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I’m trying to figure out how to enjoy something without trying to be very good at it since I’m not good at anything anyway.
It’s a weird thinking, it doesn’t really matter, it doesn’t have a drive to it, but I also have to accept my position, the one of a loser.
I’m spending my days refreshing reddit and twitch until I find something to watch, trying to learn my god damn Italian, and playing a bit of chess on the side.
Such is the life of the privileged guy that has a roof and dinner and leisure time at will.
I don’t deserve it, I’m being punished these days by some pains.
I’m still waiting on Artifact, but the business model is not for me, maybe I shouldn’t get interested in card games in the first place.
I have these teenagers dreams in my mind, like I could keep on living a neet life for ever, and maybe have a successful stream or making contents of any kind, of course I’m too lazy to even try to make content and with my brain and skills it wouldn’t be worth anything at all.
Some of the youth has been corrupted with making it big in sports, then with youtube and instagram, I’ve been stupid enough to get trapped in the twitch dream.
I have to come to terms with being talentless and stupid, I’ll be looking more intensively for a job as soon as I’m out of the degree. I think with my mind focused on the job all day I’ll be happier.
That’s if I find a decent job. Then I’ll spent my free time doing the same as right now I guess.
It doesn’t sound that much interesting, not sure why I should keep going on, to pay back my parents support through all these years I guess, they won’t die soon so I’ll have a reason to live for some years still, I shall reach a great level of emptiness around 40-50 years old.
Or I could stop being a burden on their finances and society as a whole...
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I was planning on studying, but I don’t have any motivation and my sibling is coming to visit.
They got some success and are still in some deep shit cause they are irresponsible.
My family is made of loser, we are white trash through and through.
At least my sibling has a job and has worked most of their life.
They are acting like some ass toward my parents, but this is another characteristic of this family: to never be in good terms with anyone.
I don’t even know the rest of my family, I have one uncle (we don’t really refer to him as an uncle, but as the “brother of”) I’ve never met and that’s basically it, the rest are distant cousins I’ll never meet or get to know, they were deemed at being “shit” by mum, she is quite shit her self and she doesn’t want to explain.
My parents always think negatively and pessimistic about everything.
They don’t always set their mind on things, so sometimes they will argue in both way or change opinion, often thinking of what never happens and will never happen, filling themselves with regrets.
When there is something “good”, they later use it as a tool to blame you and or criticize you.
My mum thinks negatively of her friends as well, and the only times she says good things about people it’s in a very delusional and baseless fashion, rendering the good statement null and void.
Maybe I picked up after them, or maybe the world and life is indeed trash.
I’ve trained my brain into thinking negatively so that I always see the bad sides of everything.
They never really had many friends, did sport while I was alive, or had any hobbies.
I’m a bit of the same, and I don’t think those things are that worth anyway, some people are bad and will always be, let them rot and go to an early grave, I’m obviously one of them.
My sibling situation is depressing, they did everything right and they are in a shitty situation, I don’t think I have any hope myself at this point.
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There isn’t any bread left, it’s cold inside, my coffee has gone cold, my body aches.
We don’t have anything to munch on, because biscuits will give us all diabetes.
I haven’t done anything today, I have absolutely no motivation.
Still that little whiny bitch not doing anything to get better, is it depression, is it retardness, no one knows, doesn’t matter anyway.
Waiting for tonight, tomorrow will be better...
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It's in the brain, it's not chemical, it's physical, the whole shebang, the whole low self esteem, self sabotage, whining, depression, lack of motivation, I'm not an alien, I'm an alternative human species, a subhuman kind, the filth of this world, people will hate seeing me in the streets, there is no fix, the fix is what I flee.
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Low motivation again today.
I did write one page and a half out of the five I'm being asked to write.
I haven't won a single chess game yet but it's fun I guess.
I haven't worked on my Italian in two days.
Body hurts a little less with a hoodie on I'm not too sure why.
I have some assignments to do, procrastinating it.
As I'm writing my body starts to hurt again...
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I've realised that I'm pretty disconnected from the world, maybe I should go further down under the radar.
I've also realized why I'm so empty: my goal was to get my degree, now that I have it it's complete. I never intended to do anything with it, it's time to work now, whatever job I can find with this useless thing.
I guess this my goodbye for now, let's delete this account.
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EPT
