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I'm going to tell you a lot of these advice here are awful. In fact, they're probably completely bunk because they don't really understand your actual situation which is fairly common among immigrant Asian families with only one bread winner especially if the family is poor. I'm going to take a fairly controversial view here and just flat out say, you're 19 and descendant of Asian immigrants and not at all in touch with the differences in privileges that your peers will get and that you get. Unfortunately, as much as you will want to run away from it, you will have to step up your responsibility game and suck it up compared to them. Eventually you'll realize that your dad does this because as your mom already said, he's the only one who is dealing with any sort of fiscal responsibility right now. If you think getting ranted at and bitched at is too much to deal with, you probably wont' be able to handle what he's going through. I tell you this because my mom is ten times worse than your dad. And I reacted a lot of the way you, yourself did.
However, now older, I know in many ways, it's because immigrant parents really don't know what the fuck they're doing most of the time but at the end of the day they still mean well. Because they will struggle and take a WHOLE LOT MORE SHIT than you do to put food on your table, a roof over your head and bail you out of your college bills (You're honestly not thinking straight if you really think your dad is going to expect you to pay him back. Think about it, wtf is he going to do with the money when he's gone besides leave it to you and your sis? He's just saying that cause he doesn't want to encourage you to be a hobo). <=Trust me on this.
My lasting advice to you is this. Yes, you're off to being an adult a lot earlier than most of your peers but you're going to have to suck it up and realize life isn't fair. But ten years from now, you're going to look back and realize that your character is going to built out of a lot tougher stuff than most because of it and you'll come out the better.
One more thing, honestly you can choose to think most of my post is bullshit or what not but at least consider this. Do NOT follow the more "Western themed" advice, it doesn't work because your household and experience doesn't follow that mold. There is an old Asian saying, "The first generation sacrifices, the second generation suffers, the third generation prospers." Ultimately, that is how your parents are going to think. They want you to do better than them, so your grandkids can have the life them and you don't. You can run away from this now but ultimately you'll going to have this realization too.
PS. Sorry if I come off sounding a little harsh here. I do sympathize a lot with you and am more than happy to listen to any pm's, etc you want to shoot my way.
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Yeah, your sister thinking this is ok is wrong. You should try asking her why she thinks that. Hopefully its not because she's being confused and mislead in a threatening way =\. But anyways when i meant respectful i meant like, talk to him in an understanding way and you know lay the common things out like, "Hey i know your bringing the dough to the house and helping me go through school financially and putting food on our table but.." then lay down your feelings in the matter and explain why u think this is destroying the family and what u plan on doing if things continue the way they are. At the very least let him know of his actions towards a 10 year old girl. That shit is cowardly and weak as fuck. But like u said, he's prolly gonna brush it off his shoulder and basically ignore it, but atleast u tried. Now you know that words wont save him, and most definetly not your sister.
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On July 13 2010 12:04 KissBlade wrote:
I'm going to tell you a lot of these advice here are awful. In fact, they're probably completely bunk because they don't really understand your actual situation which is fairly common among immigrant Asian families with only one bread winner especially if the family is poor. I'm going to take a fairly controversial view here and just flat out say, you're 19 and descendant of Asian immigrants and not at all in touch with the differences in privileges that your peers will get and that you get. Unfortunately, as much as you will want to run away from it, you will have to step up your responsibility game and suck it up compared to them. Eventually you'll realize that your dad does this because as your mom already said, he's the only one who is dealing with any sort of fiscal responsibility right now. If you think getting ranted at and bitched at is too much to deal with, you probably wont' be able to handle what he's going through. I tell you this because my mom is ten times worse than your dad. And I reacted a lot of the way you, yourself did.
However, now older, I know in many ways, it's because immigrant parents really don't know what the fuck they're doing most of the time but at the end of the day they still mean well. Because they will struggle and take a WHOLE LOT MORE SHIT than you do to put food on your table, a roof over your head and bail you out of your college bills (You're honestly not thinking straight if you really think your dad is going to expect you to pay him back. Think about it, wtf is he going to do with the money when he's gone besides leave it to you and your sis? He's just saying that cause he doesn't want to encourage you to be a hobo). <=Trust me on this.
My lasting advice to you is this. Yes, you're off to being an adult a lot earlier than most of your peers but you're going to have to suck it up and realize life isn't fair. But ten years from now, you're going to look back and realize that your character is going to built out of a lot tougher stuff than most because of it and you'll come out the better.
One more thing, honestly you can choose to think most of my post is bullshit or what not but at least consider this. Do NOT follow the more "Western themed" advice, it doesn't work because your household and experience doesn't follow that mold. There is an old Asian saying, "The first generation sacrifices, the second generation suffers, the third generation prospers." Ultimately, that is how your parents are going to think. They want you to do better than them, so your grandkids can have the life them and you don't. You can run away from this now but ultimately you'll going to have this realization too.
PS. Sorry if I come off sounding a little harsh here. I do sympathize a lot with you and am more than happy to listen to any pm's, etc you want to shoot my way.
wow those are some wise word. No I totally udnerstand you. In fact i do feel the same way, except i do act in rage because i often feel like his actions are unrational, and he's not incontrol of his own emotions when he constantly lectures me to be patient. And everytime i'd scream at him, he'd piss me off even more and say "If that's how you talk to your boss you'll get fired and go nowhere" And i'd get even more pissed because that totally makes no sense and he's nothing like my boss nor anything like that lol...
I went on a tangent, but regardless i do understand, and im just really grinding my times, and try my best to get my sister out of it too. And as for the
You're honestly not thinking straight if you really think your dad is going to expect you to pay him back. Think about it, wtf is he going to do with the money when he's gone besides leave it to you and your sis? He's just saying that cause he doesn't want to encourage you to be a hobo I think he does actuallly wants me to pay it back, he's talked to it with my mom on their after dinner walks, he would say like "i expect my son to pay me back but not necessarily 100%, just like 85-90% is good". Because he wants that money to pay for my sister's tuition, and ultimatly wants my sister to repay him back for his retirement.
But honestly though, i don't really care about the money i pay him back. Hell, i'd be gladly to pay him back if he could just keep his attitude down, and stop being unrational about little issues that doesn't even matter in the long run. Thats what i want, i don't care about college tuition $$$.
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You know, I get really frustrated with my parents. They do idiotic things, they say idiotic things, and generally just irritate me to no end.
But more and more, I realize that relatively, they're not that bad. They've never hit me, they've never insulted me (well, they have but not seriously), they've never threatened me or anything like that. We've never shouted at each other. It's just that we've grown to become different people with different viewpoints, and I just happen to think that mine's right.
Then, I go to school. My school's almost completely comprised of Asian students... and Jesus Christ. There are so many horror stories.
China and Chinese people (and I guess Asians in general) are really being caught in changing times. You've got the old, completely useless and backwards (to be blunt on this one) Confucian traditions on the one side and you've got massive fucking bitterness from the world wars and Communist period (and associated poverty, misery, etc.) on the other side. It just seems like they're disconnected from the 'real world'; or at least the one that exists here, now.
It's not that that makes it okay, but I have to believe that these kinds of feelings (if not these kinds of actions) are widespread among first-generation immigrants. There's no way that stories like the OP's are unique.
EDIT: I don't agree that you should put up with what he's doing because he's going through a lot of hardship for the family. Of course he is. They all are. That doesn't make it right. It doesn't matter of he means well deep down or not, because he's still deluded. Force him to take the red pill.
How about this: instead of calling child services, confront him yourself. First say that you appreciate all he's doing for the family, all the work he's doing, all that. But he cannot keep raging at you like this. Tell him that if he tries to calm down and treat you guys better everything will turn out better in the end. There is nothing that he can do to you that you cannot get through. This is not about Western or Asian, this is about right and wrong and you cannot back down on this.
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On July 13 2010 12:04 KissBlade wrote:
I'm going to tell you a lot of these advice here are awful. In fact, they're probably completely bunk because they don't really understand your actual situation which is fairly common among immigrant Asian families with only one bread winner especially if the family is poor. I'm going to take a fairly controversial view here and just flat out say, you're 19 and descendant of Asian immigrants and not at all in touch with the differences in privileges that your peers will get and that you get. Unfortunately, as much as you will want to run away from it, you will have to step up your responsibility game and suck it up compared to them. Eventually you'll realize that your dad does this because as your mom already said, he's the only one who is dealing with any sort of fiscal responsibility right now. If you think getting ranted at and bitched at is too much to deal with, you probably wont' be able to handle what he's going through. I tell you this because my mom is ten times worse than your dad. And I reacted a lot of the way you, yourself did.
However, now older, I know in many ways, it's because immigrant parents really don't know what the fuck they're doing most of the time but at the end of the day they still mean well. Because they will struggle and take a WHOLE LOT MORE SHIT than you do to put food on your table, a roof over your head and bail you out of your college bills (You're honestly not thinking straight if you really think your dad is going to expect you to pay him back. Think about it, wtf is he going to do with the money when he's gone besides leave it to you and your sis? He's just saying that cause he doesn't want to encourage you to be a hobo). <=Trust me on this.
My lasting advice to you is this. Yes, you're off to being an adult a lot earlier than most of your peers but you're going to have to suck it up and realize life isn't fair. But ten years from now, you're going to look back and realize that your character is going to built out of a lot tougher stuff than most because of it and you'll come out the better.
One more thing, honestly you can choose to think most of my post is bullshit or what not but at least consider this. Do NOT follow the more "Western themed" advice, it doesn't work because your household and experience doesn't follow that mold. There is an old Asian saying, "The first generation sacrifices, the second generation suffers, the third generation prospers." Ultimately, that is how your parents are going to think. They want you to do better than them, so your grandkids can have the life them and you don't. You can run away from this now but ultimately you'll going to have this realization too.
PS. Sorry if I come off sounding a little harsh here. I do sympathize a lot with you and am more than happy to listen to any pm's, etc you want to shoot my way.
That was a great post. All I have to dispute is on what level they still mean well. It's like they will say that they mean well, but in reality subconsciously care only for themselves.
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Another issue i think its important to bring up is that asian parents like to compare their kids with others. They always bring up how successful the other parent's kid is and make you feel how worthless you are. Lol. I've had talks with friends with a lot of 1st generation asian parents, and they say their parents all do this.
I think that's also another big issue that puts pressure on kids, they subconsciously expect american schools to be similar to chinese, where they put the kids with lowest test scores on one side and highest on the other in a single filed line.
But to be honest, that cultrue of comparing child's academic success and relate it to their worth as a person is total bullshit. in china they place SO MUCH importance in your class rank. Because chinese colleges don't have time to go over each applicant with carefulness and thought, they just pick the ones with the highest scores because the population is so pact.
my 2cents.
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He's not "rational" in any Western sense. Let's face it, he's pretty much probably still mired in backwards anachronistic thinking. But the thing is, I just want you to stick into your head, at the end of the day, he is still going to want you to do better than he did. In fact, if you ever want to just make good terms with him, just tell him straight up one day (And I know this will take a lot of balls cause it took me a LONG time before I ever said to my mom) "Look I know what you want is the best for me. And you want what's the best for my sister. Please if you think we fuck up next time, just let us know. There's no point being angry with it because I know your situation is hard but let us try to fix it."
If you can't say it that to him, just accept that he's going to be irrational. As you said, he's a smart guy and probably very capable if I assume correctly. He's in a hostile country where he has to take a lot of shit when he could've just stayed in China and made a ton of bucks. The way he sees it is, he came to this country and has to endure all of this for you and your family. He's not going to be rational. He's not even going to be happy anytime soon. The only thing you can do is do the best you can to PROVE to him that you're going to be able to do it. And trust me, the day you do that, the day you're going to make him a very happy man.
And every time no matter how much you get pissed at him, just remember that one thing. My mother scalded my hands till they got blistered as fuck when I was 6 and didn't tie my shoelaces fast enough. I know that if I needed money badly, she'll even sell the clothe on her own back for me. I guarantee you, your father feels the same about you because you're the same as me, the eldest son. But as dumb as it sounds, unfortunately it's like that quote, "With great power, comes great responsibility". Except, it 's all on you. =\
^^ Of course, they do it for themselves too. At the end of the day, the only thing they know about parental roles is that they have to make X sacrifices, work X hours, endure X for their kids. And honestly, in some ways, their pride is how their kids turn out. But I just want to say this. Picture all the dreams and goals you have for yourself. Picture all the things you know you like to do for fun, etc. If worst comes to worst, you and still just, hang out with some friend. Now swap to their view. They had those same things when they were young. And now it's replaced with holding up the family roof on their own to make sure they can provide for their kids to have those luxuries.
OP. more than anything, I can guarantee your father is just a very lonely worried individual. Let him know, he doesn't have to be alone on this.
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"Look I know what you want is the best for me. And you want what's the best for my sister. Please if you think we fuck up next time, just let us know. There's no point being angry with it because I know your situation is hard but let us try to fix it."
hahahaha, thats exactly what i tell my parents, "let me fix my own problems, you don't have to help me, infact i don't want your help"... But their counter argument is always "well look at your high school grades, they suck, especially your senior one". Lol they want me to study 15 horus a day during weekends. LITERALLY no joke, like a studying progamer. But i developped seniorities and didn't really study as much as they thought i did. So now they're worried about my college future for cuz they thought i studied so much and still got bad grades.
But there's no way i can go up to them and just say "Hey you know i didn't really try that hard in high school" they'll flip out knowing that i didn't study 15 hours a day LOLOLOL
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As for jumper's post, dude, you don't understand, my fantasy of leaving home and washing dishes and getting a bank loan for college appears everyday. I'd GLADLY do that than to stay at home. But when i do bring it up, they think i'm joking... and just say "haha you just say that, but you can't endure pain".
...Fucken bullshit, i endured you guys for 19 years, washing dishes will be a walk on a beach.
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On July 13 2010 12:36 YPang wrote:Show nested quote +"Look I know what you want is the best for me. And you want what's the best for my sister. Please if you think we fuck up next time, just let us know. There's no point being angry with it because I know your situation is hard but let us try to fix it."
hahahaha, thats exactly what i tell my parents, "let me fix my own problems, you don't have to help me, infact i don't want your help"... But their counter argument is always "well look at your high school grades, they suck, especially your senior one".
Well you don't want to say "let me fix my own problems." That'll never work =).
Like I said, what I told you to say is a LOT tougher. It's actually letting them know you understand. Saying "Let me fix my own problems" is an easy teenage rebellious cop out version of that. Sure, what you really mean to say is "Look I know you guys mean well for me and I don't always do the right thing. But I'm trying and I hope you guys see that". Because the latter is something from the inside and it's not something we can say to parents who yell at us everyday. Because at that point, they feel like your parents, your friends but also your enemy all at the same time and it's damn hard to pull something raw from inside you.
You sure as fuck don't want to run away and wash dishes for the rest of your life though. That's like fighting a backwards approach with more backwardness.
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On July 13 2010 12:39 Jumperer wrote:
I call fucken bullshit on you because you are still at your house. Leave them a note, tell them how fucked up they are. Then Go out there and do it. Hell, you can set up a paypal account and I'm sure some people will donate you some money. You can find some TL.net guys and crash with them somewhere.
haha i got a few friends i can count on. Usually at night when i can't sleep i think about what i'd do if i was kicked out of the house. Accepting donations is against my philosophy though T_T.
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The fact that you have considered suicide means your sister is very likely thinking about it too. Grow some balls and listen to what people are fucking telling you in this thread for her sake.
Fuck the bullshit Asian apologists in this thread trying to justify your dad's actions in any way (KissBlade in particular). Your sister being beaten in the face and having to suffer belt whippings? That's child abuse.
Not Asian cultural suffering for your children bullshit.
Child fucking abuse. If this was a white family no-one would question that the father deserves jail.
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Join the army, that'll get there attention.
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You need to figure something out before you leave for college, because unless something changes, your mom and your sister will have to deal with your absence, and your dad will probably channel his violence more towards them when you're not there.
Seriously, something drastic needs to happen. You have a 10 year old sister for god's sake.
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On July 13 2010 12:42 Pineapple wrote:
The fact that you have considered suicide means your sister is very likely thinking about it too. Grow some balls and listen to what people are fucking telling you in this thread for her sake.
Fuck the bullshit Asian apologists in this thread trying to justify your dad's actions in any way (KissBlade in particular). Your sister being beaten in the face and having to suffer belt whippings? That's child abuse.
Not Asian cultural suffering for your children bullshit.
Child fucking abuse. If this was a white family no-one would question that the father deserves jail.
This is not the time for your PC nonsense. You obviously don't realize the seriousness of the situation here. Him following your shit advice can ruin his life. If you don't know about these issues, don't comment. It is simple as that. It is frustrating to read this crap because despite what well meaning some people may have, it's all just DRIVEL that they have in this idealistic world they put themselves in. They have no idea that some of the stuff they're putting forth, people are actually reading as legitimate and taking into consideration. That alone is very fucking scary to me and why I decided to post here cause I normally I don't touch blog life advice threads with a stick. In fact, I implore future would be posters to think before they post "Do I actually have experience understanding this matter?" If the answer is NO, then DON'T POST.
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On July 13 2010 12:04 KissBlade wrote:
If you think getting ranted at and bitched at is too much to deal with, you probably wont' be able to handle what he's going through. I tell you this because my mom is ten times worse than your dad.
Did your mom kill your siblings?
My lasting advice to you is this. Yes, you're off to being an adult a lot earlier than most of your peers but you're going to have to suck it up and realize life isn't fair. But ten years from now, you're going to look back and realize that your character is going to built out of a lot tougher stuff than most because of it and you'll come out the better.
disagree, you may be "tougher" in some situations, but you will be depressed and have a lot of shit to deal with down the road. The only good thing to come of bad parenting is a stark lesson in what not to do. Hopefully you can take it as that and not end up like your dad using his childhood abuse to explain away his bad judgment you.
Other than that I agree with the post mostly...Chinese immigrants are a pretty hardcore bunch. It's up to you how much of that is wise to live your life by. I suggest not beating your kids, no matter how much it "toughens them up."
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It all makes sense now...
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I agree with the majority of what kissblade has said.
One thing I feel like I have to stress though is to try to keep your sister in mind. It's too bad that you are already leaving but try to be as supportive and talk to her. The influence an older sibling has on a younger one can be very great, try not to brush her off as annoying all the time. It might seem trivial to you but it's not to her.
Also yeah the whole asian studying for 15 hrs a day/comparing you to other ppl stuff is obviously irritating. But as ppl have said, it's partially because the father feels like he sacrificed a lot so you could have success. So in college, at least do enough to get good grades. Don't blow things off out of spite.
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EPT
