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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On January 10 2014 17:10 phyren wrote:
I'm gonna put this here and see what peoples thoughts are. I've been dating this girl for a little over a year, and things are going more or less fine. However, I know this relationship has a time limit. We are both graduate students who will hopefully graduate within the next several months to a year, after which neither of us know where we will be. I personally plan to be moving as I will have no particular reason to stay in this state. So the point is, it is difficult to be invested in this relationship. Any problems I have, a part of me would rather just ignore them than discuss because I know I only really need to deal with it for a while. I like her well enough and want to be on good terms with her, but I'm not really sure how to feel about this situation. Thoughts?
Are your grades so different that you have no hope of working in the same area ? Even if you have to both move to a different state I mean.
I mean... there's not much to say about your story there. Either you are damn sure there is no way you will live in the same area in which case it's a doomed relationship or you have no clue and in that case I don't understand why you'd stress over it. As long as you are on the same page here. Wouldn't really be cool to make it seem it's very serious if at the first occasion you fly away.
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On January 10 2014 17:10 phyren wrote:
I'm gonna put this here and see what peoples thoughts are. I've been dating this girl for a little over a year, and things are going more or less fine. However, I know this relationship has a time limit. We are both graduate students who will hopefully graduate within the next several months to a year, after which neither of us know where we will be. I personally plan to be moving as I will have no particular reason to stay in this state. So the point is, it is difficult to be invested in this relationship. Any problems I have, a part of me would rather just ignore them than discuss because I know I only really need to deal with it for a while. I like her well enough and want to be on good terms with her, but I'm not really sure how to feel about this situation. Thoughts? You've been dating her for over a year. You only like her "well enough." You only want to be on "good terms with her." Sounds like even more than putting your career ahead of this particular relationship, you don't rate the relationship very high. There's plenty of nice girls that are likable, and so long as she's only that, doesn't sound like there's any push to make some big move before you might move for jobs. If it was any more serious of a one-year dating relationship, would you have put that in there too?
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No, you guys misunderstand. I'm not confused about the future exactly. I know this relationship isn't going to go the distance, and I'm fine with that. If there weren't the obvious graduation and moving deadline, this would still end sooner or later. The point is, now while we are still here, knowing that there is a deadline, I find it awkward. I don't exactly want to just break up and try to find someone else for the remaining time, particularly because I believe that would make things quite awkward as we now have mutual friends and social activities. I also don't want things to end poorly for either of us as I do care about this girl. I guess what I'm curious about is how people think about relationships that they enjoy being in but know are temporary.
Sometimes she does things that I dislike or even find insulting, but I generally don't bring it up because I don't want to argue about something knowing it wont matter in a year. However I still put in effort to do things like buy meaningful gifts and plan dates. The desire to invest into the relationship because thats just what one does when they are connecting to another person is conflicting with my knowledge that this connection, at least the romantic side of it, is temporary.
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Is she aware that the relationship has a time limit? If she knows that and you two are both okay with sticking together until you graduate and go your own ways, and you're both content with that situation, then fine. It would be hard for both of you to start dating someone else knowing you're probably moving in a few months. If she's under the impression you two are going to work things out and your relationship is going to last past graduation, you should correct her sooner rather than later. It'll be a lot harder for her if you wait another year before breaking up with her, especially if she thinks this relationship is perfect for her.
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On January 10 2014 19:58 phyren wrote:
No, you guys misunderstand. I'm not confused about the future exactly. I know this relationship isn't going to go the distance, and I'm fine with that. If there weren't the obvious graduation and moving deadline, this would still end sooner or later. The point is, now while we are still here, knowing that there is a deadline, I find it awkward. I don't exactly want to just break up and try to find someone else for the remaining time, particularly because I believe that would make things quite awkward as we now have mutual friends and social activities. I also don't want things to end poorly for either of us as I do care about this girl. I guess what I'm curious about is how people think about relationships that they enjoy being in but know are temporary.
Sometimes she does things that I dislike or even find insulting, but I generally don't bring it up because I don't want to argue about something knowing it wont matter in a year. However I still put in effort to do things like buy meaningful gifts and plan dates. The desire to invest into the relationship because thats just what one does when they are connecting to another person is conflicting with my knowledge that this connection, at least the romantic side of it, is temporary.
It may be inconvenient, but you should break up with her. Leading people on isn't nice.
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All relationships are temporary - there is always a time limit. You should do what you think is best in the here and now, no sense in putting off something you plan to do. If you want it to continue, then continue it and enjoy it for as long as it will last.
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On January 10 2014 19:58 phyren wrote:
No, you guys misunderstand. I'm not confused about the future exactly. I know this relationship isn't going to go the distance, and I'm fine with that. If there weren't the obvious graduation and moving deadline, this would still end sooner or later. The point is, now while we are still here, knowing that there is a deadline, I find it awkward. I don't exactly want to just break up and try to find someone else for the remaining time, particularly because I believe that would make things quite awkward as we now have mutual friends and social activities. I also don't want things to end poorly for either of us as I do care about this girl. I guess what I'm curious about is how people think about relationships that they enjoy being in but know are temporary.
Sometimes she does things that I dislike or even find insulting, but I generally don't bring it up because I don't want to argue about something knowing it wont matter in a year. However I still put in effort to do things like buy meaningful gifts and plan dates. The desire to invest into the relationship because thats just what one does when they are connecting to another person is conflicting with my knowledge that this connection, at least the romantic side of it, is temporary.
You can totally enjoy relationships even if there's kind of a set end-date for them. Treat the relationship as you would any other, even if you're going to go your separate ways soon. Don't overthink it. It is what it is. Enjoy it!
On January 10 2014 23:39 FreedomMurder wrote:
It may be inconvenient, but you should break up with her. Leading people on isn't nice.
It doesn't sound like he's leading her on. Maybe he didn't include that information for a reason. phryen, on that note, if you haven't discussed the limited nature of your time together, you should probably do so.
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have you considered... talking to her about your dilemma??
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On January 11 2014 02:27 QuanticHawk wrote:
have you considered... talking to her about your dilemma??
Uh, but then what would be do on the internet if he solved all his problems while afk???
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On January 11 2014 02:27 QuanticHawk wrote:
have you considered... talking to her about your dilemma??
2nd. Talk to her and express that the relationship likely won't last beyond the end of the semester and express that you should just enjoy the relationship for the next few months completely pressure free.
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To me it just doesn't even look like he knows what he wants.
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I think I've been clear with her about this. As you might imagine, talking about how we will eventually go our separate ways isn't exactly a fun conversation. Beyond that, my real issue is having things comes up where, in my head, I think: "fuck it, its not worth dealing with when I can just wait a while."
Regarding talking to her: that's the whole problem, that anything difficult I might consider discussing with her; I have to weigh that difficulty against how difficult it would be to just wait it out and enjoy things as they are.
I guess the only reason I'm putting this here is because of a discussion I had with a friend in which she insisted that she would break up with anyone whom she knew for certain she would not eventually marry. I don't share her opinion, but having talked with one person about it I thought it would be interesting to bring up here.
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On January 11 2014 07:26 phyren wrote:
I think I've been clear with her about this. As you might imagine, talking about how we will eventually go our separate ways isn't exactly a fun conversation. Beyond that, my real issue is having things comes up where, in my head, I think: "fuck it, its not worth dealing with when I can just wait a while."
Regarding talking to her: that's the whole problem, that anything difficult I might consider discussing with her; I have to weigh that difficulty against how difficult it would be to just wait it out and enjoy things as they are.
I guess the only reason I'm putting this here is because of a discussion I had with a friend in which she insisted that she would break up with anyone whom she knew for certain she would not eventually marry. I don't share her opinion, but having talked with one person about it I thought it would be interesting to bring up here.
I don't agree with your friend, but I would say if you've been with someone for a year and you aren't passionate or attached enough to want to make it work out, you should probably make sure you're on the same page. I don't mean hint about it, I mean have a serious conversation about your feelings. If you know 100% you don't want to stay with her and try to work something out together after you graduate, there is very little reason to continue the relationship much longer.
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a simple yes or no answer: does she, or does she not, know for certain that you view this relationship as temporary.
not telling her because it is an ugly conversation is shitty and makes you a dbag. you are fine with it, and that's ok. let her make her own decision on the matter, and make it crystal clear that you view the relationship as being over when you graduate
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FYI Valentines Day is in 1 month. You better get into a relationship sooner rather than later out or you will be that forever alone guy.
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On January 12 2014 17:07 Dogfoodboy16 wrote:
FYI Valentines Day is in 1 month. You better get into a relationship sooner rather than later out or you will be that forever alone guy.
The coming of Valentines Day is a terrible reason to start a relationship.
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Netherlands6187 Posts
Most people wait until after Valentines day to start a relationship 
I was never big on it, because I believed you should celebrate your special someone everyday rather than on a publicly marketed day once a year where is is suddenly socially acceptable to have ott pdas. But all the same I dreaded being single on Valentines day simply because I had to watch everyone else do cute coupley stuff.
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Russian Federation1016 Posts
I actually prefer to celebrate the 13th of February aka International Desperation Day. Don't get me wrong, I don't take advantage of lonely girls, I love the atmosphere: the pubs are full, standards are low, expectations are even lower and the decisions are poor...
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On January 13 2014 01:18 IAmWithStupid wrote:
I actually prefer to celebrate the 13th of February aka International Desperation Day. Don't get me wrong, I don't take advantage of lonely girls, I love the atmosphere: the pubs are full, standards are low, expectations are even lower and the decisions are poor...
I think we could be good friends.
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I'll probably still forget about valentine's day, get reminded the day itself or the day before and have to think of something to do at the last minute. Like trying to put my not so great cooking skills at work. And then two weeks later, it's her birthday.
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EPT
