I've been thinking about reasons a lot to do things. Even this blog post I thought for a long time why I would want to write it. Why do I want to do anything? The last year of high school couldn't be more manageable. I still feel bad though, like some part of me is unable to go on, weary from what I've gone through. I always happen to be sleepy. The last three weeks I slept for only four hours, and on the weekends I'd play starcraft 1 like there was no tomorrow. At a salon when my hair was getting cut the first time since 2 and a half months 3-4 white hairs were found.
I actually felt miserable playing StarCraft 1 during the summer because I felt like I was doing it for a lack of a better thing to do. Eventually it just got stale to me at some point because I felt every game was exactly the same. I was also going through an existential crisis, psychosis and other mental aches.
I also had to prepare for a math placement test which was voluntary, so I had that hovering over me as I fell more and more behind each week in my studying. That probably soured the whole fun of StarCraft and summer. I really wanted to succeed and prove to myself I wasn't a failure, which is a bad premise to start off with. In the end I didn't take it and it was no big deal. For some reason I had the idea people would really be focusing in on me, scrutinizing me when in reality no one really cares or minds. Also, I'd be overgeneralizing to say that I'm a failure because it's illogical to think that because I've failed a math test I'm a failure for life. There's also the fact that life by a large extent does go beyond high school. I could go on, but I digress.
I recently learned that humans are illogical beings, counter intuitive to how I like to think of myself so I've learned to trust myself less. Also, I give into cognitive distortions that no matter how much I verbalize and am aware of how false they are, my underlying motives are still chained by them. It's a hard habit to break. That's an example of idea #4 in Day9's podcast "Having a Good Mindset," "constantly be aware of your mental state," which I've been thinking about a lot.
I still don't really know what I want out of life. Growing up is pretty hard when you're not really passionate about anything society really likes. If you're good at the sciences it wouldn't be hard majoring in a profitable subject. All I really want to do is play StarCraft, but recently I've been thinking I have a computer addiction where the line across to hobby is blurred. Of course, it's hard to say with the computer and technology playing such a ubiquitous part of our lives but I've been analyzing myself during its use. I notice I have a hard time controlling myself, a frightening detachment from real life anxieties and responsibilities, and a dwarfed perception of time. My attention span is horrible. There's especially the challenge of closing that one final tab or needing to open up new tabs to simultaneously search things. i can never be playing just starcraft, I need music in the background. I can never be just watching a Youtube video, I need some dumb comment section on reddit open. I can never be watching just a twitch stream, I need to have at least 2-3 twitch streams open and browse a reddit comment thread I read four times already.
Speaking of reddit, reddit is one of the most obnoxious sites. I found out about it one day when an old acquaintance who I played Brood War with introduced it to me when chatting on steam. All I do is refresh that front page, hoping that there'll be new content since the last time I refreshed 2 minutes ago. The same thing happens with Teamliquid, but I only look at the Brood War section and it is really, really slow. I've probably had a good four years of being on that site and I am absolutely sick of it. It's the same recycled humor that makes you go "I get why that's funny," but doesn't actually make you laugh, the same god awful puns, the same obnoxious comments, the uppity uppity humor people have with being right or saying stuff like "I'm an expert at this" or oh nice name "insert username" to make their previous statement funny and it's no good. The place is just awful. I find it most best when I spend only ten minutes browsing stuff, specifically on sc reddit, but anymore and it's just a miserable experience and something I do out of boredom.
Now after a while of experiencing this I thought to myself why not just do something else? I realized I must be refreshing TL, refreshing reddit, going through twitch streams, and playing Brood War for a disgusting amount of time without me realizing it. I realized I really have a very small amount of things in my life and a not so active life in the outdoors. It's all pretty boring. Sometimes it just takes a while to realize these things.
I did do some streaming though which I guess is the most active and "outdoorsy" activity I've done so far. I'm proud to say I've gotten quite the following of about a dozen people, but then again it's just people who I know really well, at least on Brood War, which is kind of lame, but I still appreciate you all. It's like starting a school club that only your friends are in. Sometimes I think they're watching out of charity or something, but that's probably my cognitive distortions talking.
The next thing I want to talk about I'll be a bit vague because I'm kind of embarrassed about it. There's always that guy in the stories that is the crazy one, the no do gooder, but damn, I somehow ended up being that guy not once, but twice, and I also have had some of those people in my own life affect me. It's a strange feeling being on both sides. At the time I kind of was self aware that I was having a mirror reflected on me. All I can say is that you can't always help "that guy," and everyone goes their separate ways in life. That's kind of sad I feel like. The person who was broken off with because they were mentally unstable or off in some way ends up having to tread their own path.I guess it was a case of when because that relationship was going nowhere. People go their own separate paths in life as they drift apart. The person couldn't be repaired by anyone but themselves and sometimes people have to leave others broken as they are on a low note. That's just life.
I was also thinking about StarCraft. I like to think if I'm no good at StarCraft I won't be any good at life or any smart. That's really not true though. I remember during the first lecture of the UC Berkley class there were plenty of university students there that raised their hands up when the instructor, Nemu, asked if anyone could beat a computer...on a good day. Ha, and there were plenty of others that were good too. I can't seem to get my mind off the game though. I feel like I need a real drastic life change, some sort of shock. I just uninstalled starcraft for the nineteenth time, but I still have an online account where I have a digital version of sc. Damn it.