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Never been caught jackin' it, but I did get caught sleeping with my ex-girlfriend once by her family. Boy, that was awkward, but I couldn't help but laugh almost the entire time while I was wandering around Baltimore in the middle of the night after getting kicked out of the apartment. I just thought the whole situation was hilarious.
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I got caught before I even did it. It was when I was in 7th grade. While I joked a lot about pornography, I did not truly understand its purpose. That is, I did not know how to masturbate at that age although I have been viewing stillshots of porn for about 2 years and was already familiar with the intricacies of deleting history, cache, cookies, and temporary internet files. Well one time I was again just starting at porn with an enormous erection, unaware of what I am supposed to do, when suddenly my father was at the door, already turning the doorknob which I left unlocked as I thought he was at work. For some reason I was terrified to death of getting caught, so I quickly went into spiderman mode, closed the porn, deleted the history, opened BW and pulled up my pants. I think I had over 9000 APM right there. The only thing I couldn't finish doing was fully cover my penis and zip up my pants, but it was all covered by my T-Shirt. This proved to be a fatal mistake because the terror and the friction having so rapidly pulled my pants up caused an ejaculation. Imagine, my first ejaculation ever (and I was really aroused by porn at that point) and in such terrifying circumstances. As I nervously said hello to my dad, trying to make it look like I wasn't just starting at porn, giant wet spots were appearing on my T-shirt left and right for about 5 seconds. I think it was so intense that it was probably noticeable how the shirt fluttered with every blast. Oh God, that was the most intense pleasure I felt up to that point (and the most I ever got out of masturbation) and yet as I realized something was terribly terribly wrong, I felt like disappearing off the face of the earth. My dad played it off cool so I'm thankful to him for that, but about a week later when I figured out the information I'd been missing on masturbation and ejaculations, I realized fully just how ridiculous and obvious everything was. More pangs of embarrassment hit me. I don't think I can ever live this down.
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So few years ago my parents put our house for sale because we were moving. So at one day - few weeks after we put the house up - I am alone in the house and I know no one is supposed to come home for at least three hours. So in my room which is on 2nd floor, I turn on my computer, go to porn site and start jacking off with the speaker on somewhat loudly. And I hear someone saying "hello?" from the front door.
It turned out that jackass of the realtor decided to bring some interested buyers to the house without making prior appointment with us at all. I immediately turned the website off, pretended nothing happened, and three visitors had quick look around the house and left. SO THAT WAS AWKWARD.
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Oh god whoever bumped this thread just scarred me....
I don't think I can ever watch a day9 daily the same way again...
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On August 11 2008 07:49 CyuntiyuL wrote:Show nested quote +On August 11 2008 07:34 BuGzlToOnl wrote:
17 pages and not a single person walked into a girl masturbating? girls masturbating is a myth, i assure you.
Really?
3 years ago i went to a barbecue just outside the city, at a friends house. It held about until midnight, with a couple of friends of his and his parents. Everyone but his family+a couple (friends of his parents) left and i remained to spend the night over. About that couple, there was this ~40 years old guy with a ~35years old awesome chick (one freaking piece of pussy for her 35years.. looked like 25 at max).
So we go into his bedroom and were talking about how fine that chick looks and what would we do to her. Then my friend starts an evil laugh and tells me that maybe we can get to see her naked while happily jumping around and laughing. He told me he installed, some time ago, a piece of software on all the computers in that house some kind of trojan that let him see everything going on on the infected computer and take control of the webcam. And as the couple were supposed to sleep in his brothers room (he had a 19y brother which was gone at that time, and a 17y sister) if they open the computer we could gain control of the webcam and see her get undressed or even more (also my friends said that great trojan he's using doesn't make the webcam light turn on as if it's being used).
All great, and now we just wait and pray that they open up the computer so we can see something nice :D. Well, we waited for 30min but the computer didn't go on sadly. However now to prove me it works he connected to his sister's computer and took control of the webcam, and surprise surprise what do we see... it's his sister masturbating on her bed with a teddy bear (or we think it was a teddy bear, she was sitting on her bed which was about 2m from the webcam so we didn't see that detailed), when we saw that we both started laughing while looking with attention in the monitor. We just kept on watching for about 10-15min until we got bored. I think it made him horny too but he didn't admit it when asked if he'd screw his sister, he pretended he's just curious. Though his sister doesn't look that great, she's fuckable.
Girls do masturbate and when they do it... well they do it way longer.
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Thread = gold, i'm sad i missed you while i was lurking back then T_T...
Very Close calls numerous amount of times never 100% caught 
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Never been caught ^_^ haha not to say there has been some close calls.... o.o And yes girls do gosh. We are just sneakier and its way easier to hide lol Besides most people think we are innocent  haha
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Lots of close-calls, but nothing blatant.
I have no locks on the door so my mom just barged in one day, but luckily she didn't even look at me; she just dropped off the laundry and left. Thank god for headphones.
My grandma "caught" me in a sense, but she has horrible vision and can only see two feet in front of her. She pushed open the door and we met eyes - one hand under the covers and the other on the mouse. I played it off like I was reading a news article or something. She just wanted to ask what day it was. Go figure.
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I can only remember one close call. Other than that, it's been smooth sailing!
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On May 06 2010 03:17 Kashll wrote:
Oh god whoever bumped this thread just scarred me....
I don't think I can ever watch a day9 daily the same way again...
I live to scare.
And Day[9] wrote that article like he was transcribing one of his commentaries. Or does he always write like that (if so, I wanna see his last-written essay, whenever that might have been).
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This thread is both hilarious and painful to read cuz it just reminds me of all the times I've been exposed...
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I didn't realize there were 55 women that posted on these forums.
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Ah "Too big and too hard" being in the same top 5 as this at the same time
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Well since I don't make a habit of sitting around all-day jacking it (i.e. if I do it is in the evening), I've only had a couple of times where I almost got caught, but other than that I've been fairly good at choosing the right time, not the wrong time, to do it.
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I haven't been caught jacking off, but when a friend was visiting me with his g/f I was saving something in Firefox and you know how it shows the last folder saved to with images? Well, they saw my porn folder's thumbnails. They started laughing so hard. :< fffuuuuu- Firefox didn't have private browsing feature yet so for a while I was very paranoid about last saved to folder. 
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On July 19 2008 11:09 Day[9] wrote:Show nested quote +
WTF i get caught jacking off all the time
i'm not unlucky, its just standard probability. i beat off alot. seriously, i beat off like if i keep doing it, i'm gonna win something. its only natural people will stumble in eventually
FOR EXAMPLE
so i'm on this direct flight from claremont (my college town) back to kansas city (my home town) for winter break. since its a direct 3 hour flight, its too short for them to have "in flight entertainment," but its so long that i'm gonna be bored out of my god damn mind. so, of course, i'm like "i guess i'm beating off like 5 times during this flight."
its one of those small sized slingshot airplanes that goes really fast but is really unstable and has one tiny ass cramped aisle. so i'm sitting in my anorexic bucket seat w/ my shitty peanuts waiting for the plane to hit a high enough altitude when i finally hear: *ding* "this is your captain speaking, we have reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, you are now free to move about the cabin." "bink success!" i think to myself, "the time is right." of course i don't rush to the bathroom, no need for that. why not give myself a little tease. i gently, slowly unbuckle my seatbelt. I stand up, and stretch a little bit. I take a nice slow, leisurely walk to the bathroom at the back of the plane. masturbation this good deserves foreplay of its own.
i get to the bathroom, close the door, and sliiiiiide my pants on down and start working myself. oh holy LORD it's amazing. i mean, i don't know if you know this or not, but i am REALLY good at masturbating. I'm in a 2 square foot, dimly lit bathroom, but i feel so good my back is arching and my foot is cramping and i'm nearly ready to start screaming my own name.
then suddenly, TURBULENCE. AGH SHIT. I HATE turbulence. It's not that it makes me feel sick or nauseated. turbulence makes me feel like i'm about to die. So i'm trying to jack off, and suddenly the jerk in the plane floods my body w/ adrenaline and i grab the handle in the bathroom and i'm like "OH SHIT."
do you know how hard it is to cum when you feel like you're about to die??? I mean seriously, imagine jacking off while there's a guy w/ a loaded gun to your head and he's screaming "C'MON CUM YOU PUSSY, DO IT CUM." You'd be shivering w/ eyes closed, tears streaming down your face as you sputter through little snot bubbles just BEGGING your dick to come. "please cum!!!" you'd weep "i wanna cum soooo bad!!!!!"
so there i am trying to think of every dirty thing possible so i can finally orgasm, but all that's going through my mind is "god i need to reconcile with my dad and tell my brother i love him" etc etc and while i'm distracted in a mess of standard pre-death thoughts, i don't realize that i'm about to cum.
HOLY FUCK i say as i fumble and try to grab some kleenex from the box on the counter. however, in my stuttered panic, i just knock the kleenex box over, hit the "stewardess help button," and i cum directly onto the floor. still in a state of panic i'm like FUCKFUCKFUCK I NEED TO TURN THIS BUTTON OFF so of course i (geniusly) press it like 5 more times trying to turn this off. Naturally, the button just goes *ding ding ding ding*, making my situation seem all the more urgent, and i can hear the stewardess rushing to the door since i appear to be in desperate need of help.
"FOCUS SEAN FOCUS," i think, "I NEED TO HIDE MY DICK." so, (this is genius) i pick up the kleenex box from the floor, pull out 5 pieces of tissue, and i just lay them on top of my erection... so it looks kinda like a little dick tent. so, the stewardess, responding to my urgent spams of the "stewardess help button" proceeds to open the bathroom door just like i knew she was going to. She looks on the ground to see my epic protein stain, looks up at my glorious dicktent, and then you know what happens?? we make eye contact.
so she's looking at me, and i'm looking at her and in general i dislike awkward silences. however, this was an all KINDS of awkward silence, so i figured it was necessary to say something. so, i did the best i could. i look her right in the eye and say "... it is what it is..."
???? why did i say that???? what a stupid thing to say... well... i guess it's hard in that situation to "play it off cool." i can't be like "hey i know smoking isn't allowed on the plane, so do you have a stick of gum??"
so she shuts the door, and i clean myself up and spend another 3 minutes trying to clean up the mass of cum on the floor. even though i did a pretty good job, its damn hard to get that shine out of the laminate flooring. i'm finally done, so i open up the bathroom door to see a line of 10 or so people that's been building up since i went into the bathroom like 20 minutes ago (again, it took my a while since its difficult to cum when you think you're about to die). I get to look across the line of all of em, and say the only sensible thing i can think of:
"for those of you going to use the bathroom, i'd make sure you're wearing shoes."
I never laughed so hard while reading a text. Hilarious.
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Sometimes you lock the door but for some reason it's not really locked... yeah that's when you least expect it..
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On May 06 2010 04:56 Adonisto wrote:Show nested quote +On July 19 2008 11:09 Day[9] wrote:
WTF i get caught jacking off all the time
i'm not unlucky, its just standard probability. i beat off alot. seriously, i beat off like if i keep doing it, i'm gonna win something. its only natural people will stumble in eventually
FOR EXAMPLE
so i'm on this direct flight from claremont (my college town) back to kansas city (my home town) for winter break. since its a direct 3 hour flight, its too short for them to have "in flight entertainment," but its so long that i'm gonna be bored out of my god damn mind. so, of course, i'm like "i guess i'm beating off like 5 times during this flight."
its one of those small sized slingshot airplanes that goes really fast but is really unstable and has one tiny ass cramped aisle. so i'm sitting in my anorexic bucket seat w/ my shitty peanuts waiting for the plane to hit a high enough altitude when i finally hear: *ding* "this is your captain speaking, we have reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, you are now free to move about the cabin." "bink success!" i think to myself, "the time is right." of course i don't rush to the bathroom, no need for that. why not give myself a little tease. i gently, slowly unbuckle my seatbelt. I stand up, and stretch a little bit. I take a nice slow, leisurely walk to the bathroom at the back of the plane. masturbation this good deserves foreplay of its own.
i get to the bathroom, close the door, and sliiiiiide my pants on down and start working myself. oh holy LORD it's amazing. i mean, i don't know if you know this or not, but i am REALLY good at masturbating. I'm in a 2 square foot, dimly lit bathroom, but i feel so good my back is arching and my foot is cramping and i'm nearly ready to start screaming my own name.
then suddenly, TURBULENCE. AGH SHIT. I HATE turbulence. It's not that it makes me feel sick or nauseated. turbulence makes me feel like i'm about to die. So i'm trying to jack off, and suddenly the jerk in the plane floods my body w/ adrenaline and i grab the handle in the bathroom and i'm like "OH SHIT."
do you know how hard it is to cum when you feel like you're about to die??? I mean seriously, imagine jacking off while there's a guy w/ a loaded gun to your head and he's screaming "C'MON CUM YOU PUSSY, DO IT CUM." You'd be shivering w/ eyes closed, tears streaming down your face as you sputter through little snot bubbles just BEGGING your dick to come. "please cum!!!" you'd weep "i wanna cum soooo bad!!!!!"
so there i am trying to think of every dirty thing possible so i can finally orgasm, but all that's going through my mind is "god i need to reconcile with my dad and tell my brother i love him" etc etc and while i'm distracted in a mess of standard pre-death thoughts, i don't realize that i'm about to cum.
HOLY FUCK i say as i fumble and try to grab some kleenex from the box on the counter. however, in my stuttered panic, i just knock the kleenex box over, hit the "stewardess help button," and i cum directly onto the floor. still in a state of panic i'm like FUCKFUCKFUCK I NEED TO TURN THIS BUTTON OFF so of course i (geniusly) press it like 5 more times trying to turn this off. Naturally, the button just goes *ding ding ding ding*, making my situation seem all the more urgent, and i can hear the stewardess rushing to the door since i appear to be in desperate need of help.
"FOCUS SEAN FOCUS," i think, "I NEED TO HIDE MY DICK." so, (this is genius) i pick up the kleenex box from the floor, pull out 5 pieces of tissue, and i just lay them on top of my erection... so it looks kinda like a little dick tent. so, the stewardess, responding to my urgent spams of the "stewardess help button" proceeds to open the bathroom door just like i knew she was going to. She looks on the ground to see my epic protein stain, looks up at my glorious dicktent, and then you know what happens?? we make eye contact.
so she's looking at me, and i'm looking at her and in general i dislike awkward silences. however, this was an all KINDS of awkward silence, so i figured it was necessary to say something. so, i did the best i could. i look her right in the eye and say "... it is what it is..."
???? why did i say that???? what a stupid thing to say... well... i guess it's hard in that situation to "play it off cool." i can't be like "hey i know smoking isn't allowed on the plane, so do you have a stick of gum??"
so she shuts the door, and i clean myself up and spend another 3 minutes trying to clean up the mass of cum on the floor. even though i did a pretty good job, its damn hard to get that shine out of the laminate flooring. i'm finally done, so i open up the bathroom door to see a line of 10 or so people that's been building up since i went into the bathroom like 20 minutes ago (again, it took my a while since its difficult to cum when you think you're about to die). I get to look across the line of all of em, and say the only sensible thing i can think of:
"for those of you going to use the bathroom, i'd make sure you're wearing shoes."
I never laughed so hard while reading a text. Hilarious.
rofllllllll so funny xD
the world would be so much less fun without day[9]
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EPT
