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Belgium8305 Posts
Greetings, constituency!
I am here with you today to announce my candicacy as President of the United States. Seeing as how Ron Paul, a man who probably thinks of computers as just another type of portal for Mexicans to seep into our world, could get this much Internet endorsement, I figured the amount of support you would bestow on one of your own would be enough for me to become leader of the free world.
Now, I may not be a doctor, or a Southern Baptist minister, or a mayor, or a governor, or a senator, or someone who has any experience in politics whatsoever, but... Well, I forgot where I was going with this. Never mind.
The point is, I know what you want and I know how to git 'r' done. Just in case you're one of those weirdos who like rational arguments, I took the liberty of compiling a list with my stances on several important issues.
IMMIGRATION
My stance on immigration is a darwinist one. I propose that, rather than build a wall to keep our sombrero bearing friends on the right side of the border, we construct an intricate maze with various puzzles, traps and complicated riddles. This will ensure that only the very best and brightest make it through to contribute to our great nation.
Almost there, hermano!
HEALTH
I'm a huge fan of health and I think everyone should have health! I have consistently shown my support for health, except maybe that one time I accidentally drank two bottles of scotch and an ambulance came to pick me up, I yelled either "Fuck health!" or "Fuck help!", I have trouble remembering which one it was.
...Anyway, since pain is health's biggest enemy and painkillers are pain's biggest enemy, I propose we supply everyone with weed. As the old saying goes: "Smoke weed every day keeps the doctor away."
Of course, we would need a considerable amount of free space to build facilities in which to grow such vast quantities of weed. I propose we locate these facilities on the Bible Belt, because Fuck The South. The few individuals affected by this forced delocation are welcome to go live on the dark side of the moon.
WAR
I oppose the current war in Iraq because I oppose unfinished business. Don't get me wrong, I support our twenty-year-olds shooting potential terrorists (babies). I simply feel it's not right to start on your dessert when you haven't finished your potatoes yet. These potatoes may be moldy and vaguely reeking of wet dog by now, but by golly, I intend to eat every last one of them. You know these potatoes very well, for they are... Vietnam.
Yes, I am talking about The One That Got Away. We need to go back there and finish what we started to show the world that we can win a war of attrition against tiny men in trees.
Since we haven't actually been there in the last three or so decades, it's safe to assume Charlie has taken complete control. This means every inhabitant should be regarded as an enemy combatant and be treated as such, even when they might seem cheerful and come bearing gifts. They are a tricky people.
Happy children, or crafty bomb dolls? Do not hesitate.
ECONOMY
I'm not much of an economics man, but my advisors keep telling me that we require more vespene gas, need to build more overlords and don't have enough minerals. Therefore, I propose we get more. Free market, big government, common sense - these are just words to me. If we simply get more of everything we need, I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong.
I call this system More-onomics. People always start giggling when I say that, but I bet they're just jealous.
Why is everyone always saying "more-onomics indeed"?
Well, that's about everything I think about everything. I very much hope I have been able to conquer your heart and mind (and I don't mean that in the way gangreen conquered my grandpa's heart and mind). I'll be running as an Independent because I'm no longer welcome in both the Republican and the Democratic Party, after I got confused and mixed up at whose banquet you're supposed to eat a live baby.
If all goes well, I'll be your next President!
The first thing I'll do when I'm elected is get rid of the whole voting thing, in order to protect the only good decision you people are likely to make in your entire lives.
See you in the Oval Office,
the #1 President
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#1 poster now #1 president
<3
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United States24614 Posts
I'm not sure how to write in 'vgl-cow' but you have my vote!
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your immigration stance is awesome
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Physician
United States4146 Posts
I wouldn't vote for you but the blog gets a 5/5.
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hehe .. politics is so easy
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United States20661 Posts
On January 07 2008 06:38 Physician wrote:
I wouldn't vote for you but the blog gets a 5/5.
WHat the hell
not voting for Cow is like..
just vote for him damn you.
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i hold all the same stances but more intensely
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Your platform is extremely interesting, but I am afraid I'm still going to vote for my original choice: my dog; but only because she's pledged to sleep with me. If you're willing to go the extra mile, maybe something could be arranged...?
Great freaking post. rofl
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the next great president is here
you have my vote
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United States7166 Posts
your style of writing is very similar to Stephen Colbert's in his book "I Am America (And So Can You!) "
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hm yea the gangreen line was pretty funny.
you got my vote ;]
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Even if they got past the mazes and puzzles, you wouldn't exactly get the best and brightest. Innovative minds don't think alike, intellect is a vast thing clearly misunderstood, if your going to be a good president you cannot be this ignorant. Plus you need to be able to do and understand things and how the world works, not what your stupid nanny taught in you in that clumsy suburban home of yours. The world runs at its own pace and you quite seem to understand that, I'm not voting for you 
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im really drunk and i didnt laugh at all =(
too drunk to laugh? i didnt know it was possible. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
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I am with you on immigration and foreign policy, but you lost me at big government economics.
Haha, your actual views shine through the comedic facade. You silly Europeans.
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Snet
United States3573 Posts
First blog I've seen on TL that I would read again.
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I have a few questions that I need answered by my president before voting for him:
1) What about global warming?
2) What changes will you enforce in patch 1.16?
3) Will there be any legal restrictions on MBS in future games?
4) What is you solution to the "I-have-the-right-to-my-gun VS no-guns-->no-kills" debate?
5) What is your rank at ICC?
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On January 07 2008 08:02 Ghin wrote:
im really drunk and i didnt laugh at all =(
too drunk to laugh? i didnt know it was possible. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
yeah this blogs arent necessarily meant to be funny , they are just for entertainment purposes
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rofl
your most enjoyable blog post yet
cow for president!
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Belgium6766 Posts
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3 Lions
United States3705 Posts
haha
no mexicans will make it thru
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Too bad you're from Belgium? Otherwise i'd vote for you in a second.
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Belgium8305 Posts
On January 07 2008 07:41 Zelniq wrote:
your style of writing is very similar to Stephen Colbert's in his book "I Am America (And So Can You!) "
thanks, colbert is great
it's probably mainly because this is leftist political satire or whatever i should call it haha
On January 07 2008 08:40 Cascade wrote:
I have a few questions that I need answered by my president before voting for him:
1) What about global warming?
2) What changes will you enforce in patch 1.16?
3) Will there be any legal restrictions on MBS in future games?
4) What is you solution to the "I-have-the-right-to-my-gun VS no-guns-->no-kills" debate?
5) What is your rank at ICC?
1) take out the main polluters. obviously this doesn't include the US because who would rip the spine out of a body to cure the patient so we'll just have to turn the chinese and indian people into plants before this thing starts inconveniencing us
2) add "IRAQ" game mode where, when playing vs terran, the enemy troops are not allowed to damage your base beyond initial conflicts and are forced to sit and watch as they crumble under relentless infested terran assault (the protoss get an infested dt)
3) MBS will be allowed in the game, but anyone using it will have their family shot and killed. if they don't have a family, people they like will be shot and killed. if they don't like anybody, objects they are attached to will be sold to a very uncaring man. if they don't have any attachments to objects, they are probably buddhist monks and they are not to be fucked with
4) settle it the only fair way known to man, battle royale. pacifists are allowed to drop their weapons if they want
5) i don't play ICC but im really really totally gosu
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On January 07 2008 06:35 jtan wrote:
your immigration stance is awesome
i started giggling right from the beginning
can't vote yet but i definitely would vote for you
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i'm so voting for you <3
that maze would make a great tv show too, kill two birds with one stone!
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I don't mind having weed grown where I live.
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VOTE FOR COWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
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On January 07 2008 19:36 DeadVessel wrote:
I don't mind having weed grown where I live.
same...........we have plenty room here in Iowa;)
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why dont you use all your almighty knowledge and wits and use it to fix Belgium? :D
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i dont vote for cow 1 reason he would hire a hit man to kill me
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Id vote you than more than the other guys out there
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Belgium8305 Posts
thanks for the comments everyone, it's heartwarming to see that some people still have the guts to give me responsibilities
On January 07 2008 20:50 -WGT-Stars- wrote:
i dont vote for cow 1 reason he would hire a hit man to kill me
now you're just being selfish
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omfg somebody at least have an open mind on inmigration matters. ROFL i literally laughed rolling in the floor. i'd vote for you surely
5/5
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Poll: Next President of the United States
(Vote): Hillary Clinton
(Vote): Barrack Obama
(Vote): Steve
(Vote): Mitt Romney
(Vote): CoW
(Vote): John McCain
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EPT![[image loading]](http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/2285/olamexicoch0.png)
![[image loading]](http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/11/bombsfx1.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/8486/pylonsva2.png)
