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This blog should be updated regularly instead of spawning a rant in stand alone blogs
No poem today sorry lads, and it's going to get less regular once again, I'm running out of inspiration, and I will have time but no will really soon.
I wrote one or two (can't even remember!) drafts today, but they need lots of work, and I'm SO bad at working on a poem again (that's why they are mostly mediocre too, because those are second or third draft basically, no neat crafting on them all).
Which is a good sign and a bad sign, a good one because it means I could theoretically really improve them, but really bad because I don't see myself doing it, I don't want to do it at all, and when I try I'm not only fully bored, I'm also fully clueless on how to improve it really, the ideas I have seems out of reach for my mind, even with some tools to help, and I also don't have the patience to think about the poem and let it rest and everything, I want it instantly, last point the few times I let a draft on a side and decide to write on it again, as soon as I look back at it, my inspiration goes through the window...
I found a book about depression today in a charity shop, I don't know yet if it is a self help book or a personal story about overcoming it, but it looks short, I'll try to start it as soon as I get back home, which will be on Monday.
It is 'Sane New World Taming the Mind' by Ruby Wax (I have no idea who that lady is, but the cash register lady in the groceries store recognized her name and told me she is "very funny", and it was a different shop that the one in which I bought the book).
I've started to read my horoscope on the daily, on two or three different websites, I know it's bollocks, it isn't even the same on the different websites, and it talks about things that do not affect me at all. But I still do it, it was fun the first couple days, when it was talking about meeting someone romantically speaking, but then it got obscure, or just about stuff that do not interest me.
I really wanted croque-monsieurs since yesterday night, the thought started after I bought some sliced bread for the first time in months. But I got a bit sick (probably because of the bread), and I don't think adding cheese and bread to my eating habit is a good idea, I'm trying to eat healthier, I'll go back to lots of carbs on Monday, but I will try to eat less of it, and maybe add some veggies, at least for a month.
My workload has been quite irregular.
At first I had a busy day, but I finished on time.
Then I had LOTS of work, and always had work for the next day, even when I stayed "late" at work.
Then I had normal days, busy, but nothing urgent, and it was quite satisfying.
Then I had one week and a half or two weeks of lots of down time, writing poem, reading stuff online, pretending to be working.
And now it seems that I have a very busy desk again, I don't have to stay late but I got some urgent stuff, as today for an example. I even still have two very urgent stuff, and we will have to extend the deadline on them (worst case scenario I believe), but it should be okay, we have no real choices, and best thing for me, those are not even MY cases but my direct supervisor's ones, so not only those are cases that maybe we couldn't do earlier even if we were prepared, but if it were the case it wasn't due to my fault.
I still feel bad about them, and kind of guilty (as soon as something is given to me and it's urgent I feel guilty, my fault or not, my client or not, I don't really know why).
I also feel a bit stressed as soon as I'm working, it's like a bit of an adrenaline rush pumping through my veins, but it's not a real pleasant state, I'm doing stuff I have plenty of time to do, and I still feel under pressure for some unknown reason.
I have to say good bye to the cash register lady, she is always nice with me everyday, I'll tell her as soon as possible, not to miss her on the last day.
I have to start looking on the itinerary to the station as well, I'm leaving only on Monday, but I like to be prepared, I hope there are regular trains from where I'm at to the biggest city, that is the only incertitude. It should be alright, but you never know, worst case scenario I'll have to ask my landlord to drive me to the city or I'll probably ruin myself in a cab (my landlord is already taking me to the local station, that's very generous of him).
You reap what you saw part.
I've been (not really on purpose) very isolated, awkward, and locked on myself at work, as a result no one has really approached me (it was my job to approach them anyway not the other way around, I know that), and no one is even going to miss me. People know when I'm leaving, and they are not saying good bye for the one going on holidays, and no one is trying to see me last one time before I leave, they are doing it with another co worker, but he is way more social than I am and he has been there almost 16 times longer than I have, so that's understandable.
And about reaping what you sow (or is it sew?), I feel like a part of me doesn't want to get better, and doesn't believe I can be, or doesn't believe it's worth it, like, in a way, I feel I'm to feel bad, I can't be feeling alright, and that feeling alright is a fraud of me, that I don't deserve it, or I can't do it, or I SIMPLY do NOT want to do it, without being miserable I'm nothing, no fuel for my shitty poetry, not fuel for my way too personal rants, no fuel for anything, and no me being ME. I kind of don't believe what I just wrote, as if I know I'm going to get better and be quite happy and be alright, but at the same time I feel like I don't feel bad enough yet to be considered "unhappy", I'm in the middle, I have some very down moment, and some mostly alright moments, so I guess I'll stay as moody as I am, for best and worse.
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5000 views for my poetry, that is pretty big and insane. (it's at 4999 right now)
Maybe I should try to really improve now, but I always say that.
I was woken up at 3 am by my housemate girlfriend, no moaning this time, simply he hasn't come home last night, and apparently she couldn't reach him by phone, I hope nothing wrong has happened, that is kinda weird, and enigmatic.
I couldn't fall asleep before 7am or so, and I woke up around 8am, given that I went to bed at half past eleven at least, that's roughly 4 hours of sleep, today is going to be hard.
Three horoscopes results for today: forget about that one person (I'm thinking about two or three), but also a good time to get to know each other, and trying to be discreet is going to be hard today.
Maybe I could share my daily horoscope, that would force me to write a blog daily.
I don't know if it was the coffee, or the fruits, or probably both, but I got a bad stomach issue last night, and now my ass is sore, it seems to have calm down for today, I don't know if I should drink any more of that coffee tonight, it tasted quite good.
I'm still at the same weight, and I haven't started the depression book, it looks like a self help book.
I'll probably write again this evening, don't expect two blogs a day, this is just because I'm on the computer in the morning, thing that will NOT happen when I get back home.
Have a nice day everyone.
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I don’t feel that tired beside not sleeping much last night, weird, I’ll probably pay the price tomorrow.
It was a weird day, I didn’t have much then I got some weird work I never did before, so probably screwed that up, worst employee here.
And then I got an urgent work, once again, while I had to deal with the urgent ones from yesterday.
A girl nearly fainted, she was feeling very hot and got evacuated, it’s weird cause she is usually the one wearing long sleeves while the others aren’t.
My supervisor gave me some of his workload quite late in the afternoon, which means that I have some work for tomorrow already, I hope I wont have much on Friday, I don’t want to feel too much pressure on my last day.
Didn’t have time to write a poem, and no inspiration at all anyway.
My housemate is back home, we haven’t really bumped into each other so I don’t know if he is alright.
I don’t realize yet that I’m coming back home, Monday sounds so far away, and yet I’ll probably never come back here, such a weird feeling.
The big boss of the department is leaving the company after 16 years of hard work, and today she gathered everyone for an impromptu meeting telling everyone to not let go, not give up, and do what the managers are saying to not let everyone collapse, and as she was saying that she got emotional and started crying.
It’s weird, she is always smiling and so cheery, and she was cheerful before starting on her rant. (she already told us about leaving the company a couple or more weeks before).
I tried to look up tips to improve my English, the couples websites mentioned to use simple words, get straight to the point, and avoid some “to be” structures.
I agreed with pretty much everything beside using simple word, I think that using peculiar word, being closer to the idea is better than using a generic one, the only trick is to get the exact word, which is usually quite hard. I’ll try to find resources on more specific word, but that sounds too vague and hard to do, my best attempt will be to look at synonyms list and try to read the definition of each word.
Three social events are happening in the next couple days, and I’m not planning on going to any, already too late for two of them, I’m leaving anyway and I didn’t bound even slightly with anyone, so really there is no point, I may feel bad about it, I hope I’ll forget about those events.
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Today's horoscope mentions work and opening you eyes and especially ears for a sign of love.
An Asian guy told me "Young man, no problem" twice, when I went to buy some take away.
I remember that I have some work for today, and my left shoulder hurts for some reason.
Nothing much to say for today, I feel it's going to be a shit day...
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Nothing much to say today.
Lots of work in the morning, almost none of it in the afternoon.
I want to say that I’m sad, but I don’t feel much yet, I don’t realize yet, and I often fed up with some of my work, it’s like a hidden sadness, creeping up and soon to explode to my face, that I start to feel.
I’ve been bad today and I bought cheese… and crisps… and I’ll have rice for dinner… and I’ve been buying candies for three days straight now at lunch WITH my lunch, and tomorrow is fish and chips day, and drinking on Saturday night… CALORIES ugh, I’m stupid, I’ll hate myself for it, but I don’t know, I felt like it was quite apropos for some very weird reason.
Socially, this experience has been quite a disaster, my weird side has been way stronger than I expected, I’m not happy about it, but there is no point now, so I’m not even trying any more. Might be that I should apologise to my co workers, I don’t know if I will, I have prepared a couple points I want to mention, like:
1) I know as come out as rude and I’m sorry I wasn’t more agreeable, I’m like this everyone, family, peers, friends, I wanted to fight the weirdness but I couldn’t and then I gave up on it
2) I don’t feel good about it, I beat my self up about it daily
But at the same time, that would make it even more awkward, and it’s pretty much useless.
It feels like I often try things, and always fail, then I don’t keep on trying, and I don’t try harder, I just give up straight away.
I do it socially, study wise, poetry wise, writing non poetry wise, video games wise, arts, sports, everything really.
I told my friends I wouldn’t ghost them before getting back home, and I did ghost them, I told people countless times and myself, how I’m going to stop bemoaning all the time, and here I am.
I swear multiple times that I was done with my shitty poetry, and yet I’ve been pretty active the past month.
I wanted to write better, I wanted to be more social, be more positive, eat better, exercise a little, and I didn’t follow through with anything at all, it was too “hard” for me, that is so much the attitude of a loser.
About my writing (poetry, blog, and if I ever get inspiration something else), I want to try and work on it when I get back home, but I don’t really know what to write about, and I hate proof reading, so it’s another one of those fantasy of mine, wanting something, knowing how to do it, and not doing it, I’m stupid and lazy.
I’ve written more than I expected.
I need to learn how to simply my sentences, and get better at using commas.
I need to diversify my vocabulary, with a diversified usage of verbs, and adjectives (mainly).
I need to stop using “like”, “much”, “stuff”, “and”, “lots”, “all”, in short I need to be less vague, precise is my obsession at the moment.
I bumped into that cute girl a few times today, our eyes did not even meet, we didn’t talk, I don’t know her name, don’t even know if she speaks Spanish or only English, I already asked one girl out, but not introducing myself to this one sounds like just another failure.
I always chase the “failures” in my life, I need to have a goal I didn’t reach, always. I did the same with my grades, I do the same with everything, never “rest” you know, but in an unhealthy manner, without giving any results but self hatred.
I got one last urgent order to place, and the person I contacted haven’t answered yet, chased them by email yesterday, I’ll have to chase AGAIN tomorrow, and if they say no, it will be a problematic case… I hope I don’t get anything urgent tomorrow, it’s my last day, it would be so unpleasant, weird, and unnecessary, take the burden on your shoulder folks, be nice with me.
I still don’t know who is going to get my clients, they are 5 people that are kind of new, maybe I won’t even get to know whose getting what!
I’ve started packing, it will be, again, a very full, and quite heavy, suitcase, I have a little less than on my first trip, I’ve bought some extra books, but I’ve bought an extra bag for them, I could barely carry it, I hope I haven’t lost muscles, it should be alright, and apparently they are some lifts in the stations, so I should be fine, but still, I packed too much, and that’s when I realize I should have been weight lifting in my life, for those very practical situation.
The suitcase is getting old, a bit of a weird smell, and one wheels is a bit broken, so it makes a horrible sound, I should buy a new one, but I pretty much never travel, so what is the point, all of that to make less noise in some crowded, and already noisy places? I just hate being noticed by people.
I don’t see what else to add for today, I’ll go to bed soon, tomorrow is my last day of work for at least a month, probably more.
Last time seeing my co workers, I hope I don’t get too emotional, don’t want to cry in front of them.
What I can expect right now, is a pretty empty day, but some orders may come in, or another thing, I may have to deal with the urgent one that has been boiling depending on that guy answer, and I could be given some urgent stuff, some stuff I’m not comfortable with, or some extra work from my co workers, which could take me the whole day… which keeps me busy so it’s fine, but maybe being bored out of my mind and counting the hours go by tomorrow would be a nice thing for my last day.
Have a nice day, night, folks.
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Feeling of the day:
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/l0OqanQ.jpg)
Stumble across this article https://metro.co.uk/2018/07/25/how-it-feels-to-be-lonely-in-your-20s-7740183/
What a depressing day so far...
As you already know, if you've read this blog, today is my last day of work, then it's back to being a jabroni doing jack shit in a small room all day on the computer, barely going outside... My bedroom is smaller at home, and it's a one person bed, while this was a double one, and the internet connection will be slower too, and I have to relearn all of my passwords.
Woke up at God knows what time, couldn't fall back asleep before around 6am, then woke up at 7am, I hope it won't exhaust me for today, crossing fingers about not getting anything urgent, and not a whole lot to do, I'd like to have my "bored out of my mind" time today, and of course I hope my urgent stuff got sorted out, I'll send a mail pretty much first thing when I arrive, and they better answer quickly, worst case scenario? I'll leave it for someone else to deal with, a bit shameful, but what can you do...
I don't have a single idea for a poem either...
I almost forgot to look up my horoscope, here is what it says for today:
Need to be loved, but will have affection. Something relating to language skill, and I may find it too much and pretend I'm stupid, whilst impressing someone, and someone with wit and elegance will make me reconsider my plans (what are even my plans?). I could have some tension with my coworker, and with work itself, and maybe I'll need to slow down (I hope they are terribly wrong, I can't deal with lots of work, or some urgent stuff, or worse, both, today, please leave me alone!).
That's it, see you this evening, fish and chips today, and plum and fig I saw at the supermarket for tomorrow morning.
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It is so weird and sad to be leaving.
I complimented a girl today, told her she is ‘ravishing’, she smiled, I didn’t try to talk to her, just dropped her the compliment.
I told my supervisor I didn’t want a ceremony, but they still got me a card and a bottle opener, that’s nice I guess.
I could have gotten a book, but the ceremony was way too awkward for me to handle.
They did one for my supervisor who has been there nearly 6 years, I saw his picture back then, he has aged very nicely, another co worker too.
On my card lots of people wrote that I worked hard, my boss told me the same, my supervisor too, apparently people liked me a little, and I have an official letter saying how I worked hard, was always on time, and people liked me, so that’s nice at least.
I tried some new food, cod roe, taste good, saveloy sausage, taste good too, I ordered some plaice again, it tasted worse than the first time. And I haven’t even started the chips, I’m already so full, and it’s so hot in my bed room.
I’m feeling quite sad, but it won’t come out. (I should put that line in a poem)
I shouldn’t be alone right now, I hope one or two streamers are on, but I’ll need to lay down, it feels like a whole world is over for me, damn I’m bad at saying goodbye to things, the death of my parents is going to be quite something, this job was my life for three months, it isn’t much, but still impact me so much. Also stopped talking to my friends, they’ll probably accept me back if I ask, but I don’t feel worthy of it.
I’m not worthy of jack shit.
Double negative, failure.
If anyone has some tips on how to feel better after leaving a job, I’m all hear.
I feel so down right now, it feels like a breakup, and I haven’t even been through one in my life.
I’ll never know what ravishing girl thinks of me, I’ll leave as lonely as I arrived, my last chance is tomorrow night, and I don’t think that’s going to work out at all.
I feel sad, and lonely.
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Today I feel slightly better, but I’m scared of how I’m going to feel back at home.
What to say? I know, horoscope!
I shall stop looking at it back at home, when I will not be going outside much, maybe stop tomorrow as well.
Horoscope: Should have fun. May have to remove myself from a difficult situation, may watch a game of some sport? I could hear myself think, whatever that means.
I tried eating some figs, I don’t like the taste of them at all, I bought some plums, they taste like nectarines.
I’m going to stop counting calories I think, I’ll just try no to eat too much.
Yesterday, at work, I found a weird website, some books were available to read for free, and there was the new S.King book on it, how can this be legal really?
I need to find a hobby in my home town, but I don’t really have an idea, nor will to do so, I desperately need to meet some people, and I don’t really feel like it… when you know what’s good for you but you don’t want it, story of my life.
That’s it for this morning, I shall post more tonight, after some drinking, and regret of not being more social, UNLESS destiny calls and make my Saturday night something great, which is obviously not happening…
Don’t hesitate to comment, or tell about your life, this blog is turning into a monologue again, I don’t have much to answer or share though, sorry about that.
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I missed some oppurtnity talking to some girl the other night, going home too soon, and no one to talk to tnight.
Spoked with a guy getting his third wife, spokewith a guy not politucal asignment.
I’mm to drunk right now, and might puke, had four huiness one rum and coke, three guiness is usuall my limit.
I’m spending the night alone, another one, most of mh life has been alone, hell of my life has been, what is it lke speniding side by side with a wman, I don’t know; will I ever know, god knows.
I may puke alright.
3 guinness, one rum and coke, and one cute bartender wa not working and offered me a vodka shot as a “gorgeous” bartender, her workd, I’ve spents HOURS trying, which should mean no hungover, I have not been that much sick before.
“Talk to people” said a guy I approach, he his with his third wife, has been playing guitar for 42 years life, been in many band now, and those were his lastt words of advice before getting home.
He’d rather smile and shook his head when he learned that I’m as silent with my fucking family, and he mentioned some GIRLS not talking to me because I left too EARLY the week before, I noticed them, they were four, I though they didn’t see me or something, it feels like a MISSED opportunity, and every OPPORTUNITY seems like a missed SURE thing at this point. Ho well, I brought this to myself, not talking to people was only I brought to myself as wel.
I’ve drank at some point, but I haven’t been this sick, which is weird.
I know feel better, I hope I won’t be hungover, I’ve puked a lot, and my head was hurting very much, I haven’t stayed up this late during my whole stay here.
I missed saying goodbye to one barmaid, but she has a boyfriend apparently, which isn’t even a surprise, I’ve reached an age at which every girl has a boyfriend, the “gorgeous” comment looks very young and she has an almost thee years boyfriend herself, they all have one really, pretty much no single girl in that pub ever.
I’ll have to try and be more social at home, whilst having way less option to do so, I should really try my hardest and look for some hobbies, it feels so foreign and pointless, I have never even hear dof adults hobbies, and nothing that could interest me of course.
That’s it, I still have some bad reflux, I’ll try going to bed, I hope I won’t puke again, it should have passed, after all it’s been roughly three hours of sitting on my kness near the toilets, puking and feeling bad, one t shirt is full of snot and saliva, I hope it isn’t ruined, some bad acidic reflux still going on, but I feel way better of course, head isn’t spinning anymore, I really hope Im’ not sick for tomorrow, it felt good to have a free shot and to be called “gorgeous”, I think the term had nothing to do with attractiveness, but still, I need that kind of compliment in life.
Good night folks, lots of love, well all need some.
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Well, this was it, last day here, moving back tomorrow.
A bit weird, but that’s life.
I talked to a guy yesterday, and was called “gorgeous” by a girl. Apparently, last week, some girls were willing to talk to me, but I left the pub too early, what a great shame.
I’ve been called sex crazed on reddit, I don’t know why yet, I hope the guy will answer.
I don’t have much to say.
Some people, whom are working, tell me to get a job.
Some people, whom are studying, tell me to go for the master degree.
I still haven’t written my letter to my therapist, I don’t know if I even will, I’ll go see him if he is not on holidays.
I’ll leave the house around 8 am tomorrow, and I’ll have some money from the deposit, I can’t really spend it…
I didn’t buy any gifts for anyone, I usually do, I hope no one is expecting anything.
A friend asked me how I was on Saturday, and still no answer from him… that’s pretty unusual, and I’ve seen him online somewhere else.
I think that’s it for tonight.
See you back home.
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Back in France, nothing much has changed, pretty depressing.
I'll need a couple days to adapt back to this shit.
I'll need to find a way to create opportunities to meet people...
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Nothing much to say today either.
I'm trying online dating a bit, again, having even less success than before (when I had close to none success...).
I have to decide on my future pretty soon, stressful.
I've cleaned part of my room, it's not messy per se, but I don't have room for things, it's just stacks of papers, notes, books, on shelves... my dress is full too, and most of the clothes I intend to keep..., I did throw lots of papers though, and the new stacks being more compact, I kind of created space (filthy moba player will read that in a different voice).
There is almost no one at less than 25 miles from my place, and I don't drive... Not that I'd get an answer, but knowing the end goal isn't even reachable makes the baby steps useless to be taken.
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I didn't write yesterday, got lazy.
Nothing really happening these days, just as accepted.
Trying my luck at online dating, not a single like, not a single answer... I must be doing something wrong, but I've started to accept it and I've distanced myself a little from the ongoing silence.
I'm back on Tinder as well, but on that one I don't expect a single match (I was expecting likes on okcupid, since I got lots of them abroad...)
I've started to read a self help book about depression.
It's hot, I miss my job, I miss the AC, and I have some weird pain in my arm that doesn't seem to go away.
I'm weirdly positive though, so that's nice.
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5 days without a word.
Got lazy, sorry.
Summer, not doing much STILL.
Chose not to become an English teacher, going to try the Master degree about translation, will probably fail, doesn't matter, will give my best and see, without expecting too much.
I thought I got a match on Tinder, got a notification, almost instantly clicked on it, then nothing 
Got not like on okcupid yet, but a girl answered, we've exchanged a bit, not sure how to keep the conversation flowing at all, haha "wtf am I even doing" =)
Will keep you posted on some stuff, let's hope this will be a good story, so I can finally write my OWN LEGIT [Girl Blog] !!!
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I'm that guy, that is not too wrong, not too good, just a good mix of average.
I'm enough for "the others" "someone outthere" but never for people.
I accept it.
Relationships whatever the kind takes effort and commitment, and why would you do that with something that has a low value.
Someone will find me enough one day, but not the people I meet.
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8 days, sorry about that.
Nothing much happened.
I decided on the translation master degree, instead of the teaching one.
My goal is to get any random job with the master, I can't do teaching, and the translation field is over stacked.
I bought two books: The Handmaid's Tale, haven't watched the show, looks like a short book, found it in English, and El Alep, in Spanish, it's quite a famous one.
I've also deleted my Tinder and Okcupid account. No match on Tinder, pointless. And on okcupid I talked with two girls, one wasn't looking for anything "yeah right", and the other one didn't answer mid conversation after 6 days... clearly not interested.
I realized that I have no life at all, and I don't even really want one. I'll never be what I want to be, better give up completely on everything.
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Hello everybody,
life is getting a bit awkward, my parents are talking of splitting up, but I don't have a job, so it would mean finding accommodation and somehow move all my belongings (clothes and books). I would also need to somehow find a job in the next year or so, after that all of my savings would be gone.
I read a book in two days, not a great exploit, The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, I haven't watched the show yet, I don't know if I will. It is 325 pages long approx. It was quite good, I wished I didn't know anything about it before starting it, if you are not too sure about the story, try to dive in without looking for any infos, it will do you a great service.
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The need to isolate again
Human beings are social creature, say many people more or less expert on the subject.
It's true than in history we have no traces of people living alone and thriving, at least as taught in the western society.
We learn about the tribes living of fishing, gathering, and hunting, all those activities done in groups in order to help the group sustain, everyone getting a role assigned to them for the greated good.
Then we learn about agriculture and later on the Egyptian people, which built the pyramides; a group effort for sure.
After that we learn of the Greeks and democracy, once a gain a group feature.
And right before jumping into your country's history you should have learnt about the Roman's empire, who says empire means a group dominating an even larger group.
We live in the direct legacy of the Greeks' democracy and the Romans' empire, we try to redefine society into poles of strenght, strenght defined by population, wealth, and power (military, political, diplomatic etc).
In this context, one individual needs to blend in.
One needs to erase their personality and uniqueness to blend with the rest of the mass, to work in this society.
You don't know who drives the bus, then train, the casheer's name, what people are up to after you've done working etc.
Some people have hobbies, have a life, friends, family, lovers, dogs.
But I'm not one of those people. I'm an hermit hiding in plain sight. I need to bend and obey society's rules, I can't just go against the tides and do what I like, this would lead to my loss, do my death. Instead I have to forget about all that makes me unique and become an even more lambda individual than I am now. I have to make myself small.
The opposite hasn't worked so far in my life, trying to be someone, something.
Of course, it would be foolish to think that I was unique, I was just another one but I tried to burgeon away from the tree, I was on a branch and orienting myself away from the other leaves.
It's time to join society, it is time to go silent, to become a shadow of others, to walk in their footsteps, to stop making a sound.
It is time to destroy all efforts of building an empire of my own, but instead it is time to join the already established one.
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It's the usual story, boy meets girl, boy and girl share moments together, move in together, spend a chunk of their life together before divorcing, or one dying more or less tragically.
The story doesn't highlights all the aborted novels, all these chapters of "boy meets girl, nothing happens" or "they share moments, nothing happens". Nowadays, just as before in a way, people meet and don't stick together.
It also silences a novels that seems to be popular in our Earth’s special bookstore: the singles.
In the last four years I’ve witnessed a weird thing about the people I met, there were three big categories, lacking an important one: the already in a relationship (stared before 4 years ago and never stopped), the jumping from relationship to another (more or less dating, their long term relationship never lasting more than 10 months), the singles (not even dating, no one night stands, nothing at all). The missing element is the one I had witness in the older member of my generation: a relationship starting and lasting more than 10 months. It is entirely possible than those relationship started at most 10 months ago and are ongoing, but I’m not aware of any.
It seems than nothing sticks any longer, first marriage are getting rarer and rarer, I hear of people staying together being second parents, or second marriage, third marriage, but I have heard of only one three years old relationships, all the other aborted or were older.
It is obvious that this is just a coincidence, from my small pool of acquaintances and information.
I want to report here a joke two people (one a bit younger, the other one a bit older) shared last year while talking about relationship and their vision of the future “then you get divorced at 40”.
This young people were aiming at a 10-15 years relationship at most, with a kid, and a divorce in the end.
When I was in primary and secondary school (15 years ago approx.) kids with divorced parents were a minority, but a growing one. Nowadays I suspect that a third to half kids aged up to 18 will have only one parent, or divorced one, or be with a parent that isn’t their biological one.
As I’m not religious, this doesn’t bother me that much, beside the fact that people needs to start acknowledging these types of relationships, they need to become the norms and not to be seen as a minority.
The “dream” of an ideal household has to be rethought, in order to be more resonating with today’s society.
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What will not happen.
From what I’ve observed both online and offline, for two people dating, you got four people not meeting anyone.
You usually have one person dating 2-12 people over the course of 6 months, and for this person you get 5 persons not getting a single date.
I meet 6 persons, one is dating, the others are single, sometimes you get the odd “long term relationship” person, they are quite rare. Maybe it has to do with my demographic, people aged 18 to 28, then the couple 35-50-80 years old (some here and there in each bracket).
From some parts of the internet, and medias in general, I got this weird illusions that people enter relationships everyday, while in reality it seems scarce, some do jump into multiple relationship, but for one person dating, you get 4 singles.
Those numbers are pretty random, it may be less or more.
I was in another country for a few months, and there I met something like 60 people, and 40 or so were in a relationship or dating. The ratio seemed opposite of the one I’m witnessing at home.
The reassuring side of the internet is that you encounter people in your exact position, or that were in this position, it helps tremendously into accepting things as they are.
I have been single my whole life, and meeting people who have always been single for a longer period of time helps me understand how common it is.
As a simpleton, I try to understand my environment and try to establish some kind of “norm” in my mind, but the truth is we have some “norms” plural, not a “norm”, and being single your whole life isn’t an anecdotal percentile, it is a growing and relatively nice number. You got some population of tribes in the world smaller than the numbers of people staying single their whole life. If all those persons were reunited in one place, they could run a middle size city (for the western part of the world, if you had the Asian population you would get an actual country).
Let’s get to my point: it relationships will not happen to me.
Let’s be more precise: relationships should not happen to me.
As an unstable, sick, individual, my only chance would be to get in relationship with an equally damaged or ill person, which is bound to be a disaster, or a nest for a shitty relationship.
People don’t really understand mental illness.
One of the reason, is that mental illness is too broad of a term, in my case it takes the form of a personality, my whole person is sick, and will never be okay, I’m not ready to be ok, I don’t even want to be okay. Some people are never accepting of a team dominating in sport, or a political system, an economic system, those person live in a world of their own, they seem to be like you and I, but they fueled their bile and will never be satisfied with anything.
To some people this is the same but with their personality, they are in opposition with the world and their life.
Two persons told me the most important truths about my personality, the first one is “You don’t want to get better”, and the second one is “You don’t want to be in a relationship”. Both are true, I don’t want either, I’m fine with being sick and unhappy, this my basic state, this is my way of signaling that the world is bad, that I’m bad, that nothing is ideal. And the second part is me being “me”, I’m not meant to be in a relationship, to go to social events, to meet people, to meet up with old friends or anything, I’m meant to be single and alone, in these conditions I had my best results, I performed the best.
Relationship are evil, they corrupt the mind, there isn’t a guy that masturbate more than a guy getting sex every week, that persons has a tainted mind wanting more and more every time. This fact is eclipsed by guy never getting laid and getting addicted to masturbation, the previous one are addicted to sex and need an alternative.
Having friends can be equally good and bad, done well you are with the brightest minds and push others in the right direction, done with the wrong persons you are allowing mediocrity to exist.
Same goes with romantic relationships, it is better to be your best alone, than to get in a relationship that will stop you from getting a better you, and the people that will settle for a less you may not be worthy of the best you.
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Why does everyone want me to keep trying?
I don't understand why all those persons want me to keep trying, which leads to me failing over and over again.
Studying: I have been studying for 8 years, got a Technician degree and a licence, yet some people tell me how I should study something else, or keep going in my studies, what kind of madness is that, I failed three times, almost failed two other times, and I'm about to fail a fourth time, and I should keep trying? That's insanity.
Working: I haven't applied to many jobs, but those were "no experience welcome" "graduate" "no diploma" and "first entry" jobs, and I only got negative answers, of course I'll keep applying because I don't have another solution, but why would you want me to apply for something greater than that? Why would you tell me to "get a job" as if I had a fiver, it was 4.99 and the shop was across the street from my place?
Living alone: My parents are both sick, one is handicapped, the other close to that, I don't have a job, and yet lots of people tell me to leave my parents and just live on my own magically? How can you suggest this thing to me?
Dating: I've tried dating, a few month, in two different countries, and I didn't get a single conversation going anywhere, I had only 3 people responding and they were clearly not interested, I didn't get a single answer on tinder, and not even a match where I am living right now. People tell me to go "have fun" to "experience" to find partners, to date, to get a gf, to "try" relationships, how is that working, since no one is interested, and since I'm clueless, I've grown distant from this whole ordeal, I think I'm better off not trying.
Making friends: Why would I try to make friends, my friends don't invite me anywhere, we have nothing in common, they just tolerate me, this is pointless, people are bad, they just want to be better than you, they don't want to acknowledge a lost cause until you are completely lost and then they just cut ties with you.
Drinking: Yes, drinking is great, it doesn't solve anything, cost money, and will cost me my health in the long run, great advice, thank you very much.
I think people aren’t too happy to see a failure, it’s the bad thing you hide in a neighbourhood you never go to, it’s not something you want in your entourage, it’s sick, it could infect you. They wouldn’t want me to succeed too much either, cause that could tarnish their own success, but they don’t want you to be a total failure either, they can’t think they had such a bad judgement leading to them befriending you.
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You are better off alone.
Most people around me are trash, I’m trash myself. Therefore, it’s better to stay alone than to mix up with those trash persons. The only few people that aren’t trash, I shouldn’t mess with them, I shouldn’t taint them with my disgusting self.
Then you got mildly average folks, these folks I shouldn’t approach them, they would just regress while they need to better themselves.
In the end the result is that I should stay alone as much as possible, I should stop being a burden on people, or pulling them down and make them as pathetic as I am.
Your friends will put you in awkward situations, asking for services or forcing you to refuse their invitations.
Getting a girlfriend is roughly the same ordeal, only a girl delusional about herself would want to be with me. A nice girl happy to stay at home will find a nice guy, she doesn’t need a permanently sulking self hating ugly arsehole that calls other people “trash”.
I’m about to be a jabroni, this is going to be the most difficult time in my life, after the “great depression” era (pun pun, eh). I should be able to ask for the gov’s welfare bux, but for how long, and how will I survive with that, that’s another question. I hope I won’t be homeless, as I won’t live long in the wild, maybe I should look for a place in a very small villages far away from where I live, just so I can afford to live there, but then the chance to encounter a job will be even slimmer which wouldn’t help my case.
I chose the field of translation, the issue is that my native language is not top tier, my second language is not top tier, the filed is filled (eh), and the pay is shit regardless, unless (eh) you are a very specialised guy, and I got no specialisation what so ever.
My real goal is to get an office position without using the translation part of my degree but using my English skill, things that turns out to be quite hard to find, especially in my area.
This is adding to the friend and girlfriend part, of course they could help me, but do I really want to be leeching from someone else? I’m leeching off my parents, and this is already a terrible situation, I don’t want to repeat it, I would be fine leeching of the government for a while, but that’s not sustainable (else everyone would do so and the system would be in shambles in “un lustro”, dat Spanish though).
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I know I’ve committed a mistake, but for my own sake I have to pretend as if I’m in the right, but let us not talk about it.
Artifact is a very mysterious game, there is a release date in 46 days as I’m writing these lines, and yet the closed beta, but not as closed the one ongoing right now, hasn’t yet started. A beta which beta keys sell for 100 up to 150 dollars as far as I know, people may have paid for these keys quite foolishly since they’ll be playing less than 2 months and may have to still pay for the game, there is also still the possibility that a tons of keys will be distributed for said beta.
The other mysterious aspect is the actual price of everything, we had this discussion today twitch chat, a guy in the VIP current beta, and I. That streamer was saying how the draft mode will be expensive (we were talking from 5 to 15 a draft) and how the whole game will be more of a hobby and a real investment as is Magic the physical game than what is Hearthstone.
Which leads to even more questions, what modes will be available in the game?
If you are familiar with the hearthstone’s sub reddit you should have read how much people complain about the lack of “mode” in hearthstone, and how magic the gathering arena have so many modes, how every card game have so many modes etc, and how the big tournament mode abortion is a total fiasco from Blizzard, YET we have no idea what kind of modes you’ll have in Artifact beside “constructed” “draft” and “tournament”, modes that are as mysterious for the following reasons:
- Constructed, people mentioned the absence of a ladder, but a system of elo, that sounds inconceivable in the current state of multiplayer video games right now, at least to me. Also magic the gathering arena has put a system of ladder that you have to pay to access, but you can pay with ingame currency and you get packs as rewards even going 0/3, will artifact as any kind of ingame currency? Apparently not, but you can never rule any surprise out, especially with the hard NDA they’ve put on the beta. (I learnt that those guys aren’t being paid to play, so they are “pros” but living off their own resources, which is not compatible with a full time job, and they can’t stream… I know that one is a millionaire, and one is well off, but still… a bit awkward from Valve, ready to put so much money with a 1 million tournament, yet not able to pay beta testers. Allowing them to stream would have cast away potential streamers that don’t have yet access to the beta, since they would start so far away viewers base wise, but it would have created a nice little income for the current players… whatever).
- Draft: what is the entry cost, what are the “rewards” or what do you “keep”, 5 dollars one draft if you compare to Hearthstone is absolutely bonkers, in Hearthstone it cost 2 dollars BUT most play for free this draft mode. Someone told me that they are not aiming at the HS crowd, bold move from Valve, and a lie at the same time, of course they are since HS has been so big for some years and may be declining or hitting a plateau, and bold in MY eyes since I’m not sure how much Magic has been making with their physical and virtual versions. (I’m not counting yu gi oh and pokemon, and I don’t know about other cards games).
- Tournament: same interrogation as with the potential one for Hearthstone, are those automated tournament a la sc2, or is this a “custom tournament” maker? With pick, drafts, boX integrated, sets restrictions, etc.
I think (or want to think rather) that this streamer had no real ideas of the game cost and modes, and that no one knows beside Valve’s employees, it could go in different directions.
And contrary to what a guy said it is not “brainless” to think in one direction or another, HS gives access to a lot of things for “free”, magic arena beta seems to have a bigger “f2p” aspect than ever, that’s for card games, but for Valve’s game themselves we got two mastodons:
- Counter strike is pay once play for free for ever, “buy” access to some seasonal maps.
- Dota 2 (ding dong, Artifact’s “mother”) is totally F2P you can only invest in some cosmetics and esports viewing things.
So not only digital card games competitor are F2P or going this way, but even the company’s other game is F2P, why would Artifact be so different, I can see reasons why doesn’t make some “fan theories” that much “brainless”.
Unless I’m missing some clear Valve’s official messages, I think those would have been relied by lots of people now, Internet's rules tell a lie and it gets debunked faster than asking for the fact itself!
Maybe I should end on that: Valve’s communication has been weird, as usual with video games companies these days.
I’m not aware of the marketing trend and strategies, I could see how this build the hype, keep people on their toe, give a huge surprise aspect, allow them to think until the last moment, but PERSONALLY I hate it, I’d rather have lots of informations, not expecting something I don’t want to invest into, or play.
Blizzard is doing the same with hearthstone, poor communication, always mysterious.
I think in this day and age we should have a Community Manager keeping us updated on what they think about the issues players are facing and interrogations rather than make mysterious messages from time to time, it would get exhausting but maybe worth it.
Or maybe I’m asking too much, and don’t realize the numbers of messages that circulate each day everywhere, and the time between a decision and the announcements.
I think that artifact won’t have a grinding systems for the cards at ALL which is quite sad to me, if they don’t have a grind aspect for the game modes that’s going to be a complete no I believe.
A part of me want it to be a good competition to HS and a nice new game, and another part of me want it be “decent” but a complete let down compare to what HS is (tired of this HS bashing and artifact fan boyism based on a company that is quite silent about everything, 46 days away from the “release” or so the sub reddit says…).
If you have a beta key, don’t waste it on me, I might play one or two complete random game and be so bad at the game you won’t get any feedback from me ever, I won’t sell it though (may offer it to a “friend” that won’t sell it either…).
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My school has gone crazy.
I don’t know if you’ve read this part on my blog, but I’m studying translation, and thanks to this specialisation I’ve had Interpretation classes, but let me tell you how introductory that was rather than solid.
In my English class we would listen to an audio recording in full, then listen to it again by little segments, and we would repeat the small 1-3 seconds long segments and try to translate them. I think this method is a good way to introduce student to interpretation, but this is none of the two method of translation that exist (simultaneous interpretation, when you hear the translation as the speech is going on, and consecutive interpretation, when you listen to the whole sentence then translate it, hard on the memory this one). I think that we should have dropped the first listening and go directly with small segments, avoiding as much as possible to repeat them, this would have been closer to what interpretation is.
Of course we had another issue, the amount of students, with only some of the class being able to answer in time, but you can answer in your mind as fast as you can, since in interpretation you’ve close to no time to think.
We had 12 classes of one hour and a half each of translation from English, and then 12 other classes of one hour and a half of translation into English.
The interpretation school the most famous in my country last 5 years, and one student that had the best possible grades last year was accepted in year 0 (preparatory year to the five years), needlessly to say our levels was close to none, still a good introduction class I guess.
The same principle than in written translation apply: you are supposed to translate into your native language.
This year though things went crazy, crazy fast.
We got something like 6-8 classes of one hour and a half of translation from English, but here is the thing (keep reading the crazy part will soon arise), we spent some of those classes NOT practising a single minute, instead we had people talking to us about a subject and one class spent looking at words.
But what do we have this class again this year, since we are getting specialised and should stop wasting time doing introductory classes?
BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO BE INTERPRETOR FOR HALF A DAY EACH ONE OF USE!
I should be thrill to have this opportunity, but I’m sensing a kind of fiasco plan, first of all around 30 persons will be present and only 5 of them will speak our language (the one we are translating into).
Secondly, these person have been meeting with the others twice already and had no issue (understandably since this is a European mission, and everyone speaks English…).
We also don’t know if we’ll have to translate sentence after sentence, one block at a time, or simultaneously.
The rest of my class practised for one hour and half, but I had another class schedule at the same time, so I missed this part.
Of course we are getting a grade during this half a day of interpretation.
So my class is going to be graded after roughly 2 hours of practice of interpretation, and this is in a professional setting, with people expecting real interpretor, and we are mostly useless since we are going to translate to people already speaking the two languages.
This is a big mess, and this is the kind of bullshit my degree is about: doing small drops of stuff here and there in the hope that this introductory steps will turn into Hercules feats on the student part. Which would be alright if I wasn’t feeling the laziest I’ve been in the last 3 years…
I was hoping we would be focused on less things, and going deeper into them, instead we are still doing many things, just a little from each, I don’t know how studies are for others, but this not what I was expecting at all…
Maybe I’ll tell you about the “lexicon” we are building, another drop into the ocean, which will only serve the most studious student, quite a tedious thing… stay tune.
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The lexicon.
Part two of my school has gone crazy (don’t know how many parts long this will be).
As we are studying translation and we are in a Master degree, the usual work people ask you to do is a “mémoire”, which is a fancy word (in my program’s case), to describe a “huge” work revolving around one subject and being a “specialisation”.
In my University, in languages, you got to translate from English, and into English, doing one the first semester of each year, and the other the second semester, which is perfectly normal, even though the “into English” is:
1) what we are not suppose to ever do professionally ever (but some still ask you to do it)
2) a good step higher on the difficulty ladder of translation, which lead to a question “shouldn’t we keep that for later during the program?”, and create the awkward situation of getting easier subject and some questions that aren’t even translation in the translation class…
We usually do the “from” English the first semester, and the “into” English on the second semester, once again this isn’t completely stupid, as you’ve more knowledge during the second semester, theoretically. But maybe we could have had both class at each semester, making the degree revolving more around translation than it was, but the degree isn’t fully about translating and it has to be quite open about the subjects studied…
In this master degree, that I made the ominous mistake of joining, as moronic and foolish as ever, the teacher responsible decided to have the “into English” during the first semester, I don’t completely understand the logic behind this yet, and probably never will.
The idea behind this “mémoire” is to get a lexicon in our “baggages” that make us “specialist” of one thematic.
Because you see in the world of translation, only the specialised translator find work nowadays, translating patent or highly specialised subject, you don’t have “random” or “exhaustive” translator, HELL here is another bad news for me: I’ve witnessed it during my internship in a translating agency, the translators didn’t have a translator degree at all, they had a specialised degree (chemistry, engineering, physics, etc.).
About literary translators, I guess that is a specialisation in itself, but whatever they don’t find jobs either, this is a dead end path for most, unless you are the absolute best, and even the average one are already freaking perfect, without being paid much, and/or without much job security.
But let’s go back to the matter that matters (eh).
To find the “specialised” words to add in our lexicon, we had to first pick a theme, and then find series about said subject to WATCH (not just look at the subtitles, as I did to earn lots of times) and HOPE to encounter a total of 200 words about your initial thematic.
But the series they use only some specialised words, then they use them again, or they use a new one or two per episode, this is just too tedious and time consuming.
The result is 200 words, a drop in the ocean of what make someone a specialist of a theme.
Hypothetically making you a specialist in a theme such as “jails”, “drugs”, “love”, so hardly anything you are going to find jobs with.
And if you pick a theme without enough occurrence, you are screwed, you are better off finding the series and picking your theme according to it rather than the opposite.
Also this is assuming you have access to series, of course there is Netflix, what if your serie is on HBO (that you can’t watch vods from in my country, even if you pay for it…), or another service, or what if you aren’t watching series every day so you never invested in Netflix…
Also this is assuming you are learning the 200 words, which isn’t that easy and we are completing classes after classes, we’d have to find time to do it.
I think that this exercise is very naive, and done in the worst conditions possible, it is not efficient and won’t make use specialist of anything, and even we were to watch at x1.5 speed this is highly time consuming.
We are studying two languages, and we got to do something similar in the other language, but this time it got worse.
The teacher asked us (as delusional as he is) to find the words this time in texts (YAY!?) BUT they have to be already translated, this little detail makes it impossible to find texts in both languages, even less possible to have something with a recurrent theme, and even less possible (that’s the only possible thing, eh) to find a 100 words specialised about one theme.
Those teachers have diplomas, the first one is even speaking at least 4 languages fluently, and yet they give so stupid work to do, in so stupid conditions.
The idea is great, the execution is tedious, inefficient, overall stupid.
You want to know the best thing? Apparently we are doing something that easy (beside finding the stuff we aren’t translating anything….) because the previous years students had a real task and the results were horrendous.
During the first three years we were supposed to be specialised in Economics and Sciences, we had only one real assignment about sciences in three years for one language, and basically none of it in the other language, and our knowledge in economy is rather basic…
Stay tune for part three where I explain to you the absence of future this degree offers (and you’ll get to understand why I chose it, lots of mistakes at the same time).
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The one good thing, and all the bad things about this degree.
My school has gone crazy part three.
If this is the first message you are reading from me, you have to know that I’m studying translation, and I’m in a Master degree.
Let’s start straight away with the most positive point of this program:
We are getting our hands on SDL Trados Studio, lots of money spent to get the licenses, and we are using pretty much all the functionalities.
YOU shouldn’t know what this mean, right?
SDL Trados Studio is THE software use to translate text, on both sides clients and translator, some of the files you are getting and you have to send are only working with Trados, and the licence is around 700 euro for a translator, and 2500 for a company, yes that’s right your working tools are around 700 euro without counting the computer and your internet connection, I think this is something close to being evil, and I hope there is a way to work properly as a translator without paying so much money (reminder that lots of the offers to work as are freelance and for a low salary…).
Some translators apparently prefer other software, some of which are free, which is a good news, and maybe we should work a bit on them at my Uni too, but time is finite, and working on Trados is already something HUGE.
But that exceptional thing is pretty insignificant in comparison of all the bad of this degree.
First of all, no one seems to know what are the specialisations for the second year, one teacher said “subtitling or specialised translation”, while another said “films production or subtitling”.
Which lead to one issue, being either big or HUGE, subtitling is a dead field, with close to no work, working conditions are shit, pay are shit, jobs opportunities are scarce, and that’s if you are excellent at it, not even average or “good”.
So why do they offer such subject as the major of the degree? I don’t know.
I naively thought that “media” would mean translating various formats “websites, songs, films, texts, applications” etc. How WRONG of me, it means “subtitling”, pure and simple.
The second specialisation, “production”, feels even more fishy, we have small drops/introduction to cinematic production and somehow this get a real specialisation in second year (I call total bullshit…)
Another fuck up I’ll randomly throw here before reaching another abyssal issue.
We are supposed to study a third foreign language, at a very modest level, up to a good understanding (reaching B1-B2 euro level after 5 years), but people jump from one option to the other, join later on so they have to start over, resulting in a grand total of 3 students out of 20 being in the 4th level class in the 4th year, and thank god they fucked up because I haven’t put enough work and I have a terrible time learning anything new… the fuck up is they don’t have enough students and teachers, so they grouped all levels into the same class, instead of being in year 4, we got year 2-3-4-5 in the same group, I admitted having a very bad level, but the others did worse, they lied about their theoretical level in order to get an easier class (thank god again, but how stupid, not doing our best…).
The other big fuck you in this degree: communication…
OMFG they are so bad at this, we never know in which room we are, so we have to ask, and they still haven’t told us about the internship of THIS year and the apprenticeship of NEXT year.
I’ll have to ask them this week or next week, last year I had an internship and I miraculously find something quite fast, but this year I don’t know the goal (no jobs in translation = no internships either), and some people did not find one, or found one at the last minute, if I could avoid such stress this year, that’d be great.
About the apprenticeship, only ten persons out of twenty found one this year in the second year of the degree, no jobs offers, some aren’t doing full time translation, the program gives you the alternative of finding one internship instead since no one is finding a contract…
Someone read about the classes before signing up (because apparently, I do use this word a lot sorry, the rest of my class didn’t read the classes’ program, I didn’t either, we are so bad and stupid…) and there was mention of a specialisation that we aren’t getting, noting is clearly written, nothing is being said to us, and we are just getting less hours each year, and some random stupid class that don’t teach anything at all.
But yeah, they know people have a hard time finding an internship, and they are taking their sweet sweet time for something that should start in now 4 and a half months (4 months, the main teacher isn’t there and we are getting a 2 weeks break…).
As I’m in a terrible state mentally these days, I’m not really studying, I’m not really trying, I’m not really asking what I should ask, and I don’t want to do another degree, or keep going in the translation field, so I’m not looking at something better for next year, I’m looking at jobs, and this is my next post: my inability to get a job (with a very optimistic part, don’t think this will my usual whining, only 75% whining this time )
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My inability to get a job.
First let’s start by something you have to keep in mind: It’s not because you get rejected at every basic job, that you can’t get a “nice” job in a very big company, it’s a matter of who is giving you a chance, don’t base your worth on the rejection, you are probably able to function and complete a decent job, you are just lacking the opportunity to do so.
I’m in my mid twenties, and I have only 5 months of work worth of experience, this is terrible, I should have 4-5 times this amount, or something going all year long time 7, I have excuses, they are bad, they are more like explanation of you end up in this situation.
First my parents were thinking very high of me, and thought I shouldn’t do a basic “shitty” job, especially if I didn’t need the money. Living at home, I didn’t need a salary.
First year at 18, first summer, that had been the excuse, and me better go to England for three weeks to learn English rather than work (and my mom was sick too…).
At 19 I completed an internship, I had the opportunity to work this same summer, but the day after I accepted to work I got some extreme fatigue (a girl rejected me, maybe that was it… pathetic), so I refused the job.
At 20 I spent the summer trying to get my theory part of the driving Licence, I had already failed 3-4 times, by one point three times, and two points once… so I didn’t work (I could have done both obviously…).
At 21 I had been working “hard” in a program I should have never joined, I got burnt out and took the summer to “rest” (or so my parents say, I don’t really remember why I didn’t work that summer, I remember getting my driving licence though, but that’s useless, read the third next paragraph...)
After this summer my anxiety and depression exploded, I did 2 months of missing half my classes and then spent the year at home, getting 35kg (100 pounds?) overweight, taking meds knocking me out in the morning, and trying to find a job, failing already, extensively, and trying to figure a plan for my future.
At 23 I was very fragile, I did try to find a job and didn’t find anything again.
Same at 24, tried really hard this time, got rejected, self esteem took a tool, I clearly realised how unemployable I was, my father got really sick as well, so I had to play the nurse role for 2 months, which was such an opportunity to stop applying to jobs as well...
At 25 I did my 3 months and a week internship, in a very big company, abroad, I had a normal office job for one, I should have try to get a permanent position and never leave, but I got home instead at the end of my contract, I then came back to France for one month before starting school, no real time to find a job, and not really worth it, also I wanted to rest a bit.
Now I have been looking for a student job, and I can’t find anything, cash register in supermarket, shelves filling in shops, working in some fast food, they all say no, they don’t really give a reason, I just know my resume is terrible… Also I can’t drive, this a phobia to me, I shouldn’t have gotten the licence, those people are irresponsible, I should practice more, but it put me in such a state, and it’s so dangerous, would damage the car so much… that’s not doable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be relaxed driving a car, but I live in an area where you need a car, especially to work, so that’s lots of opportunities I’m missing.
I should have either start studying English straight away, or stop after my science computing degree, I didn’t do anything during the second year so I have close to zero knowledge in science computing.
And I should have definitely stopped after my BA, this MA is another big mistake, I also should have try harder to find a job every summer of my life.
Half the people in my class have a job, it’s working in shops or babysitting, BA degree to have such job, the meme of needing a higher degree and experience isn’t a meme, it’s reality.
I’m a bit ashamed, I’ve been talking with a guy that didn’t have the chance to study after high school, and he explained to me how lucky I am, how much he would study and have an extraordinary situation were he I, and I know I’ve been wasting years, keep on wasting them, all of that for nothing.
I have 1% of hope, I got an exceptional review at my job, and I was doing 50-70% of what a regular employee was doing, I was working a bit of extra time to succeed, but still I could get an average office job, I know I could do the tasks, but first I need experience and I can’t even get it… Which leads to 99% of myself: hopeless to find a job, not even sure I’ll get an internship this year, and pretty sure I won’t have an apprenticeship next year (if I even complete this year, which seems unlikely right now).
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Commitment.
I don’t know if it’s a side effect of my “easy” childhood (as the memes say), or a side effect of Depression, or maybe it’s another kind of disorder, but I severely lack commitment in my life.
Be it stopping after 30 seconds, 5 minutes, half an hour for activities, or a day or two for studying, hobbies etc. I never commit to anything.
Not for fun, not for practice, not to help my cause, I don’t really quite stick to anything, even my friends I take break from them quite often.
I also forget so easily what I “learn”, barely managing to learn for the exam, then forgetting about it, sometimes forgetting even before that.
I’ve put lots of hours into some grammar, that I don’t remember nowadays.
Same with the conjugations, in two different languages, what a joke.
It makes it even harder to commit to anything, since I don’t get better at things.
I can’t figure things on my own, can’t figure a method, can’t learn principles, can’t practice.
Last year I poured roughly 80-100 hours of practice into one activity to not even get a passing grade, hell to get one of my worst grade during the last three years, daily practice for three months straight to not get anything.
That’s what commitment gives me, and what my brain can achieve.
Knowing that committing to difficult things (to me, easy to most) and getting barely nothing in return, has lowered my will to take anything seriously enough, in my gaming as well, in my creative outlook as well.
I also find series and films too much of a commitment to get through them.
My reading is very slow, and getting shorter than the previous years as a result of not finding the motivation to dedicate time to it.
Maybe I’ll write more about this subject another day, I wanted to share something a redditor wrote to another one about “fetishizing your sadness”, it resonated with me.
[quote] It means that you have transformed your misery in a fundamental aspect of your >identity and anything and everything that happens in your life is gonna be somehow >linked to that. It is gonna become impossible to differ between what is truly a hardship >from what you are deciding to see as such, because pain has settled within yourself to >the point that things would not make any sense if it was not present, so you will inflict it >upon yourself to return to the only state of familiarity that you know: being miserable. >The term "fetishizing" is used in a harsh, accusatory, pejorative way, blaming the >characters for perpetually watching their lives through the blackest prism, but the truth >is they just do not know any better than to do so. Furthermore, fetishes are often >believed to be shameful and obscene in nature, because such random, nonsexual items >PRODUCE intense satisfaction, whereas people that are accused of "fetishizing" sadness >are just sheltering themselves ("if i fuck myself up, no one else will"). |/quote]
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As expected I’m not ready yet, far from it, and the event is in two days.
I’ll also have some extra interpretation to do since my group is now signed up for another chunk, 3 more hours of it…
I’m also weirdly fatigued so I won’t practice much for today.
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Also another thing about this little translation assignment, they put me as an Italian speaker as well, but in truth Italian is my third foreign language and I’m completely shit at it… There will be some Italians whose English is apparently not top tier, I hope they don’t ask me anything.
Blizzard announced the Hearthstone nerfs, and they done goofed it seems like.
I wished Blizzard would patch the game like Valve does with DotA 2 a.k.a buff and nerf tons of stuff!
You’d think that a digital card game would benefit from the lack of printing so they could do whatever they want, bur turns out they have to sell and are afraid of taking risks.
Another card game doing goof: Artifact, they announced a release date, and yet one month and a half away there is no word on the beta that they also announced, they could be tight on time, but then why announce a release date, and if they aren’t tight on things, why not just release the beta, just don’t give extra keys.
The lack of communication just make things very mysterious with both games.
On Artifact we still are pretty much in the dark against the modes and even the economy could have some surprises…
On Hearthstone, they did not speak about the quest rogue, about the druids in general, they did nerf some hot topics such as the aviana combo, mana wyrm, and giggling inventor.
Both my parents tell me that I look exhausted, and one teacher asked me if I sleep well, I do wake up constantly at 3 am then fall back asleep, I then wake up randomly again around 4-5-6 am then fall back asleep a little until my alarm rings (I wake up pretty late in general, around 7 am with alarm, 9 without it). Maybe it’s wearing me down, could explain the bit of fatigue I had today, it’s been going one for some weeks now…
I also have some pains in my fingers/hands, near my elbow, and sometimes I feel like I’m falling from my chair, but I think most of these things are due to caffeine and computer, nothing to worry about? I think I’ve been using my earphones too much as well, as my right ear is often hurting after a while.
I’m also tired of my staircase wit, I’d call that a syndrome at this point, this makes interactions insufferable.
I should dedicate my time to learning, I just need a little push of motivation to try a new routine, and then maybe it will stick? Who am I kidding, routines never stick, and this motivation never happens, I couldn’t even find motivations to get into a nice game like Chess or Go/Baduk, hell I’m not even playing much of hearthstone which is the perfect game for me since you can be average and still feel like a king…
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I don’t deserve any friends.
Some people try to be friendly to me, or straight up befriend me, this is naive from them.
Not only will I never help you, but even if I’d wanted I couldn’t really do much.
What could I be in their life is a leech, just as I leech on my parents without contributing anything serious.
I’m a parasite, I’ll never be an independent entity.
People think I have the best intentions and I’m just waiting for a friendly person to come along, they are wrong, I happily distance myself from everyone, watching them from afar and hating on them at every occasion I get.
What happen when I’m “friend” with someone?
I overshare details of my life, ignore everything they say, and spend my time doing the same that what I’m doing with this blog a.k.a whining endlessly about every single aspect of my life. I have a roof, clothes, food, free time spent on internet, and yet I dare complain about it all… pathetic.
Then I eventually drop all contact with them.
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101 flaws & red flags
0. In my mid twenties, I still don’t have a job.
1. In my mid twenties, I still live at my parents’.
2. In my mid twenties, I never had a girlfriend before.
3. In my mid twenties, I don’t have much friends.
4. I don’t have a good relationship with my family.
5. I don’t drive.
6. I have never left my continent.
7. I’m overweight and don’t exercise.
8. I’m co-dependent.
9. I have insecurities about my appearance.
10. I don’t actively try to get a job.
11. I binge drink or eat.
12. I don’t groom well.
13. I have spent money irresponsibly.
14. I’ve let a dog die because of my stupidity.
15. I’ve broken things on purpose.
16. I get mad at video games.
17. I over share.
18. I obsessed about imaginary conversations.
19. I’m manipulative.
20. I’m a liar.
21. I’m the “forever victim”.
22. I use people.
23. I don’t communicate.
24. I have gaps in my resume.
25. I’m immature.
26. I need to feel needed.
27. I’m an attention whore.
28. I’m a vicious individual only acting to serve my purpose.
29. I’m not up to date with technology, the news, or anything like that.
30. I’m racist.
31. I’m lazy.
32. I’ve bullied someone in my past.
33. I’ve faked illness before.
34. I have some addictions.
35. I don’t have any hobby.
36. I’m not creative.
37. I have difficulties learning and/or memorising.
38. I take the easy way.
39. I’m a misogynist.
40. I don’t want to get better.
41. I got cognitive issues.
42. I’ve been creepy.
43. I’ve self harmed.
44. I’ve cheated on exams, the law, in games.
45. I’m not funny.
46. I have no culture.
47. I don’t listen to music.
48. I don’t go to the cinema.
49. I don’t watch series.
50. I don’t watch nor read the news.
51. I smoke when I get the chance.
52. I have verbally abused people before.
53. I’ve nearly sexually harassed someone before.
54. I compare myself to others.
55. I’m nosey if not right down a pervert.
56. I’ve pushed people under the bus (figuratively).
57. I don’t take responsibilities for my acts or words.
58. I don’t want kids.
59. I don’t want to go outside.
60. You can’t trust me.
61. I’m a slacker.
62. I’m ungrateful.
63. I project.
64. I’m a Scrooge.
65. I don’t share.
66. I like to brag.
67. I don’t know boundaries.
68. I’m uncaring.
69. I’m tactless.
70. I’m shallow.
71. I’m selfish.
72. I have stolen before.
73. I peaked in high-school.
74. I hate on some religions.
75. I belittle people.
76. I feel superior while
77. I have an inferiority complex.
78. I’m greedy.
79. I’m envious.
79. I’m jealous.
80. I’m self centered.
81. I am self destructive.
82. I’m delusional.
83. I’m slightly insane and irrational.
84. I ragequit quite often.
85. I can’t take a joke.
86. I’m never satisfied.
87. I’m a whiner.
88. I’m a pussy.
89. I’m slightly homophobic.
90. I’m slightly trans-phobic.
91. I don’t care about the environment enough to act.
92. I’m a burden financially on my family.
93. I’m dependent of the system.
94. I fetishises my sadness.
95. I’m mediocre.
96. I’m always confused.
97. I do disgusting things.
98. I wished death on some people.
99. I’m toxic.
100. I’m a contrarian.
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If you can’t handle failure, don’t even try.
Not everyone is capable of handling constant rejection and failures.
For most you can distinguish three big categories:
- The “not that much failures”, obviously if whatever you are trying pretty much always work out, you don’t have much to worry about.
- The “I don’t care”, these persons are, somehow, not affected by the aforementioned failures and rejections, they can stomach as many as ever and will never flinch.
- The “I built up resistance to it”, this is another big group, just like the big ones, of people who managed to get acclimated to some failures and rejections here and there, but that thanks to a very solid mental, and maybe some wins, have since got over the hurdles and pain that mistakes lead to.
Unfortunately, I’m part of a fourth group (I’m not sure how many profiles there are out there…), the group of people that never learnt how to cope with rejections and failures.
Side effect, or not related perk, I grew a fear of rejections, it’s deeper than not handling them, it’s doing everything not to get to face any rejections.
In the field of relationship, this is pretty easy to do, just do not try and reject people that get to close before they get a chance to reject you.
In the field of your studies, it gets trickier as you have to push your limits every time a little bit higher.
In the field of your career, this is pretty much unavoidable, as one can’t live without a job, one has to apply and get rejections after rejections handled to them.
The simplest defence mechanism you can adopt, is to gather all the reasons not to do something, and just focus on them, ignoring the reasons why you should try something.
Let’s take dating from example, here is why I shouldn’t even try:
In the street, not the place (that one I do agree with).
In the transports, not the place (that one I also agree with).
At University, people are here to study, or to befriend others, not to create some weird ass situations of knowing you are attracted to them.
At your workplace, don’t shit where you eat, again awkward situations and more serious stuff.
In your hobby, people are here to take part in the hobby not to find a partner.
At the pub or club, people are here to have fun with their mates, or relax, not a place to ask anyone’s numbers and ruin their night.
Online dating, your message is a spam and not interesting enough, and who are you to dare thinking you are enough to anyone, don’t bother.
If she answered you online, she is not interested, she got others answer from guys, she doesn’t know what she is looking for, this is pointless as well.
Let’s take the example of friendship:
They won’t invite you, they will do everything in their power to never mention an event in front of you so as not have you join them.
They won’t answer to your suggestions.
They will cancel on you, a month before, a week before, the day before, the same day, an hour before, three minutes after the time, they will cancel.
They will only invite you when you can’t come, and then use that as an example of why you never meet up, it’s never simple.
They’ll want to do off line stuff all the times, or play a certain game, they’ll never be do according to you, it just never works out.
Let’s take the example of trying to find a job:
Your resume is never enough, degree is wrong, not enough experience, not available enough.
Even for a student job you need 1 year of experience.
Even when they say “beginner”, they will refuse you for someone with more experience.
There is always an excuse not to try something, to avoid disappointments and that terrible feeling you got when someone rejects you or you fail at something.
Some people have indirect fears of failure, if you are on teamliquid you probably know about “ladder anxiety”, you get the same from rejections and failures, the same shivering and sweating and everything collapsing around you.
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So we did our first day of interpretation, turns out students are translating into English as well because else we are completely useless, I translated for 3 minutes total, I hope it’s the same tomorrow, useless stuff.
There was this woman that either didn’t recognise me or kind of ignored me.
I’m getting tired way faster than before.
They want to “surprise” add 7 hours of classes on Friday, instead of us starting our break, I’m tempted to dodge these hours, but I don’t know if that’s wise...
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Headaches and feeling tired again.
Second day, I did not translate anything at all, it’s for the best with my shitty level anyway.
My mum is harassing me, always asking what I’m doing, if I’m alright etc. She does so every 10 minutes…
I’m thinking of trying to go hard on my Italian during the break, but will I have the motivation to do so?
I’m a great shame for my family and friends, I’m the unemployed retard, I had all the cards in hand and I’ve wasted it all, I’ll try to be someone decent, but that’s just not me, I’m a weak minded person, I have troubles learning, I’ve wasted my youth, and I can’t drive.
I have this weird train of thoughts when it comes to Weed in Canada, and about conservatives views in general, I’m more about being open minded and give more freedom, but I can’t seem to get concrete answer about the questions raised by the conservatives.
Maybe I should look for an honourable way out.
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What a shitty afternoon.
I spent nearly 7 hours at my uni and worked for only 1 hour or so. And I forgot one indication, so I ended up translating from one language into another one, which wasn’t the right one… I’m so stupid. Beside that I have some work for this break, kind of expected of course.
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my human nature getting the best of me
My manic episode seems to have passed, I'm alone and stupid again, ho well...
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/T4CIghn.jpg)
I guess we share memes now
Artifact beta has been announced for the 19th of November, that's a 9 days long beta.
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Some pains I should probably look into.
First my left elbow is hurting, it hasn’t passed with the night, I think either the muscles or tendons or something have been over used, I try to let it rest but I’m stubborn.
Second, my lower back. Every night just before going to bed it hurts, then it hurts while in bed, then the pain goes away in the morning, I don’t sit well and I have a cheap chair, I hope not to cause permanent damage, but again I’m stubborn so I repeat the same thing the next day.
My fingers hurt in my right hand (mouse hand), I think the mouse isn’t big enough, again something that I ignore.
My right ear hurts less than before, but I still have a weird pain when I listen too much to streams.
My right elbow sometimes hurts at night too, but that’s more rare.
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I got a story to write but no inspiration to do so.
I've worked a little on my Italian, I have to double down on that.
I have less acute pain but earlier during the day.
I'm trying to get back an old mmorpg account, if I do so I could grind some stuff for sometimes before hitting the "pay to continue" wall.
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I’ve been working on my Italian, making small progress, I’ll try to keep on working on it, but my break is nearly over and I’ll have lots of classes again.
Caught some street fighter yesterday, I’ve always wanted to start this game, I even tried to play with my keyboard, but it’s horrible, I feel like the special pad is a must to have the real experience, and at the very least I’d need a controller. Now that I’m hurting more and my reflexes have always been bad that might have turned into a game I’ll never played ever as well.
You can’t play everything, you have to make choices, life is a question of hours and minutes, time is precious.
I could catch the last game of the ASL final, that was pretty nice.
I also half watched the League of Legends semi final, where is Korea 
I’ve been trying to play a bit of chess again, but that’s a game I’ve never learnt and will probably never learn either. I guess the big tournament on twitch got me. I wonder how good is GO by correspondence, I like this option very much, I think I suggested it on hearthstone once. On hearthstone you got lots of turns sometimes, that’s true, but not as much as on GO.
I’m dreaming of a game with a correspondence mode in it, I would love to play like this, maybe for your next starcraft chess/card game/risk game or whatever blizzard, but that’s in 25 years after warcraft 4… I was serious about hearthstone, servers wise it’d be hell, but the game could have one, I hope another game will have such a feature (not Artifact, too rounds heavy I suppose…)
Blizzard fucked up the Korean Blizzcon stream, that is quite a shame… It’s almost like they are doing it on purpose, I guess this is all about money and rights, I hope they are at least getting the best out of it. Some members of the community sound pretty ungrateful as well “my language doesn’t have a stream, English only is fine!”...
We are officially a month away from Artifact, I hope there is an option to play for cheap, sounds unlikely, I hope the scene takes up very quickly and quite will be quite big, but that’s always hard to predict. I kind of need a new game to follow as a hobby (or maybe I should spend my time more wisely, and have less free time by finding a job… shh).
There will also be a Hearthstone announcement, but with their weird rotation system I think this one isn’t worth as much or something, sigh I try with this game but it’s hard to take it seriously, also the scene sounds dead (at least from what you can find on twitch).
Madrid sitting at the 8th place of la Liga that’s being comical, it was expected of them to be in a small slump after climbing so high in the recent years and losing Ronaldo, I wonder if I should pay more attention to football, I like the sport alright, I try to follow the premier league, maybe I should try to follow la Serie A and la Liga as well, that could be a way to practice my Spanish and Italian.
I have to find a way to evolve beyond what my parents taught me, I didn’t take that seriously enough and I’m turning into a white trash guy, my parents were just after some peasants like families and I should be in a way better situation.
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I’m trying to figure out how to enjoy something without trying to be very good at it since I’m not good at anything anyway.
It’s a weird thinking, it doesn’t really matter, it doesn’t have a drive to it, but I also have to accept my position, the one of a loser.
I’m spending my days refreshing reddit and twitch until I find something to watch, trying to learn my god damn Italian, and playing a bit of chess on the side.
Such is the life of the privileged guy that has a roof and dinner and leisure time at will.
I don’t deserve it, I’m being punished these days by some pains.
I’m still waiting on Artifact, but the business model is not for me, maybe I shouldn’t get interested in card games in the first place.
I have these teenagers dreams in my mind, like I could keep on living a neet life for ever, and maybe have a successful stream or making contents of any kind, of course I’m too lazy to even try to make content and with my brain and skills it wouldn’t be worth anything at all.
Some of the youth has been corrupted with making it big in sports, then with youtube and instagram, I’ve been stupid enough to get trapped in the twitch dream.
I have to come to terms with being talentless and stupid, I’ll be looking more intensively for a job as soon as I’m out of the degree. I think with my mind focused on the job all day I’ll be happier.
That’s if I find a decent job. Then I’ll spent my free time doing the same as right now I guess.
It doesn’t sound that much interesting, not sure why I should keep going on, to pay back my parents support through all these years I guess, they won’t die soon so I’ll have a reason to live for some years still, I shall reach a great level of emptiness around 40-50 years old.
Or I could stop being a burden on their finances and society as a whole...
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I was planning on studying, but I don’t have any motivation and my sibling is coming to visit.
They got some success and are still in some deep shit cause they are irresponsible.
My family is made of loser, we are white trash through and through.
At least my sibling has a job and has worked most of their life.
They are acting like some ass toward my parents, but this is another characteristic of this family: to never be in good terms with anyone.
I don’t even know the rest of my family, I have one uncle (we don’t really refer to him as an uncle, but as the “brother of”) I’ve never met and that’s basically it, the rest are distant cousins I’ll never meet or get to know, they were deemed at being “shit” by mum, she is quite shit her self and she doesn’t want to explain.
My parents always think negatively and pessimistic about everything.
They don’t always set their mind on things, so sometimes they will argue in both way or change opinion, often thinking of what never happens and will never happen, filling themselves with regrets.
When there is something “good”, they later use it as a tool to blame you and or criticize you.
My mum thinks negatively of her friends as well, and the only times she says good things about people it’s in a very delusional and baseless fashion, rendering the good statement null and void.
Maybe I picked up after them, or maybe the world and life is indeed trash.
I’ve trained my brain into thinking negatively so that I always see the bad sides of everything.
They never really had many friends, did sport while I was alive, or had any hobbies.
I’m a bit of the same, and I don’t think those things are that worth anyway, some people are bad and will always be, let them rot and go to an early grave, I’m obviously one of them.
My sibling situation is depressing, they did everything right and they are in a shitty situation, I don’t think I have any hope myself at this point.
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There isn’t any bread left, it’s cold inside, my coffee has gone cold, my body aches.
We don’t have anything to munch on, because biscuits will give us all diabetes.
I haven’t done anything today, I have absolutely no motivation.
Still that little whiny bitch not doing anything to get better, is it depression, is it retardness, no one knows, doesn’t matter anyway.
Waiting for tonight, tomorrow will be better...
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It's in the brain, it's not chemical, it's physical, the whole shebang, the whole low self esteem, self sabotage, whining, depression, lack of motivation, I'm not an alien, I'm an alternative human species, a subhuman kind, the filth of this world, people will hate seeing me in the streets, there is no fix, the fix is what I flee.
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Low motivation again today.
I did write one page and a half out of the five I'm being asked to write.
I haven't won a single chess game yet but it's fun I guess.
I haven't worked on my Italian in two days.
Body hurts a little less with a hoodie on I'm not too sure why.
I have some assignments to do, procrastinating it.
As I'm writing my body starts to hurt again...
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I've realised that I'm pretty disconnected from the world, maybe I should go further down under the radar.
I've also realized why I'm so empty: my goal was to get my degree, now that I have it it's complete. I never intended to do anything with it, it's time to work now, whatever job I can find with this useless thing.
I guess this my goodbye for now, let's delete this account.
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EPT![[image loading]](https://preview.redd.it/i4qvljcwc5t11.jpg?width=720&auto=webp&s=8e53793a00b51bf1fe38ec6c4239369180afc5dd)
