To someone who struggles with dating, it may feel like a game. Only that you can't ever win, only extend the duration of it, and losing can happen in an instant. It is also a 1vX, because the person you are trying to win over has X people also going for her. Liquipedia is actually full of bullshit, and only a fraction of the community actually knows wtf they are doing. The person you are trying to get, throws obstacles at you every step of the way and will eventually not like you. Each loss hurts like hell, has no chance of a rematch for the rest of your life and will just haunt you for months. Not only that, the longer the game goes, the more it hurts when you lose. And you would totally not play it, if it wasn't for the fact that you were born to play and suffer this game and not participating hurts even more.
So how do we know your self-esteem isn't rock solid?
While the following may be completely normal reactions, just note that the average person is also of average attractiveness. I want to add that this is not something that is necessarily a problem, I just may be exposing things about you that you never saw before.
- Your self-worth is evaluated by external factors
-- Material possessions
-- Your relationships, e.g how hot your girlfriend is
-- Your job, hobbies
-- Your level of ability in these activities
-- How people judge all of the above
- You feel bad when you get teased, rejected
- You get annoyed when you are ignored
- You worry about what to say (fear of repercussion)
- You worry if people are talking about you, judging you
- You are not confident in attracting women
- You have trouble talking to strangers
- You often find yourself exaggerating your own abilities
The list could go on so ill stop here
So if this is something you wish to work on then we need to first look at what we are aiming for, what is a person with "high self-esteem".
- Someone who has an unshakable high feeling of self-worth
- Someone who has strong mental fortitude
- Someone who has next to no social anxieties
- Someone who isn't afraid of or affected by rejection
- Someone who is not afraid to be an individual, understands their own key to happiness, and follows their own path
- Someone who can take care of themselves
- Someone who can have everything, but can live comfortably with nothing
If you can dance to yourself in public without caring if people think you're a weirdo, say hi and be accepting to strangers, walk up to a random girl, smile, talk about your passions and confidently express your own opinions, have a great time, get completely cock-teased and then rejected... all without you giving a shit -> Then I will be saying "you are a stud, wtf are you doing reading this post".
Self-exploration is something a lot of people neglect but its absolutely vital. Also note that this is not a quick process at all. It takes a long time.
Self-esteem requires "a self-evaluation process in which individuals compare their description of themselves as they are (Real Self) with their description of themselves as they would like to become (Ideal Self) and as they fear becoming (Dreaded Self)."[27] Self-esteem depends on living up to one's ideals.
Self-evaluation is important because the subject is able to assess what they know, what they do not know and what they would like to know. They begin to recognize their own strengths and weaknesses, and will be able to set goals that they know they can attain with the new knowledge they have about themselves.[28]
First thing to note,
If your self-worth comes from superficial factors, then your self-worth IS superficial.The only way to have constantly high self esteem is for it to come from within, not from the outside. This is the ONLY way.
When someone makes fun of what you do, you feel bad because it lowers the worth of your hobby, therefore lowering your own worth. This has a compound effect because now you don't feel like being open to people about it for fear of people judging you and then it gets progressively worse. Same goes with looks and everything else.
If your self-worth came from within, then this wouldn't affect you at all.Trust me, you can get a hot random girl attracted to you talking about anything, its how you express yourself, and all the confidence that you are exuding, not the subject matter, that's important. Then again, think about why the hotness is particularly important before you go get blown out hard by a bunch of 10's.
Be careful about looking at yourself and thinking that you are not doing something because you don't enjoy it or how that lofty goal you set but cannot reach is something that is vitally important in your life.
For example, what is the real reason that your ladder rank is important to you? I think for many people, they don't realise that their peers influence their perception of the importance of their rank, and that is not exactly a good thing. How would you feel about your worth if you got demoted a couple of times?
Would you be totally cool with telling your mates that you are now in Bronze league? What about the fact that you are a virgin or never had a girlfriend? If you find situations like this uncomfortable then your self worth is coming from external factors.
For people that have this issue, this problem can be so pervasive that it interferes with everything they do, they surround themselves with peers of similar mindsets and become completely blind to it because they think its normal.
Look at your past, it could be important, try to find them, and resolve them from within. You will often be surprised once you acknowledge certain things, the problems also seem to be much easier to fix and may even disappear.
Parenting style can also play a crucial role in self-esteem development. Students in elementary school who have high self-esteem tend to have parents who are caring, supportive adults who set clear standards for their child and allow them to voice their opinion in decision making.
Childhood experiences that contribute to healthy self-esteem include being listened to, being spoken to respectfully, receiving appropriate attention and affection and having accomplishments recognized and mistakes or failures acknowledged and accepted. Experiences that contribute to low self-esteem include being harshly criticized, being physically, sexually or emotionally abused, being ignored, ridiculed or teased or being expected to be "perfect" all the time.
Anyway don't believe that any external factors have anything to do with your ability to be attractive. If you can't be real with a girl when trying to get her, you will never be attractive. Even if you do get with her, the relationship will fall to pieces shortly after.
Going back to the list, here are some temporary things you can tell yourself to get your mojo back.
- Every time you feel like your confidence is waning, just tell yourself that you are a fucking stud and you know it.
- If someone judges you, fuck em.
- If someone rejects you, you didn't need her/him anyway
- Thoughts are not reality
I myself have made a lot of mistakes, I mean A LOT. I think though that everyone needs to find out how to reach these goals themselves, they need to make the mistakes themselves, and learn to get over it and learn from it.
I think its easier to understand what you are trying to do when you are aiming for concrete goals. So these are some things that I find women respond to the most.
Self-esteem results in
- Confidence and optimism
- Eliminated social anxiety
- Ability to deal with emotional stresses
- Assurance (of self and others)
Some examples
- Fucking smile and be happy dammit, so many people will go up to a girl looking as if they are completely empty inside. Looking hollow is not attractive.
- Be open and passionate about your hobbies, but also learn how to express them in a way that is interesting to the layman.
- Nothing should be a big deal, there's no greater turn off than someone having an anxiety attack over some stupid over-thinking, or causing a big deal over nothing. Manage your expectations. This involves her ignoring you, she is not an extension of you, she has her own life, you should expect less companionship from her than you would from a close friend.
- Be reassuring, women will often be insecure about lots of things, you need to smack these issues out of the ballpark ASAP. Learning how to do this takes time, so don't be worried about falling flat on your face the first few times. I am not talking just about the classic "do you think I'm fat?". Anyway when you can do this well, it is fucking hot to them and they will wanna stick to you like glue.
- Be an Individual. Don't be afraid to be passionate about a hobby that you think she might not like. This is called BEING YOURSELF, and is highly attractive when the girl isn't a close-minded jerk. If she is, she will be just trouble later on anyway. Leave that bitch ASAP.
- Don't be afraid to contradict certain social norms and how you think its bullshit. Harry Potter wasn't afraid to say Voldemort, while everyone else said "he who must not be named". If you are the kind to just obey norms without thinking about it, that literally makes you gayer than Harry Potter. Keep that in mind. If you don't believe me then why do girls like rebels?
- Have rock solid well formed opinions that you can express without getting into an argument. Rather than compensating, learn to agree to disagree but also accept but not tolerate her viewpoint. This doesn't mean debate everything she says, but if she says something that doesn't sit well with you, you should have the confidence to express your opinion with dignity. If she doesn't accept your opinion, immediately walk away.
- She may try to deal with your problems, or even magically come up with some. She is not your mother, yes its good that she is kind and cares about you. If you expect a mothers love from her you will achieve nothing but heartache. Ignore her pleas to "fix" you. I've seen enough to realise that she will reveal her true self once she loses attraction to you. These are your problems, not hers, it is up to you to fix them (that is if you even believe it is a problem). Someone with high self-esteem doesn't need others to fix his own problems.
- Going off the above, if you have a problem that affects the two of you, this is no longer solely your problem. This is something you need to work out and solve together. This can often be unpleasant, so its often best to get it sorted before there's a catastrophe. However at the same time don't feel like your gonna have amazing success rates when you straight up tell her you're a psycho who goes out of control at the drop of a hat, and just expect her to accept it. You'll just have to find the right one then.
Again if you have high self esteem, these issues will solve themselves and everything will fall into place. These examples will address the symptoms, not the underlying cause. The cure is to do something about your self-esteem.
So instead of focusing on random examples that some I told you about, just focus on your self esteem and being yourself.
EPT
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