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This blog should be updated regularly instead of spawning a rant in stand alone blogs
No poem today sorry lads, and it's going to get less regular once again, I'm running out of inspiration, and I will have time but no will really soon.
I wrote one or two (can't even remember!) drafts today, but they need lots of work, and I'm SO bad at working on a poem again (that's why they are mostly mediocre too, because those are second or third draft basically, no neat crafting on them all).
Which is a good sign and a bad sign, a good one because it means I could theoretically really improve them, but really bad because I don't see myself doing it, I don't want to do it at all, and when I try I'm not only fully bored, I'm also fully clueless on how to improve it really, the ideas I have seems out of reach for my mind, even with some tools to help, and I also don't have the patience to think about the poem and let it rest and everything, I want it instantly, last point the few times I let a draft on a side and decide to write on it again, as soon as I look back at it, my inspiration goes through the window...
I found a book about depression today in a charity shop, I don't know yet if it is a self help book or a personal story about overcoming it, but it looks short, I'll try to start it as soon as I get back home, which will be on Monday.
It is 'Sane New World Taming the Mind' by Ruby Wax (I have no idea who that lady is, but the cash register lady in the groceries store recognized her name and told me she is "very funny", and it was a different shop that the one in which I bought the book).
I've started to read my horoscope on the daily, on two or three different websites, I know it's bollocks, it isn't even the same on the different websites, and it talks about things that do not affect me at all. But I still do it, it was fun the first couple days, when it was talking about meeting someone romantically speaking, but then it got obscure, or just about stuff that do not interest me.
I really wanted croque-monsieurs since yesterday night, the thought started after I bought some sliced bread for the first time in months. But I got a bit sick (probably because of the bread), and I don't think adding cheese and bread to my eating habit is a good idea, I'm trying to eat healthier, I'll go back to lots of carbs on Monday, but I will try to eat less of it, and maybe add some veggies, at least for a month.
My workload has been quite irregular.
At first I had a busy day, but I finished on time.
Then I had LOTS of work, and always had work for the next day, even when I stayed "late" at work.
Then I had normal days, busy, but nothing urgent, and it was quite satisfying.
Then I had one week and a half or two weeks of lots of down time, writing poem, reading stuff online, pretending to be working.
And now it seems that I have a very busy desk again, I don't have to stay late but I got some urgent stuff, as today for an example. I even still have two very urgent stuff, and we will have to extend the deadline on them (worst case scenario I believe), but it should be okay, we have no real choices, and best thing for me, those are not even MY cases but my direct supervisor's ones, so not only those are cases that maybe we couldn't do earlier even if we were prepared, but if it were the case it wasn't due to my fault.
I still feel bad about them, and kind of guilty (as soon as something is given to me and it's urgent I feel guilty, my fault or not, my client or not, I don't really know why).
I also feel a bit stressed as soon as I'm working, it's like a bit of an adrenaline rush pumping through my veins, but it's not a real pleasant state, I'm doing stuff I have plenty of time to do, and I still feel under pressure for some unknown reason.
I have to say good bye to the cash register lady, she is always nice with me everyday, I'll tell her as soon as possible, not to miss her on the last day.
I have to start looking on the itinerary to the station as well, I'm leaving only on Monday, but I like to be prepared, I hope there are regular trains from where I'm at to the biggest city, that is the only incertitude. It should be alright, but you never know, worst case scenario I'll have to ask my landlord to drive me to the city or I'll probably ruin myself in a cab (my landlord is already taking me to the local station, that's very generous of him).
You reap what you saw part.
I've been (not really on purpose) very isolated, awkward, and locked on myself at work, as a result no one has really approached me (it was my job to approach them anyway not the other way around, I know that), and no one is even going to miss me. People know when I'm leaving, and they are not saying good bye for the one going on holidays, and no one is trying to see me last one time before I leave, they are doing it with another co worker, but he is way more social than I am and he has been there almost 16 times longer than I have, so that's understandable.
And about reaping what you sow (or is it sew?), I feel like a part of me doesn't want to get better, and doesn't believe I can be, or doesn't believe it's worth it, like, in a way, I feel I'm to feel bad, I can't be feeling alright, and that feeling alright is a fraud of me, that I don't deserve it, or I can't do it, or I SIMPLY do NOT want to do it, without being miserable I'm nothing, no fuel for my shitty poetry, not fuel for my way too personal rants, no fuel for anything, and no me being ME. I kind of don't believe what I just wrote, as if I know I'm going to get better and be quite happy and be alright, but at the same time I feel like I don't feel bad enough yet to be considered "unhappy", I'm in the middle, I have some very down moment, and some mostly alright moments, so I guess I'll stay as moody as I am, for best and worse.
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5000 views for my poetry, that is pretty big and insane. (it's at 4999 right now)
Maybe I should try to really improve now, but I always say that.
I was woken up at 3 am by my housemate girlfriend, no moaning this time, simply he hasn't come home last night, and apparently she couldn't reach him by phone, I hope nothing wrong has happened, that is kinda weird, and enigmatic.
I couldn't fall asleep before 7am or so, and I woke up around 8am, given that I went to bed at half past eleven at least, that's roughly 4 hours of sleep, today is going to be hard.
Three horoscopes results for today: forget about that one person (I'm thinking about two or three), but also a good time to get to know each other, and trying to be discreet is going to be hard today.
Maybe I could share my daily horoscope, that would force me to write a blog daily.
I don't know if it was the coffee, or the fruits, or probably both, but I got a bad stomach issue last night, and now my ass is sore, it seems to have calm down for today, I don't know if I should drink any more of that coffee tonight, it tasted quite good.
I'm still at the same weight, and I haven't started the depression book, it looks like a self help book.
I'll probably write again this evening, don't expect two blogs a day, this is just because I'm on the computer in the morning, thing that will NOT happen when I get back home.
Have a nice day everyone.
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I don’t feel that tired beside not sleeping much last night, weird, I’ll probably pay the price tomorrow.
It was a weird day, I didn’t have much then I got some weird work I never did before, so probably screwed that up, worst employee here.
And then I got an urgent work, once again, while I had to deal with the urgent ones from yesterday.
A girl nearly fainted, she was feeling very hot and got evacuated, it’s weird cause she is usually the one wearing long sleeves while the others aren’t.
My supervisor gave me some of his workload quite late in the afternoon, which means that I have some work for tomorrow already, I hope I wont have much on Friday, I don’t want to feel too much pressure on my last day.
Didn’t have time to write a poem, and no inspiration at all anyway.
My housemate is back home, we haven’t really bumped into each other so I don’t know if he is alright.
I don’t realize yet that I’m coming back home, Monday sounds so far away, and yet I’ll probably never come back here, such a weird feeling.
The big boss of the department is leaving the company after 16 years of hard work, and today she gathered everyone for an impromptu meeting telling everyone to not let go, not give up, and do what the managers are saying to not let everyone collapse, and as she was saying that she got emotional and started crying.
It’s weird, she is always smiling and so cheery, and she was cheerful before starting on her rant. (she already told us about leaving the company a couple or more weeks before).
I tried to look up tips to improve my English, the couples websites mentioned to use simple words, get straight to the point, and avoid some “to be” structures.
I agreed with pretty much everything beside using simple word, I think that using peculiar word, being closer to the idea is better than using a generic one, the only trick is to get the exact word, which is usually quite hard. I’ll try to find resources on more specific word, but that sounds too vague and hard to do, my best attempt will be to look at synonyms list and try to read the definition of each word.
Three social events are happening in the next couple days, and I’m not planning on going to any, already too late for two of them, I’m leaving anyway and I didn’t bound even slightly with anyone, so really there is no point, I may feel bad about it, I hope I’ll forget about those events.
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Today's horoscope mentions work and opening you eyes and especially ears for a sign of love.
An Asian guy told me "Young man, no problem" twice, when I went to buy some take away.
I remember that I have some work for today, and my left shoulder hurts for some reason.
Nothing much to say for today, I feel it's going to be a shit day...
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Nothing much to say today.
Lots of work in the morning, almost none of it in the afternoon.
I want to say that I’m sad, but I don’t feel much yet, I don’t realize yet, and I often fed up with some of my work, it’s like a hidden sadness, creeping up and soon to explode to my face, that I start to feel.
I’ve been bad today and I bought cheese… and crisps… and I’ll have rice for dinner… and I’ve been buying candies for three days straight now at lunch WITH my lunch, and tomorrow is fish and chips day, and drinking on Saturday night… CALORIES ugh, I’m stupid, I’ll hate myself for it, but I don’t know, I felt like it was quite apropos for some very weird reason.
Socially, this experience has been quite a disaster, my weird side has been way stronger than I expected, I’m not happy about it, but there is no point now, so I’m not even trying any more. Might be that I should apologise to my co workers, I don’t know if I will, I have prepared a couple points I want to mention, like:
1) I know as come out as rude and I’m sorry I wasn’t more agreeable, I’m like this everyone, family, peers, friends, I wanted to fight the weirdness but I couldn’t and then I gave up on it
2) I don’t feel good about it, I beat my self up about it daily
But at the same time, that would make it even more awkward, and it’s pretty much useless.
It feels like I often try things, and always fail, then I don’t keep on trying, and I don’t try harder, I just give up straight away.
I do it socially, study wise, poetry wise, writing non poetry wise, video games wise, arts, sports, everything really.
I told my friends I wouldn’t ghost them before getting back home, and I did ghost them, I told people countless times and myself, how I’m going to stop bemoaning all the time, and here I am.
I swear multiple times that I was done with my shitty poetry, and yet I’ve been pretty active the past month.
I wanted to write better, I wanted to be more social, be more positive, eat better, exercise a little, and I didn’t follow through with anything at all, it was too “hard” for me, that is so much the attitude of a loser.
About my writing (poetry, blog, and if I ever get inspiration something else), I want to try and work on it when I get back home, but I don’t really know what to write about, and I hate proof reading, so it’s another one of those fantasy of mine, wanting something, knowing how to do it, and not doing it, I’m stupid and lazy.
I’ve written more than I expected.
I need to learn how to simply my sentences, and get better at using commas.
I need to diversify my vocabulary, with a diversified usage of verbs, and adjectives (mainly).
I need to stop using “like”, “much”, “stuff”, “and”, “lots”, “all”, in short I need to be less vague, precise is my obsession at the moment.
I bumped into that cute girl a few times today, our eyes did not even meet, we didn’t talk, I don’t know her name, don’t even know if she speaks Spanish or only English, I already asked one girl out, but not introducing myself to this one sounds like just another failure.
I always chase the “failures” in my life, I need to have a goal I didn’t reach, always. I did the same with my grades, I do the same with everything, never “rest” you know, but in an unhealthy manner, without giving any results but self hatred.
I got one last urgent order to place, and the person I contacted haven’t answered yet, chased them by email yesterday, I’ll have to chase AGAIN tomorrow, and if they say no, it will be a problematic case… I hope I don’t get anything urgent tomorrow, it’s my last day, it would be so unpleasant, weird, and unnecessary, take the burden on your shoulder folks, be nice with me.
I still don’t know who is going to get my clients, they are 5 people that are kind of new, maybe I won’t even get to know whose getting what!
I’ve started packing, it will be, again, a very full, and quite heavy, suitcase, I have a little less than on my first trip, I’ve bought some extra books, but I’ve bought an extra bag for them, I could barely carry it, I hope I haven’t lost muscles, it should be alright, and apparently they are some lifts in the stations, so I should be fine, but still, I packed too much, and that’s when I realize I should have been weight lifting in my life, for those very practical situation.
The suitcase is getting old, a bit of a weird smell, and one wheels is a bit broken, so it makes a horrible sound, I should buy a new one, but I pretty much never travel, so what is the point, all of that to make less noise in some crowded, and already noisy places? I just hate being noticed by people.
I don’t see what else to add for today, I’ll go to bed soon, tomorrow is my last day of work for at least a month, probably more.
Last time seeing my co workers, I hope I don’t get too emotional, don’t want to cry in front of them.
What I can expect right now, is a pretty empty day, but some orders may come in, or another thing, I may have to deal with the urgent one that has been boiling depending on that guy answer, and I could be given some urgent stuff, some stuff I’m not comfortable with, or some extra work from my co workers, which could take me the whole day… which keeps me busy so it’s fine, but maybe being bored out of my mind and counting the hours go by tomorrow would be a nice thing for my last day.
Have a nice day, night, folks.
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Feeling of the day:
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/l0OqanQ.jpg)
Stumble across this article https://metro.co.uk/2018/07/25/how-it-feels-to-be-lonely-in-your-20s-7740183/
What a depressing day so far...
As you already know, if you've read this blog, today is my last day of work, then it's back to being a jabroni doing jack shit in a small room all day on the computer, barely going outside... My bedroom is smaller at home, and it's a one person bed, while this was a double one, and the internet connection will be slower too, and I have to relearn all of my passwords.
Woke up at God knows what time, couldn't fall back asleep before around 6am, then woke up at 7am, I hope it won't exhaust me for today, crossing fingers about not getting anything urgent, and not a whole lot to do, I'd like to have my "bored out of my mind" time today, and of course I hope my urgent stuff got sorted out, I'll send a mail pretty much first thing when I arrive, and they better answer quickly, worst case scenario? I'll leave it for someone else to deal with, a bit shameful, but what can you do...
I don't have a single idea for a poem either...
I almost forgot to look up my horoscope, here is what it says for today:
Need to be loved, but will have affection. Something relating to language skill, and I may find it too much and pretend I'm stupid, whilst impressing someone, and someone with wit and elegance will make me reconsider my plans (what are even my plans?). I could have some tension with my coworker, and with work itself, and maybe I'll need to slow down (I hope they are terribly wrong, I can't deal with lots of work, or some urgent stuff, or worse, both, today, please leave me alone!).
That's it, see you this evening, fish and chips today, and plum and fig I saw at the supermarket for tomorrow morning.
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It is so weird and sad to be leaving.
I complimented a girl today, told her she is ‘ravishing’, she smiled, I didn’t try to talk to her, just dropped her the compliment.
I told my supervisor I didn’t want a ceremony, but they still got me a card and a bottle opener, that’s nice I guess.
I could have gotten a book, but the ceremony was way too awkward for me to handle.
They did one for my supervisor who has been there nearly 6 years, I saw his picture back then, he has aged very nicely, another co worker too.
On my card lots of people wrote that I worked hard, my boss told me the same, my supervisor too, apparently people liked me a little, and I have an official letter saying how I worked hard, was always on time, and people liked me, so that’s nice at least.
I tried some new food, cod roe, taste good, saveloy sausage, taste good too, I ordered some plaice again, it tasted worse than the first time. And I haven’t even started the chips, I’m already so full, and it’s so hot in my bed room.
I’m feeling quite sad, but it won’t come out. (I should put that line in a poem)
I shouldn’t be alone right now, I hope one or two streamers are on, but I’ll need to lay down, it feels like a whole world is over for me, damn I’m bad at saying goodbye to things, the death of my parents is going to be quite something, this job was my life for three months, it isn’t much, but still impact me so much. Also stopped talking to my friends, they’ll probably accept me back if I ask, but I don’t feel worthy of it.
I’m not worthy of jack shit.
Double negative, failure.
If anyone has some tips on how to feel better after leaving a job, I’m all hear.
I feel so down right now, it feels like a breakup, and I haven’t even been through one in my life.
I’ll never know what ravishing girl thinks of me, I’ll leave as lonely as I arrived, my last chance is tomorrow night, and I don’t think that’s going to work out at all.
I feel sad, and lonely.
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Today I feel slightly better, but I’m scared of how I’m going to feel back at home.
What to say? I know, horoscope!
I shall stop looking at it back at home, when I will not be going outside much, maybe stop tomorrow as well.
Horoscope: Should have fun. May have to remove myself from a difficult situation, may watch a game of some sport? I could hear myself think, whatever that means.
I tried eating some figs, I don’t like the taste of them at all, I bought some plums, they taste like nectarines.
I’m going to stop counting calories I think, I’ll just try no to eat too much.
Yesterday, at work, I found a weird website, some books were available to read for free, and there was the new S.King book on it, how can this be legal really?
I need to find a hobby in my home town, but I don’t really have an idea, nor will to do so, I desperately need to meet some people, and I don’t really feel like it… when you know what’s good for you but you don’t want it, story of my life.
That’s it for this morning, I shall post more tonight, after some drinking, and regret of not being more social, UNLESS destiny calls and make my Saturday night something great, which is obviously not happening…
Don’t hesitate to comment, or tell about your life, this blog is turning into a monologue again, I don’t have much to answer or share though, sorry about that.
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I missed some oppurtnity talking to some girl the other night, going home too soon, and no one to talk to tnight.
Spoked with a guy getting his third wife, spokewith a guy not politucal asignment.
I’mm to drunk right now, and might puke, had four huiness one rum and coke, three guiness is usuall my limit.
I’m spending the night alone, another one, most of mh life has been alone, hell of my life has been, what is it lke speniding side by side with a wman, I don’t know; will I ever know, god knows.
I may puke alright.
3 guinness, one rum and coke, and one cute bartender wa not working and offered me a vodka shot as a “gorgeous” bartender, her workd, I’ve spents HOURS trying, which should mean no hungover, I have not been that much sick before.
“Talk to people” said a guy I approach, he his with his third wife, has been playing guitar for 42 years life, been in many band now, and those were his lastt words of advice before getting home.
He’d rather smile and shook his head when he learned that I’m as silent with my fucking family, and he mentioned some GIRLS not talking to me because I left too EARLY the week before, I noticed them, they were four, I though they didn’t see me or something, it feels like a MISSED opportunity, and every OPPORTUNITY seems like a missed SURE thing at this point. Ho well, I brought this to myself, not talking to people was only I brought to myself as wel.
I’ve drank at some point, but I haven’t been this sick, which is weird.
I know feel better, I hope I won’t be hungover, I’ve puked a lot, and my head was hurting very much, I haven’t stayed up this late during my whole stay here.
I missed saying goodbye to one barmaid, but she has a boyfriend apparently, which isn’t even a surprise, I’ve reached an age at which every girl has a boyfriend, the “gorgeous” comment looks very young and she has an almost thee years boyfriend herself, they all have one really, pretty much no single girl in that pub ever.
I’ll have to try and be more social at home, whilst having way less option to do so, I should really try my hardest and look for some hobbies, it feels so foreign and pointless, I have never even hear dof adults hobbies, and nothing that could interest me of course.
That’s it, I still have some bad reflux, I’ll try going to bed, I hope I won’t puke again, it should have passed, after all it’s been roughly three hours of sitting on my kness near the toilets, puking and feeling bad, one t shirt is full of snot and saliva, I hope it isn’t ruined, some bad acidic reflux still going on, but I feel way better of course, head isn’t spinning anymore, I really hope Im’ not sick for tomorrow, it felt good to have a free shot and to be called “gorgeous”, I think the term had nothing to do with attractiveness, but still, I need that kind of compliment in life.
Good night folks, lots of love, well all need some.
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Well, this was it, last day here, moving back tomorrow.
A bit weird, but that’s life.
I talked to a guy yesterday, and was called “gorgeous” by a girl. Apparently, last week, some girls were willing to talk to me, but I left the pub too early, what a great shame.
I’ve been called sex crazed on reddit, I don’t know why yet, I hope the guy will answer.
I don’t have much to say.
Some people, whom are working, tell me to get a job.
Some people, whom are studying, tell me to go for the master degree.
I still haven’t written my letter to my therapist, I don’t know if I even will, I’ll go see him if he is not on holidays.
I’ll leave the house around 8 am tomorrow, and I’ll have some money from the deposit, I can’t really spend it…
I didn’t buy any gifts for anyone, I usually do, I hope no one is expecting anything.
A friend asked me how I was on Saturday, and still no answer from him… that’s pretty unusual, and I’ve seen him online somewhere else.
I think that’s it for tonight.
See you back home.
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Back in France, nothing much has changed, pretty depressing.
I'll need a couple days to adapt back to this shit.
I'll need to find a way to create opportunities to meet people...
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Nothing much to say today either.
I'm trying online dating a bit, again, having even less success than before (when I had close to none success...).
I have to decide on my future pretty soon, stressful.
I've cleaned part of my room, it's not messy per se, but I don't have room for things, it's just stacks of papers, notes, books, on shelves... my dress is full too, and most of the clothes I intend to keep..., I did throw lots of papers though, and the new stacks being more compact, I kind of created space (filthy moba player will read that in a different voice).
There is almost no one at less than 25 miles from my place, and I don't drive... Not that I'd get an answer, but knowing the end goal isn't even reachable makes the baby steps useless to be taken.
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I didn't write yesterday, got lazy.
Nothing really happening these days, just as accepted.
Trying my luck at online dating, not a single like, not a single answer... I must be doing something wrong, but I've started to accept it and I've distanced myself a little from the ongoing silence.
I'm back on Tinder as well, but on that one I don't expect a single match (I was expecting likes on okcupid, since I got lots of them abroad...)
I've started to read a self help book about depression.
It's hot, I miss my job, I miss the AC, and I have some weird pain in my arm that doesn't seem to go away.
I'm weirdly positive though, so that's nice.
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5 days without a word.
Got lazy, sorry.
Summer, not doing much STILL.
Chose not to become an English teacher, going to try the Master degree about translation, will probably fail, doesn't matter, will give my best and see, without expecting too much.
I thought I got a match on Tinder, got a notification, almost instantly clicked on it, then nothing 
Got not like on okcupid yet, but a girl answered, we've exchanged a bit, not sure how to keep the conversation flowing at all, haha "wtf am I even doing" =)
Will keep you posted on some stuff, let's hope this will be a good story, so I can finally write my OWN LEGIT [Girl Blog] !!!
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I'm that guy, that is not too wrong, not too good, just a good mix of average.
I'm enough for "the others" "someone outthere" but never for people.
I accept it.
Relationships whatever the kind takes effort and commitment, and why would you do that with something that has a low value.
Someone will find me enough one day, but not the people I meet.
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8 days, sorry about that.
Nothing much happened.
I decided on the translation master degree, instead of the teaching one.
My goal is to get any random job with the master, I can't do teaching, and the translation field is over stacked.
I bought two books: The Handmaid's Tale, haven't watched the show, looks like a short book, found it in English, and El Alep, in Spanish, it's quite a famous one.
I've also deleted my Tinder and Okcupid account. No match on Tinder, pointless. And on okcupid I talked with two girls, one wasn't looking for anything "yeah right", and the other one didn't answer mid conversation after 6 days... clearly not interested.
I realized that I have no life at all, and I don't even really want one. I'll never be what I want to be, better give up completely on everything.
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Hello everybody,
life is getting a bit awkward, my parents are talking of splitting up, but I don't have a job, so it would mean finding accommodation and somehow move all my belongings (clothes and books). I would also need to somehow find a job in the next year or so, after that all of my savings would be gone.
I read a book in two days, not a great exploit, The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, I haven't watched the show yet, I don't know if I will. It is 325 pages long approx. It was quite good, I wished I didn't know anything about it before starting it, if you are not too sure about the story, try to dive in without looking for any infos, it will do you a great service.
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The need to isolate again
Human beings are social creature, say many people more or less expert on the subject.
It's true than in history we have no traces of people living alone and thriving, at least as taught in the western society.
We learn about the tribes living of fishing, gathering, and hunting, all those activities done in groups in order to help the group sustain, everyone getting a role assigned to them for the greated good.
Then we learn about agriculture and later on the Egyptian people, which built the pyramides; a group effort for sure.
After that we learn of the Greeks and democracy, once a gain a group feature.
And right before jumping into your country's history you should have learnt about the Roman's empire, who says empire means a group dominating an even larger group.
We live in the direct legacy of the Greeks' democracy and the Romans' empire, we try to redefine society into poles of strenght, strenght defined by population, wealth, and power (military, political, diplomatic etc).
In this context, one individual needs to blend in.
One needs to erase their personality and uniqueness to blend with the rest of the mass, to work in this society.
You don't know who drives the bus, then train, the casheer's name, what people are up to after you've done working etc.
Some people have hobbies, have a life, friends, family, lovers, dogs.
But I'm not one of those people. I'm an hermit hiding in plain sight. I need to bend and obey society's rules, I can't just go against the tides and do what I like, this would lead to my loss, do my death. Instead I have to forget about all that makes me unique and become an even more lambda individual than I am now. I have to make myself small.
The opposite hasn't worked so far in my life, trying to be someone, something.
Of course, it would be foolish to think that I was unique, I was just another one but I tried to burgeon away from the tree, I was on a branch and orienting myself away from the other leaves.
It's time to join society, it is time to go silent, to become a shadow of others, to walk in their footsteps, to stop making a sound.
It is time to destroy all efforts of building an empire of my own, but instead it is time to join the already established one.
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It's the usual story, boy meets girl, boy and girl share moments together, move in together, spend a chunk of their life together before divorcing, or one dying more or less tragically.
The story doesn't highlights all the aborted novels, all these chapters of "boy meets girl, nothing happens" or "they share moments, nothing happens". Nowadays, just as before in a way, people meet and don't stick together.
It also silences a novels that seems to be popular in our Earth’s special bookstore: the singles.
In the last four years I’ve witnessed a weird thing about the people I met, there were three big categories, lacking an important one: the already in a relationship (stared before 4 years ago and never stopped), the jumping from relationship to another (more or less dating, their long term relationship never lasting more than 10 months), the singles (not even dating, no one night stands, nothing at all). The missing element is the one I had witness in the older member of my generation: a relationship starting and lasting more than 10 months. It is entirely possible than those relationship started at most 10 months ago and are ongoing, but I’m not aware of any.
It seems than nothing sticks any longer, first marriage are getting rarer and rarer, I hear of people staying together being second parents, or second marriage, third marriage, but I have heard of only one three years old relationships, all the other aborted or were older.
It is obvious that this is just a coincidence, from my small pool of acquaintances and information.
I want to report here a joke two people (one a bit younger, the other one a bit older) shared last year while talking about relationship and their vision of the future “then you get divorced at 40”.
This young people were aiming at a 10-15 years relationship at most, with a kid, and a divorce in the end.
When I was in primary and secondary school (15 years ago approx.) kids with divorced parents were a minority, but a growing one. Nowadays I suspect that a third to half kids aged up to 18 will have only one parent, or divorced one, or be with a parent that isn’t their biological one.
As I’m not religious, this doesn’t bother me that much, beside the fact that people needs to start acknowledging these types of relationships, they need to become the norms and not to be seen as a minority.
The “dream” of an ideal household has to be rethought, in order to be more resonating with today’s society.
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What will not happen.
From what I’ve observed both online and offline, for two people dating, you got four people not meeting anyone.
You usually have one person dating 2-12 people over the course of 6 months, and for this person you get 5 persons not getting a single date.
I meet 6 persons, one is dating, the others are single, sometimes you get the odd “long term relationship” person, they are quite rare. Maybe it has to do with my demographic, people aged 18 to 28, then the couple 35-50-80 years old (some here and there in each bracket).
From some parts of the internet, and medias in general, I got this weird illusions that people enter relationships everyday, while in reality it seems scarce, some do jump into multiple relationship, but for one person dating, you get 4 singles.
Those numbers are pretty random, it may be less or more.
I was in another country for a few months, and there I met something like 60 people, and 40 or so were in a relationship or dating. The ratio seemed opposite of the one I’m witnessing at home.
The reassuring side of the internet is that you encounter people in your exact position, or that were in this position, it helps tremendously into accepting things as they are.
I have been single my whole life, and meeting people who have always been single for a longer period of time helps me understand how common it is.
As a simpleton, I try to understand my environment and try to establish some kind of “norm” in my mind, but the truth is we have some “norms” plural, not a “norm”, and being single your whole life isn’t an anecdotal percentile, it is a growing and relatively nice number. You got some population of tribes in the world smaller than the numbers of people staying single their whole life. If all those persons were reunited in one place, they could run a middle size city (for the western part of the world, if you had the Asian population you would get an actual country).
Let’s get to my point: it relationships will not happen to me.
Let’s be more precise: relationships should not happen to me.
As an unstable, sick, individual, my only chance would be to get in relationship with an equally damaged or ill person, which is bound to be a disaster, or a nest for a shitty relationship.
People don’t really understand mental illness.
One of the reason, is that mental illness is too broad of a term, in my case it takes the form of a personality, my whole person is sick, and will never be okay, I’m not ready to be ok, I don’t even want to be okay. Some people are never accepting of a team dominating in sport, or a political system, an economic system, those person live in a world of their own, they seem to be like you and I, but they fueled their bile and will never be satisfied with anything.
To some people this is the same but with their personality, they are in opposition with the world and their life.
Two persons told me the most important truths about my personality, the first one is “You don’t want to get better”, and the second one is “You don’t want to be in a relationship”. Both are true, I don’t want either, I’m fine with being sick and unhappy, this my basic state, this is my way of signaling that the world is bad, that I’m bad, that nothing is ideal. And the second part is me being “me”, I’m not meant to be in a relationship, to go to social events, to meet people, to meet up with old friends or anything, I’m meant to be single and alone, in these conditions I had my best results, I performed the best.
Relationship are evil, they corrupt the mind, there isn’t a guy that masturbate more than a guy getting sex every week, that persons has a tainted mind wanting more and more every time. This fact is eclipsed by guy never getting laid and getting addicted to masturbation, the previous one are addicted to sex and need an alternative.
Having friends can be equally good and bad, done well you are with the brightest minds and push others in the right direction, done with the wrong persons you are allowing mediocrity to exist.
Same goes with romantic relationships, it is better to be your best alone, than to get in a relationship that will stop you from getting a better you, and the people that will settle for a less you may not be worthy of the best you.
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EPT
