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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
Sounds like confidence is your biggest issue Well to some degree, it's hard to be confident when you've never had any reason to be before, but yeah I'm working on it. On June 21 2015 05:29 LemOn wrote: might be worth it to friend zone yourself I have to say I did not expect an answer like this. I'm going away for a few weeks in a day or two so if I decide to do it I'll probably have to do it when I get back. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
just text her that she seems cool and friendly, and that you could use a friend to give you advice about girls since you're a virgin, and that you should get a coffee, lunch or something or whatever at one point after you come back since you're leaving. Then when you're with her just be completely honest about stuff you're doing - tinder, your struggles, even this thread - just don't fall for her and get every thought of getting with her out of your head, it takes discipline but if you manage to do that having an attractive social female friend is awesome and she'll make sure you'll get hooked up! | ||
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
On June 21 2015 06:30 LemOn wrote: you don't have to rly friendzoning's so easy, you can take steps right away - just message her a lot, share your feelings right away, don't make definite plans etc.Basically the opposite of how you'd act with a girl you want. just text her that she seems cool and friendly, and that you could use a friend to give you advice about girls since you're a virgin, and that you should get a coffee, lunch or something or whatever at one point after you come back since you're leaving. Then when you're with her just be completely honest about stuff you're doing - tinder, your struggles, even this thread - just don't fall for her and get every thought of getting with her out of your head, it takes discipline but if you manage to do that having an attractive social female friend is awesome and she'll make sure you'll get hooked up! Same advice if you have a gay friend? :D EDIT: You are good at making out? Should happen on the 1st date, or at the very least a kiss on the lips. If it doesn't and you truly want a relationship - move on and never see the girl again. You sure the kiss is necessary? Sounds complicated. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On June 21 2015 10:47 obesechicken13 wrote: Same advice if you have a gay friend? :D You sure the kiss is necessary? Sounds complicated. Well, yeah. If a long term relationship is what he's looking for and he hasn't been successful so far, the easiest way is to find girls where the mutual chemistry/compatibility is super high from the get go. And if you're 8/10+ chemically attracted to each other pretty much no matter what you do, she won't turn her head when you go for it, will break her own rules and will make dating easy for you as long as you give her space to express herself. Again I'm like 99% sure he was quickly in a relationship with the wrong girls in the first place, because he focused on getting a relationship, not if they are great for each other and even try to be in one in the first place. I think we've all done that at some point  | ||
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Grumbels
Netherlands7031 Posts
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Snotling
Germany885 Posts
On June 21 2015 20:04 Grumbels wrote: I read kindness, understanding and intelligence are the highest value attributes for partner choice across both sexes. in the long run, sure. but you wont get to the long run if your chemistry says no. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
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killa_robot
Canada1884 Posts
On June 21 2015 20:04 Grumbels wrote: I read kindness, understanding and intelligence are the highest value attributes for partner choice across both sexes. That's what people WANT others to think they want. Physical attractiveness is the most important attribute as far as both sexes are concerned though. It's just: A) It's kind of a given B) Saying that it's important makes you seem shallow So no one will ever admit it. | ||
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corumjhaelen
France6884 Posts
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farvacola
United States18838 Posts
, and you're quite right.killa, I think you should think a bit longer on how it is that humans differ from animals. I think you'll soon come to see that blanket declarations as to how humans categorically operate are pretty goddamn inaccurate, contrary to what some who frequent this thread would tell you. Applying generalizations and inferences therefrom to how one interacts with other people should be done very rarely, if at all, in that you're inevitably going to shortchange someone's true deviation from the norm during introductions if you already assume basic things about them based on surface level indications, and that person might end up being exactly the sort you want to spend a long time with. I know this is some radical shit, but here's my take on how a typical nerd from TL should go about initiating things with a woman.............are you ready?.................are you sure?................ok, here goes...............talk to her without pretending that you can predict how she's going to act or respond. Groundbreaking, I know. Or, of course, you could continue to approach women as though particular signals will necessarily elicit particular responses. Just remember, Pavlov's theories usually make the most sense when one works with dogs | ||
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killa_robot
Canada1884 Posts
On June 22 2015 04:21 farvacola wrote: I think you mean monogamy, corum , and you're quite right.killa, I think you should think a bit longer on how it is that humans differ from animals. I think you'll soon come to see that blanket declarations as to how humans categorically operate are pretty goddamn inaccurate, contrary to what some who frequent this thread would tell you. Applying generalizations and inferences therefrom to how one interacts with other people should be done very rarely, if at all, in that you're inevitably going to shortchange someone's true deviation from the norm during introductions if you already assume basic things about them based on surface level indications, and that person might end up being exactly the sort you want to spend a long time with. I know this is some radical shit, but here's my take on how a typical nerd from TL should go about initiating things with a woman.............are you ready?.................are you sure?................ok, here goes...............talk to her without pretending that you can predict how she's going to act or respond. Groundbreaking, I know. Or, of course, you could continue to approach women as though particular signals will necessarily elicit particular responses. Just remember, Pavlov's theories usually make the most sense when one works with dogs You're making some pretty far reaching inferences about me there, lol. Everyone looks for attraction first. Everyone. It's the entire reason you approach someone, because short of how they look, you usually have no idea what they're like before hand. For long term you're right. People definitely have qualities they look for long term that go beyond whether or not that person is attractive. But that doesn't mean attraction is less important than those attributes. It's a necessary prerequisite. | ||
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GreenHorizons
United States23469 Posts
On June 22 2015 04:57 killa_robot wrote: You're making some pretty far reaching inferences about me there, lol. Everyone looks for attraction first. Everyone. It's the entire reason you approach someone, because short of how they look, you usually have no idea what they're like before hand. For long term you're right. People definitely have qualities they look for long term that go beyond whether or not that person is attractive. But that doesn't mean attraction is less important than those attributes. It's a necessary prerequisite. I think the 90's internet dating scene kind of shits all over that theory. | ||
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NewSunshine
United States5938 Posts
On June 22 2015 04:57 killa_robot wrote: You're making some pretty far reaching inferences about me there, lol. Everyone looks for attraction first. Everyone. It's the entire reason you approach someone, because short of how they look, you usually have no idea what they're like before hand. For long term you're right. People definitely have qualities they look for long term that go beyond whether or not that person is attractive. But that doesn't mean attraction is less important than those attributes. It's a necessary prerequisite. Attraction is necessary, but you risk sounding edgy by saying it's a purely visual thing. Whenever I'm legitimately attracted to someone, it goes well beyond their appearance, it's easy enough to find a good-looking girl, but just like what attracts a girl to a guy, how they carry themselves is a big part of their attraction too, doubly so when you get to know them to any meaningful degree. If a visually attractive thing to look at was all there was to it, well there's porn. | ||
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killa_robot
Canada1884 Posts
On June 22 2015 05:05 NewSunshine wrote: Attraction is necessary, but you risk sounding edgy by saying it's a purely visual thing. Whenever I'm legitimately attracted to someone, it goes well beyond their appearance, it's easy enough to find a good-looking girl, but just like what attracts a girl to a guy, how they carry themselves is a big part of their attraction too, doubly so when you get to know them to any meaningful degree. If a visually attractive thing to look at was all there was to it, well there's porn. I never said it was purely visual. Would it clarify my point more if I said physical attractiveness rather than just attraction? Also this: it goes well beyond their appearance Is sort of my point. Physical attraction is mandatory to make you interested in someone enough that you actually pay attention to them, but it's not like it's the only attribute. What I'm annoyed with is everyone pretending like it doesn't matter at all. Like the physical appearance of someone is more of an afterthought, and that we've somehow transcended ourselves and that physical appearance no longer matters, when that isn't the case at all. | ||
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farvacola
United States18838 Posts
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MoosyDoosy
United States4519 Posts
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Acrofales
Spain18115 Posts
On June 22 2015 05:32 farvacola wrote: Nah, that's not what folks are arguing for. The point is that one should go "damn, that girl looks good" and then go talk her, rather than saying "damn, that girl looks good" and then talking to her with specific reactions in mind because of her looks or surface level tendencies. No no no. You meet a girl, go talk to her, then push up up down down left right left right B A for instant sexy time. | ||
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killa_robot
Canada1884 Posts
On June 22 2015 09:21 Acrofales wrote: No no no. You meet a girl, go talk to her, then push up up down down left right left right B A for instant sexy time. I thought all you had to do is pass a charisma check and the pink dialogue option would appear. Damn, I don't think I could memorize all those buttons. | ||
CosmicSpiral
United States15275 Posts
On June 22 2015 09:21 Acrofales wrote: No no no. You meet a girl, go talk to her, then push up up down down left right left right B A for instant sexy time. ...it's not Fallout multiple choice style? SHIT. On June 22 2015 05:29 killa_robot wrote: Physical attraction is mandatory to make you interested in someone enough that you actually pay attention to them, but it's not like it's the only attribute. Of course, physical attractiveness itself is not a simple concept. There's a distinct difference between physical beauty and sexual attractiveness, and both are tied into many viewpoints we have regarding ourselves and others. It's why we fetishize certain attributes and go after certain women. | ||
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
On June 21 2015 20:04 Grumbels wrote: I read kindness, understanding and intelligence are the highest value attributes for partner choice across both sexes. Those traits are referred to as the "light triad" and individuals possessing all three are variously referred to as "nice guys," "sweethearts," and "friends." | ||
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