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United States1433 Posts
I feel as though I've lived through so much already that I can now reflect on. I've felt grief, sorrow, joy, happiness, disappointment, eagerness, madness, and calmness all in the past few months. I've never been given a better opportunity to try what I've wanted and be the person I've always thought I could become. But when that moment came I ended up passing the opportunity by, realizing a part of myself was missing or that my motivations were flawed, my aspirations and hopes not all as fulfilling as I wished.
I've been thinking about reasons a lot to do things. Even this blog post I thought for a long time why I would want to write it. Why do I want to do anything? The last year of high school couldn't be more manageable. I still feel bad though, like some part of me is unable to go on, weary from what I've gone through. I always happen to be sleepy. The last three weeks I slept for only four hours, and on the weekends I'd play starcraft 1 like there was no tomorrow. At a salon when my hair was getting cut the first time since 2 and a half months 3-4 white hairs were found.
I actually felt miserable playing StarCraft 1 during the summer because I felt like I was doing it for a lack of a better thing to do. Eventually it just got stale to me at some point because I felt every game was exactly the same. I was also going through an existential crisis, psychosis and other mental aches.
I also had to prepare for a math placement test which was voluntary, so I had that hovering over me as I fell more and more behind each week in my studying. That probably soured the whole fun of StarCraft and summer. I really wanted to succeed and prove to myself I wasn't a failure, which is a bad premise to start off with. In the end I didn't take it and it was no big deal. For some reason I had the idea people would really be focusing in on me, scrutinizing me when in reality no one really cares or minds. Also, I'd be overgeneralizing to say that I'm a failure because it's illogical to think that because I've failed a math test I'm a failure for life. There's also the fact that life by a large extent does go beyond high school. I could go on, but I digress.
I recently learned that humans are illogical beings, counter intuitive to how I like to think of myself so I've learned to trust myself less. Also, I give into cognitive distortions that no matter how much I verbalize and am aware of how false they are, my underlying motives are still chained by them. It's a hard habit to break. That's an example of idea #4 in Day9's podcast "Having a Good Mindset," "constantly be aware of your mental state," which I've been thinking about a lot.
I still don't really know what I want out of life. Growing up is pretty hard when you're not really passionate about anything society really likes. If you're good at the sciences it wouldn't be hard majoring in a profitable subject. All I really want to do is play StarCraft, but recently I've been thinking I have a computer addiction where the line across to hobby is blurred. Of course, it's hard to say with the computer and technology playing such a ubiquitous part of our lives but I've been analyzing myself during its use. I notice I have a hard time controlling myself, a frightening detachment from real life anxieties and responsibilities, and a dwarfed perception of time. My attention span is horrible. There's especially the challenge of closing that one final tab or needing to open up new tabs to simultaneously search things. i can never be playing just starcraft, I need music in the background. I can never be just watching a Youtube video, I need some dumb comment section on reddit open. I can never be watching just a twitch stream, I need to have at least 2-3 twitch streams open and browse a reddit comment thread I read four times already.
Speaking of reddit, reddit is one of the most obnoxious sites. I found out about it one day when an old acquaintance who I played Brood War with introduced it to me when chatting on steam. All I do is refresh that front page, hoping that there'll be new content since the last time I refreshed 2 minutes ago. The same thing happens with Teamliquid, but I only look at the Brood War section and it is really, really slow. I've probably had a good four years of being on that site and I am absolutely sick of it. It's the same recycled humor that makes you go "I get why that's funny," but doesn't actually make you laugh, the same god awful puns, the same obnoxious comments, the uppity uppity humor people have with being right or saying stuff like "I'm an expert at this" or oh nice name "insert username" to make their previous statement funny and it's no good. The place is just awful. I find it most best when I spend only ten minutes browsing stuff, specifically on sc reddit, but anymore and it's just a miserable experience and something I do out of boredom.
Now after a while of experiencing this I thought to myself why not just do something else? I realized I must be refreshing TL, refreshing reddit, going through twitch streams, and playing Brood War for a disgusting amount of time without me realizing it. I realized I really have a very small amount of things in my life and a not so active life in the outdoors. It's all pretty boring. Sometimes it just takes a while to realize these things.
I did do some streaming though which I guess is the most active and "outdoorsy" activity I've done so far. I'm proud to say I've gotten quite the following of about a dozen people, but then again it's just people who I know really well, at least on Brood War, which is kind of lame, but I still appreciate you all. It's like starting a school club that only your friends are in. Sometimes I think they're watching out of charity or something, but that's probably my cognitive distortions talking.
The next thing I want to talk about I'll be a bit vague because I'm kind of embarrassed about it. There's always that guy in the stories that is the crazy one, the no do gooder, but damn, I somehow ended up being that guy not once, but twice, and I also have had some of those people in my own life affect me. It's a strange feeling being on both sides. At the time I kind of was self aware that I was having a mirror reflected on me. All I can say is that you can't always help "that guy," and everyone goes their separate ways in life. That's kind of sad I feel like. The person who was broken off with because they were mentally unstable or off in some way ends up having to tread their own path.I guess it was a case of when because that relationship was going nowhere. People go their own separate paths in life as they drift apart. The person couldn't be repaired by anyone but themselves and sometimes people have to leave others broken as they are on a low note. That's just life.
I was also thinking about StarCraft. I like to think if I'm no good at StarCraft I won't be any good at life or any smart. That's really not true though. I remember during the first lecture of the UC Berkley class there were plenty of university students there that raised their hands up when the instructor, Nemu, asked if anyone could beat a computer...on a good day. Ha, and there were plenty of others that were good too. I can't seem to get my mind off the game though. I feel like I need a real drastic life change, some sort of shock. I just uninstalled starcraft for the nineteenth time, but I still have an online account where I have a digital version of sc. Damn it.
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The virtual world is pretty brutal. People's minds are there but their bodies are not. Sometimes I think that the body is an interface for the mind that is pretty underused. I think you could study endlessly without improving your mind extremely. On the other hand physical activity is pretty good for the mind if focused.
As far as the absolute worst mind-body interface, videogames are at least potentially pretty close. In real life if you're worried about something and you're not in a psychotic state, the tolerance level is pretty low. So for instance if you're having some psychic difficulty in real life the problem will reflect in your body language and speech pretty accurately. Thus at least in sober conversation you'll typically elicit something from other people. In short the collective interaction will almost always help you.
Videogames are the opposite. There is really no input regarding what you're thinking, and so you mostly read outputs. If you're depressed, anxious, angry, frightened, or what have you, then the videogame environment will almost always exacerbate that state. In a way online gaming is a sort of collective psychosis, even if your opponents or allies are sympathetic to your problems. And of course not everyone is 100% sympathetic all the time.
Actually I am a meditator, and I think meditation is almost always good. Meditation more than yoga or karate or other physical activities is essentially a physical-only activity. Personally I think that's why it works so incredibly well. You never really see a house cat feel sorry for itself (as this humorous video depicts). Humans are apparently pretty joyous creatures in the wild... Anyway the practice of meditation is excellent because it isolates the human animal, the body and the mind rather than the brain and its thoughts. I don't know that all the associated dogma and conversation is 100% accessible, but meditation itself works quite well. In my experience if you really are feeling out of luck, meditation is the place to turn. It takes some effort to get started and may feel more like training for a race so most people are inclined not to really get to the plateau where the thing works effortlessly.
Anyway this is just my two-cents on why physical activities seem cathartic (outside the competitive setting). And endorsing getting away from troublesome thoughts which rarely present elegant solutions to what might be "simple" problems.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=i never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself&view=detail&mid=5EDCB707693DB8013FFC5EDCB707693DB8013FFC&FORM=VIRE
Meditation does take some effort to get into.
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I've slowly begun losing my passion for gaming as well. I spend plenty of time with my family, work, kids, wife but when I do have moments to myself, I boot up the computer out of habit and just... sit. Nothing is fun, it's all the same over and over and over. I've been trying to get into more RPG games and just lose myself in the GAME and not the min/max aspect of it.
Elder Scrolls has been a blast finally when I just don't care about stats and just focus on the gameplay/lore. I'm looking forward to Tyranny as well.
Goodbye Competitive PsyReaver.
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Hey Ty2,
I read your post and I've gathered some thoughts you might want to consider. It's a bit of a read, but I hope it helps.
Finishing high school is a big step and I can guarantee that while things tend to get harder (socially, financially) from there on out, it's also a very liberating experience. I felt my life was completely drained by the time I finished high school, so I feel it's only natural for you to feel weary and sleepy when you're in that last stretch.
I can also allay your fears about white hairs, a classmate of mine in high school already had a bunch, but he's still got the same number and not more as then. Likewise I once discovered one when I was 21 and was worried, it hasn't reappeared though.
You're definitely right that it's tough to continue when you're not passionate about anything society at large places value on.
Your first step out of this is saying fuck society and finding out what you're passionate about. Once you've established that you can work on finding out how you can make it compatible with whatever connection you personally need to society at large.
SC addiction is real and I assume the majority of people who frequent the BW forums experienced it at one point or another in their life.
What you need to realize is what impacts it makes and how to enjoy it without having to feel guilty about it.
So do this by changing it from an addiction to a hobby, meaning you need to give more priority to aspects of your life that will determine your personal growth and societal value.
Do things! Get a job. Having a job will put money in your pocket, remove some of your guilt, and no matter what job it always teaches you something. A good job will teach you what you like, a mediocre one might teach you some skills and people interaction, a bad job will remind you why you need to study hard to not get stuck in this kind of crap.
Job not an option? Do an internship or apprenticeship or some other kind of experience that exposes you to something you haven't done. Volunteer, if nothing else is available for you in person. Complete a course on Coursera, see how you like something new there! How are you supposed to find out what you like if you never try things?
Exercise! Preferably do a sport you enjoy, if you don't like any sports, then work out. If you don't want to go to a gym / can't afford it, then do home work outs (see a book called You Are Your Own Gym for example). Spend at least 30 minutes a day exercising intensely, you'll feel better about yourself physically and mentally and it will help balance out your sedentary lifestyle from playing BW.
Travel! Another reason to get a job is being able to afford to travel. Traveling will expose you to more people, cultures and opportunities. You love starcraft, so why not save the money so you can travel to South Korea, the home of the legends and a place completely foreign to yourself!
Don't worry about being the no do gooder, sometimes you have to drift away from people and get truly and utterly lost in order to find yourself.
Not sure where to start? Listen to this https://play.spotify.com/track/6rCSEjlmCXSOhpBY3JQIiK (Dub FX - So Are You)
Then do one of things mentioned above.
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The attention span thing.
I had it too lately I can't explain it.
Long and short term.
Long term, I spent 2 months on reddit/watching shows, then 1 week on one website, 1 week writing, 2 weeks poetry and now nothing again.
Short term, I have all the tabs open as well, I find myseld pausing song and video, even 3 minutes one, it's insane.
Don't know if you care, you're not alone, sometimes it helps me realizing that, hope it can helps you too, just a little.
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Hello, Ty2.
I don't know why you keep saying you don't know what to do with your life when you keep saying that all you want to do is play BW. If you're so passionate about this game, why not become a progamer and stream on Afreeca for money? You've invested quite a bit of time already to become good at this game, so it would be kind of a waste to throw it away and start trying to learn math and the sciences, especially when you feel miserable doing this. If you don't have a wife and kids to support, then you don't need to spend years of your life studying for something you don't care about to earn money you don't really need. Do what makes you happy and don't worry about living up to society's ridiculously high expectations. If you have double-digit viewership from only streaming a few times, then that's a great start. Keep at it.
Shalashaska_123
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EPT
