EPTWhy in the world would I be telling you what your father and mother taught you from your own precious poopybutted childhood? The answer is quite simple rather, there is a correct way, and there is an incorrect way of doing this.
Unfortunately for me, I discovered that I was performing this 1-2 a day task (hey, I'm lactose intolerant, fuck off), WRONNNGGGG for nearly 16 years of my life. That's right ladies, gentlemen, and dog, I discovered in high school, from my girlfriend of 2 years, how to wipe my own buttocks.
First off, you're probably thinking troll? Srs? Let's just set the tone right here, jokes aside, this is a srs blog. Hygiene is very important! Itchy bum is not fun! Nor is finding out from your gf that you've been doing it wrong for so long. You can imagine the embarrassment I went through.
So how in the fuck did my gf of all people discover that I was wiping my bum bum wrong?? This one, is NOT my fault at all! She peeping TOMMED MEE! What the fuck. How did this Mormon, church going, cute little blondie, go to peeping tom, poop watching vixen? Well... sex was part of it, and I guess that was kiiinda my fault, but that's another story. ANYWAYS, the chick totally peeping tommed me through the crack or my bathroom door, with the eye from LOTR watching Frodo. My parents house had this, closet kind of door for the bathroom. + Show Spoiler +
![[image loading]](http://www.gleam-canaries.com/sale/sell-door-bifold.jpg)
So after my poo poo, I wipe. I wash my hands. I leave. Somewhere in between I flushed the toilet. I come out, and to my surprise my 5'3 gf had this little smirk on her face, standing in front of the door. Immediately I thought, oh god, the noise, the horrendous, cave echoing, tribal chant to the porcelain God known to man as a toilet fart. She heard it, and in a result, we will never have intercourse, ever again. But alas, it was much worse.
"what" I said, with a plain melancholy tone.
"why do you wipe your butt that way" replied my sweet little angel.
Instant shock came over me. I - did - not - expect - that - answer.
"wat"...
"you stand up to wipe your bum, that's weird."
My world came crashing in. Have I truly been wiping 'wrong'? Was there a 'wrong' way? What entails correctness when it comes to poop and TP??
Before I continue, I have to say one thing, before this happened, I actually had an encounter with her father about my pooping before this moment. Which now has got me thinking, is this family a bunch of crapophiles or is it just pure coincidence... I am pretty sure this was coincidence, but anyway, judge for yourself.
Her dad is a notorious packrat. This is one thing I had to accept early on, the grossness of her father's habit. The habit got so bad that his wife had to sleep on the couch in the living room, because he had no where left to put his junk, so he started stacking it on the bed! OFC, her side of the bed, watta dick. Anyway... Because of this annoying and disgusting habit, her house was like a maze. There were only certain areas you could walk, because the rest of the house was full of newspapers, computers, tvs, general garbage, etc etc. Basically, you had one path from the main door to the bathroom. The bathroom was the only one in the house, but was also an en-suite to the master bedroom. Alas, because there was so much SHIT everywhere, the master bedroom door was blocked off, and to get to the bedroom you must enter via the bathroom. Can you already see what is about to happen to poor little ol' me?
As I was returning home from school, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. "Babe, when we get off this bus, I'm going to the washroom, and I don't want you to enter for another 35-45 minutes from then on." Ahh, off the crammed bus, and the race is on. Clenched butt cheeks holding up what felt like Thor's hammer. Oh dear Allah, why must the bus stop be so far from the toilet? Why have you forsaken me so. "Babe, run ahead and get that door unlocked."
"srs x.x?"
"Do I look fucking serious??!" was my response as my main vein in my forehead was about to burst and both my hands were locked tighter than a nun over my man cave.
Off she went. What an ass... Oh god don't think of asses, just, make it there..
Huh, weird. She didn't have to unlock the front door, it's always locked.. that's suspicious. NO TIME TO THINK MUST POOP. And what a dire mistake that was. As I rushed into the bathroom, pants at my ankles, a black hole of gravity pulling downwards from my stinker, I juuuuust managed to hover shit over the bowl, with an impressive 9/10 shit dive that the Chinese would have even applauded.
Ahhhhhh. Goodbye icecream and cheese sandwhich. OK. The stink.. I don't even think the fires from hell could extinguish this. Honestly I would be caught in limbo because Satan wouldn't accept me, nor would God with the stench of a thousand dead expelling from my 15 year old body. The only cure? Father time itself. Meh, it is what it is, nothing I can do. I did warn her not to come in for 35-45 minutes afterwards. Alright, time to clean this katrina disaster up.
Pants to the ankles, cock swinging, standing full on Homo Erectus, I ball up enough TP to create a forest, and give her a good swipe. Now, men, (maybe women), we all look. Give me a break. Don't deny that, quite literally, shit. But at this very moment, poop in hand, dick and balls trying to survive the stank, out walks the father from the bedroom.
Mexican stare down commence. Mouth open, time stood still. Even Einstein rolled in his grave wondering how time itself could just STOP.
"I'm sorry!!" as he gasps a mouth full of eldritch stench. And quickly proceeds to bolt out of the bathroom, leaving his bedroom door (the non-blocked en-suite door) open. Now apparently to 'father' leaving the door open, exposing his already quite obvious pack-ratting habit to his daughter's boyfriend is like telling the public you like to touch children. Because that man, with such audacity, managed to Dr.Zoiberg crab walk, backwards BACK INTO THE BATHROOM to close his door, all while I am still in such shock, still standing there because everything but my flaccid penis was frozen solid. This is basically what happened in my head + Show Spoiler +
After that moment, it was like waking up after a bottle of tequila and your butt hurting.. All you can say to yourself is, what... the... fuck... just... happened... I better just leave and never think/mention of this, obviously what will be hours of therapy combo-ed by a mid life crisis, moment again. But no. Nooo. I still have to finish, leave this bathroom, and face the man. Even worse, face my gf. And let her know that I think your dad just did a double-take at my shit holding, ball hanging moronic entity.
So back to my gf peeping tomming me. Back to the second embarrassing moment with this odd family. Apparently, probably quite known to the vast majority of you good TLers, the correct way to wipe your bottom is to squat. You don't need to open your one buttcheek, you can get in there all deep like, and you can avoid horribly embarrassing situations like the two that happened to me. Side-note, wipe away from your testicles, vagina.. What I think is obvious, but hey, look how I used to shit, right?
After that conversation with my gf, I felt stupid. But, educated. I started debating if I did a lot of things wrong. Like if I jacked off weird? Or other private things like that. Nope, just wrong at wiping my own butthole.
Now I kept all this a secret for some time.I'm 24 years old now, and after some intense math, I have been keeping this secret for about 8 years. The only reason why I am broadcasting my shame for you fine TLers today is because just recently, a very good friend of mine were chatting. Eventually, and don't ask me how, we ended up on talking about wiping our butts, and how we did it wrong for the longest time. And how HIS gf also told him how to do it correctly!! Praise Jesus, I was not alone.
All in all, I hope we all know how to wipe our rosy little bums now. As this was the goal of my blog. Or maybe it was some martyr blog so you all can feel better about yourselves. Either way, I hope you enjoyed. Happy wiping everyone!!
