Hello, and happy holidays. It's been a very long time since I made any posts on Team Liquid, much to my dismay. I want to preface this by first apologizing for my poor and probably scatterbrained writing. Second, I want to say that Team Liquid is one of the greatest communities I have ever seen. Team Liquid has taught me more about games, politics, philosophy, religion, life, and any worthwhile topic than anything I can think of. No matter what I have been doing in my life, for three years now I have never ceased to visit this website. Thank you all for contributing to make this place what it is. Finally, I want to clear up how I feel about life; despite whatever I feel, think, and do; I truly do believe that life is something that is worth living; happiness is simply difficult to achieve when you don't know how to go about it. This blog is pretty depressing henceforth, and if you find self-pitying blogs like this boring then I don't waste your time reading this, but if you want to spread some holiday spirit and help me out a bit then cheers to you .
I suppose you could say I'm depressed, but only as far as general apathy is depression. Undoubtedly I was depressed awhile back, but I recovered from the worst of it. Now I am left with no sense of direction. I don't feel extremely sad, angry, and afraid of everybody, but I am left with confusion on what to do. I'm not sure if this is actually a thing in other people's lives, but not knowing how to live life feels worse than not having the motivation and strength to live it to me. When a person is asked what they like to do, you generally get some typical response, such as sports, an instrument, video games, reading, or something atypical but interesting nonetheless, but when somebody asks me what I like I just dodge the question or make a joke out of the question because I can't answer it. Here's a bit about me to help you put me into some sort of context I guess.
I am a junior in high school. Depression has not debilitated me so far as to hurt me academically; in fact, I have always done extremely well in school and have taken whatever my school has deemed the "hardest" classes. However, schoolwork feels like it takes me way too much time (more on that later). I have always been around video games; my older brother immediately caught onto them and I simply followed in his footsteps. I went from single player games to Runescape to Starcraft to a quick bout with DotA, but nothing has been sustainable for me. I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed playing games to a significant extent, but I have long since worn out that infatuation, and I honestly don't want to spend all my time playing games (not a knock against gaming, I just don't think it's for me). Despite my desire to move on, I find myself falling back to playing whatever game I see on my desktop whenever I am not doing schoolwork because I don't know what to do with myself when I have no immediate work to do. The saddest part to me though is that I keep playing games because games and solitude are all I have ever known. My parents never made me do out of school activities or pushed me to have friends, so I simply did not make friends or try out clubs, sports, or anything like that (for the record I do not hate my parents nor am I blaming them). I have two friends from the school district I used to go to, and everybody I go to school with now (for quite a few years at this point) is just somebody I talk to a bit at school and never see again. When I was younger other people made me very anxious, but nowadays I can talk to people without much difficulty, yet I find that since I can't relate to anybody (neither gamers nor anybody else), I never attempt to do things with others or talk to them outside the classroom.
In 8th grade I got hooked on Starcraft II, and for a long time it was a great experience for me, as it entailed goal-setting, strategics, mental focus, and a community that I felt I was a part of. Sadly I stopped being interested in the game by my sophomore year, but I decided that I would take this change positively by trying to fix my life. By this point I was no longer intimidated by others and thought I could finally make my mark on the world, and I started exercising, eating well, and doing a stellar job at school. I felt healthy and like I could make it wherever I wanted to. I realized though that I had the energy but didn't know how to spend it. I thought of anything, absolutely anything that I would enjoy doing when I was not working. My mind blanked. My life had shifted from video games and somewhat school to exercise and intensely school. If all I had done was fill in the personal part of that equation (the "me" aspect), I think I would have conquered myself once and for all. But this did not happen. I kept waiting for the world to make my move for me, and I got tired of my cyclic lifestyle of school, gym, homework, sleep, rinse and repeat. Once summer hit I lost my will to exercise (I was not making very much progress with shin splints every couple of weeks debilitating my runs), and with that went proper eating. But I didn't lose my academic spirit, as that was the only part of my life I wasn't failing at. I took a summer math course, and worked on 4 AP classes' summer assignments. Oh and I got a job. Great summer huh?
So my junior year began, and I wanted to maintain my grades, so I focused intensely on school. However, my AP classes require a lot more work than my previous classes, but I didn't want to do bad (or even a little bit worse), so I doubled or maybe tripled the time I spent doing homework just to maintain my GPA. I got the grades this semester for sure, but I was too mentally exhausted to do anything else. I went home and slept for 3 hours and spent the rest of the day doing homework. And that's how I've made it to now.
I don't know how to save myself from this hellhole I've dug myself into. I'm asking you guys here at Team Liquid for help because I think that the people on this website are generally quite intelligent and are people I can relate to well as far as having a gaming history goes. Christmas break is the only time I will probably have for a long time to sit down and think about what I can do to start living my life because I spend such an obscene amount of time doing work. If I knew what I wanted to do with my time I would absolutely have no problem accepting a decrease in my grades just to do that thing, but since I don't know what that thing is, I don't want to lack both grades and a personality when I start applying to colleges next fall. My question to you guys is this; how can I figure out what I enjoy? People tell me it's very easy; just go out and do stuff until you find something that clicks. That sounds great, but that doesn't resolve the problem for me of how to go about doing that. I don't have any friends to go out with and try something new, I don't know where to go to do the wonderful things these people refer to, and I don't know what things to be trying since I really don't think I have any interests. My lack of experience has made me an uninteresting person, and this causes me to be uninterested I think, but where can I go to gain life experience? I've spent countless hours with myself trying to figure this out, but to no avail. I've seen many people suggest to brainstorm anything you might like at all and work from there, but every time I do my lists consist of blanket statements like "I want to make the world a better place." I've also seen many people confused at how somebody could possibly not have any interests, surely you must, what do you do in your free time? My free time consists of me listening to some music and browsing the web (or maybe playing a game for a few hours out of sheer boredom).
Maybe you're asking why I'm posting this on the internet, and a gaming forum at that, and truthfully I don't know, but I do know my that life can't proceed like this, and that I'm clueless on how to fix it. I don't know how to seek somebody out and not embarrass myself; the thought of baring my soul in front of another person horrifies me honestly; if anything it hurts my laughable sense of pride. Every time I think about this question I feel like some self-righteous asshole who can't find anything better to complain about than "a lack of passion." Maybe you think I'm just some weird guy who's so far removed from reality that his sole activity in life is passivity. I don't know why I've let my life crumble to such a sorry state, but I can't change the past. I am certain that friends will come once I have a personality and something to talk about, and I don't lack the motivation to fix my life for the better. Just how can I do it? It is simply impossible for me to feel good nowadays, and I feel as if I'm suffocating as a result of my stagnancy and lack of sense of self.
As a final note, I'm not expecting anybody to list an activity and me to go "omg I've figured out what I was meant to do." Nor am I expecting anybody on the internet to do little more than offer some advice, but honestly I think that's all I need. A way to vent, reflect, and hear some fresh ideas in an anonymous environment. Thank you to anyone who chooses to spend their time helping me.
Tl;dr: I'm asking for advice on how someone without any life experience or interests can find out what his interests are, and not a person who needs the motivation to do these things.
Pay attention to #4, if you don't know anyone in the community.. start doing it. You say homework takes up too much of your time, find something else and work on time constraints.
You're a nobody, so it doesn't really matter what you do. Since you know nobody, nobody will care. So experiment.
SteelSinger, while I do agree that those points are true, I think they are too generic... He gave us a lot of information about himself, and gave us a lot to work with.
To you Flying Potato... I've been in situations in the past that can well relate to what you are feeling. And the first thing I will tell you, this is not something that will fix itself overnight with a good idea. The first step is have a positive attitude and look like a happy person. You're still in school, you're lucky, you are surrounded by lots of people every day. When you look clean, active, and not look down on things for being dumb or uninteresting to you (I have done this in the past when people harp on about Hockey, clothes, etc)... The image that gives off to people, I dunno man, you don't want to be friends with that. It's very important being able to be nice, polite, laugh when something is funny, and deep-down understand what people are saying. It's easy to think that everyone around you is wasting their time thinking about unimportant things, and while to an extent I'd say it's true, you should put in some effort to actually give peoples' ideas a little benefit of doubt instead disagreeing and keeping quiet. I think that's the big thing, it requires a change in mentality, and then you'll look happier, you'll look more social, you'll be more approachable, and you will become more open.
You need that level of openness to be able to talk to people without actually having a task you are trying to accomplish. This is an important step in making friends that are there to stay, which it seems like you may lack currently. When you open up like that, to people who are not there for "business", but instead enjoy life with. When you work on group projects with classmates, and you start talking, you're much likelier to talk about more personal things. Then before you know it, you might be discussing SC2 or Dota with them, and they'll seem like a cool enough guy. And it goes from there, as your circle of people you actually know slowly grows to a nice group of people that you talk to it becomes pretty easy to say: "Oh, we all like SC2, anyone want to come have a little party and watch this tournament?" or maybe "weather is nice, anyone down for soccer?" or maybe just you and a friend playing a video game online.
Then one day you or your friend will mention (because you guys understand each other)... Hey, I heard the snow on the local mountain is really good, do you want to go together? I haven't been skiing in a while... And now you are likely to say yes if you somewhat like skiing. Even though you might have had this idea yourself when being a lone, you likely would not have acted on it if it wasn't for your friend. This way you can much easier explore different potential interests while learning new things in a much more natural way.
I don't have that much time to leave an extremely long message, so I'll leave it at that. Remember, this does take quite a few months, even a couple years, however you can see your "work" progress well. You are invited to more things, you aren't sitting by yourself in the corner, etc. I think that's pretty important.
Just wait till you go to college though haha. You sound like someone interested in science/math/engineering. If that is your route you will quickly learn you will be a lot more successful being independent haha.
Thanks for showing me these things, particularly the last link, but I'm not sure that they really address what I am trying to figure out. I may have come off as claiming special uniqueness because I suck at writing, and I know that I am the sum of my parts (which is almost nothing). What I'm asking is how do I experiment? How do i start being involved in the community? "Just do it" might be a great slogan, but right now I feel so dispassionate towards anything, or at least idealess. I know if I don't do something, then all I will ever do is nothing, and nobody gives a shit what I decide. Think if not that you were me, but in similar shoes. What would you do? What would the first step be in finding your interests, your potential? What would step two be?
Apathy, like a lot of things, is self-reinforcing. Like trying a new food whilst fully expecting to be disgusted, trying to find something you would like is something that rarely pans out if you don't expect to be entertained. You're concerned about this issue, you wouldn't be writing this blog if you weren't. That means that, on some level, you have a fear, a notion, a doubt that there is something out there for you to truly enjoy. So, step one, try to free yourself from that mindset, at least to some small degree. Most important part. Granted, controlling your emotions is an ungodly pain. Same problem people get when trying to design an educational video game; people know the game is trying to trick them into learning and so it doesn't work. You're going to have to find a sort of compromise between conscious control and indulging your emotions. Don't fret about failing, though, that's exactly what your problem is, worrying.
You also seem to be over-thinking things; you perceive a catch-22, but this is a "soft" catch-22. You aren't in a situation that's like, "I need to work out my leg to be able to move it but I can't move my leg until I work it out." Your situation is, "Since I have a lack of interestingness in my life, I don't have a social circle which makes it difficult to do interesting things but my lack of interestingness makes it difficult to get a social circle." So, solutions. Past a certain point, thinking about the problem over and over again isn't going to do anything. You need to think about the solution. Find your interest and reach out. You've got to make a social circle; having neglected your social life for as long as you have, people have drifted away. They've lost all ties with you. By now, you basically sit on a little island without any bridges or roads or stuff to connect you to other people. People aren't going to just "happen" into your life now that all the ways they would have done that are gone. So once you've found an interest, reach out. Assuming you've managed to free yourself from your fears and look at your chances in a more positive light, you should be able to find an interest. Once you've found that interest, it'll be like a bridge, connecting your little isolated social island to the rest of the world. You're still going to need to advertise it, though. It'll be a lot like a 5 star restaurant in the seedy part of town. It can be there, and it can be amazing, but the seedy part of town has been desolate for so long that nobody actually looks there anymore for good eats. So, advertise. Reach out. You started learning martial arts? Befriend your classmates! Learning guitar? So is everybody else! You like basketball now? Who doesn't? Then your problem will be solved. A social life, like apathy and a lot of things, is self-reinforcing.
@FiWiFaKi Good inference at the end, I am planning on majoring in engineering. About socializing; It's weird in a way, I don't walk around with the mindset of "why is everyone so interested in such stupid things?" Yet at the same time I'm not afraid of speaking to people, I just don't unless they start because I don't have a conversation to begin with them. There are many people I admire at school, both teachers and students, for their qualities and talents, and some that I talk with every day at school and I enjoy myself well enough. It's just that at the end of the day, they have things they're doing and... I don't. They do things because they know what they like and the only divide I sense between them and me is this. I just don't relate to people yet.
@AnachronisticAnarchy Thank you for understanding what I was trying to get at but didn't know how to say. I'm not sure that I go at things knowing I'll hate them, I just don't feel interested in them. Should I do things anyways, even if I think I won't like it or care for it? I agree that just listing things out is a self-defeating concept because I will just tell myself that that isn't for me, but how else do I figure out what I like? If nothing seems interesting to me, is that changeable?
Hello, i cannot tell you what you will like or love to do in the future, but i can tell you a couple skills that will be very good regardless of what you do in the future
1: programming knowledge 2: ability to write 3: ability to draw/design 4: knowledge on law 5: knowledge on financial matters 6: musical instrument/ dance 7: cooking
you dont have to like obtain a degree on all these things but knowing how to do any of this as a hobby will help you alot
Look into your local fencing club and try out beginner lessons (prices vary, some can be expensive some aren't). Fencing will challenge you both physically and mentally. It has the strategic depth and mechanical precision of Starcraft while forcing you into fantastic shape.
Or try rock-climbing. It's less competitive but still a great workout and requires real strategy as well. Either way, there'll be a community of people to expand your social network.
I'm not sure that I go at things knowing I'll hate them, I just don't feel interested in them. Should I do things anyways, even if I think I won't like it or care for it?
Yes. In retrospect you'll wonder why you were so reluctant to try things. Doing things feels good, man. Do things until you find things you want to keep doing.
On December 30 2013 13:10 Flying Potato wrote: @FiWiFaKi Good inference at the end, I am planning on majoring in engineering. About socializing; It's weird in a way, I don't walk around with the mindset of "why is everyone so interested in such stupid things?" Yet at the same time I'm not afraid of speaking to people, I just don't unless they start because I don't have a conversation to begin with them. There are many people I admire at school, both teachers and students, for their qualities and talents, and some that I talk with every day at school and I enjoy myself well enough. It's just that at the end of the day, they have things they're doing and... I don't. They do things because they know what they like and the only divide I sense between them and me is this. I just don't relate to people yet.
@AnachronisticAnarchy Thank you for understanding what I was trying to get at but didn't know how to say. I'm not sure that I go at things knowing I'll hate them, I just don't feel interested in them. Should I do things anyways, even if I think I won't like it or care for it? I agree that just listing things out is a self-defeating concept because I will just tell myself that that isn't for me, but how else do I figure out what I like? If nothing seems interesting to me, is that changeable?
@Smurfett3 Could you explain a little more?
Mother nature makes everyone go through hardships. It's just a period of your life (it could be 1 more week up to 10 more years) until you learn what her lesson to you is
@GGQ Let's say that I decided that I want to fence, and that I join a local organization to get started. How do I fit into a social group of people that has already been fencing for years? How do I relate to these people, who already know their likes and dislikes (well those will probably change a great deal, but they know them right now)? How do I go in there on day one and interact? If I was just somebody that wanted to learn it but hadn't spent my life just breathing in air, they would see me as a newbie, but I would still look like a person and be relatable to them because I have my own interests and hobbies to fall back on and talk about. It would be what any social interaction should be; an environment where each party takes something from the table and leaves something on the table. That isn't the case for me though. I would take from the table but leave nothing. Granted if I did manage to become a decent fencer and build friends in the fencing community... then I've made it. I have completed both my social aspect and personal aspect. I don't like to make assumptions, but I imagine if you wanted to do something you just did it, because you are an effective person who has a history and a personality to fall back on.
@Smurfett3 What if it doesn't become apparent to me what I need to learn? Shouldn't I take an active role in bettering myself?
On December 30 2013 14:18 Flying Potato wrote: @GGQ Let's say that I decided that I want to fence, and that I join a local organization to get started. How do I fit into a social group of people that has already been fencing for years? How do I relate to these people, who already know their likes and dislikes (well those will probably change a great deal, but they know them right now)? How do I go in there on day one and interact? If I was just somebody that wanted to learn it but hadn't spent my life just breathing in air, they would see me as a newbie, but I would still look like a person and be relatable to them because I have my own interests and hobbies to fall back on and talk about. It would be what any social interaction should be; an environment where each party takes something from the table and leaves something on the table. That isn't the case for me though. I would take from the table but leave nothing. Granted if I did manage to become a decent fencer and build friends in the fencing community... then I've made it. I have completed both my social aspect and personal aspect. I don't like to make assumptions, but I imagine if you wanted to do something you just did it, because you are an effective person who has a history and a personality to fall back on.
Nope, I have clinical depression and anxiety disorders which crippled me to the point of dropping out of university twice and finally just living in my room, breathing the outside air once a week for about a year while I gamed all night and slept all day. It's pointless to compare levels of emptiness and meaninglessness with other peoples' lives but I was pretty damn directionless. I got on medication after a while, my parents got me a job and I started interacting with people again. Fast-forward a couple years and I'm finishing university (years late but I'm determined to beat this damn thing), involved in a few communities and living a healthy/stable life (mostly; clinical depression never really goes away).
Anyways, that's pure anecdote. It seems like you don't want to put yourself into social situations because you're afraid of being bad at it. Everyone's bad at things they start out at. No one picks up computer games and places Master League, no one gets A rank in a month of fencing. You put in your time in social situations, you gain experience, and you get better at it. Knowing that you're a newbie will only help you learn faster, just like SC2. Also you are over-thinking social interaction. No one expects as much out of you as you seem to expect out of yourself. Also, fencing is a pretty dorky sport. You'll meet people with common interests. Not that is has to be fencing; I just really like it .
If you're a physics guy, you can think of it as overcoming static friction. But a body in motion tends to stay in motion. Once you start doing stuff it only gets easier to do stuff.
Flying Potato, thank you for being willing to ask for help and advice, I know from experience it is very hard and can lead to getting hurt.
I've learned that sometimes, we identify a problem, which is good, but solving the problem actually requires us to focus on something else. For example, I had no friends, and was trying to figure out how to make friends. Then, my brother told me to stop thinking about making friends, and just do things I enjoy, and then I would meet other people while doing those things who also enjoy those things and thus would make friends. BUT! It was important that I DON'T go do things I enjoy just because I want to make friends. I actually had to forget about wanting to make friends and trust that I would make friends by doing what I enjoy.
Now, I realize you are trying to find things you enjoy doing, so I gave that example only to demonstrate my point about focusing on something other than the problem.
So, how do we apply this to you and your problem of figuring out what you enjoy? Well, let's take a shot at it. First, I have to say you are in a much better position than you presented. You believe life is worth living and you want to make the world a better place. So, we don't have to solve that problem. We can make use of that. One approach is to think about how you can help other people. Do some sort of volunteer work, even if you don't think you will enjoy it. To find somewhere to volunteer, I would suggest talking to your high school guidance counselor. Or, go online. I live in Kansas and there is a website called volunteerkansas.org that has volunteer opportunities. Maybe there is a website like that for your state. Now, again, don't do this because you are trying to find something you enjoy doing, but instead because you want to help someone and make the world a better place. While volunteering, you will meet other people and you will also learn about yourself. And that leads to another point . . .
Another thing you could focus on is learning about yourself. Find something you have never done before, and do it, even if you think you won't like it. Again, here, we are NOT focusing on finding something you will enjoy doing. We are focusing on learning about ourselves. And we learn about ourselves by having new experiences and then observing how we reacted to them. And I think this will lead to finding things you enjoy, but it won't work if you are focused on finding things you enjoy doing.
And that leads to the next point, which is that you have to take time to reflect on your experiences. It sounds like you are very intelligent and capable of thinking about things. And this is where things like books come in. And it sounds like you are good at seeking out new ideas. You said, "Team Liquid has taught me more about games, politics, philosophy, religion, life, and any worthwhile topic than anything I can think of." To me, this indicates you are willing to seek out and consider new ideas, which is very important. But these ideas have to be tested with personal experiences, which is where the volunteering or something like that comes in.
Ok, now another point. You mentioned you don't feel connected to people. I've had that problem too. Again, I think we need to focus on something other than the problem in order to fix the problem. A book I'm reading talks about the importance of seeking to understand your husband or wife instead of just wanting to be understood. Everyone wants to be understood, and that's fine. It's actually good for you, because it means some people at least will be receptive if you try to understand them. Now, I will try to explain the details of how to go about understanding someone.
A book I'm reading talks about 6 levels of communication: 1. Small talk. This is what you do with strangers. They say, "How are you?" and you say "I'm fine," even if you aren't really fine. This is ok. Doing this repeatedly with someone you don't know but see often helps build familiarity and comfortableness.
2. Facts. This is about sharing simple information, like, "The weather is nice today." Simple conversation with people you know but don't necessarily trust.
3. Opinions. This is what you think about things, like politics, or religion. But you can find much safer subjects, like, what do you think of this teacher? Or what kind of music do you like and why?
4. Feelings. This is where you share feelings about something. For example, if you really hate something, or when you share an experience and how that experience made you feel.
5. Desires. This is where you talk about what you want out of life.
6. Beliefs. Most obviously, this would be religious beliefs. But the book I'm reading defines it as things that "have been a part of you for a long time and reflect who you really are."
The book this is from is called "The Language of Sex" by Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham. It is written by Christians for Christians. I used to consider myself a Christian, though a very different one than the people this book was written by and for, but I do not consider myself a Christian at all anymore. But I'm discovering that this book has a lot of good ideas for people who aren't religious, which is why I'm reading it, even though a couple of years ago I wouldn't have touched it just because it was written by and for Christians.
Now, it sounds like you are probably at level 2 and maybe even level 3 with some people, which is good. You say there are people you see and talk to everyday. I suggest trying to take it further. Sometimes it won't work with a particular person, so then just try with someone else. If you feel you are at level 2 with someone, then when you have a chance, ask their opinion on something. It can be something like, "What do think of [insert name of one of your teachers here]?" Over time, as you invite people to share their opinions with you, and you share yours in return, a bond starts to form. BUT! It is important that you respect their opinions. Even if you have a completely different one. And this is where seeking to understand really comes in. Try to understand why they have that opinion. Find out what experiences or beliefs have shaped those opinions. This leads to levels 4, 5, and 6, but you will never get there if they believe you don't respect their opinion. But, if you are genuinely interested in understanding the person, then you will respect their opinions and they will be willing to share. Of course, some people won't be willing to share, and that's ok. You have to keep trying until you find people that you are comfortable sharing with and that are comfortable sharing with you. And it takes time to create that comfort level. BUT I MUST EMPHASIZE! Your goal is to understand people. If you do it because you are lonely and want friends, it won't work. It's ok to be lonely and want friends, but you have to not focus on the problem and trust that the problem will be solved if you focus on something else, in this case understanding people.
Understanding people is fun and can lead to you learning about yourself which can lead to finding things you like to do. Again, if you do this because you want to feel connected, you will be disappointed. But, I believe if you do it because you truly want to understand people and other perspectives and believe that you don't have all the answers and are right about everything, then you will end up finding something you never knew existed. Life will change and open up to you. Life will become an adventure. But this is difficult. Most people need a clear sense of right and wrong and aren't comfortable with seeking something. But I think you are a seeker. You said, "Maybe you're asking why I'm posting this on the internet, and a gaming forum at that, and truthfully I don't know, but I do know my that life can't proceed like this." You are seeking something. Something more. You don't know what it is, but you believe it is out there. And you are willing to try to find it. I warn that you may have to go through hell to find it. You may have to rip your soul apart. As an example, I am trying to work through things that have caused severe depression and almost caused me to commit suicide. I still haven't quite figured out what the problem is, but I think it has something to do with feelings of inadequacy and not being worthy of being loved that I have as a result of my upbringing. I hope you don't have issues like this, and maybe you don't, but if you do, be prepared. It's really hard to find these issues. We have all of these other problems that are easy to see, but it's hard to find the root of the problem and fix it. If you want to hear more, you can read a blog I recently posted on TL, called "Trying to figure out sexuality."
But, start small! Go volunteer somewhere or ask someone's opinion on something and take it from there. I do warn, that often if you have issues, they start to come up when you go off to college, and that is very bad, because college is already hard enough. So, if you can start to get a handle on some issues now, that would be very good.
So, that's my input. I hope it helps. I think you are on the right track and have a lot of things going for you, even if it doesn't feel like it. Try to look at your strengths and use them.
you should. I guess just don't put too much pressure on yourself to succeed; you are going to fail half the time and that is where the true beauty in life lies
You did not come off as claiming special uniqueness, I simply told you that you have nothing to fear because you're a nobody. How do you experiment? Through curiosity. You know what to do, you're just thinking too much. "Just do it."
Listen, the moment you find something interesting, dive into it head first. For your sake of how you experiment this is a mere example from my experience. This story happened last summer.
So I applied and got accepted to summer school to finish 2 courses over a period of 1 month. I'm introverted and slightly older than all my fellow classmates. I simply like to mind my own business and do things by myself. The first couple days were normal.. go in.. sit down.. get instructed.. receive homework.. go home. However when I walked in the room on the third day I noticed that everyone sat in the same exact spots as the first and second day. I too had sat in the exact spot in the first 2 days. We had no seating plan and this happened in BOTH classes, I asked myself "Why? Why is everyone so content with what they have, WHY AM I SO CONTENT WITH WHAT I HAVE." At this point I was quite angry at myself for being passive,if you wanna become successful you gotta constantly evolve if not "then all I will ever do is nothing, and nobody gives a shit what I decide."
Nobody cares right? So have no fear go experiment. Still angry I then proceeded to sit down beside a random person. Completely ignorant of anything going on I hear a "Oh Hey." I looked over to my right and saw a gorgeous brunette and did what any other introverted male did. Shit bricks. Now I won't tell you how it went during class but use your imagination. By the time class ended any remnants of me being angry were completely gone. I had realized I had done the impossible. I fucking did it. I didn't think. I just did it. I was so bewildered and pleased by the experience. I did it. Again. In fact I swapped seats every single day and talked to random people in both classes for the entire month, I even got laughed at because it was strange for some reason. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So near the end of the month I was waiting outside of the school for my ride. I hear the front door open but pay no attention to it until moments later the sound of paper, books, and school accessories hitting the pavement caught my attention. It was a blonde girl who seemingly had difficulty carrying large posters, books and her phone. I did a subconcious response and I asked "Do you need help?" She replied, "No I'm good thanks." and smiled. Twenty seconds later she drops her stuff again. I asked "Are you sure?" Yeah I'm fine" Looks at me and drops her iPhone on the pavement. Now for some reason I stood there and pretended to look away, listening to her wishes to not be helped. She finally did get to the vehicle after dropping her things once more and left.
Still standing there at the high school entrance, I realized that was actually a pretty attractive girl. One that almost perfectly fits my ideals, I asked myself why didn't I pay more attention, why didn't I help her, why didn't I take the opportunity, Q_Q she had her phone out so it was possible to get her number.. will I get to meet her again?
Remember this was at the end of the month and there was only 2 days of school left, out of the dozens of school days I attended this was the first time I had seen this girl. I wanted to talk to her again but the chances of meeting her again were very slim, I always stood before the entrance for my ride and saw everyone that walked out after school, but I only saw her once, so I got irritated and then angry for letting that opportunity to pass..
HOWEVER I did not give up. Before the end of my second class I asked myself well.. how badly could it be? I guess I'll experiment. Well do the pros outweigh the cons.. that was the first time I saw her so my chances are low.. wait.. what if she does show up? What do I say? O_O "Hi. My names SteelSinger, what's yours?" Then after that? Uhhh.. well.. wait.. fuuuuu...
Class ended and I became stressed out of being indecisive, I stopped thinking and just did it.
I stood outside ten minutes before the time I saw her come yesterday. I thought that maybe she left school after I left, so I called my sister and told her she didn't need to drive me home and that I'd take the city transit. She asked why and I told her that I was "waiting" for some friends I made. Which was yes, a complete lie I had no plans for the evening. I then proceeded to waited for fourty minutes, completely aware that I looked like an idiot pacing back and forth "pretending for my ride to come" when in reality I was hoping to see a girl before the end of summer school with no guarantee she would appear.
Eventually I stopped waiting and walked home. For an hour. luls. I planned to take the bus but on a whim I just did it.
The last day of school I had 2 exams, I thought to myself okay I need to get the highest marks possible so I'll have to stay for the full 3 hours per exam, since I'm staying so late there is nigh chance of meeting that girl.
I had finished my second exam, looked at the clock and realized that there was no longer any chance to meet the girl. I was the last one to finish and the teacher asked me if I wanted my final mark or not. I said why not and waited for him to mark my exam. After 7 hours of hard work I had finally finished, I walked down the hall and wanted to go treat myself to a sushi restaurant my friend owned a couple blocks away. I turned the corner then my jaw dropped. That same cute blonde girl that I wanted to see so badly was talking to her friend. I couldn't believe it, it was almost as if she was waiting for me. I immediately took the opportunity and asked "How did your exam go?" Oh it's getting marked right now, I'm waiting for it. trololololol as if she would be waiting for you was what I thought, imagining a facepalm. "Your exams marked, come get it" As a womans voice travelled outside a room and into the hallway. Now over the 2seconds that this occurred for some reason I thought I just lost my chance to talk to her, observing that she had already been heading in the opposite direction of me. "Hey umm.. I'll come back and talk to you in a few minutes."
"Alright." HOLY SHITTT. I am SO in. Thank you God. Thank you. I don't know if you exist or not but thank youuuuu.
Alas she returned and I somehow managed to talk to her for a solid 5 minutes, now I completely forgot what I was going to do after this until I remembered. I wanted to go to the sushi restaurant to relax.. wait.. why don't I ask her to come along..? o_o At this point I didn't think, I just did it. "Hey I was just gonna go to a sushi restaurant my friend owns, wanna tag along?" To my surprise she actually said yes! A complete stranger that she had met for a mere 5 minutes wanted to come with me. "Sure just let me ask my mom, shes outside waiting for me."
O_O Her mom? Outside? Really? trolololol
trollface.jpg rising in the horizon.
We walked to her mom's van and I discretely walked outside of hearing range because I really didn't want to listen to what they were talking about. Nor attempt to answer any questions her mother asked. Remember she only met me approximately 10 minutes ago and wants to hang out with me, for all I know her mom could be super protective and give boys no chance.
After a few minutes of nervously standing around feeling as if I'm being prosecuted the girl returned, smiled and said "let's go!"
FUCK YESSS, imaginary fist pump in the air.
I learned that her name was ------ which was a strange name and we talked and ate at the sushi restaurant. I won't tell you all the details because this is getting quite long, but at the end she was about to leave the door and I remembered why I wanted to meet her so badly. Now that shes leaving I probably won't see her again. Subconciously I asked for her number and I got it. I didn't think, I just did it.
Finished two exams, completed my impossible mission, got her number, and relaxed at a sushi restaurant. What a great day.
Now I shit you not this did happen, I don't care what anyone thinks I thought this was really cool. This was a major accomplishment for myself because I never deemed it possible. Whether you believe me or not is up to you, there's not much I gain from this.
This is how you experiment, do things that you don't know will happen. Just do it. You're a nobody, nobody will care. Nothing to fear. ezpz. As soon as you become famous though.. different story.
Now what made you think I'm not in the similar shoes as you? I'm not actually finished highschool either. I'm almost 21. That means everything you've experienced, I've most likely experienced. I might finish high school in my 6th year and it's not even a guarantee yet.
Listen I've procrastinated for years, it's possible that it will take me 7 years to finish high school when it takes normal people 3. What would I do? Well fuck I'm almost 21 now better move forward. In summer school I asked a random question to one of my summer school teachers, the one that had been teaching for over 40 years. "What are the top 3 things you regret in your life." You know what he said? He said "Hmm.. I don't really regret anything. Although I wish I was back in my 20s again." How old am I? What am I doing? You know what that means? We're currently living in our golden years Just think about the possibilities of what you could do. This was the first step in finding my interests, my potential.
Sense of urgency man. I'm so jealous of Bruce Lee. Why didn't I think of this stuff earlier? I dunno, no point in thinking about it just move forward. Just do it.
If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done. - Bruce Lee Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential. - Bruce Lee
I could say so many more things about this and talk for hours, by the way fyi.. I still indeed have that girls phone number however I found out that she was 15, and I'm near 21 so even if I wanted a relationship with her she's simply too young, not even legal. Age doesn't matter at a certain point in life but it matters greatly in the first 2 decades. So basically you could say that meeting her was pointless because you didn't really benefit from it.. but the thing is if I didn't do it I would've REGRETTED it.
Step two?
Well it's obvious, capitalize on your interest. The truth is nobody knows your potential.
Summary. You know the answers, imagine yourself walking. Forward. Think is one foot. Act is the other foot. What you're doing is, think. think. think. think. think. Now imagine what your left foot is doing, well you're basically doing the fucking splitz yea? Time to act. act. act. act. act. Okay, we good. Left foot, think, right foot, act. Think, act, think, act, think, act.. Just do it.
My question to you guys is this; how can I figure out what I enjoy?
find some kind of extra curricular activity. You don't have to enjoy it right away, but it's a door. You meet people. You learn something. Maybe you enjoy it, or maybe you find something you don't enjoy.
some starting points to think about. sports arts clubs volunteering food
It doesn't have to be within your school community, if that makes you nervous (though you shouldn't be afraid of that). Heck. Ask your parents. What do they do for fun? Maybe take them out to try something different than usual as a way to start exploring. There's nothing wrong with that.
sports - many of us did sports activities as small children and stopped. you may not be star athlete, but you could participate in house league stuff or pick-up games.I played soccer and road hockey at lunch hour.
Or it could be outdoors sport activity. Running. Cycling. Swimming. Hiking. Canoeing. Skating. Skiing. Even a solo activity like running or cycling can bring you into a different kind of community. For me, choosing to start cycling during high school instead of taking the bus was such a simple change that had such a significant impact on me. Suddenly I have something in common with thousands of people I had never met. I know someone who was getting used to a new environment, unfamiliar place, unfamiliar people, and joined an outdoorsing club that went on long hikes and walks in the country. boom friends, boom community, boom met a special person, boom married.
arts - do you play an instrument? draw? write? act? dance? If you don't DO any of the above, do you enjoy the art of others? listening to music, looking at art, reading? Artists appreciate audience besides just each other. There are huge communities of incredibly friendly people in all artistic communities, if you look for them. Go to a gallery, go to a concert, go to a play? Hang out in a café while local musicians have a jam session in the corner? How about dancing? There are social dance activities that are fun and easy, and generally very welcoming for newbies who want to learn. As unlikely as it is, if it's an embarassment, who would even know?. But I'll bet you have a great time. Dancing has been a breakthrough for me for expanding a community of friends and doing something I enjoy. one of the neat things about dancing is that it is a way of socializing which isn't dependent on conversation. that helped me get my foot in the door.
volunteering - high school graduation required a minimum number of volunteer hours. They are trying to force you to go and get involved in your community. Do it, and don't stop at the minimum. Talk to other volunteers and find out what THEIR hobbies are. What do THEY enjoy.
have you ever travelled? What did you think of the places you went? If you had money saved up and time to spare, would you go anywhere?
any religious background? even if you aren't active or observant, there's always a community, and for many people that is more important than the faith.
i'm just carpet bombing possible activities. If you haven't considered one, or haven't done it recently, give it a go. Maybe there are two more doors behind the one you just tried. If not, who cares? It was time better spent than F5ing reddit.
My free time consists of me listening to some music
Thank you all for taking the time to give such lengthy responses to me! Reading the responses in this thread has made me realize something overnight; I am guided in day-to-day life by subconscious forces that I have only begun to identify. For instance, I say I don't fear people, yet my actions seem contradictory. I might not fear people in the usual social sense, but there is a great fear of not failure, but exposing myself. I've erected a barrier to block my deepest thoughts and feelings in any interaction, including with myself. For whatever reason, showing my "true" self horrifies me. Nobody, not even I, knows what I like as a result of this mental barrier. To anyone still reading this; why do you think that is? Why would I have such a fear of exposing myself? Is the only cure action?
@Smurfett3 You're right. I do think that I've overthought things, but it's just how I am.
@SteelSinger When I said that it was in response to the "You're Not Special" thread, sorry if I made a leap that shouldn't have been made. Great story man, it helped me put things into perspective. I know and have always known that I just have to do it, but as much as I hear it it just never clicks for me. But the more I think about it (with an actual story of how this works) I start to realize that the only thing blocking me is me god-damnit; my only enemy is me! It's going to take a long time, but I really do have to break my mindset or nothing will change.
@Cowpieguy What an awesome post. The moral of the story to me is to look at things differently; if I want to find out what I like, don't look for things to enjoy, look for how to learn about myself. Don't look for friends, look for how to understand people as best as possible. Work on communication skills, work on myself. Thank you.
@Oboeman I'm going to be one of those assholes that says "I listen to anything, really!" And you show me music and I say "Except that." I do listen to quite a range a range though, but lately I've liked Eric Clapton quite a bit. As to your suggestions, I think they are good and diverse, I know that it would be quite difficult to find interests for a person you don't know. I'll make an effort to go with some of your ideas.
On December 31 2013 01:11 Flying Potato wrote: Thank you all for taking the time to give such lengthy responses to me! Reading the responses in this thread has made me realize something overnight; I am guided in day-to-day life by subconscious forces that I have only begun to identify. For instance, I say I don't fear people, yet my actions seem contradictory. I might not fear people in the usual social sense, but there is a great fear of not failure, but exposing myself. I've erected a barrier to block my deepest thoughts and feelings in any interaction, including with myself. For whatever reason, showing my "true" self horrifies me. Nobody, not even I, knows what I like as a result of this mental barrier. To anyone still reading this; why do you think that is? Why would I have such a fear of exposing myself? Is the only cure action?
That fear is insecurity, which is pretty much a part of being a teenager. It drives a lot of the changes in personality that occur during puberty. In fact, it might even be more influential than the emergence of a sex drive for some people. Fear, anger, sorrow, the excessive amounts of that stuff found in teenagers can usually be traced to the emergence of insecurity. This is pure speculation, but from the anecdotal evidence I've acquired, that insecurity never truly goes away. It doesn't just disappear, but you can learn to deal with it. At a certain age, some people might just get sick of the insecurity and just go out and be themselves. Others may learn that they don't need to act in public, that their insecurity is bullshit. Either way, you seem that a perfectly normal teenager, which means, barring hilariously unlikely mishaps, you should be able to ditch the insecurity in a year or two.
others have given very long winded answers, I shan't do that, but give a very concrete one about the fencing example.
clubs (at least here in Germany) are always looking for members, because they always need people to do some of the chores, and they need people to fill in when they have too many injured people, or people that just can't make it due to other obligations.
Clubs need trainers, clubs need people to wash jerseys, clubs (at least in Germany) need people to fill functions like account auditors, they need referees for games/matches, they need drivers.
You might have to suck it up for a bit of time, but if you show willingness and improvement, you will be accepted. When I was playing volleyball, we had this gangly, pimply, rather short teenager show up at our training session, he wanted to play. Since he did not have any technique, there was nothing to un-learn, and he progressed rather quickly, even though he was not a natural. The next season, he got his jersey and started coming along to the games. He was not in the starting formation, and he was not the go-to player for crunch time, but whenever a game was clearly won, or clearly lost, he'd be swapped in, also when one of the set players had a bad day, there would be a swap. And if we had more than one of the better players injured at the same time, he would actually play a full match.
I could go on and on about scenarios, where a noob would be welcome in a (sports) club setting, but I don't think that is necessary.
If you waste your time on the internet, I'd suggest you pick up reading instead.
reaching out is what you are doing right now enjoying it comes next feeling empty is a stage, you will not fill that void, it will fill itself
the world is, and while you are right to say that "no one will give a shit if i don't ever enter life or ever enjoy anything" If you say that, you have to accept that the opposite is just as true!
for every person (in any walk of life) that ignores you, you will get one that is trying to get you into something or steer you away from the very same thing
i mean that not being invested is actually a boon in the world today
people will want to get you into stuff, as long as you try stuff out and can stand to be reminded hourly that you are a begginer, you will discover lots of stuff effortlessly because your disengagement will allow you to remain unbiased and people will elevate you for not being easily impressionable
the world needs you, don't trust me, go test it for yourself
ps: i am receiving the answers in this thread as my best christmas present ty tl members, some days i question the constructiveness of forums, today i read this thread and i will be all i can be for a while, ty tl .. happy new year <3
EPT
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