feeling uncomfortable around him, which is kinda unfair to people that are gay TBH, and i just dont want this subconscious feeling of yours to be the reason you're concerned. if it's because he's essentially getting free room, then yea thats fine... not an issue at all.
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On August 07 2010 20:59 kyarisan wrote:
i just hope you would do the same if he brought over a girl every night, otherwise its pretty homophobic and stupid, despite the fact that its your right. honestly to me your excuse for it being your house sounds a lot like what fathers say about their daughter bringing home a dude, a facade to cover up for the fact that he just flat out disapproves.
except for in both cases it is an acceptable arguement. You may not agree with it, but IT IS HIS PLACE end of story.
A kkk member could have 10 black guys over for a party (yeah I know this is the worst analogy ever) and he could kick all of them out because it's his place. Who is anyone to argue with his own rules in his own living space?
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i would just show him this post
he will then understand exactly how you feel
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see, he specifically said that he wanted to not come off as sounding rude, if the issue stems from the free ride he thinks the roomate's friend's "friend" is getting, then yeah that's not rude at all, but if its because he's gay, yes it's rude, whether the place is under his authority or not.
edit: fixed
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On August 07 2010 20:59 kyarisan wrote:
i just hope you would do the same if he brought over a girl every night, otherwise its pretty homophobic and stupid, despite the fact that its your right. honestly to me your excuse for it being your house sounds a lot like what fathers say about their daughter bringing home a dude, a facade to cover up for the fact that he just flat out disapproves.
edit: i wouldnt really bring that up to anyone who has your problem, its just that you mentioned feeling uncomfortable around him, which is kinda unfair to people that are gay TBH, and i just dont want this subconscious feeling of yours to be the reason you're concerned. if it's because he's essentially getting free room, then yea thats fine... not an issue at all.
I know what you're trying to say, and I do know that I am coming off a bit homophobic, but the fact is I barely know the guy, and having one near stranger, and a complete stranger sleeping together in the same home is quite uncomfortable. I would feel the same way if he was bringing a girl home every night instead, as he is not paying any rent at all, and I feel like he is abusing his hospitality by treating the place as though it was his own.
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yeah i agree with you totally there, don't let yourself get stepped on man. just tell him how ya feel.
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United States16368 Posts
this is not about being gay at all (I guess you might welcome it if they were lesbians and invited you to watch, but that's o/t)
Just talk to your room-mate, and say this is unacceptable. If you read your contract, it might even be in there.
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"...i deserve to know what is happening under my roof."
Be careful of how you word this. To me it sounds like you're more concerned that they're sleeping together. Not liking the fact that someone else is staying in your house is completely fair enough, but having issue only because they're gay, or whatever, isn't cool. I know this isn't what you mean to say, but just be careful that it doesn't come across that way.
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Osaka27174 Posts
O jesus, the guy isn't even paying rent? Then that is fucking weak and I would boot him.
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haha i have one right now. its been a nightmare, but hes finally moving out soon. gl with yours.
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On August 07 2010 22:00 OneFierceZealot wrote:
haha i have one right now. its been a nightmare, but hes finally moving out soon. gl with yours.
Ummm... wut? Bit harsh? What has he done wrong?
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Now ask yourself the question: what would you do if it was a girlfriend? You wouldn't feel unconfortable, you would just go to your flatemate and say "look your friend is not paying the rent, so I would prefer not to see her 24/7.
In an other hand, you called the thread "gay flatemate". Would you have called the thread "straight flatemate" if it had been a gf?
That's pretty common, and it's called homophobia.
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On August 07 2010 22:00 OneFierceZealot wrote:
haha i have one right now. its been a nightmare, but hes finally moving out soon. gl with yours.
I may be the only one, but I find the way you talk about people really shocking.
I have a gay flatemate. And then? He does whatever he wants with his sexual life, that's none of my business. OP said he "wanted to know what happened under his roof". And if your flatemate disapprove oral sex, would he have the right to ask you what you do at night with your gf? You would tell him that it's none of his business, and you would be right.
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I think a lot of straight people seem to have this strange fear that all gay men are hellbent on having sex with THEM and will rape them in their sleep. What he does sexually doesn't affect you or anything other than his own sex life so I don't see how it would apply.
I'd be much more concerned with the fact that he isn't paying rent.
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just say you dont mind him over now and then, but not every day. that's not rude and you dont come off like a homophobe
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On August 07 2010 22:28 DoctorHelvetica wrote:
I think a lot of straight people seem to have this strange fear that all gay men are hellbent on having sex with THEM and will rape them in their sleep. What he does sexually doesn't affect you or anything other than his own sex life so I don't see how it would apply.
I'd be much more concerned with the fact that he isn't paying rent.
Yeps, that's two distinct questions. The title of the thread wouldn't be the same if it was really about the rent. And it wouldn't be a big deal.
People are scared and unconfortable with gays because it confronts them with their own repressed homosexuality. Which is absolutely normal: human fundamental bisexuality has been discovered more than a hundred years ago.
It explains also why in ancient Greece, where there were no taboo about it, everybody was bisexual.
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On August 07 2010 22:28 DoctorHelvetica wrote:
I think a lot of straight people seem to have this strange fear that all gay men are hellbent on having sex with THEM and will rape them in their sleep. What he does sexually doesn't affect you or anything other than his own sex life so I don't see how it would apply.
I'd be much more concerned with the fact that he isn't paying rent.
It's not really about them having sex (well, maybe a bit since he's concerned about his friend's "bed") it's more that the guy who's his friend's friend that he doesn't know and is brining a second stranger into his house. I'd just tell him that you didn't know the guy was bringing another person to stay for the whole month or w/e, you're probably gonna come out as rude to them however you phrase it so just be blunt.
But it shouldn't matter if he's gay or not for you to kick the second guy out, though I can see why you'd be curious.
Even if he did pay rent, if someone's my roommate and he shared rent with me, he still wouldn't bring another person to live with us without at least talking to me first or playing it off as if it were a 1 day thing. If he did that'd be extremely rude and more importantly we'd have to renegotiate how the rent is split, so it's even worse for someone living with you as a favor.
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On August 07 2010 22:21 Duckvillelol wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 22:00 OneFierceZealot wrote:
haha i have one right now. its been a nightmare, but hes finally moving out soon. gl with yours. Ummm... wut? Bit harsh? What has he done wrong?
i have constantly told him that he is not to bring friends over night. this is my place i own with my sister and i dont want him having loud gay sex, which forces me to sleep downstairs. plus hes always drunk. in fact i let him be my roommate in the first place cause he was low on cash and we have cheap rent so i was being nice. now its time to move on.
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Ok, you dont want an extra stranger in your house... But from your post it seems you're more concerned about them sleeping together, defiling your friends bed... Why would you confront him about if the friend is really gay? Does that make a difference?
Sure you can and should kick him out if this makes you annoyed, but you do come across as a sexually insecure douche
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On August 07 2010 20:39 Barfboy wrote:
I have a very good feeling that the friend is his boyfriend, although i am not 100% sure, more like 90%, as they do spend pretty much 24/7 with each other. My real roommate also has no idea that his friend has another friend sleeping on his bed every night, when they are supposed to be close friends. I really am not feeling comfortable with the two of them sleeping in the same bed every night, and the fact that the friend has been over for so many nights already, as this is not what i signed up for when i agreed to have him live with me for a month.
WTF, this is just homophobic. Once you agree that he can stay it really is none of your business if they sleep together. Of course it's your place and you're free to ask him not to bring his friend over. Just stop deluding yourself about having nothing against gay people.
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On August 07 2010 22:59 hypercube wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 20:39 Barfboy wrote:
I have a very good feeling that the friend is his boyfriend, although i am not 100% sure, more like 90%, as they do spend pretty much 24/7 with each other. My real roommate also has no idea that his friend has another friend sleeping on his bed every night, when they are supposed to be close friends. I really am not feeling comfortable with the two of them sleeping in the same bed every night, and the fact that the friend has been over for so many nights already, as this is not what i signed up for when i agreed to have him live with me for a month. WTF, this is just homophobic. Once you agree that he can stay it really is none of your business if they sleep together. Of course it's your place and you're free to ask him not to bring his friend over. Just stop deluding yourself about having nothing against gay people.
Yeah agreed. You're definitely a little homophobic OP. However ultimately it's your place and your friends friend shouldn't blatantly take advantage of your good nature by having his partner/friend stay for more than 1 night without asking you.
If they were being noisy while having sex - that would be one thing. But simply disapproving of them being in the same bed suggests a fairly high level of discomfort that I would class as homophobia. Note that doesn't mean I'm accusing you of hating gays, but rather that you feel uncomfortable around them or with the idea that men put their penises inside each other.
Good luck with your problem - I'd just be straight and honest with the guy (pun only semi-accidental).
+ Show Spoiler +On August 07 2010 22:39 Biff The Understudy wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 22:28 DoctorHelvetica wrote:
I think a lot of straight people seem to have this strange fear that all gay men are hellbent on having sex with THEM and will rape them in their sleep. What he does sexually doesn't affect you or anything other than his own sex life so I don't see how it would apply.
I'd be much more concerned with the fact that he isn't paying rent. Yeps, that's two distinct questions. The title of the thread wouldn't be the same if it was really about the rent. And it wouldn't be a big deal. People are scared and unconfortable with gays because it confronts them with their own repressed homosexuality. Which is absolutely normal: human fundamental bisexuality has been discovered more than a hundred years ago. It explains also why in ancient Greece, where there were no taboo about it, everybody was bisexual.
Actually that's a pretty big claim. I don't think there is universal agreement that humanity is bi-sexual. I'd be tempted to ask what you read that gives you this notion but it's not even a question of sources because many people don't agree with this.
Also the claim that everybody was bisexual in ancient greece I find to be inconsistent with my own reading and study of history.
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Whether or not he's gay, you have every right to make him leave. Even if you said "hey I'm uncomfortable with your friend sleeping in your bed" they still have to respect your wishes, because it's your house. Your reason could be "I just don't like him" and they would still have to listen to you.
I don't think the world is yet at a level where you're expected to be completely comfortable with gay people, so I wouldn't worry about it. It's headed in that direction, though.
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On August 07 2010 22:45 OneFierceZealot wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 22:21 Duckvillelol wrote:On August 07 2010 22:00 OneFierceZealot wrote:
haha i have one right now. its been a nightmare, but hes finally moving out soon. gl with yours. Ummm... wut? Bit harsh? What has he done wrong? i have constantly told him that he is not to bring friends over night. this is my place i own with my sister and i dont want him having loud gay sex, which forces me to sleep downstairs. plus hes always drunk. in fact i let him be my roommate in the first place cause he was low on cash and we have cheap rent so i was being nice. now its time to move on.
Please define how "Loud gay sex" is in any way worse than "Loud straight sex". Are you tone deaf?
I understand the point the OP is making regarding having someone in the house who ISN'T paying rent yet is staying at the house more than a few nights, but seriously this tone from you OFZ is incredibly homophobic, wheather you realise it or not.
Just for clarity's sake - if your friend was straight, and was bringing home incredibly hot chicks, is that ok?
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On August 07 2010 22:59 hypercube wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 20:39 Barfboy wrote:
I have a very good feeling that the friend is his boyfriend, although i am not 100% sure, more like 90%, as they do spend pretty much 24/7 with each other. My real roommate also has no idea that his friend has another friend sleeping on his bed every night, when they are supposed to be close friends. I really am not feeling comfortable with the two of them sleeping in the same bed every night, and the fact that the friend has been over for so many nights already, as this is not what i signed up for when i agreed to have him live with me for a month. WTF, this is just homophobic. Once you agree that he can stay it really is none of your business if they sleep together. Of course it's your place and you're free to ask him not to bring his friend over. Just stop deluding yourself about having nothing against gay people.
To those who say i am a homophobe, i will admit that i do have homophobic tendencies, which is the sad truth, as i was raised that way by my father who is an extreme homophobe, so maybe i did get a bit carried away in my post. The reason i named the thread the way it is, is because the main problem i have is trying to confront him without sounding like i only want the friend out because i do not approve of homosexuality, because I do have a tendency to go overboard and say something out of line.
I do not like being deceived, although i guess it is my fault for not realizing until yesterday that the friend had been staying longer than i had thought, as I always get home when they are both asleep, so i have no idea if someone was in the room with my roommate.
Furthermore, I also do not like him not telling my real roommate that he has a friend using his bed as well, because he had only assumed that one person would be using that bed.
I guess I am just going to have to talk to him later about it, and I am sorry if i came out as a homophobe, because it was not my intention.
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Calgary26003 Posts
The theme of this blog should be there is a person living in your house for free.
Yet somehow it focuses on him being gay. I don't get it.
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On August 07 2010 23:26 Duckvillelol wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 22:45 OneFierceZealot wrote:On August 07 2010 22:21 Duckvillelol wrote:On August 07 2010 22:00 OneFierceZealot wrote:
haha i have one right now. its been a nightmare, but hes finally moving out soon. gl with yours. Ummm... wut? Bit harsh? What has he done wrong? i have constantly told him that he is not to bring friends over night. this is my place i own with my sister and i dont want him having loud gay sex, which forces me to sleep downstairs. plus hes always drunk. in fact i let him be my roommate in the first place cause he was low on cash and we have cheap rent so i was being nice. now its time to move on. Please define how "Loud gay sex" is in any way worse than "Loud straight sex". Are you tone deaf? I understand the point the OP is making regarding having someone in the house who ISN'T paying rent yet is staying at the house more than a few nights, but seriously this tone from you OFZ is incredibly homophobic, wheather you realise it or not. Just for clarity's sake - if your friend was straight, and was bringing home incredibly hot chicks, is that ok? yeah. that would still be annoying as fuck. (gay or straight) i want to sleep.
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On August 07 2010 23:03 Subversive wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On August 07 2010 22:39 Biff The Understudy wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 22:28 DoctorHelvetica wrote:
I think a lot of straight people seem to have this strange fear that all gay men are hellbent on having sex with THEM and will rape them in their sleep. What he does sexually doesn't affect you or anything other than his own sex life so I don't see how it would apply.
I'd be much more concerned with the fact that he isn't paying rent. Yeps, that's two distinct questions. The title of the thread wouldn't be the same if it was really about the rent. And it wouldn't be a big deal. People are scared and unconfortable with gays because it confronts them with their own repressed homosexuality. Which is absolutely normal: human fundamental bisexuality has been discovered more than a hundred years ago. It explains also why in ancient Greece, where there were no taboo about it, everybody was bisexual. Actually that's a pretty big claim. I don't think there is universal agreement that humanity is bi-sexual. I'd be tempted to ask what you read that gives you this notion but it's not even a question of sources because many people don't agree with this. Also the claim that everybody was bisexual in ancient greece I find to be inconsistent with my own reading and study of history.
Everyones bisexual to an extent... I'd think pretty much everyone could enjoy getting a blowjob from a member of the same sex, wouldn't you agree? Even if they'd prefer something else a bit more.
Bisexual doesn't mean that sex makes zero difference, it just varies how much different people prefer one or the other.
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On August 07 2010 20:52 Manifesto7 wrote:
even though it is my place and i deserve to know what is happening under my roof.
End of story. Just tell the guy that having a third person live with you is not acceptable. One night is fine, anything more is not. It isn't rude, it is your home. The gay dude should understand the place is being rented for two people not three. Even if the third person was paying rent (I assume he isn't and the gay guy is) that is not what you want for your living situation.
This doesn't have to be confrontational, just talk to him.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANI
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On August 07 2010 23:46 JohannesH wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 23:03 Subversive wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On August 07 2010 22:39 Biff The Understudy wrote:Show nested quote +On August 07 2010 22:28 DoctorHelvetica wrote:
I think a lot of straight people seem to have this strange fear that all gay men are hellbent on having sex with THEM and will rape them in their sleep. What he does sexually doesn't affect you or anything other than his own sex life so I don't see how it would apply.
I'd be much more concerned with the fact that he isn't paying rent. Yeps, that's two distinct questions. The title of the thread wouldn't be the same if it was really about the rent. And it wouldn't be a big deal. People are scared and unconfortable with gays because it confronts them with their own repressed homosexuality. Which is absolutely normal: human fundamental bisexuality has been discovered more than a hundred years ago. It explains also why in ancient Greece, where there were no taboo about it, everybody was bisexual. Actually that's a pretty big claim. I don't think there is universal agreement that humanity is bi-sexual. I'd be tempted to ask what you read that gives you this notion but it's not even a question of sources because many people don't agree with this. Also the claim that everybody was bisexual in ancient greece I find to be inconsistent with my own reading and study of history. Everyones bisexual to an extent... I'd think pretty much everyone could enjoy getting a blowjob from a member of the same sex, wouldn't you agree? Even if they'd prefer something else a bit more. Bisexual doesn't mean that sex makes zero difference, it just varies how much different people prefer one or the other.
... based on what? a poll in san francisco? /// using your blowjob example... so your saying that you would enjoy getting a blow job from a dog? because i mean its pretty much the same thing. thats attractive to you? /// believe it or not there are people who are actually straight.
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On August 07 2010 23:29 Chill wrote:
The theme of this blog should be there is a person living in your house for free.
Yet somehow it focuses on him being gay. I don't get it.
Clearly there is a connection. You'd have to be gay to move into some random dude's apt for free. Right?
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Significant others squat all the time. Doesn't your lease mention something about squatters - no more than N consecutive nights for visitors, etc.
Trying to kick the bf out onto the couch is beyond legality (your lease doesn't care where visitors sleep), sounds like homophobia.
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Seems to be a bit of thought policing going on here... I think people have every right to be uncomfortable with something, as long as they don't then turn that into actions that infringe on the rights of others. And a friend's friend getting free board isn't a right.
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On August 08 2010 00:02 Balfazar wrote:
Seems to be a bit of thought policing going on here... I think people have every right to be uncomfortable with something, as long as they don't then turn that into actions that infringe on the rights of others. And a friend's friend getting free board isn't a right.
I don't really see the difference with someone saying he is unconfortable with black people and someone saying he's unconfortable with gays.
Everybody has the right to be a racist, but he won't get my sympathy. Same for homophobia.
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well anyways guys lets can the shit about the gay stuff
if it's your house and he's overstaying his welcome, tell him and kick him out. doesn't make a lick of difference if he's gay, black, jewish or a virgin
if you dont like gays, fine, that's how you feel. if you feel deep down that you dont want him around coz he's gay, well, it's your house. you can do whatever you want man
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Tell him about it, tell him everything you feel
Give him every reason to accept that you're for real
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I dont think your being a homophobe at all. I would feel the same way in that situation, or if it was a guy and a girl sleeping together in the same room as me. Especially for so long without paying any rent.
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Maybe people are missing the point that the gay guy is his roomates friend and said gay guy brought over another friend.
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I mean the tone is certainly not strictly homophobic. After coming out and admitting it, its hard to defend. But you all read into it that way yourselves. In his case I would not want to people sleeping in the bed either. Would you want people having sex in your bed without your knowing? He stated he was uncomfortable with it because his friend didnt know about it. give the dude a break.
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LOL.
A gay friend brings over another guy who sleeps with him 4 days in a row in the same bed?
I wonder if that other guy is gay, I wonder.
Get a clue?
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