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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On January 02 2014 14:18 chadissilent wrote:
Well, it looks like I've finally got past all the bullshit with my crazy ex. Made out with 3 girls while standing in line to get into the NYE event last night, and ended up bringing home a new friend. We probably got 45 minutes of sleep last night but it was a fun evening.
I'd be happy making out with 1 chick per month atm. Averaging 1 a year...
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On January 02 2014 16:10 Zooper31 wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2014 14:18 chadissilent wrote:
Well, it looks like I've finally got past all the bullshit with my crazy ex. Made out with 3 girls while standing in line to get into the NYE event last night, and ended up bringing home a new friend. We probably got 45 minutes of sleep last night but it was a fun evening. I'd be happy making out with 1 chick per month atm. Averaging 1 a year...
If you got your own stuff fixed (decently dressed, groomed, able to speak) it's mostly a number game after that. If you ask for a number once a year, you certainly won't get a lot of date that year.
If you don't meet enough, do more activities where there are women. If it's already a part of your life, then spark conversations a bit more often with the ones around. Then when interested move in to go further, either a quick phone grab or spending a little time right there (depending on the situation). Etc.
Successes require failures.
Experience/skill only make successes more likely.
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On January 02 2014 16:27 rezoacken wrote:
If you got your own stuff fixed (decently dressed, groomed, able to speak) it's mostly a number game after that. If you ask for a number once a year, you certainly won't get a lot of date that year.
Just talk to anyone and everyone when it's convenient and the atmosphere is right. You don't have to approach people and try to impress them. If you're at the bar and someone is grabbing a drink beside you, strike up a conversation. What's the worst that can happen, you part ways after getting your drinks?
You don't have to approach someone with the intent of getting a phone number. If you speak with someone and things go well, sure, get their number. If not, whatever -- life goes on.
If you don't meet enough, do more activities where there are women. If it's already a part of your life, then spark conversations a bit more often with the ones around. Then when interested move in to go further, either a quick phone grab or spending a little time right there (depending on the situation). Etc.
To me that just seems awkward, do people actually make changes to their lives to meet more women? If so, why? That concept seems so foreign.
Successes require failures.
Experience/skill only make successes more likely.
That seems so black and white. What is a success? What is a failure? What constitutes experience and skill? Can it be taught, or is it just what flows naturally?
IMO, the most valuable skill a person can have is the ability to read social situations. Not in a textbook way, but just get a feeling of what's going on and knowing how to handle a situation. I was speaking with a good friend of mine over the winter break and we got talking about confidence in reading social situations. We both agreed that it's beneficial when you get to a point where one can accurately predict responses before you say anything. You have a good idea how someone will react to what you're about to say before you even say it. It allows you to drive a situation, steer a conversation, and know when to get the fuck out of a convo and stop bothering a person.
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On January 02 2014 09:59 DoctorHelvetica wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2014 09:44 Mikau wrote:On December 31 2013 08:48 DoctorHelvetica wrote:On December 28 2013 19:31 Mikau wrote:While we're discussing the lack of drive towards sex and self improvement. Do you people think masturbating too much contributes in some way? I fap like crazy normally, as in multiple times per day every day. I've tried the no fap thing a couple of times before, but I usually caved before or around the first week, thinking it's just cruel and unusual punishment  . Maybe something worth looking into (again)? And speaking of self improvement and trying and getting yourself out there: How much of a douche would I be if I ask a girl out that's been flirting with me a lot (I'm pretty sure she's into me, but I've been wrong before) that I'm not thát interested in? Granted I don't really know her (she's a cashier at a local super market). I mean she's cute and all, but she doesn't get my heart racing. It seems like a dick move to ask her out basically as an ego boost or 'just to get myself out there'. It is absolutely a dick move to use somebody else as an 'ego boost'. It's devaluing and selfish. You don't need to stop masturbating all the time, try limiting yourself to once a day or once every other day? Stop masturbating because you're bored, only do it when you really feel you need to. Stay immersed in yourself and your own interests and get more comfortable talking to people. This should make it easier for you to meet people you actually connect with, then you won't feel the need to force relationships with people for manipulative reasons. If you still feel that need, then don't act on it. Is going out on a date with somebody you don't know and aren't sure you're into devaluing and selfish or using her? It's not like I'm planning on stringing her along for months, I just want to get myself out there more and I figure somebody who is showing signs of interest would be a good place to start. If it doesn't work out and we don't click (assuming she'd say yes) I have no intention of keeping things going. That should be fine. Just be self-aware of what you're doing, maybe it'll work out for you then. I think you've come to the conclusion on your own that you're not doing anything wrong - so why not just do it?
No I'm seriously wondering if it's a douchey thing to do, so your honest opinion is appreciated. Before other people in this thread told me it should be fine as long as I don't keep it going if I'm still not into her after a date or two I was actually leaning more towards not doing it because I thought it wasn't a nice thing to do.
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On January 02 2014 19:28 Mikau wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2014 09:59 DoctorHelvetica wrote:On January 02 2014 09:44 Mikau wrote:On December 31 2013 08:48 DoctorHelvetica wrote:On December 28 2013 19:31 Mikau wrote:While we're discussing the lack of drive towards sex and self improvement. Do you people think masturbating too much contributes in some way? I fap like crazy normally, as in multiple times per day every day. I've tried the no fap thing a couple of times before, but I usually caved before or around the first week, thinking it's just cruel and unusual punishment . Maybe something worth looking into (again)? And speaking of self improvement and trying and getting yourself out there: How much of a douche would I be if I ask a girl out that's been flirting with me a lot (I'm pretty sure she's into me, but I've been wrong before) that I'm not thát interested in? Granted I don't really know her (she's a cashier at a local super market). I mean she's cute and all, but she doesn't get my heart racing. It seems like a dick move to ask her out basically as an ego boost or 'just to get myself out there'. It is absolutely a dick move to use somebody else as an 'ego boost'. It's devaluing and selfish. You don't need to stop masturbating all the time, try limiting yourself to once a day or once every other day? Stop masturbating because you're bored, only do it when you really feel you need to. Stay immersed in yourself and your own interests and get more comfortable talking to people. This should make it easier for you to meet people you actually connect with, then you won't feel the need to force relationships with people for manipulative reasons. If you still feel that need, then don't act on it. Is going out on a date with somebody you don't know and aren't sure you're into devaluing and selfish or using her? It's not like I'm planning on stringing her along for months, I just want to get myself out there more and I figure somebody who is showing signs of interest would be a good place to start. If it doesn't work out and we don't click (assuming she'd say yes) I have no intention of keeping things going. That should be fine. Just be self-aware of what you're doing, maybe it'll work out for you then. I think you've come to the conclusion on your own that you're not doing anything wrong - so why not just do it? No I'm seriously wondering if it's a douchey thing to do, so your honest opinion is appreciated. Before other people in this thread told me it should be fine as long as I don't keep it going if I'm still not into her after a date or two I was actually leaning more towards not doing it because I thought it wasn't a nice thing to do.
Don't become a white Knight, just do weekday you enjoy doing as long as it's not rape.
Also another thing I've noticed in her that about everyone in this thread does apart from r.Evo and CD, is that everyone is so extremely negative. The thing that worked for me was to stop being negative. In the beginning just tell yourself that you are a good person or whatever. If something happens, frame it positively and get used to seeing the beautiful things in everything. Basically it makes you view the world as something far more beautiful, and makes you calmer in general. Also starting positive will help you identify the stuff that you really like and dislike. So that if someone would pull a dick move, you can say that you don't like it without overreacting.
Anyway don't look at why things are not possible, try to find out what you want to do to make it possible. The glass is half empty, but only because we drank the other half. And let me tell you, it was gooood. :D
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On January 02 2014 19:28 Mikau wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2014 09:59 DoctorHelvetica wrote:On January 02 2014 09:44 Mikau wrote:On December 31 2013 08:48 DoctorHelvetica wrote:On December 28 2013 19:31 Mikau wrote:While we're discussing the lack of drive towards sex and self improvement. Do you people think masturbating too much contributes in some way? I fap like crazy normally, as in multiple times per day every day. I've tried the no fap thing a couple of times before, but I usually caved before or around the first week, thinking it's just cruel and unusual punishment . Maybe something worth looking into (again)? And speaking of self improvement and trying and getting yourself out there: How much of a douche would I be if I ask a girl out that's been flirting with me a lot (I'm pretty sure she's into me, but I've been wrong before) that I'm not thát interested in? Granted I don't really know her (she's a cashier at a local super market). I mean she's cute and all, but she doesn't get my heart racing. It seems like a dick move to ask her out basically as an ego boost or 'just to get myself out there'. It is absolutely a dick move to use somebody else as an 'ego boost'. It's devaluing and selfish. You don't need to stop masturbating all the time, try limiting yourself to once a day or once every other day? Stop masturbating because you're bored, only do it when you really feel you need to. Stay immersed in yourself and your own interests and get more comfortable talking to people. This should make it easier for you to meet people you actually connect with, then you won't feel the need to force relationships with people for manipulative reasons. If you still feel that need, then don't act on it. Is going out on a date with somebody you don't know and aren't sure you're into devaluing and selfish or using her? It's not like I'm planning on stringing her along for months, I just want to get myself out there more and I figure somebody who is showing signs of interest would be a good place to start. If it doesn't work out and we don't click (assuming she'd say yes) I have no intention of keeping things going. That should be fine. Just be self-aware of what you're doing, maybe it'll work out for you then. I think you've come to the conclusion on your own that you're not doing anything wrong - so why not just do it? No I'm seriously wondering if it's a douchey thing to do, so your honest opinion is appreciated. Before other people in this thread told me it should be fine as long as I don't keep it going if I'm still not into her after a date or two I was actually leaning more towards not doing it because I thought it wasn't a nice thing to do.
What you are describing is pretty much WHY dating is a thing - you need to figure out if you are attracted to the other part and vice versa. A lot of people seem to get ahead of themselves and thus take the rejection very harshly because they have begun imagining a life with the other, but nothing is more natural than trying it out and realizing that there are no strong emotions for the other.
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I was also thinking about committing the same mistake you were talking about, Mikau, though I'm more on the "sex is very important"-side, but I'm with you in that I'd need more. Woohooing a hooker to lose our virginity is pretty sad imo, and wouldn't even solve anything. I couldn't even joke about it... "Oh yeah, ya' know, I did it with a hooker, haha... ha... shoot me..." and I'd probably end up in a bigger mess/tilt than I'm in now. Also, your aguement, that it's just to know what to do when it happens with a "real girl" is pure bullshit, my mind pulled tricks on me as well, trying to convince me why it would be a good thing. It's plain and simply paying for sex because I am desperate and angry, but I'd still consider myself a virgin and the skills I'd learn with that said woman pobably wouldn't translate too well into a normal relationship. It's cool if someone gags herself and do every nasty stuff you can imagine with you for the $$$s, but I doubt that's how every normal intetcourse works. Even if the girl is kinky as hell, no way she can compete with a "professional". And our part is pretty straightforward in this, so the only way we could screw up if the machine does not work. Especially if the girl is somewhat experienced, because I bet they'd even enjoy being the teachers - you hear them girls complaining all the time about guys who think they are hot stuff, but fail to deliver in the bed. At least they know we could be instructed to do it properly.
Aaaaanyway, I'm way off, haha. About the "be who you want to be" stuff: what if I don't want to be anyone else? (And I might talk for Mikau here as well, but he'll share his thoughts on this, so I'll use "I".) Sure, being more confident striking up conversations you guys talk about is definetly something I'd like to do, but apart from that, I don't feel I want to have a different personality. I left my most hated traits along the way of growing a bit older, and the ones that remained are mostly only cureable if I'm in an actual relationship. Like, am I really over jealousy? I can't possible answer that without having a long term relationship. The only thing I'm craving for is being more attractive aaaand maybe being more interesting, but being interesting is an *drumroll* interesting question, which we've talked about. Maybe I am alread,y maybe not. I think - and you'll tell me if I'm wrong or not - only those should change who are either waaaaaaaaaaaaay nice to everyone, thus wondering why are they always in the friendzone, and the ones who are just brutes. Though funnily enough, you see so many douchebags having NORMAL girlfriends, it's cazy. And by normal I don't mean the looks, but overall. Intelligent and shit. Unreal. I get that bad boys makes some girls wet, but please, how can you get together with the most abusive asshole on the face of Earth? I guess confidence IS the thing after all, because that's something these guys don't lack at all.
I'd probably want to change some things in my inner self as well, I just don't know about these, howewer nothing major, like being a "let's p-p-p-party in the club every weekend!" guy or something like that. I don't have any problem with them, but I just don't like that environment, even though I'm aware that after getting wasted in every weekend in a club full of also wasted gils, I'd probably net something. The only thing I know I would erase from myself is my clumsiness, but that's kinda built in, I don't control it. Like today I hit my head into the ceiling in the gym next to a girl. It was loud as fuck. And the moral of the stoy is not "ooh, so you are clumsy around women!", no, I fucking hit my head at least 3 times when I go there. But you know what a clumsy person is like, I don't have to explain further. Sadly, confidence is not a useful skill toi have either in this case, because I just look more retarded, when I do stuff like that while trying to be the coolest guy on Earth who would not even turn back to watch an explosion.
That's my rant for today. Amazing proposal vid by the way, I'm genuenly happy for you! Just don't lose the flame - but that's for an entirely different thread.
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On January 02 2014 19:28 Mikau wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2014 09:59 DoctorHelvetica wrote:On January 02 2014 09:44 Mikau wrote:On December 31 2013 08:48 DoctorHelvetica wrote:On December 28 2013 19:31 Mikau wrote:While we're discussing the lack of drive towards sex and self improvement. Do you people think masturbating too much contributes in some way? I fap like crazy normally, as in multiple times per day every day. I've tried the no fap thing a couple of times before, but I usually caved before or around the first week, thinking it's just cruel and unusual punishment . Maybe something worth looking into (again)? And speaking of self improvement and trying and getting yourself out there: How much of a douche would I be if I ask a girl out that's been flirting with me a lot (I'm pretty sure she's into me, but I've been wrong before) that I'm not thát interested in? Granted I don't really know her (she's a cashier at a local super market). I mean she's cute and all, but she doesn't get my heart racing. It seems like a dick move to ask her out basically as an ego boost or 'just to get myself out there'. It is absolutely a dick move to use somebody else as an 'ego boost'. It's devaluing and selfish. You don't need to stop masturbating all the time, try limiting yourself to once a day or once every other day? Stop masturbating because you're bored, only do it when you really feel you need to. Stay immersed in yourself and your own interests and get more comfortable talking to people. This should make it easier for you to meet people you actually connect with, then you won't feel the need to force relationships with people for manipulative reasons. If you still feel that need, then don't act on it. Is going out on a date with somebody you don't know and aren't sure you're into devaluing and selfish or using her? It's not like I'm planning on stringing her along for months, I just want to get myself out there more and I figure somebody who is showing signs of interest would be a good place to start. If it doesn't work out and we don't click (assuming she'd say yes) I have no intention of keeping things going. That should be fine. Just be self-aware of what you're doing, maybe it'll work out for you then. I think you've come to the conclusion on your own that you're not doing anything wrong - so why not just do it? No I'm seriously wondering if it's a douchey thing to do, so your honest opinion is appreciated. Before other people in this thread told me it should be fine as long as I don't keep it going if I'm still not into her after a date or two I was actually leaning more towards not doing it because I thought it wasn't a nice thing to do.
No it isn't douchy at all. Going on a date is how you form a full take on someone you find attractive. Someone who is cute but not crazy hot can suddenly become so if their personality is great. Likewise, a smoking hot girl can become gross to you if her personality blows.
Going on a date, or two or three, with someone you are unsure about but wanna give it a chance isn't douchy
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On January 02 2014 18:26 chadissilent wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2014 16:27 rezoacken wrote:
If you got your own stuff fixed (decently dressed, groomed, able to speak) it's mostly a number game after that. If you ask for a number once a year, you certainly won't get a lot of date that year. Just talk to anyone and everyone when it's convenient and the atmosphere is right. You don't have to approach people and try to impress them. If you're at the bar and someone is grabbing a drink beside you, strike up a conversation. What's the worst that can happen, you part ways after getting your drinks? You don't have to approach someone with the intent of getting a phone number. If you speak with someone and things go well, sure, get their number. If not, whatever -- life goes on. Show nested quote +If you don't meet enough, do more activities where there are women. If it's already a part of your life, then spark conversations a bit more often with the ones around. Then when interested move in to go further, either a quick phone grab or spending a little time right there (depending on the situation). Etc. To me that just seems awkward, do people actually make changes to their lives to meet more women? If so, why? That concept seems so foreign. Show nested quote +Successes require failures.
Experience/skill only make successes more likely. That seems so black and white. What is a success? What is a failure? What constitutes experience and skill? Can it be taught, or is it just what flows naturally? IMO, the most valuable skill a person can have is the ability to read social situations. Not in a textbook way, but just get a feeling of what's going on and knowing how to handle a situation. I was speaking with a good friend of mine over the winter break and we got talking about confidence in reading social situations. We both agreed that it's beneficial when you get to a point where one can accurately predict responses before you say anything. You have a good idea how someone will react to what you're about to say before you even say it. It allows you to drive a situation, steer a conversation, and know when to get the fuck out of a convo and stop bothering a person.
this is mostly correct and why introverts struggle to find many opportunities, because the cost of having to strike up small talk is not worth it to them in most cases. So If you are a introvert then you will most likely have to change your definition of what is worth doing to meet more women.
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I'll slowly dissect your post, hopefully I can help a bit.
On January 03 2014 00:56 Volband wrote:
Aaaaanyway, I'm way off, haha. About the "be who you want to be" stuff: what if I don't want to be anyone else? (And I might talk for Mikau here as well, but he'll share his thoughts on this, so I'll use "I".) Sure, being more confident striking up conversations you guys talk about is definetly something I'd like to do, but apart from that, I don't feel I want to have a different personality.
Who says you have to change your personality or be someone else? Find what you like about yourself, what other people connect with, and use it as a common ground with others.
I left my most hated traits along the way of growing a bit older, and the ones that remained are mostly only cureable if I'm in an actual relationship. Like, am I really over jealousy? I can't possible answer that without having a long term relationship.
You're ready for a relationship when you are totally happy with yourself. When you're independently happy and don't have to rely on others, you'll be happy whether or not you have someone in your life. It shows you're stable, not overly clingy, and have other things to worry about instead of negative feelings towards your potential partner.
The only thing I'm craving for is being more attractive aaaand maybe being more interesting, but being interesting is an *drumroll* interesting question, which we've talked about. Maybe I am alread,y maybe not. I think - and you'll tell me if I'm wrong or not
What is interesting about you? Sell yourself to me. What are your hobbies? What are you passionate about? Are you passionate about your hobbies or do you just partake in them to keep busy?
only those should change who are either waaaaaaaaaaaaay nice to everyone, thus wondering why are they always in the friendzone, and the ones who are just brutes. Though funnily enough, you see so many douchebags having NORMAL girlfriends, it's cazy. And by normal I don't mean the looks, but overall. Intelligent and shit. Unreal. I get that bad boys makes some girls wet, but please, how can you get together with the most abusive asshole on the face of Earth? I guess confidence IS the thing after all, because that's something these guys don't lack at all.
Why shouldn't you be really nice to everyone? Most of my closest friends are female, I have female roommates and I still don't really have issues with dating girls. Hell, my friends/roommates are supportive when I start seeing someone new. I'm not friends with them because I'm a douchebag, yet somehow the girls I hook up with don't instantly friendzone me. This all relates back to having social awareness that I mentioned in my last post. You need to realize when it's appropriate to friendzone a girl and just be really nice or when you're trying to hook up/date someone.
I'd probably want to change some things in my inner self as well, I just don't know about these, howewer nothing major, like being a "let's p-p-p-party in the club every weekend!" guy or something like that. I don't have any problem with them, but I just don't like that environment, even though I'm aware that after getting wasted in every weekend in a club full of also wasted gils, I'd probably net something.
You don't have to be an avid partier to meet a girl. On the flip side, you can't stay home and play video games all the time and still expect to meet someone. If you're out of your comfort zone and doing some sort of activity, you will always run into people with a similar mindset.
Also, there's really nothing wrong with meeting a girl when you've had drinks at a club. Hell, I picked up an amazing girl from outside of a club and proceeded to have a longterm relationship with her. We were both drunk, but had a good time. The more I found out about her, the more I liked her. She was intelligent, professional, cute, funny, and caring. Not all girls at the bar are sluts.
The only thing I know I would erase from myself is my clumsiness, but that's kinda built in, I don't control it. Like today I hit my head into the ceiling in the gym next to a girl. It was loud as fuck. And the moral of the stoy is not "ooh, so you are clumsy around women!", no, I fucking hit my head at least 3 times when I go there. But you know what a clumsy person is like, I don't have to explain further. Sadly, confidence is not a useful skill to have either in this case, because I just look more retarded, when I do stuff like that while trying to be the coolest guy on Earth who would not even turn back to watch an explosion.
You're clumsy? Own it. The only time a situation is awkward is when YOU FEEL AWKWARD. You don't have to play something off as being cool, that's just being silly. People that try to be "cool" are usually the most insecure people trying to overcompensate and people pick up on that pretty quickly.
You hit your head on the ceiling? "What is this, a gym for ants?" or "THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS BECAUSE I AM SO TALL" (in a semi-shouting tone). Laughter will defuse any awkward situation. That's where confidence helps, not because you're trying to look suave or cool or whatever. Hell, sometimes I just bitch and complain in an awkward situation because I know I can. It's all lighthearted banter and breaks any tension in the air.
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On January 03 2014 02:40 VayneAuthority wrote:
this is mostly correct and why introverts struggle to find many opportunities, because the cost of having to strike up small talk is not worth it to them in most cases. So If you are a introvert then you will most likely have to change your definition of what is worth doing to meet more women.
Being introverted doesn't mean you have to be socially awkward, I'm an introvert as well. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and you'll see what you are really capable of. I don't mean you have to change the way you live or choose activities solely based on meeting women. Simply getting over that barrier to start a conversation with someone is all you need. Watch the movie "Yes Man" and take the general theme from that movie. Too many limitations are self-imposed because we say no, sometimes all you need is a "yes" and things work themselves out in the end.
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On January 03 2014 03:00 chadissilent wrote:Show nested quote +On January 03 2014 02:40 VayneAuthority wrote:
this is mostly correct and why introverts struggle to find many opportunities, because the cost of having to strike up small talk is not worth it to them in most cases. So If you are a introvert then you will most likely have to change your definition of what is worth doing to meet more women. Being introverted doesn't mean you have to be socially awkward, I'm an introvert as well. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and you'll see what you are really capable of. I don't mean you have to change the way you live or choose activities solely based on meeting women. Simply getting over that barrier to start a conversation with someone is all you need. Watch the movie "Yes Man" and take the general theme from that movie. Too many limitations are self-imposed because we say no, sometimes all you need is a "yes" and things work themselves out in the end.
This. Saying "nooo I can't do it" will just make you weak in the brain. Try things, try to see the positive things in failure, stop fucking whining and rationalising, and you'll find out what you really like. Sure wanking and playing games are fun, but using introvertedness as an excuse to stay inside and never trying other stuff is just retarded. Step out of your comfortzone every now and then, just to find out just how many things you like and love. Locking yourself into the concept "introvert" is just a limiting belief.
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On January 02 2014 18:26 chadissilent wrote:
Just talk to anyone and everyone when it's convenient and the atmosphere is right. You don't have to approach people and try to impress them. If you're at the bar and someone is grabbing a drink beside you, strike up a conversation. What's the worst that can happen, you part ways after getting your drinks?
You don't have to approach someone with the intent of getting a phone number. If you speak with someone and things go well, sure, get their number. If not, whatever -- life goes on.
We agree on that. That's why I added "if you are interested" in my post.
To me that just seems awkward, do people actually make changes to their lives to meet more women? If so, why? That concept seems so foreign.
You even say it yourself, "get out of your comfort zone" and blablabla. If guy spend all his time at home on the internet or with his male friend good luck meeting someone.
So yeah... if you want to meet some people you have to be somewhere where there is said sort of people (and online dating could be even qualified as such a "somewhere"). How can it be foreign to you ? I'm not suggesting the guy changes everything.
However let's be clear here. The guy should chose activities he also enjoys ! Maybe I wasn't clear on that because it should be fucking obvious after thousands of posts on this thread that you shouldn't pick salsa dancing if you hate it.
That seems so black and white. What is a success? What is a failure? What constitutes experience and skill? Can it be taught, or is it just what flows naturally?
Obviously you won't get so much nuances and explanations in the 3 word sentence I wrote. Success is getting a desired result (and failure it's opposite). Of course there are nuances in between but that doesn't change my discourse.
As for skill/experience you provided an example and yes it can be taught/learn but it's the responsibility of the student to do his homework.
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On January 03 2014 03:00 chadissilent wrote:Show nested quote +On January 03 2014 02:40 VayneAuthority wrote:
this is mostly correct and why introverts struggle to find many opportunities, because the cost of having to strike up small talk is not worth it to them in most cases. So If you are a introvert then you will most likely have to change your definition of what is worth doing to meet more women. Being introverted doesn't mean you have to be socially awkward, I'm an introvert as well. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and you'll see what you are really capable of. I don't mean you have to change the way you live or choose activities solely based on meeting women. Simply getting over that barrier to start a conversation with someone is all you need. Watch the movie "Yes Man" and take the general theme from that movie. Too many limitations are self-imposed because we say no, sometimes all you need is a "yes" and things work themselves out in the end.
if you find yourself wanting to strike up small talk with people, then you are not an introvert or at least not anywhere near the far side of the spectrum. That advise was not directed at you at all anyhow.
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On January 03 2014 03:56 rezoacken wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2014 18:26 chadissilent wrote:
Just talk to anyone and everyone when it's convenient and the atmosphere is right. You don't have to approach people and try to impress them. If you're at the bar and someone is grabbing a drink beside you, strike up a conversation. What's the worst that can happen, you part ways after getting your drinks?
You don't have to approach someone with the intent of getting a phone number. If you speak with someone and things go well, sure, get their number. If not, whatever -- life goes on.
We agree on that. That's why I added "if you are interested" in my post. Show nested quote +To me that just seems awkward, do people actually make changes to their lives to meet more women? If so, why? That concept seems so foreign. You even say it yourself, "get out of your comfort zone" and blablabla. If guy spend all his time at home on the internet or with his male friend good luck meeting someone. So yeah... if you want to meet some people you have to be somewhere where there is said sort of people (and online dating could be even qualified as such a "somewhere"). How can it be foreign to you ? I'm not suggesting the guy changes everything. However let's be clear here. The guy should chose activities he also enjoys ! Maybe I wasn't clear on that because it should be fucking obvious after thousands of posts on this thread that you shouldn't pick salsa dancing if you hate it. Show nested quote +That seems so black and white. What is a success? What is a failure? What constitutes experience and skill? Can it be taught, or is it just what flows naturally? Obviously you won't get so much nuances and explanations in the 3 word sentence I wrote. Success is getting a desired result (and failure it's opposite). Of course there are nuances in between but that doesn't change my discourse. As for skill/experience you provided an example and yes it can be taught/learn but it's the responsibility of the student to do his homework.
Ah, yeah. I took your post as saying basically "you should rearrange your life and choose activities that let you meet more women" (not good) rather than "get out of the basement and into the real world" (legitimate advice).
What I meant by all the success/failure questions was, what if your desired result is to get laid, but instead you have a conversation and make a new friend. Is that a success or a failure? I've seen lots of the PUA artist propaganda that try to put everything in such black and white terms in order to develop a framework for people to work within. Sadly real life isn't like that so I was just trying to clarify.
On January 03 2014 04:21 VayneAuthority wrote:Show nested quote +On January 03 2014 03:00 chadissilent wrote:On January 03 2014 02:40 VayneAuthority wrote:
this is mostly correct and why introverts struggle to find many opportunities, because the cost of having to strike up small talk is not worth it to them in most cases. So If you are a introvert then you will most likely have to change your definition of what is worth doing to meet more women. Being introverted doesn't mean you have to be socially awkward, I'm an introvert as well. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and you'll see what you are really capable of. I don't mean you have to change the way you live or choose activities solely based on meeting women. Simply getting over that barrier to start a conversation with someone is all you need. Watch the movie "Yes Man" and take the general theme from that movie. Too many limitations are self-imposed because we say no, sometimes all you need is a "yes" and things work themselves out in the end. if you find yourself wanting to strike up small talk with people, then you are not an introvert or at least not anywhere near the far side of the spectrum. That advise was not directed at you at all anyhow.
I know it wasn't directed at me. Not wanting to talk to people usually doesn't mean you're introverted. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert but people should understand what it really means. It doesn't mean being shy, awkward, nerdy, etc. Introversion is such a misused term around here, here are a few definitions people should check out (not directed at you).
http://giftedkids.about.com/od/glossary/g/introvert.htm
http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts#.UsW-LvRDt8E
http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html (really good talk)
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Such a result would be a failure as to what was desired but yeah it's still a good end result (de facto) for other area of your life. But we're arguing semantics at this point. And of course if you make a new friend you should cherish him/her no matter what was the initial idea; that's what good people do... and without creepy lurking ideas.
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On January 03 2014 04:33 rezoacken wrote:
Such a result would be a failure as to what was desired but yeah it's still a good end result (de facto) for other area of your life. But we're arguing semantics at this point. And of course if you make a new friend you should cherish him/her no matter what was the initial idea; that's what good people do... and without creepy lurking ideas.
This is where we may differ. Success, to me, is obtaining a net positive result in your life. The most successful people don't always get what they want but they do often receive a positive net benefit in their social interactions.
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On January 03 2014 02:40 VayneAuthority wrote:Show nested quote +On January 02 2014 18:26 chadissilent wrote:On January 02 2014 16:27 rezoacken wrote:
If you got your own stuff fixed (decently dressed, groomed, able to speak) it's mostly a number game after that. If you ask for a number once a year, you certainly won't get a lot of date that year. Just talk to anyone and everyone when it's convenient and the atmosphere is right. You don't have to approach people and try to impress them. If you're at the bar and someone is grabbing a drink beside you, strike up a conversation. What's the worst that can happen, you part ways after getting your drinks? You don't have to approach someone with the intent of getting a phone number. If you speak with someone and things go well, sure, get their number. If not, whatever -- life goes on. If you don't meet enough, do more activities where there are women. If it's already a part of your life, then spark conversations a bit more often with the ones around. Then when interested move in to go further, either a quick phone grab or spending a little time right there (depending on the situation). Etc. To me that just seems awkward, do people actually make changes to their lives to meet more women? If so, why? That concept seems so foreign. Successes require failures.
Experience/skill only make successes more likely. That seems so black and white. What is a success? What is a failure? What constitutes experience and skill? Can it be taught, or is it just what flows naturally? IMO, the most valuable skill a person can have is the ability to read social situations. Not in a textbook way, but just get a feeling of what's going on and knowing how to handle a situation. I was speaking with a good friend of mine over the winter break and we got talking about confidence in reading social situations. We both agreed that it's beneficial when you get to a point where one can accurately predict responses before you say anything. You have a good idea how someone will react to what you're about to say before you even say it. It allows you to drive a situation, steer a conversation, and know when to get the fuck out of a convo and stop bothering a person. this is mostly correct and why introverts struggle to find many opportunities, because the cost of having to strike up small talk is not worth it to them in most cases. So If you are a introvert then you will most likely have to change your definition of what is worth doing to meet more women.
Introvert here. 1st part of the solution is being talkative, it comes with work and having 1/2 people you know with you, to be at ease.
Problem left : too much *small* talk leads to a LOT of friends, some sex, but few relationships -_-
Still got work to do :-D
usually you can know if you're intro/extravert this way :
- if being around people drains your energy and you need some time to yourself to recharge, then you're introverted
- if you recharge your batteries by interacting with other people, then you're an extravert.
Nothing to do with being awkward, not wanting to speak to people or living in a closet.
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On January 03 2014 04:55 chadissilent wrote:Show nested quote +On January 03 2014 04:33 rezoacken wrote:
Such a result would be a failure as to what was desired but yeah it's still a good end result (de facto) for other area of your life. But we're arguing semantics at this point. And of course if you make a new friend you should cherish him/her no matter what was the initial idea; that's what good people do... and without creepy lurking ideas. This is where we may differ. Success, to me, is obtaining a net positive result in your life. The most successful people don't always get what they want but they do often receive a positive net benefit in their social interactions.
Yeah if you read again I say it's a failure in an area and a success in another. But like I said the idea is the same as yours, it's only the framing that is different.
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On January 03 2014 02:56 chadissilent wrote:
I'll slowly dissect your post, hopefully I can help a bit.
Who says you have to change your personality or be someone else? Find what you like about yourself, what other people connect with, and use it as a common ground with others.
I don't really know what other people connect with, but my humour is definetly one. Howewer, I have to be in my comfort zone to not look like a vegetable, and that's a problem. I could force myself to crack a joke among strangers, but it would be impossible to act like I mean it, so it's like destined to death.
You're ready for a relationship when you are totally happy with yourself. When you're independently happy and don't have to rely on others, you'll be happy whether or not you have someone in your life. It shows you're stable, not overly clingy, and have other things to worry about instead of negative feelings towards your potential partner.
That just won't happen, but I guess the point is to try to feel as good independently as you can.
What is interesting about you? Sell yourself to me. What are your hobbies? What are you passionate about? Are you passionate about your hobbies or do you just partake in them to keep busy?
I don't think I have hobbies. I used to write stuff for gaming sites actively (and wrote some other stuff, but they weren't too serious), and I was even passionate about it, but due to outside reasons I lost interest in that. So basically I have a somewhat lame hobby if I even have that now. Sure I like music and tv series and video games, but that's like a standard for everyone.
What could be interesting is my humour I mentioned earlier, and that it's pretty much guaranteed we're going to argue/debate about something, because I have strange views on things and I'm fairly vocal about everything I don't agree with, to the point I actually become passionate about it. Also - for better or worse - I don't really lie. If you are asking me if you are stupid and I think you are stupid I'm going to tell you that you are stupid. So overall you can have a good laugh with me, I can fuck you up beyond imagination if you are willing to keep debating me about something, and maybe I'm too harsh sometimes, but at least you can count on me to tell you the truth. I think the latter has something to do with people connecting with me, I come off as pretty trustworthy - also, I look somewhat fragile, which helps as well. I'm also willing to do crazy stuffs, even though I'm quite insecure. This helped me a great deal on the dates I've been talking about, because I just provoked myself by thinking "there's no way you'd do that", so I did that. Not because I was brave/confident, but it seemed completely crazy and stupid to do that. I like crazy and stupid stuff.
What I'm passionate about... well, I don't know if it makes any sense, but I like explaining stuff I like. That's part of the reason why I liked writing. I have that urge to correct everyone, and with writing articles I didn't have to quote each and every person. You think Infestor is not lame and unhealthy to SC2? (at the end of WoL) I better write a huge ass article where I explain to you why it's a terrible design. It's among my shortest articles, so you can see how painstakingly I did stuff when I actually cared about it. Like, I'm a very lazy person but I fucking had to color the "Yes" green and the "No" red at the end, because that's how I thought it would be perfect and I didn't want to settle with anything less. But it's not just games, when I was watching a reality show that was pretty popular here (similiar to Big Brother) I found myself spending even an hour writing posts where I analyzed things, or replied to others, correcting them, or whatever. I could talk for hours about my favourite TV series or why I think it's amazing and you should watch it; or about my favourite band and why I think they are the best thing ever, and you should definetly check them out and I will make a collection of their best songs if you want; or about the plot of a video game that I find amazing and you should definetly play it, at least for the story; etc. So, to sum it up, I think I'm passionate about making you like the stuff I like (and I feel you would/could like it too), but not necessarily passionate about.
Well, I don't think it's THAT bad, but in a "let's hook up with her situation" I pretty much have to drop my only hobby that's not even my hobby anymore, and have to avoid the things I'm passionate about, because I come off as pushy, or "the guy who only talked about his idiotic stuff". I wish I liked puppies and was passionate about them. Oh well, there, I sold myself. So, you up for a date m8????
You don't have to be an avid partier to meet a girl. On the flip side, you can't stay home and play video games all the time and still expect to meet someone. If you're out of your comfort zone and doing some sort of activity, you will always run into people with a similar mindset.
Also, there's really nothing wrong with meeting a girl when you've had drinks at a club. Hell, I picked up an amazing girl from outside of a club and proceeded to have a longterm relationship with her. We were both drunk, but had a good time. The more I found out about her, the more I liked her. She was intelligent, professional, cute, funny, and caring. Not all girls at the bar are sluts.
I'm not morally against it, I just hate clubs, and that dancing and etc. And what sort of activity are we talking about? In my town there's like fighting sports and that's it, and I'm not interested in it at all. Also, as you mentioned, I should like my hobby, and not just partake in it for the sake of it, but if I don't want any activity/hobby in particular, I have to just... force it out. It's not that I want to sit at home, but rather I don't know what else to do, or what else would I even want. Mind you, I live in a shitty town, in a city it's sooo much better and easier.
Oh, and maybe I should mention that I think I like helping people who are in need of help, but it's a very fragile thing. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding my mind's signals, but when I see someone getting by with crippled legs, or with a walking stick due to bad sight, I just feel depressed, and would like to have the courage to walk up to them and just... I don't know, help them, but I'm afraid of coming off as someone who pities them and the fact that I'm not sure why I feel this way just makes it worse. What if it's really just pity deep inside? Once I was so fucking depressed when I didn't ask a girl if I could help her down on the stairs I was actually thinking about going back to there exactly 1 week later and wait. It was in another city. 6 hours of travelling overall. Lots of money. I was serious, and I had no hidden intentions, I really just wanted to help her without gaining anything out of it.
I also like animals. I was even thinking finding a job in a zoo, but cleaning poopoo is not exactly how I want to be close with them.
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EPT
