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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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LeeDawg
United States1306 Posts
On January 09 2014 20:22 Killscreen wrote: Ah, okay. Sorry for flaming you, buddy. I misunderstood. You came to the right place  haha it's cool. reading my first comment, I can see how it can be construed as me looking down on everyone else. I was just venting though. I really want a relationship with someone where there are no head games, no bullshit, just sincerity on both sides. seems unrealistic, though... | ||
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MightyBill
93 Posts
On January 09 2014 21:25 LeeDawg wrote: haha it's cool. reading my first comment, I can see how it can be construed as me looking down on everyone else. I was just venting though. I really want a relationship with someone where there are no head games, no bullshit, just sincerity on both sides. seems unrealistic, though... It's fucking bullshit when someone just stays in contact with you to manipulate you and get gain. Good that you're over it, because it's good riddance! You have all the right to vent your frustrations! I sometimes like to bike to the sea and just yell my shitty stuff to noone in particular. It helps me out a lot! But @ killscreen, it's also bullshit to assume the worst from someone you don't know. I really believe that people are inherently good. Sure there are exceptions, but most of the time when someone does something random which can be taken harmful, even if it has bad consequences, it generally wasn't intended to be harmful. You assumed the worst, but it's all good because you apologized, which in my book makes you fucking awesome Life is full of misunderstandings :D And that's okay! | ||
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rezoacken
Canada2719 Posts
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LeeDawg
United States1306 Posts
On January 10 2014 04:25 rezoacken wrote: Should be a lesson to not be manipulated the next time. yeah man, I got the fuck out before I got in too deep. for weeks she would be sending me dirty texts, then the next day say she needed space or whatever. that and other subtle stuff. I've been through that shit before with another girl. current girl did the same shit again and I just lost it. it takes a lot to get me upset and I flipped the fuck out. | ||
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chadissilent
Canada1187 Posts
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evanthebouncy!
United States12796 Posts
On January 10 2014 06:39 chadissilent wrote: That's because you were the backup plan. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, bud. ^ this is probably right to some extend. at any rate, a relationship is a marketing process, it's supply and demand. You are both trying to "sell" yourself at the highest price. it's just the currency here is along the line of personality, look, intellect, humor, etc etc. | ||
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evanthebouncy!
United States12796 Posts
1) being lonely 2) liking someone just because you spend a lot of time talking to some girl does not mean you actually like her. You are probably just feeling very lonely. There is a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling associated with someone, and when you are planning your next move. On the contrary, there is a betrayed, sad feeling associated with someone you're attached to just because you're lonely. | ||
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LeeDawg
United States1306 Posts
On January 10 2014 06:39 chadissilent wrote: That's because you were the backup plan. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, bud. oh completely, I was. On January 10 2014 07:00 evanthebouncy! wrote: Also i want to point out that, there is a difference between 1) being lonely 2) liking someone just because you spend a lot of time talking to some girl does not mean you actually like her. You are probably just feeling very lonely. There is a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling associated with someone, and when you are planning your next move. On the contrary, there is a betrayed, sad feeling associated with someone you're attached to just because you're lonely. I'm not saying I didn't like her. we were friends for a while before anything romantic happened, and we always had really good conversations. I 100% wanted things to work out at first, but all the games and bullshit and emotional manipulation makes it so I don't even want to be friends with her anymore. | ||
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DocM
United States212 Posts
I'm torn here. I think it's unreasonable to think that if we actually tried to make things work, we couldn't find a comfortable way to accommodate her schedule and our needs. I'm more than fine with 1 night a week, or even 2 weeks for the next semester, because this girl is definitely worth it. However, I definitely understand that relationships are more than time commitments, and I respect her need to be single and live for herself. I have pretty low expectations when it comes to relationship, a light time commitment and a feeling of mutual respect and care is really all I want. Last semester I don't think she would have gotten through it all if she didn't have my support through the whole thing, I was there for every bad test grade and all the drama. I'm skeptical as to whether it's truly in her best interests to be alone at this point. Personal bias acknowledged, all I could do is give her my position and my advice and leave it up to her, because she knows best about herself. This does end in a dating advice question, so hang in there. Basically, our relationship was really good, and I feel like there's still a general feeling of goodwill and mutual care and respect. She wants to stay friends, and she did mention that maybe when the semester is over or she gets herself on track we might get back together (but she didn't want to tie me down in the meantime). She's worth waiting six months for me, but there's really no guarantee that anything lies at the end of that road. I'm skeptical that we can be friends, especially if her feelings for me remain ambiguous. I love her, and I'll probably continue to do so. If she doesn't actually consider getting back together an option then I'll just spend the next year or so being resentful and frustrated that my love isn't reciprocated, which seems like a big waste of time and a lot of anguish to me. I could just not be her friend, but on the other hand that's the only sure way to avoid getting back together with her. | ||
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r.Evo
Germany14080 Posts
She wants to stay friends Don't, at least until you get your head clear. she did mention that maybe when the semester is over or she gets herself on track we might get back together Don't. An agreement to something like this (even mentally) robs you of options while giving all the power to her. Huge no-go. She's worth waiting six months for me You're not about to wait. You're about to castrate yourself for some feint hope that you're not completely wasting your time. Not exactly attractive nor effective. tl;dr: Get your head straight and feel free to tell her that you need time and space to do that. No contact, life your own life. Whenever you catch yourself thinking of her and can be like "Oh, I wonder how she's doing now" without any direct romantic bullshit attached, feel free to contact her again. | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32130 Posts
cut your losses. and dont be friends lol. you are basically telling her, yes, i will be your option b if your other people dont work out. have a little self respect. doesnt mean be nasty. it means just dont hit her up, dont waste time talking to her, etc. if at some point 'be friends' means something other than 'cling to the feint hope that well get back together' then you can talk again. until then, that's exactly what it is for you, and for her, it means having a back up plan | ||
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evanthebouncy!
United States12796 Posts
sit, enjoy single, wait for her but don't pass anything that's too good (unlikely, imo) she's a girl, you're a man. If she's willing to waste 6 months of her precious youth (in a sense of not dating) while you grow more in value over time. Just enjoy single and focus on growing in value for the meantime, go to gym, take harder classes, learn an instrument. Plenty to do. Bottom line is as long as you maintain your value in the dating market, you're free to do w/e you want. If you want to talk to her, don't hesitate, if she needs a hug, and you want to give it, don't think twice. Do what you want cuz your market value is so high you can do w/e the fuck you want. | ||
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DocM
United States212 Posts
@Hawk, also very good advice, and I don't intend to be anyone's plan B. The current understanding we have is that She doesn't contact me or come to my place (we have lots of mutual friends who happen to be my roommates) until I give her the go ahead. As far as the friendship thing goes, my first thought was to straight up ask her what I meant to her. Like, she's done a good job of obfuscating the reasons for the breakup, and if that's intentional it might as well have been straight up dishonestly like you said. I don't really care where I am on her priority list, (I don't really want to be put ahead of her life goals like school and career that's just unreasonable). The only list I'd want to be at the top of is her list of men. And if I ask and I'm actually at the top then friendship doesn't sound too far fetched. If i'm not, then she just wanted to go date other guys, and lied to me to boot. Even asking that might be a waste of my time. @Eventhebouncy!: I think that post is probably one of the best and most articulate pieces of advice I could have ever received. I'm not exactly ruined here. I just turned 21, I got a whole new wardrobe over holidays, and I have a hearthstone beta key =). I also lost ten pounds over break, and I think ima get an exercise+diet regimen in that will continue that trend. Hell I'm basically the bees knees in terms of market value. Everyone I know keeps asking me why I'm so happy/upbeat lately and handling this so well, well that's why. I'm not sad that she is investing time in herself to grow as a person, and happiness can be the only result if it works. One thing I told myself when it happened was I wouldn't allow myself to mope, and I think that's the right attitude. | ||
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rezoacken
Canada2719 Posts
If someone gets C in science after having done the work, it isn't the relationship that is a problem (*cough* it's something else *cough*) . And based on what you were saying (being so... not-pushy (?)) I doubt you were monopolizing her time when she needed it. Man, you're not an object you put in a closet waiting to be reused. | ||
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WombaT
Northern Ireland26359 Posts
Frankly I couldn't be bothered seeking out companionship directly, I've never really done too badly for myself anyway, but it tends to be from meeting cool mutual friends or chance encounters that work out well. Got an album I want to get finished written and recorded and maybe go back to school, so long-term they're things that interest me more. | ||
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Zooper31
United States5711 Posts
Alrdy have a date with a super cute girl this weekend. Excited, not going to let chances slip and not overthink things. | ||
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MysteryMeat1
United States3292 Posts
On January 10 2014 11:16 Zooper31 wrote: Took some advice and tried some new online dating sites with some new invigoration, Okcupid and Match. Alrdy have a date with a super cute girl this weekend. Excited, not going to let chances slip and not overthink things. Just make sure she doesnt have a penis... | ||
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DoctorM
United States36 Posts
Now if only I could get Tinder to work on my ipod lol (stupid old version can only update to 6.5 and it requires 7). | ||
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chadissilent
Canada1187 Posts
On January 10 2014 11:51 DoctorM wrote: I do agree that she might not be mature enough right now. Definitely agree with the "it's something else" comment. I don't plan on being used, and if she can't see the value in me then that's her loss. I think in regards to friendship I will be her friend. I'm comfortable in myself and my prospects to be around her without intense longing. At the very least, I'll certainly lift the restrictions on her coming to my place and talking to me pretty soon. I definitely won't go out of my way to be her friend, and I won't do it in the hopes of getting with her again. In fact, I'll probably leave it up to her to establish a friendship with me. If I find it to be something of value when she tries, then maybe I'll do it. Now if only I could get Tinder to work on my ipod lol (stupid old version can only update to 6.5 and it requires 7). And now we wait before you come back here in 1-2 weeks bitching about your current arrangement. Cut all ties for at least a couple months. Trust me, you'll be much better off. | ||
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phyren
United States1067 Posts
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