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I'm tired. Tired of a lot of things, but mostly of myself. At 23 years old, I've done nothing but fail and stumble blindly through life, and all I've gotten out of it is a headache and a cold spot in my chest.
The mantle of mediocrity is one of the heavier ones to bear, but one that you'll get no recognition for. To spend your entire life failing at everything you try seriously, but doing well enough at anything to get by passably, is something that most people don't really understand. Everyone has at least one thing they're good at, right? You'd think. Instead, I've just given up trying to find it.
Every sport I've done, and there have been several, I've trailed behind. Of all the studies I've enjoyed, I've never been able to keep up in any of them, always needing to be explained things, always requiring more time to understand the simplest concepts.
Not that I'm crippled or stupid. Like I said, I'm mediocre. I pass with Cs unless I cheat, I can run passably if I exert myself. I sit at the point where I do well enough to not get noticed, but if I ever try seriously to prove myself at something, I fail when compared to anyone else who gives it a go. Passable, and able to be passed over.
And now I can't even enjoy the things that used to make me happy anymore. Books don't capture my attention because I know my life will never be as interesting as the words on those pages. I can't just be happy playing a game because I know I struggle on normal difficulty when everyone I know has already breezed through it on hard.
They say that you shouldn't think like I do, to never contemplate.... these sorts of things. How does the phrase go? "It gets better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually". What a load of crock. I've felt like this as long as I can remember. Sitting alone, never standing out except when I fuck up noticeably, only being a participant in everything I do. Waiting for eventually was fine when I was 13 and could just imagine how much better my life would be when I would "grow up". But nothing's changed. I still go to bed feeling a crushing pain on my chest, part of me praying I don't wake up. I still wake up reluctantly, not wanting to face another day as myself. I still hope that at any given point in the day I'll just drop dead so that I won't have to deal with this anymore.
There's nothing for me. I have nothing to work towards, no one to hold myself to. I'm just drifting through life for the sake of being alive, and honestly that's not doing much for me anymore. I can no longer trick myself into fake happiness to try and stave off my pain.
So that's that then. Sorry if you read this sob story , I just felt like writing it down somewhere while the voices were still saying it all to me in my mind.
  
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Just try to be happy instead of successful. If you're having fun it doesn't matter if you're not the best.
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United States15275 Posts
I'm sorry, I thought this would be a blog about Cowboy Bebop.
I felt like that throughout my high school years and it nearly destroyed me in college. It took me 3 years just to motivate myself to do the simplest things. You can reverse the state of your life but it takes a damn lot of work.
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Shit man 
I may not be able to empathize 100%, but I definitely sympathize with what you're saying. Wish I could help in some way, but for what it's worth, it's not so much a "it'll get better idea" as I see it, so much as a "enjoy what you have for what it is, and just have fun instead of striving for some success", to put it one way. Hope you feel better, sometimes I feel the same way as well
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On November 05 2012 10:13 Requizen wrote:
The mantle of mediocrity is one of the heavier ones to bear, but one that you'll get no recognition for. To spend your entire life failing at everything you try seriously, but doing well enough at anything to get by passably, is something that most people don't really understand. Everyone has at least one thing they're good at, right? You'd think. Instead, I've just given up trying to find it.
Most people are mediocre. You don't get recognized for being like most people. Plenty of people fail repeatedly before succeeding (and of course many never succeed). Your self pity is not unique and tragic. Your giving up is banal.
So you have tried a bunch of things, lost interest in them or outright failed at all of them? Great. You are making progress toward what you actually need to be doing. You have eliminated several possibilities. If you give up, you know you will never be anything. If you keep trying new things, you will maximize your chance at finding something that enriches you. The longer it takes, the better your success will taste, and if you never find it, you can die honorably knowing that you never gave up.
So suck it up and go do something. My recommendation is to see a psychiatrist, as you seem seriously depressed. I doubt there is anyone on earth that has a lower opinion of you than you. Your brain is trapping you in a cycle of self-reinforcing negative thoughts. Those thoughts are irrational, but, being a slave (as are we all) to brain chemistry, you can't see it.
I'm 30 years old. I've tried and failed at a lot of things. I've also succeeded and then been disappointed by the lack of achievement I feel (as I am sure you have as well--in fact I bet you have succeeded in ways that impresses others, but because your brain is your enemy right now, you write off as being insignificant). The older you get, the harder it is to throw away your old life and start something new, but I am currently laying groundwork to do just that. Not because where I am isn't working, and not because I know I'm going to something better, but because there is a good enough chance to make it worth trying.
If you can get some help getting out of your own way, you will look back on yourself in a few years and wonder how you could ever have gotten such a warped view of life.
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I too thought this would be about Cowboy Bebop... After reading plz don't kill yourself. Second living a humble life really isn't that bad. Find someone you care about, work just hard enough to get a decent Job and plan a family, Have BBQs on weekends or go to a barcraft here or there. Raise your kids to be uber nerds and awesome people. Nothing Wrong with a humble life, if you want to be a rich person without working and have a fabulous life well that probably isn't going to happen.
I too am 23 just turned actually last September, I live a really mediocre life, but the main difference is I learned to be happy with it. Plan goals towards stuff I want and Cherish all the awesome events that pass by.
Maybe being a Buddhist helps with this but life is awesome in all forms.
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Average life span of a human being 23 years, no human has succeded after 23 years old, lol The doctor recommends that you watch more funny and happy anime like Lucky Star and School Rumble (extreme bias ^_^) or intriguing ones like Death Note and Code Geass (more bias yay). Thankfully, games are getting easier as they become more mainstream and appeal more to the masses, so perhaps try some social games like Guild Wars 2 where social interaction enhances the playing experience. OOH OOH that reminds me, Sword Art Online is a great anime about gamers who are stuck in a Virtual Reality MMO where if they die once, they die in real life, so it creates a whole new dynamic with social tensions with real connotations, I'd recommend you check it out as well if you like gaming in general (I don't like MMOs but I still found the anime great).
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On November 05 2012 12:08 SigmaoctanusIV wrote:
I too thought this would be about Cowboy Bebop... After reading plz don't kill yourself. Second living a humble life really isn't that bad. Find someone you care about, work just hard enough to get a decent Job and plan a family, Have BBQs on weekends or go to a barcraft here or there. Raise your kids to be uber nerds and awesome people. Nothing Wrong with a humble life, if you want to be a rich person without working and have a fabulous life well that probably isn't going to happen.
I too am 23 just turned actually last September, I live a really mediocre life, but the main difference is I learned to be happy with it. Plan goals towards stuff I want and Cherish all the awesome events that pass by.
Maybe being a Buddhist helps with this but life is awesome in all forms.
I agree with this, I was depressed until 25, but I have sort of relaxed into a humble simple life (you don't even have to have a lot of that, I don't put pressure to have a really decent job, maybe that will come if I really want more eventually) and everything's so much better, so much pressure off myself and I can just enjoy what I enjoy, not looking for some answer or something (I know when you are depressed you don't enjoy anything, but lifting pressure and accepting things let that come back for me).
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I think you need to fail more.
Keep doing it until you are not scared of people judging you when you fail any more (hint: no one cares when you fail at something except your parents). Then, when it doesn't bother you to fail any more, keep failing at stuff. Success is built upon mountains of failure, each one is a learning experience... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that...
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dont believe the lies bro. it sounds like a lot of this pressure is coming from within, not actually from society.
the fact is sometimes the best we can do is average. i do not believe that everyone is great at one thing, and our mission is to find that thing. what if we dont enjoy that thing?
as long as youre truly putting in an honest effort and can tell yourself you are doing the best you can then you should be satisfied. easier said than done because we all strive to be great at something, i mean who wouldnt want to be? all you can do is the best you can.
let me give you another angle. maybe being decent at a shit ton of things is "great" in of itself. a true 5 tool player; a renaissance man. think of a lot of the greats of any activity. the majority of them, will be less balanced individuals meaning they are great at something but probably god awful at something else. the idea being that they had to sacrifice something to become great. was it worth it? only the individual will know. obviously there are certain people who are great at many things and we can simply dismiss them as genetic outliers. jealousy at this point is a waste of energy.
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I think I am almost like you. Just not as bad yet. There are still some things I look forward to, but I have come to a stand still on where I want to go in life.
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United States24493 Posts
This is a tough issue.
If you don't think you can amount to anything, you are doing it wrong.
If you put yourself up on a pedestal, you are doing it wrong.
It seems to me like you are always doing one or the other, no matter how hard you try to walk the fine line in between them.
Life, to me, is about attitude more so than success. Each of us tries to find an approach to life that we can be proud of. The only thing all of these approaches should have in common, as I see it, is that we learn from our experiences and use them to help us in the future. I suggest you aim for this, if you aren't already. Good luck with it.
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There is an entire philosophy, existentialism devoted to this thought. I think you should read Nausea by Sartre or any of the main works of Soren Kierkegaard. Another thing that I see in this blog, that I, as a young adult, am comping with is the idea of having nothing. I think a lot of see other people and think the grass is greener, we see our parents and they have a lot; however, when we look at ourselves we see an enormous lacking. You aren't nearly as mediocre as you think, I think you need to go out and search for the thing you are great at. So far you write great blogs, so you aren't mediocre at that  .
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Stop waiting. You can do it! Find the balance in life and you'll be much, much happier.
+ Show Spoiler +I rated it a five not cause seeing you suffer is awesome, but it seemed like a nice thing to do.
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I'm 24, I have jack shit for success potential, and I can't even pay off all these god damn student loans. Your post really resonates with me.
My only exposure to your posting is in ADT but you seem like a legit guy there. Just know that you and your life probably have a lot more in store than you give them credit for.
Come to #TLADT sometime; maybe we can cheer you up
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On November 05 2012 13:55 docvoc wrote:There is an entire philosophy, existentialism devoted to this thought. I think you should read Nausea by Sartre or any of the main works of Soren Kierkegaard. Another thing that I see in this blog, that I, as a young adult, am comping with is the idea of having nothing. I think a lot of see other people and think the grass is greener, we see our parents and they have a lot; however, when we look at ourselves we see an enormous lacking. You aren't nearly as mediocre as you think, I think you need to go out and search for the thing you are great at. So far you write great blogs, so you aren't mediocre at that .
Reading Nausea was at like one of the peaks of my depression personally, it was too negativity reinforcing. The existential works always seemed to leave me with more questions, more desperate to find that answer that doesn't exist, although it does have what you have to realize, there's no actual answer out there except to do what you like in life.
That you aren't failing at life or failing to find meaning, or anything, it's actually just living (aka succeeding at living) cause there's really nothing to fail, it's all made up and just the paths lives take and it's actually good to fail to follow someone else's/"society's" path they've defined for you. It's just the more pressure you put on yourself, the more likely you are to see things through failure-vision.
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On November 05 2012 10:36 CosmicSpiral wrote:
I'm sorry, I thought this would be a blog about Cowboy Bebop.
Same T_T
Failure is a part of life OP. When I read that you only got C's in school, I don't think that you failed though. I think you just haven't found something that you are really passionate about in your life. I think that is your problem.
Hell, I am in a worse spot then you are, so are a lot of other people. I haven't been able to find a job in forever, and it's not like I can go to school because I have no money and can't get scholarships so im shit of out luck right now. Add into that being broke with no medical/dental insurance and now you have a shitty life. I can only hope the economy will unshit itself so I can fucking do something, then I look to get a job overseas somewhere. I haven't thought it through that much but its something. You need to find some goal to achieve even if its just trivial day-to-day stuff. There is always something you can do.
Can't just give up so easily.
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If you don´t feel entitled to something, then things can turn around quite quickly, preferably by finding or being found by a mate. And while it´s easy to think that success makes attractive (which is kinda true), being self-aware also does.
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Most people are mediocre. The vast majority. But lets face it, your life wouldn't be any better just because you were the best at something. Best at physics? Nobody cares. Best at games? Admired by faceless teenagers. Best at soccer? Second half of your life you're a washed up hasbeen. Tons of women and money? Who are you trying to impress?
Nothing really matters, but what definitely makes life easier is friends, people who are as mediocre as you, who you can exist with, who have their own problems that you can relate to and sympathize with.
You can't "win" at life. You don't even have to play if you don't really want to, just know that things are never as bad as they seem, and that depression is pretty much 100% in your head.
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EPT
