I need help...very badly. - Page 3

On September 18 2005 07:55 rpf289 wrote:
Just when I really thought you were a nice guy, Smurg, you go make fun of me.

Down with Smurg!

On September 18 2005 00:43 Smurg wrote:
So with all the self-help/help me threads that are going around TL. I\'d like to start one of my own.

Ok.

So I\'m an average guy. How do I get laid? Please tell me a site where I can get tips on getting laid. Or could you Rico Suaves out there help me please. If there are hot girls around and they are willing, I\'m obviously on B.net. I have put two and two together and I figured that although B.net is a good place to learn some of the inner workings of females etc. I came here.

Obviously most of you out there are thinking...\"Hmm I\'ll put aside 20 minutes of my time...and fend off hundreds of women to help this guy.\"

So if you could perhaps post some links on where I could find women under 300 lbs to get \'down and funkay\' with...(I think thats what you cool guys say)then I\'d love you forever...but in a non-gay way because I AM SO NOT GAY.

I\'m really shy but at the same time arrogant. I spend most of my time watching anime and listening to metal...growing my hair. I collect navel fluff COMPETITIVELY and I enjoy my stacks of porno. Porno is really good because in a way...you are having sex...sex of the eyes and ears. But I\'ve been told the real thing is probably better.

Although I am willing to debate that watching an episode of Naruto...or beating a good player in an epic game of SC is better than sex itself...but I wouldn\'t know I\'ve only done two of those things. (AND SEX ISN\'T ONE OF THEM IF YOU DIDN\'T GET THE SUBTLETY!)

So basically..links plz...if you are a girl on TL.net and weight under 300 lbs...number and pics plz. I need willing women and fast.

So, I never shave...or shower...I don\'t talk to people who I don\'t know. This makes it hard for me to make contact with what some people call \'society\' but I don\'t have to listen to that bullshit. I\'ll wear cotton vests and grow my armpit hair as long as I damn want. I mean...French girls do it...I mean they\'d be right up my alley. (AND I WANT TO BE UP THEIR ALLEY!) Omfg get it! Rofl sorry almost choked on my own shit. I shat myself because that was so funny. (Up their alley...like punani...get it?)

Anyhow...if you\'re a chick who likes navel fluff and hair then good...but if you don\'t I don\'t care a lot...just touch my weener...please?

Anyhow...sorry I was a bit of a sad loser there. That\'s another thing...I\'m always getting down on myself. (in more ways that one OMGCRACKUP) So basically I need to know how to lose depression. I also fucking need a watch...I keep wanting to know the time...but like...then I\'d have to talk to someone...how would I do that? Do you just go up and be all like. \"Have you got the time?\" I mean wtf...that\'s why I never get my hair cut the hairdressers try to TALK to you...holy shit. They are paid to cut hair not to talk. I can\'t believe it...what the hell do I do in situations like that?

I also don\'t know how to cook noodles, please help me. I think you add the egg to the ramen? But how do I boil the water? And what about the egg? Do I leave it in it\'s shell? Life is so fucking confusing. Oh also...I have a lump on my face...it\'s red...and about the size of a pimple. It looks pretty much like a pimple in every way..but it hurts a fraction more. Could it be AIDS? A tumour? The start of some strange African mosquito-borne virus?

Anyhow...I have problems with my crotch. My balls suddenly are much lower than I remember...and my voice changed a bit. I\'m fucking scared. Has this ever happened to any of you guys? It\'s annoying...because when I\'m playing SC...I have this special combination of hotkeys to use and I have to sorta...\'lean\' over a bit and I can feel my balls move. This is the disadvantage I have found so far...and I haven\'t found any advantages.

Sometimes my nose bleeds, wtf is this? Do you guys get nose bleeds? Do you link this to child abuse or bad parents? I think sometimes I want to kill my mother...but in the end I realise that I guess they bought me my computer. But fuck it...it only has 1GB of RAM not 2GB. My parents are such bitches...they brought me up and shit...but they are always nagging me...such trivial bullshit...

\'Go and have a shower you smell!\'

\'Go and get your Dad his insulin!\'

\'Get a job...\'

\'Move out you useless bastard you\'re 28.\'

So annoying...it\'s not like I don\'t do my fair share around the house...I turn the dishwasher on every night....as if that wasn\'t enough I even flush when I use the toilet if I\'m not drunk at the time.

That\'s another issue...if a chick doesn\'t like anal but you give it to her anal and she cries...is it so wrong? Fucking hell...there has never been a woman outside of the home in history...why do they get all bossy in the bedroom?

Oh well...I guess I live a typical life and I only had a few queries.

Plz get back to me quickly on the sex thing...because each day I go on...my dog looks more and more tempting...that\'s another thing...is beastiality wron......nah I\'ll leave that for my next topic I have a large number of funny stories.

Haha I\'m laughing just thinking of them...

On September 18 2005 08:33 Smurg wrote:

Kinda of a collaboration of many 'Help me' threads. Not aimed entirely at you.

Besides...all in jest.

On September 18 2005 05:29 Smurg wrote:

?

People thought this was a joke?

Time to go cut myself and write a song about it.

(I know what you mean...but I liked going over the top. :D)

On September 18 2005 05:39 Smurg wrote:
Sometimes there are issues with...people not reading it all, people not being fluent in English or whatever...etc can lead to them being misled.

But apart from that....

So I'm taking a shit...and it was green....what does that mean?

I also have this dilemma with a SMOKING chick...I mean holy shit you could fry eggs on her perfect ass. She really wants to have sex with me...but the thing is...I have an uncircumcised penis...will she still like me? Could I get some stats and stuff on things...and does size really matter? She's got the greatest personality...she's smart...face like an angel...body like a goddess on fire...another thing is...I don't want to go against my parents...they are really religious. I am not in any way but if they found out I had been fornicating with a girl...I'd probably be given a LECTURE. A fucking lecture...I don't know if they would let me go out after 8PM after that...and they'd probably try to get me circumcised...

I don't want my winky in a bandaged slinky. T____T