So you have an apple. One apple. You want to eat it, but your friend want's some too. Your going to have to share. Your buddy however is being difficult because he does't want to eat after you. That little shit! You also don't have a knife anywhere, so splitting the apple isn't going to be an option either...
Or is it?!
Step 1: Twist off that apple stem like your giving your bud a titty twister for being to scared to eat after you! Who eats the stem anyway?
Step 2: Put that apple on a hard surface. Have it standing up.
Step 3: Your index finger isn't just for picking your nose, learn to make it useful! Place it horizontally over the hole where the stem used to be.
Step 4: With your other hand make a fist. No, your not going to punch your buddy out for making you do something as stupid as this while you simultaneously cut the apple in half with your finger.
Step 5: Bring your fist down on your finger harder than the stock market on black tuesday.
And now your apple has been cut almost evenly in half! Enjoy! (I'm not responsible for any broken fingers)
The human body evolved to poo from a squatting position. Cave men were also skinny, therefore their intestines were situated above the anus rather than in front of it.
Thus, when pooing, flex your stomach muscles (Not your diaphragm, no pushing!) or clasp your hands together where your abdomen meets your pelvis and pull up and back, and revel in how much more quickly you get the job done.
Pushing causes inflamed blood vessels which can turn into hemorrhoids. Do not want!
If you need to wipe twice, best to just wipe once and get into the shower and finish with soap and water. That bit about 'roids up above? Any that might be forming are aggravated by excess friction. If you're away from home, wet down some paper towels and put a little dollop of hand soap on that bizzle and clean up with that, and then finish with an unsoaped wet paper towel. Don't rub too hard.
Long hair? Ever end up with several strands of hair in the bathtub after you're done? Then you're applying too much friction to your hair while showering. I'm a dude and had long hair for about a year, and had this problem. Then I happened upon a YouTube of a pretty asian girl demonstrating how to properly shampoo hair:
Isn't she adorable? DO WANT.
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Family history of diabetes? Stop eating fucking sugar.
When you're at a social event consuming canned beverages, after opening your can, turn the tab to the right or the left. No one else does this, and you can easily identify your drink if you put it down.
If you have trouble being motivated to go to the gym/jog in the rain/start your p90x, think of something that someone would say to you to motivate you to go to the gym (personally I use "to have a body of iron, you need a mind of iron") and right it on a sticky note that you put on your gym bag/computer monitor/car keys. When you see your funny/motivational note, you'll revert to your mindset that you were in when you wrote it and feel the motivation again! It really works, give it a try!
On March 10 2012 09:45 Carson wrote: If you have trouble being motivated to go to the gym/jog in the rain/start your p90x, think of something that someone would say to you to motivate you to go to the gym (personally I use "to have a body of iron, you need a mind of iron") and right it on a sticky note that you put on your gym bag/computer monitor/car keys. When you see your funny/motivational note, you'll revert to your mindset that you were in when you wrote it and feel the motivation again! It really works, give it a try!
I use this. My quote is "There are a ton of hot chicks out there and you need to be swole in order to get with them."
Strive to do what you enjoy, and live a life which makes sense to you. Find what makes you happy and go do it, don't accept misery or unfulfilled existence as inevitable. If you're not sure what makes you happy, try new stuff until you find it.
P.S. If you lack a sense of empathy and/or enjoy doing things which hurt yourself or others, then ignore my previous advice and seek psychiatric treatment.
Keep your kitchen knives sharp! Cooking is both faster, more fun and safer with sharp knives. Unless you plan on spending a lot of time learning how to sharpen your knives get yourself some kind of sharpening tools. Using a whetstone is quite tricky and will take some practice to get right and sharpening irons are largely ineffective for sharpening (they're made for straightening edges out).
In order to keep your knife sharp as long as possible be sure to always cut against a cutting board. The edge of a sharp knife is so thin that cutting against hard surfaces will cause much harm to it. Ceramic and glass are both harder than just about any steel you'll find a knife made of and will completely ruin the edge very fast. Cutting against other metals will also harm the edge very fast.
Ideally you only want to cut softer things such as vegetables and meat with your sharpest knife. For harder stuff like bone I would recommend having a secondary cheap knife that you can use.
Also make sure not to leave your knives wet. Wash them as soon as you are done using them and dry them off right away.
The best way to store you knives is a magnetic bar. That way you can make sure they stay dry and do not scrape against each other as they would in a drawer.
If you need to submit a paper and don't have it done, just rename a random file to paper.doc or w/e and email it in, it will look like a word document but won't open, then you can explain there was a problem with the email and turn it in later. I think anyways...don't blame me if it doesn't work.
On March 10 2012 08:52 AutomatonOmega wrote: Shitting like a bouse.
The human body evolved to poo from a squatting position. Cave men were also skinny, therefore their intestines were situated above the anus rather than in front of it.
Thus, when pooing, flex your stomach muscles (Not your diaphragm, no pushing!) or clasp your hands together where your abdomen meets your pelvis and pull up and back, and revel in how much more quickly you get the job done.
Pushing causes inflamed blood vessels which can turn into hemorrhoids. Do not want!
If you need to wipe twice, best to just wipe once and get into the shower and finish with soap and water. That bit about 'roids up above? Any that might be forming are aggravated by excess friction. If you're away from home, wet down some paper towels and put a little dollop of hand soap on that bizzle and clean up with that, and then finish with an unsoaped wet paper towel. Don't rub too hard.
You know, I've taken a dump every day for the past 21 years and 2 months and I have never ever had roids.... And I push, not flex my stomach. Prolly just your asshole thats a tad sensitive
If you have trouble sticking with going to the gym:
Actually put your gym days/dates in your calendar... Treat them as if they were any other appointment. That way you vastly reduce that "well, it WOULD be time to go to the gym but I'll just do it tomorrow..."
Bonus tip for gym/weight management: If you want to change something, you need to measure it first... Make a habit of weighing yourself every morning after taking a piss. If you're going to the gym consider tracking bodyfat or stuff like biceps circumference... That will motivate you once you see any positive change....
On March 13 2012 06:11 TheToast wrote: Anyone else notice that a really high proportion of these have to do with shitting and pissing?
:S
Things that consume the largest portion of your life. Eating Sleeping Expelling Waste Showering
So, anything surrounding those those things would be concentrated on. For most other things except work if you spend more time doing those you might be addicted to them. And since the work force is extremely diversified with job types you won't see a fuck ton of job related tips that are specific, but general tips could come in handy.
On March 10 2012 02:09 CyDe wrote: Learn to type. Really. Especially because, if you are reading this, you are probably someone who spends a decent amount of time on the computer. I've not used a typing program in years, just self-taught, and although I am not the best I am certainly better than the majority of people I know. What to do: -Try to keep your hands over the home line as much as possible. -Use all of your fingers. -If you make a mistake, correct it. -(I can't emphasize this one enough) TYPE PROPERLY IN CHATS! This will seriously improve typing, SERIOUSLY. You will become more accustomed to actually hitting 'y-o-u' instead of 'u'. Will help soo much when you actually need to type an important paper. -If you must chat quickly, then just drop something like capitals or apostrophes, but SPELL right. PLEASE. Especially on things like forums or facebook statuses, where there is no rush to send the message.
Learn to use semi-colons. -Will help so much if you are still in school and want to impress your teacher or just be proper.
If you are an adolescent, get over words. I am talking about words like sex and penis. Will make you look much more mature (and that's what chicks dig right? Eh?)
Don't swear so much. Look, I LOVE profanity, but saying "fuck" five words out of a twenty word sentence is very obnoxious. It doesn't make you cool. In fact, swearing less does. Not stopping completely, but making it a rare occasion is what you should aim for; this way, if you swear, people know you mean business.
Don't bite your nails. Pick up a different nervous habit, like pen-spinning or something.
I find that listening to something when falling asleep aides me greatly. I put on some George Carlin or other comedian, and not only do I doze off quickly, but I have awesome dreams :D
To quickly take off a t-shirt: -Put left hand over head in arc. -Grab, with your right hand, the cloth a bit above between you neck and sleeve. -Begin to pull right hand, with shirt, over head in arc. -Drop shirt off of right hand. (Will revise if someone needs help)
If you are teenager, talk to adults. They really are far more interesting than you would think.
BE ASSERTIVE. Start conversations. People are not going to pity you and try and talk to you because you seem despondent. Take the initiative!
Define yourself. Don't be one of those people whose entire humor or philosophy is that of a TV show (especially South Park). Also, try to keep the majority of your internet life out of your real one. NO ONE LIKES YOUR TROLL FACE IMPERSONATION. Laugh, don't LOL.
If you are one of those people who is concerned about carpal tunnel,keep your wrist and level as possible with your arm. Reduces risk a lot.
Be articulate. Makes you appear very intelligent and is genuinely a better way to communicate.
Set higher standards for yourself. Watch classic movies, play good games, subscribe to high-class youtube channels. Read the Count of Monte Cristo, not some dumbass Dan Brown book. Read the Allegory of the Cave, then watch the Matrix again. Blow your mind off.
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Sorry for the megapost and a lot of not-so-practical things. Had a lot to say.
Other than the "type properly in chat channels" bit solid post. It is proven that rarely do people ever become so mind boggled that they type u for you or 2 for too/to in a paper. They make the cognative choice to use whichever form they deem proper for the occasion. Unless you are very tired and writing a paper I doubt many would make that mistake.
So much of this thread has been complete garbage trolling, I just looked through 60 pages for some sound advice on how to live better -.-
I wish there were more psychological tips on how to live a happier life, not how to make your teeth brushing go 10 seconds faster or how to cut a apple with my finger. Or really bad gym advice.
EPT
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