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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 31 2013 06:28 Chompy wrote:
Hey guys,
I'm with a girl for more than 8 months, I'm actually madly in love with her which leads me to feeling freaking insecure all the time and it hurts me a lot, I often feel like shit because of this...
The thing is that I can't believe she really loves me for several reasons :
I truly believe she is lesbian, she was in love with one of her friend until last year, but they never had a real relationship besides sex (this is what my girlfriend told me). Which leads me to the fact that my girlfriend texts all the time with her friend, really all the time !! It drives me mad I don't know what I should feel or do about that..
Also there always is a fucking guy wanting her, and she rarely says straight up that she has a boyfriend.
Finally my last relationship ended pretty strangely, I was with a girl for 1,5 year, we met in high school and she loved me madly (to the point that she often annoyed me) and she broke with me without me seeing anything coming, I was hugely upset...
So what do you think ? I would like to feel better because in fact I'm dating the girl I love but I often feel pretty bad..
Here's a simple advice. Read your post again and stop doing all of it. There's not much more to say. Stop being so insecure and so jealous.
Insecurity and jealousy come from a feeling of thinking you're dating out of your league and that if it stops it will never happen again. It also comes from a feeling that the other person will at some point recognize you as a looser and move on.
Here is the ironic part. These feeling of jealousy will end up being your own doom making you look as the loser you're thinking to be. Finally being in a jealous mindset will feed your brain with "proofs" clouding your judgement and increasing your negative sentiment as a result. Unless you have a freaking tangible proof there's no reason for it.
If you think you could be better then fine, work on what you can (hygiene, grooming, sports, hobbies, career, romantic actions etc) and ignore the rest (height, face features, eye color, etc). But meanwhile you really gotta stop the negative loop that is jealousy. Let her do her stuff as long as it doesn't step on your relationship (for example if my girl texts someone constantly while I'm doing something else I don't care, but if it's during dinner you bet I'm gonna ask her to stop. The recipient of the texting is irrelevant).
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I pretty much agree with all that you said, I just think my insecurity doesn't come from the out of my league thing (because I don't feel like its this, and it's objectively not true) but it comes from the fact that I believe she likes women more than men after all, and particulary she would like to be with "the" girl which will probably never happen and she knows it.
It's weird, but I will work on myself about this insecurity. But it's hard !!
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On December 28 2013 19:31 Mikau wrote:While we're discussing the lack of drive towards sex and self improvement. Do you people think masturbating too much contributes in some way? I fap like crazy normally, as in multiple times per day every day. I've tried the no fap thing a couple of times before, but I usually caved before or around the first week, thinking it's just cruel and unusual punishment  . Maybe something worth looking into (again)? And speaking of self improvement and trying and getting yourself out there: How much of a douche would I be if I ask a girl out that's been flirting with me a lot (I'm pretty sure she's into me, but I've been wrong before) that I'm not thát interested in? Granted I don't really know her (she's a cashier at a local super market). I mean she's cute and all, but she doesn't get my heart racing. It seems like a dick move to ask her out basically as an ego boost or 'just to get myself out there'.
It is absolutely a dick move to use somebody else as an 'ego boost'. It's devaluing and selfish. You don't need to stop masturbating all the time, try limiting yourself to once a day or once every other day? Stop masturbating because you're bored, only do it when you really feel you need to.
Stay immersed in yourself and your own interests and get more comfortable talking to people. This should make it easier for you to meet people you actually connect with, then you won't feel the need to force relationships with people for manipulative reasons. If you still feel that need, then don't act on it.
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On December 31 2013 08:04 Chompy wrote:
I pretty much agree with all that you said, I just think my insecurity doesn't come from the out of my league thing (because I don't feel like its this, and it's objectively not true) but it comes from the fact that I believe she likes women more than men after all, and particulary she would like to be with "the" girl which will probably never happen and she knows it.
It's weird, but I will work on myself about this insecurity. But it's hard !!
Jealousy isn't helping you, her or your relationship.
If you really feel that you are not equally committed to the relationship, then that's a problem you two need to work out together. But nobody commits 8 months of their life to someone they don't have feelings for.
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So im curious as to people's opinions on something that happened to me last night. Basically for the past few months I've been talking to this girl i met on Halloween. We get along (seemingly) rather well and have a ton in common, but have only hung out once or twice since she goes to school a little ways away and isn't in town to often (we text though), I should also note that i've been "friendzoned" with her (i asked her out, and she basically told me shed rather be friends atm) which is fine, since she's quite awesome as a friend too.
Anyways... to get more to the point, last night we were talking and she was super down about life and i told her i'd be all ears if she wanted to vent. So she did, and told me about 4 or so things that have been bringing her down, all in completely different areas in her life (family, friends, the holidays, relationships) which i wasn't quite expecting.. After this i feel like i screwed the pooch and approached helping her out wrong.. basically i figured i could respond back in two ways.. one i could give her my advice on the various things or two, just be super sympathetic towards her. I ultimately went more with the first option since its what i would want to hear, and she's asked for advice from me before. As such i unintentionally wrote her back a short novel since she told me all four things at once without giving me time to respond to any of them.... my issue right now, is that i've still yet to hear back from her since telling her what i thought.. so i feel like i choose wrong aha. What would you guys have done in my position? It's bugging me because she said nothing after... not even a thanks for trying. I'm planning on messaging her in a bit to see if shes feeling any better, but i hate texting people twice if they've never responded back last time so soon aha.
Just to give you all an idea of how i responded back; one of the things she was down about, was how someone she was supposed to be bringing to a NYE party had last minute bailed on her (it was a guy she was also venting to me about) and how she was upset that she'd be alone with all her friends who had significant others to celebrate with. So on that subject i told her that I know how she felt, since i've never been in a relationship before so knew how much it sucks to be around everything else and their SO on these kind of days, and that she should just stay positive and know that things will work out one of these days.
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Your example doesn't sound like you said anything that she would be offended by... but as a general rule of thumb, when a girl vents she often isn't seeking advice- she just wants someone to listen, agree with her (whether you do or not, hah), and tell she's wonderful and everything will be okay. If she doesn't reply by the end of the day, maybe send her a "hey, you doing okay?" sort of text.
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yeap. never give advice to a woman when they don't directly ask for it. Never.
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Netherlands6192 Posts
You all make out that women are mysterious, crazy beings. They're just like men, really not as hard to read as you think. They just require a bit more sensitivity than your male friends.
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She could be not getting back to you for other reasons, but I don't think people in general don't like to be given advice they don't ask for. I don't like it. This is not a female specific phenomenon. But maybe she's just busy or is waiting for the proper time to reply? If someone sends me a really long message I usually reply late because I want to give it an equivalent response and when I first read it isn't usually the appropriate time to do that.
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Time for new years eve, drinking, poor decisions and hopefully getting my buddy laid. Who is 23, and has never even kissed a girl. Haven't seen him in almost 2yrs and he's visiting me for the weekend and we are gonna party!
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aha well I guess I made the wrong call. It just seemed to be that or say, "that all really sucks", and the first seemed more personnel and caring. Oooohh well. You live and you learn.
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On January 01 2014 04:43 Zooper31 wrote:
Time for new years eve, drinking, poor decisions and hopefully getting my buddy laid. Who is 23, and has never even kissed a girl. Haven't seen him in almost 2yrs and he's visiting me for the weekend and we are gonna party!
haha sounds like we got the same friend
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On January 01 2014 03:52 kaykaykay wrote:
yeap. never give advice to a woman when they don't directly ask for it. Never.
This is simply not true in every case, I've had a girl I'm fantastic platonic friends with(something we both agreed upon) who's been having some life issues that I've given some form of advice on several times. She's thanked me every time and were incredibly close.
To be more specific I think it depends on the type of person, for another example just hearing "it's ok you're awesome you'll get through it" gets really tiresome and feels like lack of real effort. You should try to do both as much as possible in my opinion until you know what helps them the most
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On January 01 2014 04:00 dravernor wrote:
You all make out that women are mysterious, crazy beings. They're just like men, really not as hard to read as you think. They just require a bit more sensitivity than your male friends.
No no, women clearly aren't people. Women are these nebulous, sinister, mysterious Others. They're surely not as varied as men and talking to a woman is different than talking to a man because ??????
There should be an Ask A Lady thread. Is there such a thing?
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Netherlands6192 Posts
There are women who post in here.
Edit: I made that post because a lot of people ask for advice on talking to women etc when it is more of a general human interaction than a female specific one.
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On January 01 2014 05:45 Wingblade wrote:Show nested quote +On January 01 2014 03:52 kaykaykay wrote:
yeap. never give advice to a woman when they don't directly ask for it. Never. This is simply not true in every case, I've had a girl I'm fantastic platonic friends with(something we both agreed upon) who's been having some life issues that I've given some form of advice on several times. She's thanked me every time and were incredibly close. To be more specific I think it depends on the type of person, for another example just hearing "it's ok you're awesome you'll get through it" gets really tiresome and feels like lack of real effort. You should try to do both as much as possible in my opinion until you know what helps them the most
There's a difference between someone really in need of advice (which may be your scenario) and someone just venting about stupid stuff as someone bailing on them at NYE (original poster scenario).
The first person really could use advises or help while the second is just being annoying. In which case I'd usually respond one of two things. "You're right it sucks" or "Stop whining, it annoys me". Depending on my patience with said person.
(which is what your post probably implied though)
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On December 19 2013 13:52 rezoacken wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2013 10:15 Grobyc wrote:On December 18 2013 03:54 Grobyc wrote:
So there's this really cute girl I was wanting to ask out. Pretty sure she's into me based on a bunch of things, that's not the problem. She's older though... I'm 22 and she's 27. Problem? Made plans with said girl to help me with christmas shopping for a mutual friend where I was also going to take her for dinner and to see Anchorman 2 afterward today... But she's got "the flu" and unable to come. Okay, could be completely legitimate, it is winter after all, but a rather shitty turn of events since she was giving me all these signs the other day when I got her number. (Added me on facebook that night, and asked another girl I was talking to if we were dating and how old I am to put things in perspective) Initially made plans for christmas shopping today over text then was going to bring up dinner + movie afterward. I'd like to reschedule in case she is actually just sick. If it wasn't already obvious I'm trying to get her on a date I'm sure it is now. I'd like to call her rather than text to show her I got them balls, etc. If no answer is it worth leaving a voicemail asking or what? Opinions? You can leave a message asking for a call back. Just force a callback, don't display your whole project in a 5min voice message. You can add a little goofiness to it, something funny like: "Oh god it's Bob, call me back something crazy happened !". Or just say you're going to call again in a couple days hoping to reach her. Apart from that there's no reason to doubt the legitimacy of her illness yet. It's the season and it's only a first refusal. Keep trying to make plans once or twice.
I thought I'd go back and comment on this just now. She was seemingly happy to reschedule for earlier this week and again let me know the day of that she's sick again and apologized profusely. So naturally I was pretty skeptical but told her we can reschedule again as well as she's invited to my brother's birthday dinner I went to yesterday. Again, she canceled yesterday due to still being sick and just as I'm about to write her off I hear my friends talking, one of whom works with this girl, and she was dead serious when she said that this girl does indeed have a really bad flu and has been sick to work the past 2 weeks. And I'm sure she's not just saying that because this friend is a pretty close friend and would be honest with me if it was something else.
Go figure, what are the chances. Guess I'll have to reschedule again until she's better. Admittedly it's nice that she wasn't just blowing me off, but still kind of sucks that I asked her out 2 weeks ago and just have horrible timing :/
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On January 01 2014 07:41 Grobyc wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2013 13:52 rezoacken wrote:On December 19 2013 10:15 Grobyc wrote:On December 18 2013 03:54 Grobyc wrote:
So there's this really cute girl I was wanting to ask out. Pretty sure she's into me based on a bunch of things, that's not the problem. She's older though... I'm 22 and she's 27. Problem? Made plans with said girl to help me with christmas shopping for a mutual friend where I was also going to take her for dinner and to see Anchorman 2 afterward today... But she's got "the flu" and unable to come. Okay, could be completely legitimate, it is winter after all, but a rather shitty turn of events since she was giving me all these signs the other day when I got her number. (Added me on facebook that night, and asked another girl I was talking to if we were dating and how old I am to put things in perspective) Initially made plans for christmas shopping today over text then was going to bring up dinner + movie afterward. I'd like to reschedule in case she is actually just sick. If it wasn't already obvious I'm trying to get her on a date I'm sure it is now. I'd like to call her rather than text to show her I got them balls, etc. If no answer is it worth leaving a voicemail asking or what? Opinions? You can leave a message asking for a call back. Just force a callback, don't display your whole project in a 5min voice message. You can add a little goofiness to it, something funny like: "Oh god it's Bob, call me back something crazy happened !". Or just say you're going to call again in a couple days hoping to reach her. Apart from that there's no reason to doubt the legitimacy of her illness yet. It's the season and it's only a first refusal. Keep trying to make plans once or twice. I thought I'd go back and comment on this just now. She was seemingly happy to reschedule for earlier this week and again let me know the day of that she's sick again and apologized profusely. So naturally I was pretty skeptical but told her we can reschedule again as well as she's invited to my brother's birthday dinner I went to yesterday. Again, she canceled yesterday due to still being sick and just as I'm about to write her off I hear my friends talking, one of whom works with this girl, and she was dead serious when she said that this girl does indeed have a really bad flu and has been sick to work the past 2 weeks. And I'm sure she's not just saying that because this friend is a pretty close friend and would be honest with me if it was something else. Go figure, what are the chances. Guess I'll have to reschedule again until she's better. Admittedly it's nice that she wasn't just blowing me off, but still kind of sucks that I asked her out 2 weeks ago and just have horrible timing :/
You've been trying for 2 weeks. When I'm mildly sick it can last 1 week so a bad flu can last 2. And when I'm sick I ain't going to date... (sneezing, shit face, fever aren't putting me in my best light). And that comes from a guy.
Now admittedly when someone cancel multiple times it's never a good sign but on the other hand you've been trying it all in the same period. So it's hard to tell. I would have just let more time pass between each proposition. Next time you ask in 5 to 7 days, make sure she's no longer sick and make another try.
If she's okay and still flakes I'd give up just telling her she has the ball now and if she wants something to happen to give a call. If she says she is still sick, give it another try 5 days later. If she's forever sick, drop it and give her the ball.
Either way, don't get too attached to the outcome and don't give too much energy or attention thinking about it.
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Yeah I think that's best. I'll just check in with her at the end of the week and see how she's doing before actually scheduling anything. I'm not holding my breath, but I still definitely have some interest so we'll see.
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Interest is fine... just go in this with reserve, it's not a good flop (flu ?) to go all-in.
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EPT
