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Allright im pissed off. I was planning to change my life these hoildays, to become something better, to start working harder, communicating more and start working out.
Right now it feels like all I've done is go on the computer, play laggy, frustrating games of Starcraft 2 and wasted a couple of days on Torchlight.
But I haven't. I've seen a couple of friends, tried to make arrangements to see some others and stayed up late into the night, talking about my emotions, my troubles and my fears with a friend.
Its just that I feel like right now, I have a scapegoat for all my failures, all my awkward comments, stares and silences. My anxiety.
See, I always just thought I was a quiet, special little snowflake that could never properly fit in with everyone else.
However, thanks to alcohol and talking to tohers, I've found that noone properly fits in with anyone. My only issues is subconciously/conciously thinking about every little thing that ever happens. If I can fix that, then hopefuly life will become a lot easier.
If not, well I can always find another scapegoat.
+ Show Spoiler +
Allright. That was a fucking terrible blog. But heres why.
Right now, I am acturally very angry. I feel trapped almost. I feel like I have the potentinal for greatness, but my issues are holding me back. I keep on putting off improving my life for so long, that I don't know if I have it in me to bring this kind of change. Also I'm very impaitent and I feel like my time is running out (Most of my friends are going straight to uni next year, I don't even think I have the marks to get there.
I just feel like I have so much pressure on my back and I feel like no-one really wants to help me. It seems like I have noone to turn to for help. I am trapped within my own head. Please help me out.
 
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we've all had these kinds of moments, I never had the grades to go to college and felt the same way, but lately I've realized (after actually going to college for 2 years) that it wasn't even for me in the first place and that sometimes just finding something anything to force yourself into awkward moments helps you overcome the anxiety (even harder than it sounds I know)
tbh what i would do is just find something to force you to confront your anxiety. for me it was my first job now keep in mind that i am EXTREMELY shy and awkward but they put me on the cash register forcing me to talk to and interact with EVERY person that came to the store day in and day out, after a few months I was a lot more comfortable in awkward situations and began just laughing them off. because everyone is a little awkward in some situations so most people can understand what it's like
I often feel trapped in my head and times like that i just write out my thoughts in a small word document, helps get the thoughts out somewhere
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16935 Posts
Nothing wrong with not going to university. Why not just TAFE it or be a tradesman? You can make a great living as a carpenter or landscaper or any other number of jobs that don't immediately require a university degree. I think society places too much of an emphasis on getting a university education without realizing how important and rewarding other career paths may be.
That being said, since you're in Australia, at least you won't be saddled with $200,000+ worth of debt upon graduation if you do decide to go.
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So you were planning all these things.... What made you choose them? It can't be that you know you'll be happy, or that life will be 'easier' when you've achieved them, because you can't possibly know what it would be like until you actually do achieve them! You want to start working out because you like the feeling of the benefits that you imagine you'll get (Remember, you can't possibly know until you get there. Observing others doesn't give you subjective experience). It's an ego trip my friend: You feel problem <x> right now so you fabricate a path in your mind to solve the problem. Feels good to know you've got a path to happiness laid out, doesn't it. High-5, mind! You've solved the future problem AND the present problem...... and now back in reality...
I'm just past 25 and have been failing my 'plans' horribly for the past 10 years. Now I've thrown plans out the window and I'm trying to live by values, not lay down a symbolic pathway of what I think I want and then try to mould life around it. In my experience, desire can be a dangerously flawed. I find that I only get things done when I know them to be the right thing to do, when they are aligned with my purpose (however in tune with it I may be at the time). Any less and there is always resistance.
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Is it me or are there are lot of people like you (and me) on this website? People who are intelligent, aced easy tests in early school but found it harder when pure hard work rather than capability became more important, but also socially awkward, who are all certain they will be capable of greatness, AND who all fail to live up to this potential, AND all play video games a hell of a lot? It seems like I see people like that on TL all the time.
I remember when someone put up a myers briggs personality test poll, the most represented personality (the general) was actually one that is SUPPOSED to be, in 'normal' society, 2-3%. TL is definitely full of certain types of personality and yours seems to actually be a common one rather than a unique one! Quite a disturbing feeling I know, we can't all achieve greatness, in fact the majority of us will probably just be frustrated as to our ambitions and will constantly rely on the therapy of escapism that is video gaming. T_T
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On June 30 2012 21:23 sc4k wrote:
Is it me or are there are lot of people like you (and me) on this website? People who are intelligent, aced easy tests in early school but found it harder when pure hard work rather than capability became more important, but also socially awkward, who are all certain they will be capable of greatness, AND who all fail to live up to this potential, AND all play video games a hell of a lot? It seems like I see people like that on TL all the time.
I remember when someone put up a myers briggs personality test poll, the most represented personality (the general) was actually one that is SUPPOSED to be, in 'normal' society, 2-3%. TL is definitely full of certain types of personality and yours seems to actually be a common one rather than a unique one! Quite a disturbing feeling I know, we can't all achieve greatness, in fact the majority of us will probably just be frustrated as to our ambitions and will constantly rely on the therapy of escapism that is video gaming. T_T
Yes, even though this is boosting my own ego, I feel this so much.
However, we're fucking useless if we can't work hard though.
Fuck.
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On June 30 2012 20:14 Empyrean wrote:
Nothing wrong with not going to university. Why not just TAFE it or be a tradesman? You can make a great living as a carpenter or landscaper or any other number of jobs that don't immediately require a university degree. I think society places too much of an emphasis on getting a university education without realizing how important and rewarding other career paths may be.
That being said, since you're in Australia, at least you won't be saddled with $200,000+ worth of debt upon graduation if you do decide to go.
This is a great reply!
Don't feel like you're useless if you don't go to university right away (or ever). There is a such an emphasis placed on it, yet so many job fields are starving for hard working people who are trained in the trades. You can take an apprenticeship where you get paid the whole time to learn. There is an understated value to working in the field as you learn how to do the more specialized job that many don't appreciate.
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I was there (where you are now) the spring before my final high-school exams. You probably haven't started cutting yet - don't, it doesn't help. The most important thing is to keep on trucking and not succumb to the lie of inadequacy. Its a terrible cycle of realizing you want to change, but you don't change ~enough~ because your expectations are unrealistically high. Then you get all discouraged cause you 'failed', then you get in more a slump, and it easily escalates into full-blown depression.
the way you break that sort of self-destructive cycle is to really consider your aspirations and ambitions, and weed out the ones that you are not currently in a position to fulfill. That doesn't mean you can never achieve them, but right now, you've got other stuff to focus on and build yourself up with before you can progress to the more advanced stuff.
Set realistic expectations and goals, and do your best to fulfill them. (actually a really important tool against depression) Accomplish SOMETHING every day. It doesn't have to be huge, but its crucial that you complete at least one small goal each day that you can take pride in. That's an improvement on yesterday, you're doing better = encouragement.
Also, when you screw up, its important to not blow that out of proportion. Say you don't get all that you planned to do done, or you just f'ed off and played SC/fapped instead of doing stuff that you really needed to do, but didn't face. That's a loss, but you haven't lost the war, so never give up and concede defeat! Its really important to not give the negative opressive thoughts of failure and inadequacy ANY room in your mind. Ok, you screwed up, but that's what today's for, to get another chance to make incremental improvements. And gradually you'll work your way out of it.
There's more damage control stuff you can adopt too, but you don't sound that bad off (stay there, dun slide down that slippery slope of angst and mope!). And remember, if you need people to talk to, to write a frustrated heartfelt PM to, or just to vent, surprisingly enough there are ALWAYS LOTS of people on TL who know exactly what its like to be in your spot, even to the extent of struggling with playing SC! So don't hesitate and people will be glad to type through some of ya issues with you - me for example, go for it!
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On June 30 2012 21:23 sc4k wrote:
Is it me or are there are lot of people like you (and me) on this website? People who are intelligent, aced easy tests in early school but found it harder when pure hard work rather than capability became more important, but also socially awkward, who are all certain they will be capable of greatness, AND who all fail to live up to this potential, AND all play video games a hell of a lot? It seems like I see people like that on TL all the time.
You nailed me and about 50% of TL right there.
Smart, but to lazy. More friends in the internet than IRL.
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On June 30 2012 21:23 sc4k wrote:
Is it me or are there are lot of people like you (and me) on this website? People who are intelligent, aced easy tests in early school but found it harder when pure hard work rather than capability became more important, but also socially awkward, who are all certain they will be capable of greatness, AND who all fail to live up to this potential, AND all play video games a hell of a lot? It seems like I see people like that on TL all the time.
Noticed the same thing when I started reading TL blogs more. Surprising.
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On June 30 2012 21:23 sc4k wrote:
Is it me or are there are lot of people like you (and me) on this website? People who are intelligent, aced easy tests in early school but found it harder when pure hard work rather than capability became more important, but also socially awkward, who are all certain they will be capable of greatness, AND who all fail to live up to this potential, AND all play video games a hell of a lot? It seems like I see people like that on TL all the time.
Yeah yeah, great potential, procrastination victim, rable rable rable. Stop fapping and everything will naturally come in order. Everything except you, hopefully.
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You are already on the right way 
Some tips from me based on my own experience and research, hopefully its a bit helpful (I suggest you also do some research about it):
Stop playing sc and torchlight if its frustrating or timewasting. Find out what you really want. I know its not that easy.
Don't compare yourself to others.
Forget the past. It's over and you cant change it anymore, so just move on. There is nothing to regret because every mistake is an opportunity to learn.
Forget the future, its not there yet, it exists only in your imagination.
Life in the present moment. Accept it and dont forget that it will never come again, no matter if its a good or bad moment.
Eat healthy, drink enough, do some sport. You'll feel more powerful.
Is it me or are there are lot of people like you (and me) on this website? People who are intelligent, aced easy tests in early school but found it harder when pure hard work rather than capability became more important, but also socially awkward, who are all certain they will be capable of greatness
Yes, I'm one of them too, however I'm slowly changing myself and I can work hard if I have enough motivation (wich I don't have atm regarding studying for uni -.-).
Social skills come with practice, and imo this people here generally lack it simply because they can do fine without much guys around them (For example finding joy in playing games). It seems like the people with good social skills are the one who are easily bored when alone.
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EPT
