[The Ghetto Cook] VI: French F***ing Toast

Newbistic

China2912 Posts

September 10 2011 18:23 GMT

The Ghetto Cook 1000th Post Special
Episode Six: French Fucking Toast

Introduction

Bonjour ladies, gentlemen, and gentlemen pretending to be ladies on the internet, welcome to the 1000th post special installment of TGC!

In this special installment, I will be showing you how to make french toast from scratch. Not scratch as in "go buy a loaf of brioche and some eggs", but as in "go buy some flour and yeast and make some real fuckin french toast". That's right, from flour to french toast, all doable in the safety and comfort of your own home.

This installment will be divided into two sections: the first detailing how to make baguettes, and the second detailing how to make french toast out of your baguettes. If you just want to make baguettes you can just read the first part, and if you only want to make french toast you can go out and buy a loaf of bread and skip ahead to the second part. If you plan to follow the entire process, you should know that you will need roughly 24 hours to go from flour to french toast, so plan accordingly if timing is an issue. Most of this time is just waiting time.

Part I: The Baguette

Before We Begin: As in the ghetto cook tradition, this recipe has been cheap-assified so that I don't cross the line from poor as fuck over into dead broke. I'm using regular unbleached all-purpose flour instead of bread flour. Read on to find out what's the difference and what you can do if you've got bread flour instead of all-purpose flour.

Also, a word on bread machines: Fuck Bread Machines. They won't ever help you become better at bread making, and if you can afford to own one you might as well just buy the fucking french toast right from the fucking store.

Salt not pictured. But fuck if that's the only thing you're missing you probably shouldn't be cooking. At all. Ever.

Ingredients:

4+ cups All Purpose Flour*
1 1/2 cups warm water, between 110-120F**
1 oz yeast, roughly a teaspoonful or so
1 tsp sugar
2 tsp salt
Oil, any edible, liquid kind

You will also need: A medium-sized mixing bowl capable of holding all the ingredients, a second mixing bowl OR a deep pot, some form of measuring cup, a large, flat, clean surface for working the dough, a baking sheet, parchment paper OR aluminum foil.

*Okay, this stuff is pretty cheap. If you've got or can afford bread flour, I highly recommend you use that stuff instead, and a separate recipe such as this one (Youtube; three parts). Bread flour has a higher protein content than all-purpose flour. This means that it can hold more water (uses a different flour-to-water ratio), and produces a better baguette in general. All bakery baguettes use bread flour.
**Very important that the temperature is in this range. See this previous installment of TGC as to why.

Procedure:

Begin by dumping the yeast and sugar into the mixing bowl. The sugar is there to provide food for the yeast and kick start its activation. Pour 1 1/2 cups of warm water into the yeast/sugar mixture and cover with a lid/towel/something for 5 minutes.

A nice warm vomit color, goes well with the wallpaper.

This step serves two purposes: it proofs the yeast to test to see if it is working and it mixes part of the required ingredients together. At the end of 5 minutes, there should be a layer of foam on top of the water, like this:

Billions of yeast cells eating, drinking, shitting, and fucking, brought to you uncensored by yours truly.

If there is no foam on top of the water, that means either your water is of the wrong temperature or the yeast is no longer active. You should start over until you get the foam.

Gradually mix four cups of flour, initially with the help of a spatula or spoon and later with your hands, until they are all incorporated. You can either mix the salt into the flour before adding the flour to the yeast water mixture, or after the flour is incorporated. Do NOT add salt directly into the yeast/water mixture, as that will kill all the yeast instantly and you'll have to restart.

You know, bakers and drug dealers aren't so different at times...

When the dough has become a coherent mass, dump it out onto a flat, floured surface and begin kneading the dough. If you are using all-purpose flour, 4 cups of flour should be just perfect to absorb 1 1/2 cups of water so that you can work the dough without it being sticky. If the dough is sticky for you, feel free to gradually flour the board and your hands until it is no longer sticky.

Knead the dough for 8-10 minutes. What you basically want to do is stretch the dough without tearing it, then fold the dough back unto itself, rotate the dough, and stretch it out again. If you google on how to knead the dough you'll find everyone uses a different method, so pick one that works for you. As you knead, the dough will become smoother. At the end of the kneading process, shape the dough into a ball.

Hairless

As you can see, my ball of dough isn't completely smooth. This is because I've only recently begun to make bread so my kneading skills and baking knowledge aren't that high. Also, if you use bread flour you should end up with a smoother dough. If your dough ended up rather rough or crappy, don't worry, you'll get better with practice.

Grab your second mixing bowl/deep pot, and lightly oil the surface. Place your ball of dough into the pot and roll it around to cover it in oil. Cover the bowl/pot. Let sit for 90 minutes.

At the end of 90 minutes, your dough should have at least doubled. Gently punch the dough down to deflate it, and transfer dough from pot back onto your flat work surface.

Do this gently, no falcon punches.

At this point, you can either make one long baguette, two shorter ones, or three even shorter ones. I generally divide the dough into three so the loaves can fit on the baking sheet. Prepare your baking sheet by covering with parchment paper/aluminum foil. Liberally flour the surface if you are using aluminum foil. Roll each portion of dough into a long, thin loaf shape. You may wish to Youtube for shaping instructions by professional bakers for this process, since its complicated and better seen than read. Transfer the loafs onto your baking sheet and diagonally score thrice at equidistant intervals, like this:

You're almost home free

Let the loaves sit for another 20 minutes so that they can rise. Meanwhile, prepare your oven. Ideally, you should rearrange the racks in your oven so that there is one rack right in the middle, and another rack below the middle rack. Place an oven-safe pan or pot on the rack below the middle rack, and fill it with water. This will provide a nice steam bath that will help your loaves get a nice crust and soft chewy center. Pre-heat your oven to 500F, which should be as hot as most ovens would go.

At the end of 20 minutes, your loaves should have grown a bit in size:

Fahrenheit 451: the temperature at which books burn, and bread is undercooked

Pop the suckers into the oven for about 15 minutes. BE VERY FUCKING CAREFUL AT THIS POINT IN TIME. All ovens behave differently and vary in temperatures differently. Start checking on your bread at about the 10-12 minute mark. As soon as the crust is golden brown, that shit is DONE and you pull it out of the oven. It's very easy to burn the crust.

A bit rough around the edges :/ Still working on it.

Transfer the loaves onto a plate or some other surface and flip them over. This will prevent steam buildup from immediately softening the crust. Your baguettes are now ready for consumption.

Ideally, your baguette should be chewy and airy on the inside with a nice crust on the outside. It shouldn't be dense on the inside, although if you are using all-purpose flour and/or have inadequate kneading skills that is unavoidable. Keep practicing and your baguettes will turn out better every time.

Possible Serving Suggestion
+ Show Spoiler +

Slice diagonally, rub butter and garlic on both sides, toast for 3-4 minutes per side at medium heat in a dry pan.

Part I Fin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part II: French Toast

This recipe is adapted from Alton Brown's recipe for french toast found here. If you know who this guy is, you know he knows what the fuck he's doing. This is also the first recipe I've found that's quick and easy to follow and doesn't require shit like soaking overnight or w/e shenanigans. Feel free to follow his recipe if you want to "do it right". I've switched around a couple of ingredients and other things since I like to play fast and loose with my recipes. Explanation for ingredient switches will be detailed below.

If you have skipped part 1 and decide to follow part 2 with store-bought bread, you can use any sturdy bread with a nice defined crust. The bread I'm using specifically is a baguette. Other breads/rolls can work if they're sturdy, which means no Wonderbread or shit like that.

Preparation for french toast begins roughly 24 hours ahead of time, 12 hours if you live in a dry climate. Diagonally slice your loaves into about 1 inch slices, as many slices as you're preparing to serve. Spread them out in the open on a clean surface to stale.

Your loadout for this mission

Ingredients:

1 egg per 4-5 slices of toast
1 cup milk (any type, I used skim) per 4-5 slices of toast*
3/4 cup sugar per 4-5 slices of toast
1/2 tsp salt
Margarine or Butter
Cinnamon (optional)
Vanilla Extract (optional)
Slices of your dried out bread

You will also need: 1 deep, flat-bottomed container or pan, 1 non-stick pan, 1 oven, 1 baking sheet, aluminum foil.

*The original recipes calls for half-and-half. Skim isn't as tasty, but works fine.

Bonus Rant: Here's the part that disturbs me the most during my journeys in learning western cuisine: how fucking unhealthy all of this shit is. There isn't a single god damned recipe out there that doesn't call for 15 sticks of butter, or 12 quarts of cream, or 16 cups of sugar or w/e else that causes heart disease or diabetes. If you want to make something right it'll definitely make you obese. Fucking retarded. That's basically why I try to modify recipes to tone down on the fat and sugar. Feel free to use the original recipes since they definitely will taste better. End rant.

Procedure:

Combine egg(s), milk, sugar, salt, cinnamon, vanilla in your deep container with the flat bottom and beat until uniform. This will form your basic custard in which you will soak the bread.

Hmm, this is the second time in recent memory that a recipe begins with a vomit colored liquid

Take your pieces of bread and soak them in the custard for 30 seconds per side. If the slices of bread float, and they probably will, press then into the custard with your hands and wiggle around lightly to work out the air bubbles. Don't worry of the slices are not completely drenched.

Water boarding is torture, but custard boarding is delicious

Feel free to place the soaked slices wherever is convenient for now. For me, I have my baking sheet lined with aluminum foil and already lightly oiled to prevent the slices from sticking, like this:

Look at me I'm white and soggy...

At this point, I find that the slices can still absorb some custard. Take a spoon, and spoon a small amount of custard onto each slice of bread. Meanwhile, fire up your stove to medium heat and melt 1 tbsp of butter in the pan. Fry the slices of bread 2 slices at a time for 3-4 minutes per side, until the flat surfaces are golden brown. Do not be afraid to replenish the butter if your slices are absorbing the oil, especially since you're using skim milk like I am. I find that 1 tbsp of butter will fry approximately 4 slices of toast. At the same time, preheat your oven to 375F.

AKA Freedom Toast, for the true Americans.

Place the fried slices on the oiled, aluminum foiled baking sheet. Once all the slices are fried, pop the suckers into the oven for 5 minutes.

The Magnificent Seven. Before their descent into the dark fiery pit.

After 5 minutes, remove slices from oven and serve immediately. Goes well with any type of syrup, jam, or fruit compote. If you don't have anything like that on hand and are feeling economical, sift a couple of spoonfuls of flour and dump a couple of spoonfuls of sugar into the remaining custard you have. Heat over low heat in a small pot while stirring constantly until the mixture thickens. Dip with french toast.

The Result

After the oven treatment. Nothing's changed appearance-wise, so uhh, yeah...

5 / 5 Are you expecting anything less from the 1000th post special? Even with skim milk, these are the best french fuckin' toast I've ever tasted. Frying them in butter more than makes up for not using half and half. Seriously, try this shit out, even if you skip the first part and use store bought baguettes. You won't regret it.

Epilogue

Thus concludes the sixth episode of TGC. As always, questions and comments are welcome, especially if you're an expert on this stuff and know where I've gone wrong. If you're still itching to cook something else tasty but are on a tight budget please check out these previous installments of TGC:

Broccoli and Cheddar Soup
Cheapass Chili
Scallion Biscuits
Fake Fried Rice
Pan Fried Buns Part I
Pan Fried Buns Part II

Until next time, so long, ~~suckers~~ fellow food enthusiasts!

.FIN.

N3rV[Green]

United States1935 Posts

September 10 2011 18:42 GMT

NONONONONO FUCK ITS ALL WRONG.

Ok dude, next time you make french toast, you take it out of the pan, put it on a plate, sprinkle sugar over the top of the bread with a spoon, then take half a lemon and squeeze fresh lemon juice over the sugar to create a lemony-sugary-gooy layer of all that is good on this Earth.

Then you eat it.

DO NOT ATTEMPT ANYTHING OTHER FOR THAT IS BLASPHEMY.

This is all.

PS. major props for making your own bread like a real man.

divito

Canada1213 Posts

September 10 2011 18:58 GMT

Did I read that right, soaking for 30 minutes per side?

And though I might try the first iteration with purchased bread, having the recipe there does make me want to give my own a go. Definitely bookmarking this.

Newbistic

China2912 Posts

September 10 2011 19:05 GMT

On September 11 2011 03:58 divito wrote:
Did I read that right, soaking for 30 minutes per side?

And though I might try the first iteration with purchased bread, having the recipe there does make me want to give my own a go. Definitely bookmarking this.

Oh shit rofl, nice catch.

That's 30 seconds, it's fixed now. Quite a big mistake

Espelz

Germany818 Posts

September 10 2011 19:23 GMT

Yay

Another food blog from you !

Grats on your 1 K posts, and thank you for your nice blogs. Always enjoy reading them.

jon arbuckle

Canada443 Posts

September 10 2011 20:09 GMT

Nice bread-baking tutorial.

On September 11 2011 03:23 Newbistic wrote:
Bonus Rant: Here's the part that disturbs me the most during my journeys in learning western cuisine: how fucking unhealthy all of this shit is. There isn't a single god damned recipe out there that doesn't call for 15 sticks of butter, or 12 quarts of cream, or 16 cups of sugar or w/e else that causes heart disease or diabetes. If you want to make something right it'll definitely make you obese. Fucking retarded. That's basically why I try to modify recipes to tone down on the fat and sugar. Feel free to use the original recipes since they definitely will taste better. End rant.

More French cooking, for which eggs and butter are Jesus and John the Baptist.

As you probably know from Alton Brown, pain perdu is stale bread infused with a sweet custard (for which the half-and-half provides backbone and mouthfeel and character, but I understand), browned, and then baked to set the interior. The honey in AB's recipe gives the bread's interior a sharp, deliciously sweet tone that rivals any French toast recipe I've ever tried, especially when using thick (1") pieces sliced on the bias. Buying honey on sale or buying honey at farmer's markets will cut down the cost considerably, although I dunno how many farmer's markets there are in the ghetto qua mindstate.

But served with some blueberries and maple syrup it's God's breakfast.

Yeah, French food will fuck you up if you eat it and then sit in a chair all day. Any day beginning with French toast for me is one where I plan to be running around for at least six hours. Not sure how to negotiate like a beurre blanc or hollandaise around this, though.

theshin2007

United States133 Posts

September 10 2011 20:38 GMT

Not going to lie, I don't ordinarily take the time to rate blogs, but this one is a 5. Entertaining and delicious. Well played, ser, well played.

Newbistic

China2912 Posts

September 11 2011 01:48 GMT

On September 11 2011 05:09 jon arbuckle wrote:
Nice bread-baking tutorial.

Show nested quote +

Well it's not just French food, there's a ton of other stuff that uses way too much butter/cream/egg yolks/sugar than I'd like too, like cinnamon rolls, bread pudding, mac n' cheese, various soups, biscuits, casseroles, other baked goods, etc.

When I try to cook something new, I usually read through 5-6 recipes online to get a general idea, and then merge the cheapest/least oiliest options into a recipe I use for myself. But sometimes all of the recipes call for a shit ton of butter and it gets depressing really fast.

But thanks for the honey tip, I was wondering what it would add and your post is enlightening

jon arbuckle

Canada443 Posts

September 11 2011 02:48 GMT

On September 11 2011 10:48 Newbistic wrote:

Show nested quote +

Cinnamon buns get their distinctive stick from the fact that the dough has more sugar and fat than a normal bread. Bread pudding, like French toast, is a custard + stale bread operation. Mac 'n' cheese is commonly bound by a custard and/or a mornay sauce. Biscuits get their texture from cutting solid fat into the dough. And so on and so on. These are all examples of dishes that get their distinctive qualities from the presence of fat and sugar. No one should make and eat cinnamon buns and expect to not ingest fat and sugar.

But I would advise you to get over the butter issue. Butter tastes great and performs beautifully if you treat it right. Without butter, French toast or, god forbid, an omelette wouldn't taste the same to me.

Enough negativity: because of this blog, I will probably make baguettes this week (though I was already planning to make cinnamon buns tomorrow). Thanks!

supaplex

United States75 Posts

September 11 2011 02:57 GMT

#10

Nice writing, where do you go to college?

FranzP

France270 Posts

September 14 2011 12:03 GMT

#11

@jon arbuckle
Usually we don't eat "pain perdu" for breakfast in France. It's kind of a dessert.

@The ghetto cook
And yeah we put a lot of butter and creme fraiche in everything we eat but it's because a lot of the recipe in french traditional gastronomy come from poor peasant people (I'm not talking about high end food which is usually not so oily and shit).

When you're a peasant and it's -10°C outside and you have to fucking lead all the cows from one pasture to another it's good to have that little coat of fat around your body.

Anyway thanks a lot for all the recipes newbistic It's always a great read !

dakalro

Romania525 Posts

September 14 2011 12:20 GMT

#12

Fat and sugar don't make you fat. It's a wrong idea people get from idiots. Not being active enough is what makes people fat.

Fatty foods are godly on a cold day (and I do mean cold) when you have to move around outside.

I've eaten fresh milk (the kind you milk from the cow at 5 am and boil then drink, the fatty foam is awesome and I miss it in the chemical they now call milk), cream (the kind that you skim off of yogurt) and cheese pretty much my entire youth (am a fat city dweller now, though still underweight by all standards).

Pork is quite common and chicken tend to have quite a bit more fat than your usual supermarket pumped up bird.

I have yet to see anyone that used all that energy get fat. I mean the eskimos ate only meat and fat and they were quite quite fit.

I've only started putting on a bit of fat once I've stopped being active (12h+ a day sitting in a chair - I call this veggie).

PS: nice recipes, quite fun to experiment with ingredients :D

Azera

3800 Posts

September 14 2011 12:54 GMT

#13

Looks so good. Making me hungry. Love the series.

OmniEulogy

Canada6590 Posts

September 14 2011 13:11 GMT

#14

I actually use these to make some food

Thank you and keep them coming! ^^ I enjoy reading them. You make it simple enough for me to understand =p lol

TimmyMac

Canada499 Posts

September 14 2011 15:07 GMT

#15

Not bad. You can make better baguettes by axing the sugar and making a flour-water-yeast poolish the day before baking it. That way the yeast has time to work on the flour and add all its deliciousness. Looks like you might want to up the hydration too, they look kinda dry

muse5187

1125 Posts

September 14 2011 15:17 GMT

#16

Growing up in a french speaking household my mom used to make us this all the time. she used regular sandwich bread though. Yumm pain perdu. Those look very good and fancy!

kakaman

United States1576 Posts

September 14 2011 15:36 GMT

#17

French toast without challah bread is not french toast...just no

Newbistic

China2912 Posts

September 14 2011 16:29 GMT

#18

On September 15 2011 00:07 TimmyMac wrote:
Not bad. You can make better baguettes by axing the sugar and making a flour-water-yeast poolish the day before baking it. That way the yeast has time to work on the flour and add all its deliciousness. Looks like you might want to up the hydration too, they look kinda dry

I had to wikipedia what a poolish is :o

This is very interesting, I will try this out and maybe blog about it if the result isn't a complete failure.

On September 15 2011 00:36 kakaman wrote:
French toast without challah bread is not french toast...just no

According to Jewish customs, Challah bread is supposed to be made without dairy products. To dunk the thing into a milk custard and then fry it in butter would kind of defeat this purpose, no?

It would be the equivalent of say, you sucking on a big pork sausage. Which is something you'd never do to be sure.

Ilikestarcraft

Korea (South)17718 Posts

September 14 2011 18:15 GMT

#19

Am I the only one who came to this blog because he saw the words French F***ing?

kakaman

United States1576 Posts

September 14 2011 19:28 GMT

#20

On September 15 2011 01:29 Newbistic wrote:

Show nested quote +

I had to wikipedia what a poolish is :o

This is very interesting, I will try this out and maybe blog about it if the result isn't a complete failure.

Show nested quote +

I think it depends on how religious you are. But Jewish Americans are the ones who started to use challah in french toast, and this is the predominant way to do it in the East Coast.

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