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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
I just had the BEST weekend! This beautiful girl contacted me on OKC the other week, told me she would go on sightseeing-spree around Germany and spend three days in my town, and could I show her around. So I offered her a place to stay, did some touristy stuff etc.
My town is full of tourists all year round, so we have a fireworks display every couple of weeks to illuminate the castle (on the side of a mountain) from ships crossing the river. As luck would have it, that happened on our first day. So we took a blanket and a bottle of wine and saw the fireworks from a meadow on the mountain.
The next day we went to an amazing diner I wanted to check out for forever, went on a beautiful hike through the mountains and later she forced me to see the football finals, which I enjoyed in spite of myself.
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That has to be Heidelberg
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Those fireworks are really fantastic I used to go there a lot  Good job
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ok i have a question
my current gf is great but there are times when its fairly obvious that she is self centred. doesnt really care about what others do or think and mainly focuses on getting her own shit done.
has anyone here ever seen or had a gf like this who gradually learns to be more considerate of others. or is she going to be like this forever and am i gonma have to dump her
note she is still quite young
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On July 16 2014 23:56 evilfatsh1t wrote:
ok i have a question
my current gf is great but there are times when its fairly obvious that she is self centred. doesnt really care about what others do or think and mainly focuses on getting her own shit done.
has anyone here ever seen or had a gf like this who gradually learns to be more considerate of others. or is she going to be like this forever and am i gonma have to dump her
note she is still quite young
how young is quite young?
House M.D: "people never change"
To be more serious, if she grew up that way and it's a part of who she is, it is really unlikely to change. Nevertheless people tend to grow up and evolve during relationships, if the emulation is good in the couple. Have you tried discussing the issue with her?
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My mother, for instance, could get all the therapy in the world and it would never change her since she's simply not the type of person to ever reflect on her own actions. She can't leave things be, she holds grudges, always blames others etc.
Sociopaths supposedly also don't benefit from therapy because it only gives them tools to manipulate people, it doesn't give them any more empathic responses.
If you don't completely like her the way she is now, and you don't think she is the sort of person to accept that others view the world differently than her, then try to get very far away from her.
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On July 17 2014 00:46 Grumbels wrote:
My mother, for instance, could get all the therapy in the world and it would never change her since she's simply not the type of person to ever reflect on her own actions. She can't leave things be, she holds grudges, always blames others etc.
Sociopaths supposedly also don't benefit from therapy because it only gives them tools to manipulate people, it doesn't give them any more empathic responses.
If you don't completely like her the way she is now, and you don't think she is the sort of person to accept that others view the world differently than her, then try to get very far away from her.
It depends how young she is. If she is between 14-24, then it's totally understandable. If she is past those school ages, then it can be more troubling. I tend to stray from just saying that selfish people have personality disorders (not that, that was what Grumbels was saying), but I do want to emphasize that if she is at a point in her life when selfishness is sought after then your answer isn't very hard to find. If she is 30, looking to start a family, and still acting that way then you should get out because at that point she very likely isn't going to change that aspect of herself.
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On July 16 2014 23:56 evilfatsh1t wrote:
ok i have a question
my current gf is great but there are times when its fairly obvious that she is self centred. doesnt really care about what others do or think and mainly focuses on getting her own shit done.
has anyone here ever seen or had a gf like this who gradually learns to be more considerate of others. or is she going to be like this forever and am i gonma have to dump her
note she is still quite young
that's a really vague description. getting shit done is a good thing, and being randomized by distractions and being obsessed with pleasing others and caring what they think is bad. not really seeing the issue here, so you're gonna need to provide specifics.
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everything she does is for her own benefit. never really goes out of her way to do anything for anyone else. has zero interest in other peoples lives and what consequences her actions would have on other people
shes 20 btw
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On July 17 2014 04:35 evilfatsh1t wrote:
everything she does is for her own benefit. never really goes out of her way to do anything for anyone else. has zero interest in other peoples lives and what consequences her actions would have on other people
shes 20 btw
*next*
why would you waste your life with a person like that.....
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well there was a bit of exaggeration there but my point is shes a little inconsiderate. there are times where shes awesome, seems perfect, but then there are times when she shows her true colours. just wondering if its worth me waiting for her to grow up or if i should move on. not particularly good with break ups at all so...
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On July 17 2014 05:55 evilfatsh1t wrote:
well there was a bit of exaggeration there but my point is shes a little inconsiderate. there are times where shes awesome, seems perfect, but then there are times when she shows her true colours. just wondering if its worth me waiting for her to grow up or if i should move on. not particularly good with break ups at all so...
Waiting for someone to change almost never works.
You dont even know if she is changing in the right direction. Its just as likely that she will get worse.
Find a girl you like how she is, not a girl who could be someone you like.
I was in a similar situation, I waited for her to change, and it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. And i suck at breaking up too....
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You dont want to be the guy that makes her change, you want to be the guy who supports her change, but she has to be the one that does it. If she does not see the need to change, waiting for it will just fuck up both you and your relationship. Steer clear from her if it just makes you doubt her.
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On July 17 2014 05:55 evilfatsh1t wrote:
well there was a bit of exaggeration there but my point is shes a little inconsiderate. there are times where shes awesome, seems perfect, but then there are times when she shows her true colours. just wondering if its worth me waiting for her to grow up or if i should move on. not particularly good with break ups at all so...
Time to bail out. The way you describe her, sounds like she'll ditch you at the first opportunity.
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On July 17 2014 05:55 evilfatsh1t wrote:
well there was a bit of exaggeration there but my point is shes a little inconsiderate. there are times where shes awesome, seems perfect, but then there are times when she shows her true colours. just wondering if its worth me waiting for her to grow up or if i should move on. not particularly good with break ups at all so...
ALWAYS ask yourself this:
"Is this REALLY the mother of my child(ren)?"
"Do I REALLY want to put up with THIS for the REST of MY life?"
"Is she REALLY a good person or is her attractive exterior just camouflaging for the hideousness that is her inside and I'm just too swooned by her beauty to think logically?"
If the answers to those questions as negative, then you should already know what EXACTLY to do about her.
And ALWAYS remember this:
"You can't help someone who doesn't want to change."
Once again:
Investment vs reward. When investment exceed the resulting rewards, it is ALWAYS time to hit the evacuation button.
This may sound harsh (to her/you) but ultimately I personally don't give a rat's ass about her feelings or her prospect, I only care about YOUR benefit.
So please do not make the "sunk cost" mistake of investing in something knowing that the odds are stacked against you. Because the longer/more you invest, the harder it becomes to abandon it.
You ABSOLUTELY do NOT want to spend the rest of YOUR life in total REGRET that you've wasted all those precious time just on a GIRL!
You absolutely deserve better!
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Tell us what end up happening.
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well she actually left for overseas for a couple of months today, so hopefully the long distance thing will just tire her out and she gives up.
id much rather have her break up with me than me break up with her, since i may end up looking like the bad guy.
she knows quite a few people i work with so i dont want her getting bitter about breaking up and saying shit about me behind my back. she probably wont, but you never know
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Netherlands6181 Posts
A while back I posted a long bit about a guy I was crushed over for several years, who recently got engaged. I saw him again yesterday, at his father's funeral. He gave such a beautiful eulogy, and he was a great support for his family.
I spoke to the rest of his family, offered my condolences etc, and I queued up to speak to him. His fiance stood there by him, her eyes drilling into me. When eventually everyone had finished shaking hands with him and patting him on the back, he turned to me, and his eyes lit up, and it transported me back to high school all over again. I felt helpless under his gaze. We spoke briefly, hugged, he said how good it was to see me and how he appreciated that I had come to support him. And I saw a tiny glimpse of the guy I had once been close with when he spoke about what had been running through his head. He had me grinning from ear to ear in seconds.
But after I left I felt bitter. I felt awful knowing that for me and all the other guests, the funeral ended when we left the property. For the family it continued. They were the ones left behind, dealing with the loss of a loved one. And I came away feeling angry about a love I lost, and not sadness for a life they lost. I feel incredibly selfish and angry at myself.
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EPT
