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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On January 27 2014 09:40 Copymizer wrote:
How many times after seeing a girl is it "not weird" to give her flowers?
I'm unaware of people giving flowers to a girl after a certain number of times seeing her. It can happen after you've reached a certain status in your relationship. Also valentine's day is coming up. Maybe you could try giving her flowers on valentines day if you accept that if she doesn't feel that way about you it could be weird. Alternatively it could just be nice.
I think this whole thing varies depending on local culture.
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On January 27 2014 09:51 chadissilent wrote:Show nested quote +On January 27 2014 07:14 Epishade wrote:On January 27 2014 05:24 GumBa wrote:So I have liked this girl for years and always got on relativly well. A couple of months back we started chatting and texting eachother after we hadnt seen each other in a while and we get along fine (nothing to personal though she did talk to me about her insecurities and stuff but dunno if thats a girl thing). So I met her at a party etc and we got on really well and I have got a huuuge crush on her but am not sure if she feels the same way you know? I would like to ask her out or atleast meet up and do something but not sure how or if I should etc and all I can do is think about her and its killing me  Any ideas or tips guys how to go about with this would love to date her but not sure lol. Use Epishade's signature phrase when asking someone out: "Feel free to say no, but what would you say if I asked you out?" Hasn't failed me yet! Everyone I've ever used that line on has always said no! I have used "how mad would you be if I kissed you right now?" quite a few times with much success.
Same. It's all about the execution. ^^ "I want to make sex" is also a golden line. It's about bringing it just dirty enough with enough playfulness but a serious undertone.
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On January 27 2014 09:57 Djzapz wrote:Show nested quote +On January 27 2014 09:40 Copymizer wrote:
How many times after seeing a girl is it "not weird" to give her flowers? I'm unaware of people giving flowers to a girl after a certain number of times seeing her. It can happen after you've reached a certain status in your relationship. Also valentine's day is coming up. Maybe you could try giving her flowers on valentines day if you accept that if she doesn't feel that way about you it could be weird. Alternatively it could just be nice. I think this whole thing varies depending on local culture.
Give flowers when you feel like it. Girls like flowers, and giving gifts is fun to do.
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Netherlands6175 Posts
Be wary of gifts. Making a girl feel indebted to you makes her uncomfortable. Especially in the early stages of dating.
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On January 27 2014 09:03 r.Evo wrote:
Movie is fine if you're at the point of cuddling/making out anyway, if you do it earlier than that it's awkward as hell because that's 2 hours more during which you're not advancing anything. If your issue is a slow escalation anyway, don't put yourself into a situation that further amplifies it.
It's two hours during which you can watch a movie and have fun. I don't understand this escalation stuff, as if watching a movie with someone for two hours is somehow this awful traumatic experience. The point is to talk about the movie afterwards.
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I keep having dreams about this one girl I met like 2 years ago during an internship. I don't want to talk to her over facebook as we're far apart and I think it's only fair to not bother her and let her live her life. No point talking to her unless there's something to talk about.
It's problematic. I'm in college but I can't find anyone to date and I feel like a bit of a mess at home so I don't know if I should be dating before I sort myself out. I dislike online dating. I feel the profiles are very fake and my profile is not interesting.
I also don't think I'm interesting (my hobbies include starcraft and more starcraft) and hate the rejection I get from profiles online, and find that I'm not all that interested in the people I find online because it's hard to say if you like someone from a profile.
I think half of it is my roommate constantly teasing me like "you're never going to get laid" and "when are you going to get a girlfriend" or "why do you keep looking at your hair in the mirror? Is this the part where you tell me you've got a girlfriend?".
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On January 27 2014 19:05 Grumbels wrote:Show nested quote +On January 27 2014 09:03 r.Evo wrote:
Movie is fine if you're at the point of cuddling/making out anyway, if you do it earlier than that it's awkward as hell because that's 2 hours more during which you're not advancing anything. If your issue is a slow escalation anyway, don't put yourself into a situation that further amplifies it. It's two hours during which you can watch a movie and have fun. I don't understand this escalation stuff, as if watching a movie with someone for two hours is somehow this awful traumatic experience. The point is to talk about the movie afterwards.
The basic assumption is simple: The longer you spend time with someone without being physical the less of a physical relationship gets established.
If you're into someone you usually want to be physical with them so physical escalation is both part of showing that you're attracted but also a part of building attraction since there aren't as big reasons to consider you a potential suitor if you're not physical.
In a nutshell what this means is that having multiple dates with no physical contact will be a lot less successful with the other gender than dates with physical contact. The emphasis here is (that's why it's called escalation) that it becomes more intense over time with a not so big emphasis on how fast it moves over which amount of time.
If you meet for a coffee (sitting on opposite sides of the table) and talk, then go watch a movie (not sitting/cuddling in one of those couple seats aka not really touching) and then go have a drink together in a bar (also with no touching involved) you suddenly have an easy 4-6 hours where you got to know each other on a friendly and non-sexual level. An alternative scenario would be to take a walk (or meet in a setting close to each other) with lots of teasing and touching until the point where you're comfortable cuddling, then two hours of cuddling in a cinema while watching a movie and then later making out in comfortable bar/lounge. THAT is what a good escalation looks like.
Hence me saying: "If your issue is a slow escalation anyway, don't put yourself into a situation that further amplifies it."
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Mind you that I never pick up women and I prefer relationships where you get to know someone first and then decide on dating later on, so for me lack of physical escalation is a phantom problem, because deciding to be physical with someone is a mutual decision that should not require overt plotting on either person's part. That's why I suggested going out together for the person on the previous page. He was already talking a lot to someone, but he didn't actually do any activities with her. So I would say that he should just try and see if she would enjoy doing something together. And then afterwards if they had fun together they can mutually decide to do something more directly date-ish.
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I had the talk this weekend.
Turns out she decided to tell her parents first, which made her father, one of the few hardcore Christians in Germany, so mad that he beat the living crap out of her and threatened to kill her if anyone should find out that she had sex out of wedlock.
So instead of trying to talk her out of having the baby, I had to console her, offered her to stay at my place until she gets her own one, so she doesn't have to go back to her parents etc. Though part of me now wants her to keep the bastard just to spite her father, I'm still hoping desperately that she act responsibly and gets rid of it.
Also, in a strange turn of events, maybe it's Karma, the father got his come uppings afterwards by two perpetrators whose identity is yet unclear.
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On January 27 2014 19:57 SixStrings wrote:
I had the talk this weekend.
Turns out she decided to tell her parents first, which made her father, one of the few hardcore Christians in Germany, so mad that he beat the living crap out of her and threatened to kill her if anyone should find out that she had sex out of wedlock.
So instead of trying to talk her out of having the baby, I had to console her, offered her to stay at my place until she gets her own one, so she doesn't have to go back to her parents etc. Though part of me now wants her to keep the bastard just to spite her father, I'm still hoping desperately that she act responsibly and gets rid of it.
Don't count on someone that was brought up as a "hardcore Christian" to get an abortion.
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On January 27 2014 19:50 Grumbels wrote:
Mind you that I never pick up women and I prefer relationships where you get to know someone first and then decide on dating later on, so for me lack of physical escalation is a phantom problem, because deciding to be physical with someone is a mutual decision that should not require overt plotting on either person's part. That's why I suggested going out together for the person on the previous page. He was already talking a lot to someone, but he didn't actually do any activities with her. So I would say that he should just try and see if she would enjoy doing something together. And then afterwards if they had fun together they can mutually decide to do something more directly date-ish.
It's very naive to call it "overt plotting". The first mistake a lot of people make with dates is that they're not being themselves. Most people that don't want to rely on tricks and blablabla are people that have no idea what they're talking about. Being yourself basically is not a trick. And daring to say stuff, using lines, saying a joke, trying to grab her hand naturally, holding her hand, those things shouldn't be seen as "overt plotting", those things should be seen as fun things to do. If I hold a girls hand and she squeezes back my hand, I get the feeling of falling in love, and that feeling is awesome.
I don't first want to negotiate the terms on which we can have physical contact, I don't want to think about what she thinks of A and then respond B with a flowchart. Why would I want to setup a date where we watch a movie, just so we can talk about that movie? No sir that sounds like a Job-interview to me. I just want to talk about whatever feels good in the situation. If I go on a date with a girl I want to hug her, get to know her middle name, look at her boobs and make her feel comfortable while I'm doing it. I want to kiss her, I want to hold her hand, and I want to take her home. Sex on a first date is something that I personally don't like. I always feel abused when it happens (as a guy), so I actually tell them that when I bring the girl home. Even if I sleep over on a first date it's just going to be cuddling. And if it doesn't work out? I at least had an awesome time, and I'm pretty sure that she really enjoyed herself as well.
It's all just about acting naturally and being yourself. Having to decide stuff with your date sounds like it needs a LOT more covert plotting to get what you desire. Better to just show her that you can really enjoy yourself, and that you have spare room to take her to Pleasuretown. If you can do that with a movie, you're golden.
Also I have to add, dating, for me at least, is NOT about banging as many chicks as possible. I've passed that station a few years ago, and it was a very lonely station. But I did learn that if you want something, it's okay to do your best to get it. Don't be afraid of experience or going outside of the box. Don't put limiting beliefs on yourself. Just follow your emotions and feelings and go enjoy yourself! Because if you smile at the world, someone in the world is bound to smile back at you.
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Northern Ireland23845 Posts
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... how would you react to to a girl that´s flirting with you although she has a boyfriend? I´ve had sth like an affair with her some time ago... did not work out and we did not see each other for 8 months, now I see her on a daily basis and we´re getting along prettty well.
Recently she started texting me with questions about my underwear ("What are you wearing?"), tells me about hers. And calls me ?dish? (don´t know the correct translation but in german its a more vulg. expression for a tasty guy) ... even in public. Don´t want to overvalue that, but still..
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Northern Ireland23845 Posts
Stay clear, if she gets on like that behind her bf's back, she'd do the same to you
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On January 28 2014 00:50 JoeCool wrote:
... how would you react to to a girl that´s flirting with you although she has a boyfriend? I´ve had sth like an affair with her some time ago... did not work out and we did not see each other for 8 months, now I see her on a daily basis and we´re getting along prettty well.
Recently she started texting me with questions about my underwear ("What are you wearing?"), tells me about hers. And calls me ?dish? (don´t know the correct translation but in german its a more vulg. expression for a tasty guy) ... even in public. Don´t want to overvalue that, but still..
Walk away.
Nothing comes good of this, unless she breaks up with her bf first before doing this shit.
As I see it now, there are 2 likely outcomes ;
1] She is not happy with her bf and wants to have sex with you, so the cheating can be her 'breakup' (or she is just a slut who wants another guy on the side). If this is the case, there will be a high probability that the guy would want to fuck you up, also consider your own morals....
2] She is just teasing you to death (maybe even making her bf jealous) and leave you with blue balls.
The most unlikely outcome (considering the fact she is in a relationship) would be that she is actually into you, but in that case she would be fine to break up first before you hook up again.
edit :
On January 28 2014 00:56 Wombat_NI wrote:
Stay clear, if she gets on like that behind her bf's back, she'd do the same to you
Beat me to it
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Northern Ireland23845 Posts
Not even in an infidelity sense, also fits in with point 2 just made. Could equally be that she needs attention to feel validated and unless you can put up with that mentality again I'd stay clear
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On January 27 2014 09:40 Copymizer wrote:
How many times after seeing a girl is it "not weird" to give her flowers?
It's as weird as you make it. Or as "not weird" as you make it. You'll have to give a lot more information. If you have been on one date and want to send 100 red roses with a message "I love you forever", I'd say you should hold off. However, if you have a garden full of flowers (or live near nature) and pick some to give to her on a second, or even first, date, it can work (really) well.
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On January 27 2014 07:14 Epishade wrote:Show nested quote +On January 27 2014 05:24 GumBa wrote:So I have liked this girl for years and always got on relativly well. A couple of months back we started chatting and texting eachother after we hadnt seen each other in a while and we get along fine (nothing to personal though she did talk to me about her insecurities and stuff but dunno if thats a girl thing). So I met her at a party etc and we got on really well and I have got a huuuge crush on her but am not sure if she feels the same way you know? I would like to ask her out or atleast meet up and do something but not sure how or if I should etc and all I can do is think about her and its killing me Any ideas or tips guys how to go about with this would love to date her but not sure lol. Use Epishade's signature phrase when asking someone out: "Feel free to say no, but what would you say if I asked you out?" Hasn't failed me yet! Everyone I've ever used that line on has always said no!
Stop setting yourself up for failure. Why tell her she can say no? Just ask her out!
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Well as I said, neither do I get my hopes up. Nor do I want her to leave her bf, there is a reason why she has choosen him instead of me. And I am aware of that.^^
I was just curious because I´ve never experienced such behaviour. Now that I think about it, possibility 2] combined with what Wombat_NI said seems pretty plausible.
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EPT
