EPT
I am here with you today to announce my candicacy as President of the United States. Seeing as how Ron Paul, a man who probably thinks of computers as just another type of portal for Mexicans to seep into our world, could get this much Internet endorsement, I figured the amount of support you would bestow on one of your own would be enough for me to become leader of the free world.
Now, I may not be a doctor, or a Southern Baptist minister, or a mayor, or a governor, or a senator, or someone who has any experience in politics whatsoever, but... Well, I forgot where I was going with this. Never mind.
The point is, I know what you want and I know how to git 'r' done. Just in case you're one of those weirdos who like rational arguments, I took the liberty of compiling a list with my stances on several important issues.
IMMIGRATION
My stance on immigration is a darwinist one. I propose that, rather than build a wall to keep our sombrero bearing friends on the right side of the border, we construct an intricate maze with various puzzles, traps and complicated riddles. This will ensure that only the very best and brightest make it through to contribute to our great nation.
![[image loading]](http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/2285/olamexicoch0.png)
Almost there, hermano!
HEALTH
I'm a huge fan of health and I think everyone should have health! I have consistently shown my support for health, except maybe that one time I accidentally drank two bottles of scotch and an ambulance came to pick me up, I yelled either "Fuck health!" or "Fuck help!", I have trouble remembering which one it was.
...Anyway, since pain is health's biggest enemy and painkillers are pain's biggest enemy, I propose we supply everyone with weed. As the old saying goes: "Smoke weed every day keeps the doctor away."
Of course, we would need a considerable amount of free space to build facilities in which to grow such vast quantities of weed. I propose we locate these facilities on the Bible Belt, because Fuck The South. The few individuals affected by this forced delocation are welcome to go live on the dark side of the moon.
WAR
I oppose the current war in Iraq because I oppose unfinished business. Don't get me wrong, I support our twenty-year-olds shooting potential terrorists (babies). I simply feel it's not right to start on your dessert when you haven't finished your potatoes yet. These potatoes may be moldy and vaguely reeking of wet dog by now, but by golly, I intend to eat every last one of them. You know these potatoes very well, for they are... Vietnam.
Yes, I am talking about The One That Got Away. We need to go back there and finish what we started to show the world that we can win a war of attrition against tiny men in trees.
Since we haven't actually been there in the last three or so decades, it's safe to assume Charlie has taken complete control. This means every inhabitant should be regarded as an enemy combatant and be treated as such, even when they might seem cheerful and come bearing gifts. They are a tricky people.
![[image loading]](http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/11/bombsfx1.jpg)
Happy children, or crafty bomb dolls? Do not hesitate.
ECONOMY
I'm not much of an economics man, but my advisors keep telling me that we require more vespene gas, need to build more overlords and don't have enough minerals. Therefore, I propose we get more. Free market, big government, common sense - these are just words to me. If we simply get more of everything we need, I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong.
I call this system More-onomics. People always start giggling when I say that, but I bet they're just jealous.
![[image loading]](http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/8486/pylonsva2.png)
Why is everyone always saying "more-onomics indeed"?
Well, that's about everything I think about everything. I very much hope I have been able to conquer your heart and mind (and I don't mean that in the way gangreen conquered my grandpa's heart and mind). I'll be running as an Independent because I'm no longer welcome in both the Republican and the Democratic Party, after I got confused and mixed up at whose banquet you're supposed to eat a live baby.
If all goes well, I'll be your next President!
The first thing I'll do when I'm elected is get rid of the whole voting thing, in order to protect the only good decision you people are likely to make in your entire lives.
See you in the Oval Office,
the #1 President
