EPTLets be honest here. lastpuritan fucked up. The question is whether he is willing to use that to make himself into a better person, or if he is going to try to hide it. I would be less concerned about the influence on the relationship and more concerned about the influence on himself. Be a you that you can be happy with.
Dating: How's your luck? - Page 1016
| Forum Index > General Forum |
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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Simberto
Germany11400 Posts
Lets be honest here. lastpuritan fucked up. The question is whether he is willing to use that to make himself into a better person, or if he is going to try to hide it. I would be less concerned about the influence on the relationship and more concerned about the influence on himself. Be a you that you can be happy with. | ||
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bo1b
Australia12814 Posts
I'm trending towards lying tbh. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
My gf told me 5 days back she wants to take a break 1month into a 4 month LDR. And she cited being confused about out future, not being sure she can accept the career I've chosen and that she just needs to not be in a relationship for a while. But it dawned to me It was also literally 3 days after a great Skype date where she'd almost beg me not to leave, was all lovey dovey, with great banter the whole time she was there. I mean it didn't really matter that much to me, both things mean I just stop all contact, go through the 5 stages of grief, consider myself single when she doesn't want to put in the effort, see other women, focus on working on myself and if she reaches out then great, I might go out with her, and just nip it in the bud right away if it turns out she did cheat before hand, no big deal. But when I imagine I'd be one of the people that wouldn't do that, keep clinging on her at the back of my the head, keep the LDR and not go through the painful process of letting go(feels like you lost half of your ribcage, but it's just necessary ) , close myself to great people I meet And we'd go back to live in the same town when ldr ends and find out she wanted to get a break after she cheated just to feel better I'd feel really furious, betrayed and it'd be hard to recover from that | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
Almost identical situation where her boyfriend didn't let go then found out about cheating later Created a lot of bad blood and a very toxic end to a long (strong) relationship, he's never forgiven her even after getting back together briefly afterwards. Now they don't even talk Imo if you care about the girl in the long run and really consider having kids etc. With her one day You grow balls and come clean and take the risk | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On October 11 2018 18:10 evilfatsh1t wrote: @lastpuritan i dunno what the nature of your relationship is because i havent read previous posts, but if you want to keep the relationship alive and you think shes gonna be the mother of your children i honestly dont think you should tell her. as others have said, id say the likelihood of her leaving you or doing something stupid out of pure anger or vengeance is very high and you will part ways if you can accept that result then you should do the right thing and tell her, but if you definitely do not want to lose her then dont. it may not be the right thing to do, but the best forms of diplomacy dont come from 100% honesty. sometimes it just better to keep your mouth shut if theyre better off not knowing. if youre sure that it wouldnt happen again and youre worth putting faith in still, then just keep it to yourself. Props for going against the grain, but with a reasoned explanation. I don't agree, but it adds to the conversation. First part I definitely agree with, good chance she leaves you out of anger or vengeance. No doubt. I can picture some cases where someone is better off not knowing, but in relationships strong foundations almost never come from dishonesty. That's such a core concept, and once you start saying "okay, I don't have to tell her about cheating because she is better off not knowing" you're then making executive calls on what your partner should and should not know. That's not an open line of communication when you deliberately hide things from each other and it rarely if ever leads to an effective relationship. I can think of some example where you might not tell her, such as if you are working on the house and royally fuck something up in the process. You're going to immediately fix it, so telling her and adding stress might not make sense when you haven't done anything "wrong" and are going to immediately fix it before she is even aware. Cheating isn't like that. You have a core tenant that you two have agreed to be monogamous. It's one of the foundations of that relationship. Your partner deserves to know. For most people it doesn't pass the basic sniff test either, I don't think many people would want their partner hiding affairs/cheating from them. Think about your wife/gf doing that to you. Would you approve of her saying nothing? but if you want to keep the relationship alive and you think shes gonna be the mother of your children i honestly dont think you should tell her. This part I see where you're going, I really do. But it misses something critical...her finding out later. This usually happens. Hiding secrets for a long time is hard and usually something comes out. If you don't hide it, you break up and never have kids with this woman. You get in a healthy relationship with someone else and have kids and raise them. No harm. Let's say you hide it and get married. Have kids. Five years later she finds out. Perhaps is even more furious since you deliberately hid it, and probably confess that when she confronts you. Now she leaves you, with a messy divorce, kids, and a hostile attitude. This is WORSE for you in the long run, and it's wayyyy worse for the kids. If this was a 1 in 100 or 1 in 1000 situation, I'd entertain it more. But it's probably 1 in 5 to maybe 4 in 5 chance she finds out. Then you have a messy, angry divorce that really hurts your kids. I can't accept that risk. Your dishonesty should not have any chance of ever hurting your children and it's very cruel and self -centered to take that risk. if youre sure that it wouldnt happen again and youre worth putting faith in still, then just keep it to yourself. This is fantasy land. Especially for the OPs case where it took him 3 weeks to cheat and he lives in a house of debauchery that adds extra temptation. 0% chance it would happen for the OP. For everyone else, maybe 0.1% chance or less. 1 in 5 admit to cheating. 4 out of 5 admit that they WOULD cheat if they knew they wouldn't get caught. That's self reported and we know people lie to make themselves look better, even on surveys. Actual rates are assuredly higher. The average guy already has poor odds. The OP however, is a guy who has been with 90+ women meaning: he is used to having sex with a variety of women, women find him attractive, and he really likes sex. Put that all together...he is going to cheat. It's just how it goes. Sure, he could be the one in a thousand that reforms and develops an iron will, but that's NOT a statistic on which you should promise someone monogamy. On October 11 2018 19:24 evilfatsh1t wrote: its more about probability than morals. theres no question that the morally correct thing to do is to come clean. the issue is the probability of the relationship surviving afterwards and whether the op is ok with a breakup or if he desperately does not want to end the relationship. I agree. Long term though, I still think it's a bad choice and will damage his baseline happiness. He will know he is holding something from his wife/gf and that he was never honest with her. This will forever taint the relationship, his happiness, and his satisfaction. If he tells her, she breaks up with him, he figures out what works for him and finds another great relationship in a more honest, clean manner. Guarantee he is far more happy long term doing the latter. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On October 11 2018 22:01 LemOn wrote: I guess I'm just biased My gf told me 5 days back she wants to take a break 1month into a 4 month LDR. And she cited being confused about out future, not being sure she can accept the career I've chosen and that she just needs to not be in a relationship for a while. But it dawned to me It was also literally 3 days after a great Skype date where she'd almost beg me not to leave, was all lovey dovey, with great banter the whole time she was there. I mean it didn't really matter that much to me, both things mean I just stop all contact, go through the 5 stages of grief, consider myself single when she doesn't want to put in the effort, see other women, focus on working on myself and if she reaches out then great, I might go out with her, and just nip it in the bud right away if it turns out she did cheat before hand, no big deal. But when I imagine I'd be one of the people that wouldn't do that, keep clinging on her at the back of my the head, keep the LDR and not go through the painful process of letting go(feels like you lost half of your ribcage, but it's just necessary ) , close myself to great people I meet And we'd go back to live in the same town when ldr ends and find out she wanted to get a break after she cheated just to feel better I'd feel really furious, betrayed and it'd be hard to recover from that Everytime I read stuff like this, I'm glad I'm non-monogamous. This whole issue doesn't exist for me, because it just doesn't matter. I don't expect her to stick to unreasonable expectations that I'm not willing, or confident of, being able to hold myself to. On October 11 2018 14:48 Emnjay808 wrote: I miss waking up with a full heart and feeling genuinely happy. Skimming through this thread’s current topic about feeling unfulfilled with one night stands really made me realize that. It’s extremely challenging to break out of my open dating lifestyle and start seeking serious relationships, for many reasons. One of which I previously posted about. I serously hope I get out of this rut or w/e it is I’m experiencing cause it feels like I’m wasting my time away 😕 Unless you're using "open" in a different way than I imagine, you're making it sound like being open/non-monogamous is somehow mutually exclusive to having a serious relationship which is definitely not the case. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On October 11 2018 23:37 L_Master wrote: Everytime I read stuff like this, I'm glad I'm non-monogamous. This whole issue doesn't exist for me, because it just doesn't matter. I don't expect her to stick to unreasonable expectations that I'm not willing, or confident of, being able to hold myself to. Yeah I mean I love dating being non-monogamous, but picked her out of 3-4 women consciously because they just stopped interesting me, she was that awesome/compatible. So 4 months of LDR after 3.5years when she's a 3hour plane ride away didn't seem unreasonable at all. At least for me  I mean yeah turns out she's not willing to work on it, or openly discuss the issues she has with me until she's gone for a month where we can't deal with anything and only after she decided she wants to take a break and it hurt a lot. Doesn't mean I won't give monogamy a shot again at one point if the girl knocks my socks off and I won't see the point of even thinking of others. You just gotta take risks in life, and suck up and deal with the pain or it'd be pretty dull wouldn't you say? | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On October 12 2018 00:38 LemOn wrote: Yeah I mean I love dating being non-monogamous, but picked her out of 3-4 women consciously because they just stopped interesting me, she was that awesome/compatible. So 4 months of LDR after 3.5years when she's a 3hour plane ride away didn't seem unreasonable at all. At least for me I mean yeah turns out she's not willing to work on it, or openly discuss the issues she has with me until she's gone for a month where we can't deal with anything and only after she decided she wants to take a break and it hurt a lot. Doesn't mean I won't give monogamy a shot again at one point if the girl knocks my socks off and I won't see the point of even thinking of others. You just gotta take risks in life, and suck up and deal with the pain or it'd be pretty dull wouldn't you say? It comes as no surprise that it's right around 3 years where she wanted a break. That's right about the time where many women seem to start getting sexually bored with their man. This is also born out in that 2 year mark of marriage the the mean time for cheating...which for most couples is around 3-5 years. To your final sentence, I would agree, if I thought there were benefits to taking said risks. I don't see any. What do I gain from agree to be monogamous? In so far as I can tell, I now am restricted in who I can have sex with and have added a concern about whether she is being faithful to me. Both of those are negatives. The only upside I can think of is that she won't, theoretically, be out having sex with other guys. But who cares about that? I'm not her master, and I want whoever I'm with to be happy. If she enjoys having sex with more than one partner, then I would encourage and want her to do so. If she is lonely while I am away on a trip and meets some cute guy at a club and is craving a little attention and wants him, I want her to be happy and not worried about if I would care if he bangs her brains out. I talked about this much, much more like 10-30 pages back, but in general I think monogamy works only for a select few types, and generally isn't a good option. In most of the cases where I've seen it "work", aka couples still together in 50s, 60s, 70s, or older; they aren't exactly paragons of happiness. Lots of supporting evidence for this, foremost amongst it the stats both for cheating and for divorce. I guess simply put I see no benefits and many downsides to monogamy. The way I look at it there are a few categories of relationships:
You can have any of these in a non-monagamous situation. Want to have two casual relationships and a few FWB's? Definitely possible. Want a non-monogamous committed relationship or marriage? Also possible (probably doesn't mix well to try to have multiple committed relationships, or even a committed relationship and a casual relationship). Definitely possible to have a marriage/committed relationship in which you have FWB or casual sex. The intimacy and emotional connection are what define a serious relationship. It's more than possible to have sex with other people without disrupting that in the slightest. | ||
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Dark_Chill
Canada3353 Posts
On October 12 2018 01:15 L_Master wrote: To your final sentence, I would agree, if I thought there were benefits to taking said risks. I don't see any. What do I gain from agree to be monogamous? In so far as I can tell, I now am restricted in who I can have sex with and have added a concern about whether she is being faithful to me. Both of those are negatives. The only upside I can think of is that she won't, theoretically, be out having sex with other guys. But who cares about that? I'm not her master, and I want whoever I'm with to be happy. If she enjoys having sex with more than one partner, then I would encourage and want her to do so. If she is lonely while I am away on a trip and meets some cute guy at a club and is craving a little attention and wants him, I want her to be happy and not worried about if I would care if he bangs her brains out. I talked about this much, much more like 10-30 pages back, but in general I think monogamy works only for a select few types, and generally isn't a good option. In most of the cases where I've seen it "work", aka couples still together in 50s, 60s, 70s, or older; they aren't exactly paragons of happiness. Lots of supporting evidence for this, foremost amongst it the stats both for cheating and for divorce. I guess simply put I see no benefits and many downsides to monogamy. The way I look at it there are a few categories of relationships:
You can have any of these in a non-monagamous situation. Want to have two casual relationships and a few FWB's? Definitely possible. Want a non-monogamous committed relationship or marriage? Also possible (probably doesn't mix well to try to have multiple committed relationships, or even a committed relationship and a casual relationship). Definitely possible to have a marriage/committed relationship in which you have FWB or casual sex. The intimacy and emotional connection are what define a serious relationship. It's more than possible to have sex with other people without disrupting that in the slightest. A big reason is that polygamy is still frowned upon. Whether it's against each party's interests, the main idea of a family unit still exists. That image doesn't contain a mistress/(mister?) or side-partners, so it's not something people consider. In addition to this, when people do imagine a relationship with side-partners, the first thing that comes to mind is cheating/ unfaithfulness. That's important because this is something you need to agree on with your partner. Someone who wants an open relationship and someone who wants a closed relationship CAN'T be together. It'll probably take a couple decades for anything but a small subset of the population to be accepting of polygamy. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On October 12 2018 01:27 Dark_Chill wrote: A big reason is that polygamy is still frowned upon. Whether it's against each party's interests, the main idea of a family unit still exists. That image doesn't contain a mistress/(mister?) or side-partners, so it's not something people consider. In addition to this, when people do imagine a relationship with side-partners, the first thing that comes to mind is cheating/ unfaithfulness. That's important because this is something you need to agree on with your partner. Someone who wants an open relationship and someone who wants a closed relationship CAN'T be together. It'll probably take a couple decades for anything but a small subset of the population to be accepting of polygamy. Polygamy I think specifically refers to multiple spouses. That's a different ball game. I can't imagine loving more than one person or see that working. Maybe for someone else it would be possible, but not for me. Someone who wants an open relationship and someone who wants a closed relationship CAN'T be together. Absolutely. Without a doubt this is true. And indeed I've had some FWB's who have disappeared on me when they found a guy they wanted a serious relationship with. Interestingly, they seem to come right back after that ends. It'll probably take a couple decades for anything but a small subset of the population to be accepting of polygamy. I don't tell people on the first date that I'm not monogamous, so I'm not exactly screening for it. I don't hide it, but I'm not up on the pulpit preaching my relationship philosophy either. When a woman I'm seeing wants to know and asks me what we are, I explain clearly that she is someone I care about and love spending time with and would like to date (if that's true, if not I explain that we are FWB), but that I will never be monogamous and she should make the choice that is best for her happiness. So far, over 75% of women have been okay with this. I've had a few who never contacted me again or said they couldn't do that, but most have been okay with it. Worst case is you lose out on relationship that seemed promising. Not the end of the world, especially that early in the relationship where that would come up. You're not going to suddenly spring "Oh hey I'm monogamous hope you're cool with that" two years into a relationship when you guys are deeply committed and intimate and it would hurt you terribly to lose her. It comes with the territory though that some girls will walk when you tell them you only do open. | ||
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Laurens
Belgium4536 Posts
I feel like I'm going from one extreme into the other here. With my ex gf (2.5 years together) I was chatting non-stop. Constantly talking about what's going on in our day and linking some funny stuff we come across. Sending goodnight at the end of the day if we weren't staying over at each other's places, etc. Now with this new girl I'm dating it's the complete opposite. Chatting very rarely, mostly just agreeing on when/where to meet for our dates and then talk a lot in person about what's been going on in our lives. On the plus side, we never run out of stuff to talk about on dates, which sometimes did happen with my ex. Also I had a hard time remembering all the little details from all the chatting, especially if we chatted while I was working. She sometimes got mad about that. ("You already asked me this/I already told you this REEEEEE") On the other hand I quite enjoyed the constant chatting and I wouldn't mind hearing from this new girl more often. Still early days in this new relationship so maybe this is subject to change. I already know what LemOn is gonna say about chatting any other opinions on the matter? | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
All I can say that early courting phase and years together are not the same thing And also that it's your call, do what you want, it's your funeral :p | ||
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Laurens
Belgium4536 Posts
On October 12 2018 18:21 LemOn wrote: You're basically asking for the permission to blow up her phone early and try to make her write you more often All I can say that early courting phase and years together are not the same thing And also that it's your call, do what you want, it's your funeral :p Nah that's not what I'm asking at all  Just interested in other people's experiences. I already know your (passionate) view on the subject that's what I meant with that last line ^^ | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
Give her the space to come to you, sooner or later she will start blowing up your phone If you do things right | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
What to do to stop fucking up gain weight and make so many obvious cockups it'd make your head spin after the 2+ years mark I have no clue. Maybe the grand master general of open relationships is right, I'm not suited for long fb term monogamy I want kids one day tho pffft | ||
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bo1b
Australia12814 Posts
I want to be deeply involved in my partners life and I'd like the same in return, in pretty much every success story of a polygamous relationship I have ever heard, there's a layer of emotional and physical distance put up which I'm just not interested in. I have no doubt there are a handful of examples available of multiple people partnering up without a power imbalance in which they form a very happy life together; I have real doubts it's even 1% as common a success story as a monogamous couple. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On October 12 2018 18:51 LemOn wrote: Early phase always comes naturally What to do to stop fucking up gain weight and make so many obvious cockups it'd make your head spin after the 2+ years mark I have no clue. Maybe the grand master general of open relationships is right, I'm not suited for long fb term monogamy I want kids one day tho pffft And therein lies the challenge. A variety of things are surely the cause, but there is no doubt a HUGE downturn in attraction, sex, and general happiness most relationships after about 2-3 years. I say most, there are always exceptions. That some of the biggest threads on websites that have nothing to do with relationships are things like "Post Nuptial Shutoff thread" or "Why do I not want to have sex with my husband" is very telling. There is also research that notices the same thing, and reason to believe that there is biological "wiring" that basically assists in the loss of female to male attraction over time. It's far from the only reason relationships end, but it's a big one. It's happened in most relationships I know of. I think you can delay it with time, but except for rare exceptions, I think it's pretty much inevitable. There is a reason the stereotype of the couple that has somewhat forced sex once a week or less exists. With two highly committed people, there is probably quite alot you could do to stave off the general apathy that sets in by being aware of it and constantly trying to fight it. But that requires two HIGHLY committed people, both aware of the issues, with a lifelong desire to fight them. Possible, but very rare. Maybe the grand master general of open relationships is right, I'm not suited for long fb term monogamy I want kids one day tho pffft Dude! You can absolutely have kids without monogamy. This coming from someone who, from everything I have read, suggests that the nuclear, man and wife family is the ideal for raising children. This can easily exist within a non-monogamous framework. The simplest example would be the open marriage/open long term live in relationship with one or a few FWBs on the side depending on sexual needs. This is a deep, committed, loving relationship with a single woman, but you have a few others you see for sexual needs in a non emotional, friend only context. I can envision other ways, but I can imagine they would need a special type of person and be much more difficult to manage. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On October 13 2018 02:38 bo1b wrote: I think the vast majority of people aren't suited for non monogamous relationships and are attracted to the idea of it. On the other hand I'm not attracted to it at all, and frankly the type of relationship I'm after is something I'm not convinced is doable with more than 2 people for 99.999% of the worlds population. What? You're absolutely going to have to elaborate here. But to be honest, I don't think the type of monogamous relationship you want to doable, happily, for more than perhaps 5% of the worlds population and I think that's being generous. In fact, we already know that divorce rates (city) are close to 66%. We also know that self reported cheating rates (no longer monogamous relationship) are 20%, which most estimates by researchers suggesting lifetime cheating rates of 50-75%. 80% say they would cheat if they could and not get caught. What does that say about some combination of average relationship quality and/or happiness with monogamy? The stats are absolutely dismal. There are unique, rare individuals that can make monogamy work. There are an even rarer number of individuals that can make lifelong monogamy work and be fulfilled and happy with the arrangement. Most of the people I know, including my parents, who "made" monogamy work, are not exactly the happiest of people and while they have good moments in their relationships it's clear the net overall happiness is not great. Again, I do want to emphasize it CAN work, but it requires two individuals with high commitment, extreme determination, and ideally low sex drives for both. Please qualify your rational for "committed, emotional, deep non monogamous relationship is only doable for perhaps 0.0001%" statement. I'd love to know either your stats, evidence, or feelings for this opinion; right now I see only a belief with no supporting evidence or facts. There are many suggesting how poor monogamy works on average. On October 13 2018 02:38 bo1b wrote: I want to be deeply involved in my partners life and I'd like the same in return, in pretty much every success story of a polygamous relationship I have ever heard, there's a layer of emotional and physical distance put up which I'm just not interested in. I have the opposite experience. I haven't noticed this level of distance from most couples, and I've had the chance to meet a few of these couples now. On October 13 2018 02:38 bo1b wrote: I have no doubt there are a handful of examples available of multiple people partnering up without a power imbalance in which they form a very happy life together; I have real doubts it's even 1% as common a success story as a monogamous couple. No way to know this. There are so few non-monogamous couples that stats don't exist. Even anecdotal stats are hard to get. How many people know even 2 or 3, let alone 5 non monogamous couples that have been committed to each other for 5-10+ yrs". A lifelong, monogamous couple is a very rare thing. Factoring in cheating, and it's definitely less than 10% on it's own. Happy, non-monogamous couples I think are rarer than 1 in 100. I don't personally know a single one, married say more than 20 years, where I can say their relationship seems "happy". Close friends, parents, parents of friends, and grandparents. All of them seem loaded with stress, full of tension and arguments, sexless, and generally not happy. Yes, in all of them I've seen some very touching, beautiful, happy moments; but not to the extent of outweighing the downsides. I don't know any non-monogamous couple past 10 years. It's both too new, and too uncommon for the prevalence of it to be high, so I can't give you any data. Can you talk more about what you mean by "power imbalance"? | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On October 12 2018 17:02 Laurens wrote: I already know what LemOn is gonna say about chatting any other opinions on the matter?Yep. If you initiate texting too much early on you start to seem clingy and or needy to most girls, which is usually a major attraction buzzkill. And it basically IS being needy, because you want attention for her of a specific type. This will damage your relationship, attraction side especially, significantly. What would I do? I would tell her, in person sometime, that you really like talking with her and love it when she communicates with you. Less needy and/or bossy, you're not "telling her what to do", and just conveying what you like, which is absolutely appropriate. ------ I'm very big on never telling women what to do. I never say you "need to do this" or even "you ought to do this". I don't like being bossed around, as is true for most people, and I think it only leads to drama. Instead, I let me feelings be known and leave it at that. If she has a cute outfit I like, I won't request or tell her to wear it. I just say "I love how you look in that outfit, it flatters you big time and it really turns me on.". Or, in your example "You know, I absolutely love it when we communicate and share our days with each other like we did today  "If she tries to give me drama it's "Hey, I don't do drama. If you're not going to be a calm, reasonable person with me I'm going to leave". Or (since this is a thing for a lot of guys) "You're absolutely free to do what you want, but I don't enjoy going out with you when you wear an outfit like you did today." I've never had positive experiences trying to ask for, or god forbid, demand change or different behavior. At best it's received with a somewhat positive "I'll do my best" statement (that leads to nowhere, at worst it leads to immediate drama. Positive and negative reinforcement without trying to control someones life works much, much better for me. | ||
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bo1b
Australia12814 Posts
Again, I do want to emphasize it CAN work, but it requires two individuals with high commitment, extreme determination, and ideally low sex drives for both. I know it can work, and it's what I'm looking for. You yourself think it's absolutely dismal, you can probably see why I think it's even more dismal when you add more people to the mix. I can't possibly cite a broad range of sources on the success rate of a specific style of relationship pertaining to non-monogamous relationships, don't be ridiculous. The 66% divorce rate is extremely misleading for what it's worth, people who get divorced often get divorced a lot, people who don't don't get divorced at all. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/heart-the-matter/201704/do-half-all-marriages-really-end-in-divorce I do think it's telling that no one knows a single long term polygamous relationship at all. People have been going against the grain of society since it could be called such a thing, to this day successful polygamous relationships remain so rare as to be a fantasy. But in all honesty this line here: Happy, non-monogamous couples I think are rarer than 1 in 100. I don't personally know a single one, married say more than 20 years, where I can say their relationship seems "happy". Close friends, parents, parents of friends, and grandparents. All of them seem loaded with stress, full of tension and arguments, sexless, and generally not happy. Yes, in all of them I've seen some very touching, beautiful, happy moments; but not to the extent of outweighing the downsides. Tells me pretty much all I need to know on how you view such things, and I honestly think it's deeply immature. I can't think of a deep relationship which doesn't have some form of stress. I can think of several which aren't sexless and aren't "full of tension and arguments". I do think that far too many people marry way too young to the wrong person. I also think that there are way more sources of stress from outside a relation than inside. Particularly in a world of growing financial inequality. Can you talk more about what you mean by "power imbalance"? Sure, most couples have imbalances of power for many reasons, be it who earns more money, who's friends do they mainly hangout with etc. Out of interest, could you layout a rough overview of your current relations? Like how does it work, is it a loose network of people that you're sleeping with, or a group of people you take out on dates that all have their own groups they take out on dates? How committed are you? Do you plan on having children with them in the future (you might already, I doubt it though)? I'm curious as to the logistics of it, frankly I'm imagining something closer to very close friends that you happen to fuck, and they come in and out of your life over time. | ||
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