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"Bye bye...I love you...", her hands slipped out of mine as she got into a taxi, smiled at me and left.
I'm not crushed, or broken, or depressed, maybe not yet, just plain ol' sad. Regret.
Today. Today she was supposed to come over to my place and take all her stuff, and leave. We had a fight in the morning, where she was ignoring me and playing games with me over text, sending me one worded cryptic answers on purpose to prove a point, that I got angry easily over nothing; I did get angry, because I knew she was playing games with me. We were supposed to meet on Sunday to have a grand farewell, but in my anger I told her to just come over today and fucking get done with it. She complied.
She bought us some La Mian with Xiao Long Bao's and we had a somber dinner on my bed. She loved to eat on my bed, much to my disdain. I think about the first time I met her, and I am overwhelmed with emotion. We laughed, we grew, we cried, we loved. I think about the first time I met her, up to date the biggest, most life changing decision that I have ever made.
She was uncomfortable with staying overnight at our friends birthday party, which is where we met, and she wanted to leave, for there was a strange girl making her uncomfortable with her sexual advances. I told her to lie to the rest that she was going to bring me to the toilet, to isolate her, and then I told her, this party sucks, let's get out of her.
We went to the beach, we talked about how we had fucked up, abusive parents. We looked each other in the eyes. We made love. I decided then and there that this, slightly crazy, happy go lucky, tiny girl was mine. We were together for 2 years. Oh how we have changed so much. I used to wear Polo shirts, baggy jeans and white leather shoes when going out; now I put in more effort in my clothes when going out. I used to hate women with a vengeance, and she showed me feelings that I never knew I needed. We were both broken souls, damaged goods, with things that we were trying so hard to escape from, and we found a little, warm and cozy place to hide, within each other. I can remember our dates, I remember all of them, I remember her forcing me to go back to the beach to watch some laser, water show thingy; I swore never to go back to the beach after getting insane sand fly bites from our first meeting. I remember showing her Facebook profile to my friends, I remember the reactions on their faces, for usually I was attracted to trashy girls, and this girl seemed really decent.
I have grown more in the past 2 years with her, than I ever had the first 18 years of my life before I met her. She was a part of me, a part of my life. There was absolutely no part of my life in the past 2 years she was not involved it. It hurts so much to think of the past, because she was there every step. She was there when I started watching Starcraft 2 and it grew into my passion. I remember how she's complain and roll her eyes whenever I ranted to her about Idra throwing some game, or Huk become one of the best Protoss in the world. She painted my room and put up pictures of Lim Yo Hwan, MMA, Naniwa (Because she couldn't get a good picture of Huk) and Idra, and she installed a shelf on top of my bed and put our pictures there, for my Christmas present.
She was there when I moved through my little phases, over tailored clothes, watches and weightlifting. I experienced so many things I have never done before, with this girl, she showed me what life had to offer. I don't know what i was doing before, but after I met her I never felt more alive. Before her, for the past 18 years of my life, I never had a shoulder to cry on not a person to tell my deepest, darkest secrets. I remember the very moment after meeting her, after our first encounter, for the first time, I felt that I was not alone.
This sweet little thing that crawled into my life, defined me, made me into who I am today, and I guess I am grateful for that.
We didn't do much when she came over. We ate dinner, and we hugged each other. There was nothing much to say. Much has already been said, perhaps too much, things that weren't meant to be said and shouldn't. I packed all of our pictures, her love letters to me, her cards, into a bag, and put it aside for her. Too much pain and regret for me to be able to keep these things around, I want her me take care of it for now. She gave me back my birthday card and said it was for me. Before I met this girl, every single birthday, for as long as I can remember, sucked. She made me feel special during my birthdays. I will never forget that. On one of our dates, she baked me some cup cakes, and put love letters in them wrapped in aluminium foil. One time when she went over to my place, she hid tiny pieces of paper with sweet love messages all over my house for me to find.
How do you let go of someone like that. Someone who gave you everything you ever wanted. How do you forget someone like that. I survived the last 18 years without her, but I was not alive and I don't ever want to go back to who I was before. Where can I find someone like that, who loved me so intensely and made me her everything.
Every time I go out partying and drinking at night clubs, I hold on to this hope secretly, that I may find someone just like her. A little crazy, a little damaged, naive, but laden with love. I remember one time after getting into an argument with her, she told me this, "Darling calm down, stick with me and I promise you that you will find an oil that will last you a life time."
So much emotion, so many things that could have been, so many things that should have been, so much pain as I reflect on these precious two years of my life. I'd give anything to go back and relive them again. Maybe if I had done something better, if I had treated her better, if I hadn't taken so long to realise that what I wanted was staring right at me in my face, maybe we could still be together.
For the past 18 years, waking up everyday was a chore, sleep was the only event in my day that I looked forward to. I never showed it, but she made every day brighter. Every day she restored in me the hope that I once clung on to so dearly but lost. I was cynical, angry, confused, but she stayed on, never losing faith in me, no matter how much I hurt her or failed her.
I want to be angry at her, I want to call her a slut, I want revenge, but I can't. Because I know, because I need to believe, that she really did love me then. Perhaps she still does. Time will tell.
We made out one last time, and she took the things from my apartment and left. She pulled out the photos of us from the frame that she put on my shelf; I wanted her to keep them, but she couldn't bring the whole frame back. One of the photos from the frame was torn into half, but pieced back together, many months ago.
She told me the truth, that she got into a fight with the new guy, because he found out that she was still going out with me, and she needed to make some space for him in her life, and some space for herself to clear her mind too. She revealed to me that they got together officially 11 days ago. Maybe that's why for a brief moment I saw a tear leave her eyes after we had sex, but she never told me why.
I walked her down to the guard house and told her to stop. I held her hands, so soft and flawless, firmly.
"Please don't go, I need you."
She looked at me silently and looked away.
"Sorry I need to go."
I gave her a hug, one last time, and I walked her out to the road. We were able to flag a taxi pretty quickly. In our final moments, we kissed each other, one last time.
"Bye bye...I love you...", her hands slipped out of mine as she got into a taxi, smiled at me and left.
One of my happiest moments with her, when we played dress up for Men's Fashion week.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/4amNbiX.jpg)
The End?
Full series of blogs on me and the girl in order
Good bye my lover, good bye my friend
The Royal Boy Toy
Valentines Meanderings
Late Night Revelations
I choose to be here
Fucking Horse Dentist
Relationship sort of girl
 
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Take out the ? and move on.
All my friends who married their highschool "sweethearts" are divorced, and half the ones married right after graduation are paying alimony.
She doesn't have good birthing frame or nursing potential so pass on that one! :-)
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51490 Posts
Many feels were felt reading this girl blog!
I suggest you move and keep looking for that special one for you! She sounds like she got bored with you if im perfectly honest though, so i suggest you man up and get back out there captain!
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It's funny how emotions are directly linked with writing.
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damn man well keep your head up and good luck 
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why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat
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On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat
Ouch ><
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Clingy guy makes female the center of his universe, gets dumped. She is probably riding a "bad boy" as we speak.
Lessons will be learned, in a decade you will read this post and laugh at yourself till you pee.
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On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat
QuanticHawk Is my favorite girl blog responder. Him and optical, but optical has been a little slow sometimes.
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On March 19 2013 05:01 Kickboxer wrote:
Clingy guy makes female the center of his universe, gets dumped. She is probably riding a "bad boy" as we speak.
Lessons will be learned, in a decade you will read this post and laugh at yourself till you pee.
Sorry, no... She's not riding a big, boy, and I didn't get dumped for 'making her the center of my universe'.
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On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat
Agreed. With this post it explains so much about why you two are so damaged. Get psychological help man and fix your core issues.
Clinging to someone to fill a void in your own heart will only lead to desperation, despair and desolation. (I just wanted the alliteration =p)
I feel a little sorry for the horse dentist... Then again maybe not.
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On March 19 2013 13:56 FractalsOnFire wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat Agreed. With this post it explains so much about why you two are so damaged. Get psychological help man and fix your core issues. Clinging to someone to fill a void in your own heart will only lead to desperation, despair and desolation. (I just wanted the alliteration =p) I feel a little sorry for the horse dentist... Then again maybe not.
Yeah I am going to get some help, appointments on Thursday. My future blogs won't be train wreck ones anymore, but at least I hope you guys enjoyed reading it
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On March 19 2013 14:01 lisward wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2013 13:56 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat Agreed. With this post it explains so much about why you two are so damaged. Get psychological help man and fix your core issues. Clinging to someone to fill a void in your own heart will only lead to desperation, despair and desolation. (I just wanted the alliteration =p) I feel a little sorry for the horse dentist... Then again maybe not. Yeah I am going to get some help, appointments on Thursday. My future blogs won't be train wreck ones anymore, but at least I hope you guys enjoyed reading it
Did I enjoy them? In some sort of sick way, yes.
Oh what happened to that older blonde woman you were fucking?
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On March 19 2013 14:21 FractalsOnFire wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2013 14:01 lisward wrote:On March 19 2013 13:56 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat Agreed. With this post it explains so much about why you two are so damaged. Get psychological help man and fix your core issues. Clinging to someone to fill a void in your own heart will only lead to desperation, despair and desolation. (I just wanted the alliteration =p) I feel a little sorry for the horse dentist... Then again maybe not. Yeah I am going to get some help, appointments on Thursday. My future blogs won't be train wreck ones anymore, but at least I hope you guys enjoyed reading it Did I enjoy them? In some sort of sick way, yes. Oh what happened to that older blonde woman you were fucking?
Whoa whoa whoa what am I missing out on?
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On March 19 2013 14:21 FractalsOnFire wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2013 14:01 lisward wrote:On March 19 2013 13:56 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat Agreed. With this post it explains so much about why you two are so damaged. Get psychological help man and fix your core issues. Clinging to someone to fill a void in your own heart will only lead to desperation, despair and desolation. (I just wanted the alliteration =p) I feel a little sorry for the horse dentist... Then again maybe not. Yeah I am going to get some help, appointments on Thursday. My future blogs won't be train wreck ones anymore, but at least I hope you guys enjoyed reading it Did I enjoy them? In some sort of sick way, yes. Oh what happened to that older blonde woman you were fucking?
Rarely talk to her, she's not really happy about the whole situation with me and my ex, but I was honest to her about it on day one.
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On March 19 2013 14:24 EtherealDeath wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2013 14:21 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 19 2013 14:01 lisward wrote:On March 19 2013 13:56 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat Agreed. With this post it explains so much about why you two are so damaged. Get psychological help man and fix your core issues. Clinging to someone to fill a void in your own heart will only lead to desperation, despair and desolation. (I just wanted the alliteration =p) I feel a little sorry for the horse dentist... Then again maybe not. Yeah I am going to get some help, appointments on Thursday. My future blogs won't be train wreck ones anymore, but at least I hope you guys enjoyed reading it Did I enjoy them? In some sort of sick way, yes. Oh what happened to that older blonde woman you were fucking? Whoa whoa whoa what am I missing out on?
http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=397427
Should probably read the whole series. I think every blog from the original break up blog deals with the girl in the OP.
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The only thing that I got from your blogs is that horse dentists probably make a lot of money.
Twenty isn't much of an age. So you have time to mature. Use it because you don't seem to know which girl you want AND is the right one for you.
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On March 19 2013 03:33 QuanticHawk wrote:
why all these words about a dumb immature whore who is using you
stop wasting time thinking and writing about her and go into therapy. of the countless girlblogs on here, you are hands down the biggest doormat
Quantic, you make this site so much better by your mere existence.
Honestly OP I'm gonna have to agree with Quantic. Man up. Stop being such a doormat. I was there when I was younger; I was self-conscious, very nerdy, socially awkward, and quite clingy (for a guy at least) when I was in relationships. It was just a mess overall. Couple years into college and I stopped that shit, gained some confidence, stopped being shy and socially awkward, and my last few relationships have all been awesome (including my current one). Fact is you just gotta man up, because all this stuff does is get you into incredibly convoluted and messed-up situations like this.
Oh, and I swear to God, the next time I see someone between the ages of 16-25 talk about how "their important years are done and they've lost the best of their life and how everything is over" I'm going to reach through the interwebtubez and smack them across the face. You're twenty for God's sake; you have a good 75% of your life left to live.
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On March 19 2013 16:47 shirtman wrote:
The only thing that I got from your blogs is that horse dentists probably make a lot of money.
Twenty isn't much of an age. So you have time to mature. Use it because you don't seem to know which girl you want AND is the right one for you.
I know a write a lot of bad stuff about this girl, and it all seems bad, and it really is bad, but the reason why I kinda couldn't let go of this girl is cuz of the girl that i used to be in a relationship with I guess.
I wrote a lot of stuff about what happened post break-up, but I guess I never wrote much about what happened while I was with the girl. She was almost like a completely different person I guess. When I first met her she was a really nice girl, kinda crazy, who had a really screwed up life, kinda like mine, really abusive parents, fucked up relationships in the past, and I decided that I'd stay with her to make her happy. I never really loved the girl, and to be honest a lot of the shit that she did pissed me off. Like her doing stupid things like trying to bake a cake in a microwave oven.
I was really confused and pissed off about females in general, I thought they were all the same and just for sex, but at the same time I knew that, that girl was really special, and I kept telling myself one day I'd grow up and treat her better. That girl, at least the one which I was in a relationship with, was one a million. She wasn't the prettiest, nor, the smartest girl, but she was the sweetest. She'd pick me up from school everyday, take a 1 and a half hour journey to and fro from my home almost every other day, and she'd do really cute sweet things like write me love letters, and plan really nice dates for us, because I didn't really care and if I was unhappy with her I told her I'd just leave her. I was really really, bad at relationships, and I guess she kinda put everything into her relationship with me, there are just too many things to say that she did for me, and I kinda fucked it up and made her disillusioned about relationships and all.
Anyway things got bad in our relationship because she was kinda getting sick of life, her parents were treating her worse because she fucked up her A levels, and they cut off any monetary support they were giving her, and she had to take two jobs to support her lifestyle and pay for her uni, plus she had a pissed off boyfriend who hated his internship at a government grassroots organisation.
There's just too much to write about this, but anyway, the reason why she chose the 'other dude' isn't because i'm some 'clingy nerdy guy' while he's some 'badass with tats'. I want to say that it's because that guy is rich and I'm not, but that's a lie. The guy is crazy about her, the guy treats her like a queen, the guy has pampered her upon meeting her since day one. I'd like to call him a tool, but that's all she ever wanted in a guy. And I never treated her that way, even though I should have. I remember she once said I never made her feel safe, and I guess I know why, because I used to threaten to dump her when I was pissed off. I can pretend that I loved her with all my heart when I was with her, but the truth is, when I first was with her, I just wanted not to feel lonely and I saw her as a stepping stone, the moment I found someone hotter, I was going to leave her. One thing that really regret, is the fact that I know, if I had treated her the way she deserved to be treated, she would have never left.
She's more than just an ex-girlfriend to me, I kinda stayed on also because I could tell she was really sad and I wish I could make her happy again, while I was a shitty boyfriend I guess our love used to make her happy. Over the two years with her I kinda got to know everything about her, there were points in time where we'd hang out every day, all day, I know when she lies, I can tell exactly how she feels. I know that she's not happy with her life, although she may say she is, and I know that deep down in her heart she still loves me, while her head tells her to be with this other guy who's probably really better than me in a lot of ways.
Anyway the point of this blog was to write some last thoughts about the 2 and a half years of my time with this girl, I really did cut off contact with her and make her take our stuff back to her place, so you guys don't need to call me a doormat anymore. I came to a realization that I was in love with my projection of her, what she used to be when we were still in love I guess, and that she's no longer the same girl and I don't want any part of this new bullshit lifestyle that she's engaging in, that's why I decided that we should stop seeing each other. My goal is to just try to move on with my life right now and try to recover from all this bullshit I guess, and if she really does love me she'd come back anyway.
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On March 22 2013 03:40 lisward wrote:
and if she really does love me she'd come back anyway.
Thats the kinda thinking that won't help you get over her.
Edit: holy shitcakes, after quantic's harsh comment I decided to read some of your other blogs to see what the fuss was all about and sweet baby jesus that is one fucked up bitch you got yourself there haha. I mean I'm almost like impressed how this girl just mindfucks and manipulates everything that has a dick around her.. And the cheating man, I mean if she works this fast she must've cheated on you what, like a 100 times? Seriously, get as far away from her as you can and burn all the bridges, people like this are pure destruction, they will suck everyone that allows them into their misery and drags them down with them. Run dude. Fucking run.
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EPT
