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so, if happiness is contentment of the choices you've made, how are people content making mistakes? Not every choice you make is the best one, hindsight tells us that and mistakes are unavoidable. So is stress, it is unavoidable and trying to avoid it is a futile effort. I mean, it's doing something that basically can't be done, hence if you try over and over and nothing works, I can understand how that would make you tired. and fast too
I am not regretful in a systematic way. I don't know what choices I could make that would let me be happy, because there is absolutely nothing that I want to do or can see myself being content to do.
In general, though, I'd like to stop this from becoming too personal. I'll continue to answer questions, and stuff, but let's try not to focus too much on just me and also think about depression in general, since I'm definitely not the only person with this illness.
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On August 05 2013 10:18 Race is Terran wrote:Show nested quote +On August 05 2013 10:16 Shiori wrote:On August 05 2013 09:51 Bommes wrote:There is no identity but what we see ourselves to be. I am me. What I think of myself is what I am. There is nothing else. Well, evidently you think that you are something, yet you act like you are something completely different because you do stuff you don't want to do. So unless your body and your brain are separated that statement is just wrong, you are the sum of all your bodyparts so you are the sum of your thoughts and your actions. I do those things because they make the pain stop for a moment. I am weak, in that respect, because the pain comes back stronger afterward. My brain is what it is, but sometimes my will isn't strong enough to resist the intense emotional barrages. I mean, it's not that I want to do one thing or another so much as it is that eventually I get too tired to resist my emotions. Once that happens, I just lose all control. No. It was what felt right in the moment, but it was not what I wanted to do. I know what I want to do, but sometimes the pain and the anger are so much that it becomes difficult to resist them. Imagine it like taking a drug. You know that it's not the right thing to do, and you don't want to do it. But sometimes you give in because you just don't have the strength to fight it anymore. Again, I don't see how that contradicts my point. I don't think drugs are inherently a bad thing though, in the end medicines are drugs. It's all about how an individual uses the drug. It only gets a problem if you use that drug on other people against their will or if you hurt other people because of the influence of your emotions/drugs. There is no inherent right or wrong about drug usage or acting based on emotions. It can get bad if you hurt other people of course, but if that happens then it is what it is, you can always find a way to redeem yourself. I meant drug addiction. When I give in to the cruelty, I do so because it relieves the pain. But it brings the pain back later plus the knowledge that I sacrificed my own beliefs for the sake of a momentary escape. It's like drinking excessively to get over a loss. You might feel a little better for a few hours, but you still don't get any closer to accepting the loss. You don't really understand, I think. I know that it's bad to do cruel things. I know that I shouldn't repeat them, and I don't repeat them. I accept that I make mistakes, and that I'll continue to make them. But that doesn't help me at all, because the cruel things are nothing more than temporary relief from the sheer nothingness that I feel. Even if I successfully resist doing cruel things, I'm still empty and dead inside, so it's not like I feel any happier. The fact that you talk and care about your family and want to do the "right" thing in itself means that you are not dead inside.
Now, maybe that changes, and some day in the future you don't care about your family anymore. Does that make you dead inside? No, there are still a million things that make you alive and are a beautiful part of having human perception, you just might not choose to acknowledge them. Maybe that life isn't good enough for what you perceive a life "should be", and a life where you can't love your family anymore isn't worth living. And I guess that's a reasonable statement for some people, it just depends on what you believe in. For me the statement that feeling emptiness and nothingness is just an opportunity for realizing that you are able to do whatever the fuck you want and see your life as an experiment is much more reasonable. I want to do the right thing because I love myself. To me, loving myself means that suicide might be merciful. I am dead inside in the sense that, many times, I feel nothing at all. I don't know how to explain that in a way that is comprehensible to people who haven't experienced it, but I can't tolerate it. It's too much. its basically like youve lost the ability to "care" for anything right?
It's hard to know. I still care for myself and my family. Beyond that, things are more changeable.
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On August 05 2013 10:19 Shiori wrote:Show nested quote +
so, if happiness is contentment of the choices you've made, how are people content making mistakes? Not every choice you make is the best one, hindsight tells us that and mistakes are unavoidable. So is stress, it is unavoidable and trying to avoid it is a futile effort. I mean, it's doing something that basically can't be done, hence if you try over and over and nothing works, I can understand how that would make you tired. and fast too
I am not regretful in a systematic way. I don't know what choices I could make that would let me be happy, because there is absolutely nothing that I want to do or can see myself being content to do. In general, though, I'd like to stop this from becoming too personal. I'll continue to answer questions, and stuff, but let's try not to focus too much on just me and also think about depression in general, since I'm definitely not the only person with this illness.
srry about that. I just was focusing on you beecause you suffer from depression so by understanding how you think, it gives me greater insight to depression
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Northern Ireland22961 Posts
Genuinely TLDR, as a fellow sufferer it's painful to see somebody else go through it so stopped reading.
Do you find emotional numbness worse or better than feeling actively sad/anxious? How do you pursue your goals with the cloud of potential depressive phases hanging over you?
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I'm glad you shared your story. I wish you the best in life, whatever that means for you 
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Quite eloquent. Good luck OP.
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Okay finally finished reading it. I just wanted to thank you for this deeply.
This blog could not have come at a better time. I am a medical student, currently on a 8-week psychiatric rotation, and it is valuable to be able to hear someone's experience when they can put it into words after much thought and introspection.
There is only so much information you can get out of a involuntarily hospitalised patient when they are in the worst throes of depression; they might not even want to talk to you, won't come out of their room, give you one word answers...
Don't down play your experiences, doctors are experts at diagnosis and treatment and knowing what resources are out there for you, but unless they've had personal experience with a particular condition, they rely on patient's telling them what it's like, and this is the most vivid and detailed description that I've come across. Lectures and textbooks pales in comparison to your account of it.
Personally, I've struggled with depression in the past, and I even seriously considered killing myself once, but I'm glad I didn't actually do something stupid. For me, I felt like I had no hope. If someone else looked at my life, they would say that I had everything in life going for me, but I had no hope. It's hard to describe, and I could identify with parts of your experience. I'm not depressed right now, but I'm scared of relapse. If I relapsed though, I would definitely make use of the resources out there, since I know about them now. I also am very careful to not assume that anyone else with depression had or has the same experience as I did, because they probably didn't.
To the OP: even though I have some inkling of what you're going through, I don't know what to say. Different people find different things work for them, and it's not possible to predict how long it will last this time, or what will work. Try to find something, anything to live for. Try to have hope in something. Even though I don't know you in real life, I sincerely hope you live through this.
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what worked for me when i had one was going out and play some sports ( basketball or whatev ), gym, but also reading some good stuff like Anthony Robbins or anything like that and just go out and go crazy
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tl;dr
User was warned for this post
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I relate everything you've written. I, honestly, just cried. Because I think I'm depressed now for a silly reason: a miserable love. That, in particular, we all are able to understand.
Thank you for writing this down. It cures me a little, even though I still feel very bad now. Thank you, once again.
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Excellent blog, really captures the essence of a problem.
What I observed from my own experience with depression is that I tended to treat my own assumptions as the only accurate reflection of reality. The biggest help for me was to realize that the reality - including my own state - is completely external to me and most of my thoughts don't really come from a scientific examination of it, but rather from blowing the emotion I was going through out of any reasonable proportions. Coming to that conclusion was like checking a replay of SC game you ragequitted from only to find out that your opponent had two or three hidden bases and you utterly failed to scout them because you never considered that. Once I took that look from a distance, I realized how funny I was.
Limits, like fears, are often just an illusion. - Michael Jordan
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On August 05 2013 21:36 Eriksen wrote:
I relate everything you've written. I, honestly, just cried. Because I think I'm depressed now for a silly reason: a miserable love. That, in particular, we all are able to understand.
Thank you for writing this down. It cures me a little, even though I still feel very bad now. Thank you, once again.
I'm glad you found some meaning in my post. Don't feel that your reasons are silly. You shouldn't have to apologize for how you feel to anyone.
Thanks everyone for your kind words, as well.
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"I can grow from pain and I can temper anger, but I cannot process nothingness, when every moment is a second and a day and a year at once, all bumping into each other with nothing to distinguish them."
You should copyright that phrase, felt like a low-kick directly in my balls. So true words.
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On August 05 2013 22:38 uberxD wrote:
"I can grow from pain and I can temper anger, but I cannot process nothingness, when every moment is a second and a day and a year at once, all bumping into each other with nothing to distinguish them."
You should copyright that phrase, felt like a low-kick directly in my balls. So true words.
Haha. In Canada, everything one writes is (apparently) automatically copyrighted provided one can prove that one wrote it and was the original author. I can do both, since I have the hard copies and dated entries of the post, as well as rougher versions and stuff. Either way, though, I'm not worried about people stealing it. I didn't write this because I wanted to feel like I was some really skilled prose stylist; I wrote it because it's what I feel and because I want people to benefit from my experiences.
I'm glad it resonated with you. ^^
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I've been past depression and it was an experience that's making me feel incredibly special and appreciate my life way more than I would have ever expected. As long as you are willing to change and go past your troubles without feeling defeated you are going to have a blast for the rest of your life
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I think in todays society being depressed somehow got a cool flair to it, which hurts the people who actually suffer from this condition.
I would not consider myself as depressed at all, but I always have either a phase of "i am completely useless at everything i do" or "i am the best in the world, everyone else is just a scrub" and nothing in between. Makes life hard sometimes, but I shouldnt complain.
Good luck to you OP, I only got to read about 50% of it, but I will read the rest later!
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On August 06 2013 00:47 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
I think in todays society being depressed somehow got a cool flair to it, which hurts the people who actually suffer from this condition.
I would not consider myself as depressed at all, but I always have either a phase of "i am completely useless at everything i do" or "i am the best in the world, everyone else is just a scrub" and nothing in between. Makes life hard sometimes, but I shouldnt complain.
Good luck to you OP, I only got to read about 50% of it, but I will read the rest later!
Heh. Life is indeed hard sometimes. I think it's hard for everyone. I don't believe that anyone has an easy life, honestly. Not forever; it can't last.
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Really well written. In some paragraphs I had to stop and was thinking "that is exactly how I feel". Specifically these few (also in your comments):
Depression doesn’t feel like anything. No, I don’t mean that there isn’t anything that feels like depression. I mean that depression, the cruelest part of it, feels like nothing. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s not pain; it’s not even cynicism. It’s just me sitting alone at a little wooden table in the middle of a courtyard on a gray day. There are no birds, no people, and no trees. There is no food. My coffee is lukewarm. And no matter which way I look, no matter how hard I strain my eyes, there are no sunbeams or stars; there are no flashes of lightning. There is just me, the rain, and silence. And every horizon is the same courtyard stretching on eternally; there are no other tables.
I don’t know if anyone will understand that paragraph, because it is absurd, but that’s really how I feel. In a way, it sounds peaceful, doesn’t it? It is. I used to think that the people who commit suicide do so in a fit of despair or anger. And I still think that’s true, sometimes. But for me, the worst moments have never been like that. I can grow from pain and I can temper anger, but I cannot process nothingness, when every moment is a second and a day and a year at once, all bumping into each other with nothing to distinguish them.
I am dead inside in the sense that, many times, I feel nothing at all. I don't know how to explain that in a way that is comprehensible to people who haven't experienced it, but I can't tolerate it. It's too much.
I do these things automatically because I like to help people and because it makes me sad to see people in difficulty (homeless people etc., I always give them whatever I can afford to give).
I don't know if I am myself depressed, mainly because I can function for the most part relatively well, and find moments of excitement and sadness for example when playing a childhood sport of mine or a game of CS or DotA. I've never went to see a doctor. However, in my daily life I constantly find myself in a situation where time goes by, and afterwards I notice I wasn't really feeling or thinking anything. I was just floating.
I come from a family where my mother is extremely active and energetic, but my father was very similar to myself and "suffered" from a bit similar feelings of nothingness, as far as I could tell in my youth and from stories. Often times my mother or someone else does me a favor, and asks if it is nice that they did this thing for me. Pretty much always the truth is that I really don't feel anything. I don't feel anything when someone does me an act of kindness. I've been raised to treat people well, and come to aid of friends and family in need, and I continue to do that, but I still don't feel anything. Not when receiving, not when giving.
Reading your experience gave me some perspective to my own situation, because it is really not easy to discuss these things even with a close family member. "Why are you feeling absent?" and other kinds of questions that start with "Why?" are all too common, and the answer is always the same: I don't know. I don't have a clear rational reason for anything. I wish you good luck, and thank you for your story.
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On August 06 2013 08:21 spudde123 wrote:Really well written. In some paragraphs I had to stop and was thinking "that is exactly how I feel". Specifically these few (also in your comments): Show nested quote +Depression doesn’t feel like anything. No, I don’t mean that there isn’t anything that feels like depression. I mean that depression, the cruelest part of it, feels like nothing. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s not pain; it’s not even cynicism. It’s just me sitting alone at a little wooden table in the middle of a courtyard on a gray day. There are no birds, no people, and no trees. There is no food. My coffee is lukewarm. And no matter which way I look, no matter how hard I strain my eyes, there are no sunbeams or stars; there are no flashes of lightning. There is just me, the rain, and silence. And every horizon is the same courtyard stretching on eternally; there are no other tables.
I don’t know if anyone will understand that paragraph, because it is absurd, but that’s really how I feel. In a way, it sounds peaceful, doesn’t it? It is. I used to think that the people who commit suicide do so in a fit of despair or anger. And I still think that’s true, sometimes. But for me, the worst moments have never been like that. I can grow from pain and I can temper anger, but I cannot process nothingness, when every moment is a second and a day and a year at once, all bumping into each other with nothing to distinguish them. Show nested quote +I am dead inside in the sense that, many times, I feel nothing at all. I don't know how to explain that in a way that is comprehensible to people who haven't experienced it, but I can't tolerate it. It's too much. Show nested quote +I do these things automatically because I like to help people and because it makes me sad to see people in difficulty (homeless people etc., I always give them whatever I can afford to give). I don't know if I am myself depressed, mainly because I can function for the most part relatively well, and find moments of excitement and sadness for example when playing a childhood sport of mine or a game of CS or DotA. I've never went to see a doctor. However, in my daily life I constantly find myself in a situation where time goes by, and afterwards I notice I wasn't really feeling or thinking anything. I was just floating. I come from a family where my mother is extremely active and energetic, but my father was very similar to myself and "suffered" from a bit similar feelings of nothingness, as far as I could tell in my youth and from stories. Often times my mother or someone else does me a favor, and asks if it is nice that they did this thing for me. Pretty much always the truth is that I really don't feel anything. I don't feel anything when someone does me an act of kindness. I've been raised to treat people well, and come to aid of friends and family in need, and I continue to do that, but I still don't feel anything. Not when receiving, not when giving. Reading your experience gave me some perspective to my own situation, because it is really not easy to discuss these things even with a close family member. "Why are you feeling absent?" and other kinds of questions that start with "Why?" are all too common, and the answer is always the same: I don't know. I don't have a clear rational reason for anything. I wish you good luck, and thank you for your story.
based on that, you cannot be diagnosed with dysthymic/MDD
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On August 05 2013 15:25 FakeDouble wrote:
Okay finally finished reading it. I just wanted to thank you for this deeply.
This blog could not have come at a better time. I am a medical student, currently on a 8-week psychiatric rotation, and it is valuable to be able to hear someone's experience when they can put it into words after much thought and introspection.
There is only so much information you can get out of a involuntarily hospitalised patient when they are in the worst throes of depression; they might not even want to talk to you, won't come out of their room, give you one word answers...
Don't down play your experiences, doctors are experts at diagnosis and treatment and knowing what resources are out there for you, but unless they've had personal experience with a particular condition, they rely on patient's telling them what it's like, and this is the most vivid and detailed description that I've come across. Lectures and textbooks pales in comparison to your account of it.
Personally, I've struggled with depression in the past, and I even seriously considered killing myself once, but I'm glad I didn't actually do something stupid. For me, I felt like I had no hope. If someone else looked at my life, they would say that I had everything in life going for me, but I had no hope. It's hard to describe, and I could identify with parts of your experience. I'm not depressed right now, but I'm scared of relapse. If I relapsed though, I would definitely make use of the resources out there, since I know about them now. I also am very careful to not assume that anyone else with depression had or has the same experience as I did, because they probably didn't.
To the OP: even though I have some inkling of what you're going through, I don't know what to say. Different people find different things work for them, and it's not possible to predict how long it will last this time, or what will work. Try to find something, anything to live for. Try to have hope in something. Even though I don't know you in real life, I sincerely hope you live through this.
same here, I am in 2nd year atm and we just learned about all of the psych disorders. As for the understanding of why any of the psychiatric disorders occur, we literally have made no progress in the last 4 decades. It is still just a bunch of syndromes (list of symptoms) that we tick off. We don't understand shit about the brain, so you can imagine if doctors don't understand what exactly depression is then the normal person won't really have a clue. I can only empathize slightly, because I have no idea what that feels like. Stay strong man (to both of you guys).
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EPT
