EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 481
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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sc4k
United Kingdom5454 Posts
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Xiphos
Canada7507 Posts
On June 02 2014 18:42 Maluk wrote: I like how every "dating expert" here thinks that confessing is a bad plan. It's actually the best one in the only case that matters - the case where you are in love with each other. There are more risk of confessing than just simply ask to hang out, have a nice conversation, shift into more romance and then finally rendering a hangout session between friends into a formal date. The girl might act surprised (or can be genuinely surprised) that you are thinking about her romantically throughout all those time. The girl might "feel violated" by your "perverted thoughts". Whereas if you naturally and casually jump from platonic subject into more intimate one, the transition could have been much smoother. If I'm having a good friendship with the girl and I wouldn't want to risk it all away, I rather slowly switch from a friendship oriented topic into setting up further dates while ofc initiating some form of physical intimacy. If she gets too uncomfortable, you can immediately switch back to friendship topic nonchalantly. The key is to drop hints there and there so that it wouldn't be too overwhelming for the girl to recognize your love for her. Then again, why weren't you not being assertive in the first place if you wanted to date her? See if this sort of "feelings" that got developed over the time, she will be even more shocked to hear it from ya and therefore confessing is an absolute friendship destroyer. But then again if you want to get her out of your life, be my guest. | ||
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Cynry
810 Posts
On June 02 2014 18:42 Maluk wrote: I like how every "dating expert" here thinks that confessing is a bad plan. It's actually the best one in the only case that matters - the case where you are in love with each other. There's another case that matters. Confessing might "free" him after 3 years of obssessing over a girl. There are smoother ways to do it, but if it has to come out this way ot come out at all, then it will all be good in the end. | ||
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r.Evo
Germany14080 Posts
On June 02 2014 18:42 Maluk wrote: I like how every "dating expert" here thinks that confessing is a bad plan. It's actually the best one in the only case that matters - the case where you are in love with each other. It depends on what your goal is. If your goal is to be with the girl it's a horrible idea, however the mere fact that you already feel the need to "confess feelings" before anything really happened already sealed the deal in the vast majority of cases. Most people who want to "confess their feelings" to someone without a prior relationship harbor feelings towards a projection ("I'm in love with what I imagine you to be in a relationship") and not the actual person. On top of that it's highly likely that there is no or barely any sexual attraction (otherwise you'd be in bed together and not fantasize what it would be like if you'd be in bed together) AND you're shoving all responsibility for a potential relationship onto the other person which shows precisely zero self-confidence. Sure, if you're in love with each other by all means, awesome. That's just not exactly the case people talk about when they say "I'm going to confess my feelings", we tend to call that "We're exclusive/a couple now!" tl;dr: Do it for your own peace of mind and to gain the closure you need to work on the issues beneath. Not like such advice would stop anyone from trusting that 0.1% chance that she was waiting for that confession all along. Live and learn. =P | ||
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Acrofales
Spain18240 Posts
On June 02 2014 18:42 Maluk wrote: I like how every "dating expert" here thinks that confessing is a bad plan. It's actually the best one in the only case that matters - the case where you are in love with each other. I'm fairly certain that nobody in their right mind would call me a "dating expert". However I like to think that with age does come a little bit of wisdom. The very first lesson of which is that showing up in the middle of the night to declare that you've had feelings for a girl for the last 3 years is far more likely to get you a restraining order than a relationship. | ||
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Cynry
810 Posts
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
The alternative is to try and restructure their friendship into a romance and that is tough and has a small chance of succeeding and a very high chance of making the friendship really awkward. At least you could sort of laugh abortive confession later. | ||
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Xiphos
Canada7507 Posts
On June 02 2014 21:45 levelping wrote: If he's known her for three years without acting on it then a confession is probably a good idea. She might reciprocate (great!) or turn him down (closure). The alternative is to try and restructure their friendship into a romance and that is tough and has a small chance of succeeding and a very high chance of making the friendship really awkward. At least you could sort of laugh abortive confession later. The alternative allows you bounce back and fourth between dating and friendship. And remember it is not awkward if you don't make it to be. When you get awkward, she'll sense it and get awkward too. If you remain natural about it, she'll actually think its quite fun. Its the same in all human interaction (but more so with girls), emotions are contagious. If everyone is sad, the next person that enters the room will feel the vibe and start being sad as well. If everybody is being "awkward", which what does it really mean? Awkward is just another word for "clumsy" and "nervous". If you are a "clumsy" and "nervous" being, chances are that most attractive girls won't be thinking about dating you anyways. | ||
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Najda
United States3765 Posts
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biology]major
United States2253 Posts
On June 02 2014 23:28 Najda wrote: Well he hasn't posted yet so maybe she was secretly harboring feelings for him too and now they are spending the day together. Either that or he got drunk and hasn't woken up yet. oooor he stood outside her place, was about to knock and realized he was sweating bullets and shaking, so he just turns around and goes back home and cries himself to sleep  . (my prediction) | ||
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Reason
United Kingdom2770 Posts
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TwiggyWan
France336 Posts
On June 02 2014 23:34 biology]major wrote: oooor he stood outside her place, was about to knock and realized he was sweating bullets and shaking, so he just turns around and goes back home and cries himself to sleep . (my prediction)Show some optimism god damnit! | ||
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IAmWithStupid
Russian Federation1016 Posts
Here you go: I hope she feels the same and they are loving each other right now! | ||
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urboss
Austria1223 Posts
+ Show Spoiler + | ||
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
On June 02 2014 22:37 Xiphos wrote: The alternative allows you bounce back and fourth between dating and friendship. And remember it is not awkward if you don't make it to be. When you get awkward, she'll sense it and get awkward too. If you remain natural about it, she'll actually think its quite fun. Its the same in all human interaction (but more so with girls), emotions are contagious. If everyone is sad, the next person that enters the room will feel the vibe and start being sad as well. If everybody is being "awkward", which what does it really mean? Awkward is just another word for "clumsy" and "nervous". If you are a "clumsy" and "nervous" being, chances are that most attractive girls won't be thinking about dating you anyways. This sounds as awkward as it can get. Be friends or date, I can't really see why anyone wants to willing put themselves in the grey in between. I'm also not sure about the point you make about awkwardness. Has it occurred to you that the girl on her own independent assessment would most probably think that bouncing between friendship and dating is awkward and emotionally draining? And that this has nothing to do with the op being clumsy or nervous? That said all the best op. I hope your silence means success and you're too busy to post here. | ||
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[X]Ken_D
United States4650 Posts
On June 02 2014 06:27 Talron wrote: It's almost midnight. I'm about to grab a Taxi in order to drive to my crush, who I've been into for almost 3 years, in order to confess to her. My hands are cold and shaking, my heart is racing like crazy, my brain is full of if's and but's and I have not the slightest idea, why I'm even writing this here. Jeez. Just wish me luck, guys. Don't do it! Confessing is usually the best way to end both a potential relationship and friendship. If the attraction is mutual, it doesn't need to be said. | ||
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Xiphos
Canada7507 Posts
On June 03 2014 19:36 levelping wrote: This sounds as awkward as it can get. Be friends or date, I can't really see why anyone wants to willing put themselves in the grey in between. I'm also not sure about the point you make about awkwardness. Has it occurred to you that the girl on her own independent assessment would most probably think that bouncing between friendship and dating is awkward and emotionally draining? And that this has nothing to do with the op being clumsy or nervous? That said all the best op. I hope your silence means success and you're too busy to post here. "Friendship"-oriented topics: Movies, Music, interesting litterateurs, cool sciences, and politics. "Courting"-related topics: Appearances, habits, future plans together, and personal wellness. You can EASILY bounce between those two topics. As matter of fact, you can even transition straight from talking about so and so that starred in a movie's appearance and how the partner should try out that look sometime. Dating doesn't just mean not being able to connect with someone intellectually. As matter of fact, if you are dating, you will get even more philosophical about life in general. Again one entity will only feel "awkward" if you make it awkward. And if you don't get awkward around a girl, she'll think that you have great mental fortitude which makes her attracted to you even more. Sure she can act awkward but then it is MY job to assuage her of those feeling and be the man in the relationship. | ||
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[X]Ken_D
United States4650 Posts
On June 03 2014 19:36 levelping wrote: This sounds as awkward as it can get. Be friends or date, I can't really see why anyone wants to willing put themselves in the grey in between. I'm also not sure about the point you make about awkwardness. Has it occurred to you that the girl on her own independent assessment would most probably think that bouncing between friendship and dating is awkward and emotionally draining? And that this has nothing to do with the op being clumsy or nervous? That said all the best op. I hope your silence means success and you're too busy to post here. No, it's not awkward at all.By doing what Xiphos suggest, it helps build a mutual attraction from something that didn't exist before.If someone is approaching too strong romantically toward the girl, they pull back into friendship mode. Once the girl is comfortable again, shift back back to winning her heart. This is basic dating theory. | ||
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
On June 04 2014 03:41 Xiphos wrote: "Friendship"-oriented topics: Movies, Music, interesting litterateurs, cool sciences, and politics. "Courting"-related topics: Appearances, habits, future plans together, and personal wellness. You can EASILY bounce between those two topics. As matter of fact, you can even transition straight from talking about so and so that starred in a movie's appearance and how the partner should try out that look sometime. Dating doesn't just mean not being able to connect with someone intellectually. As matter of fact, if you are dating, you will get even more philosophical about life in general. Again one entity will only feel "awkward" if you make it awkward. And if you don't get awkward around a girl, she'll think that you have great mental fortitude which makes her attracted to you even more. Sure she can act awkward but then it is MY job to assuage her of those feeling and be the man in the relationship. These friendship and courting topics feel like really artificial groupings. What's the basis for something being in one and not the other? How is something as general as "habits" exclusive to courtship? And friends are precluded from personal wellness? And I think it's kinda obvious that if the poor guy has pined after her for three years you'd think he's done bouncing between topics. Also I thought it'd be kinda clear that my previous post was about the status of their relationship as friends or a couple... And not conversation topics. Which brings me to the next thing - if after three years our op suddenly starts bouncing between a friend and a suitor, that's just bizarre. Also I don't think you are using the word litterateurs properly. | ||
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Xiphos
Canada7507 Posts
On June 04 2014 03:59 levelping wrote: These friendship and courting topics feel like really artificial groupings. What's the basis for something being in one and not the other? How is something as general as "habits" exclusive to courtship? And friends are precluded from personal wellness? And I think it's kinda obvious that if the poor guy has pined after her for three years you'd think he's done bouncing between topics. Also I thought it'd be kinda clear that my previous post was about the status of their relationship as friends or a couple... And not conversation topics. Which brings me to the next thing - if after three years our op suddenly starts bouncing between a friend and a suitor, that's just bizarre. Also I don't think you are using the word litterateurs properly. Friends will touch upon those topics but their sense of responsibility won't exactly be as big if they aren't dating. In dating, those topics became more prevalent. Again I've said that those two groups can be interleaved but if you were categorize them, then those are the groups they would belong. So not as black and white but is rather a "grey" area. Perhaps he wasn't being aggressive enough in his attempt. Girls watch out for body languages more than words to see if a guy is fully committed or just dangling along (softies). Its not bouncing randomly, its calibrating the circumstances to be assertive and situations to be more reserved. Its just called being smart. | ||
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