Ahh, yes. Blogs. Sometimes useful, sometimes dumb, sometimes funny, sometimes endearing, but today, it's quite serious. Yes today, I've decided to teach you fellow TLers, just how to wipe your butt.
Why in the world would I be telling you what your father and mother taught you from your own precious poopybutted childhood? The answer is quite simple rather, there is a correct way, and there is an incorrect way of doing this.
Unfortunately for me, I discovered that I was performing this 1-2 a day task (hey, I'm lactose intolerant, fuck off), WRONNNGGGG for nearly 16 years of my life. That's right ladies, gentlemen, and dog, I discovered in high school, from my girlfriend of 2 years, how to wipe my own buttocks.
First off, you're probably thinking troll? Srs? Let's just set the tone right here, jokes aside, this is a srs blog. Hygiene is very important! Itchy bum is not fun! Nor is finding out from your gf that you've been doing it wrong for so long. You can imagine the embarrassment I went through.
So how in the fuck did my gf of all people discover that I was wiping my bum bum wrong?? This one, is NOT my fault at all! She peeping TOMMED MEE! What the fuck. How did this Mormon, church going, cute little blondie, go to peeping tom, poop watching vixen? Well... sex was part of it, and I guess that was kiiinda my fault, but that's another story. ANYWAYS, the chick totally peeping tommed me through the crack or my bathroom door, with the eye from LOTR watching Frodo. My parents house had this, closet kind of door for the bathroom. + Show Spoiler +
My parents were kinda poor, so when the regular door got damaged, we just replaced it with half of my closet door. Fuck it right? At least that's what my dad said. Turns out, this incredible 'dad' decision was just too much temptation for my ol' blondie gf and she just had to take a peek.
So after my poo poo, I wipe. I wash my hands. I leave. Somewhere in between I flushed the toilet. I come out, and to my surprise my 5'3 gf had this little smirk on her face, standing in front of the door. Immediately I thought, oh god, the noise, the horrendous, cave echoing, tribal chant to the porcelain God known to man as a toilet fart. She heard it, and in a result, we will never have intercourse, ever again. But alas, it was much worse.
"what" I said, with a plain melancholy tone. "why do you wipe your butt that way" replied my sweet little angel.
Instant shock came over me. I - did - not - expect - that - answer.
"wat"...
"you stand up to wipe your bum, that's weird."
My world came crashing in. Have I truly been wiping 'wrong'? Was there a 'wrong' way? What entails correctness when it comes to poop and TP??
Before I continue, I have to say one thing, before this happened, I actually had an encounter with her father about my pooping before this moment. Which now has got me thinking, is this family a bunch of crapophiles or is it just pure coincidence... I am pretty sure this was coincidence, but anyway, judge for yourself.
Her dad is a notorious packrat. This is one thing I had to accept early on, the grossness of her father's habit. The habit got so bad that his wife had to sleep on the couch in the living room, because he had no where left to put his junk, so he started stacking it on the bed! OFC, her side of the bed, watta dick. Anyway... Because of this annoying and disgusting habit, her house was like a maze. There were only certain areas you could walk, because the rest of the house was full of newspapers, computers, tvs, general garbage, etc etc. Basically, you had one path from the main door to the bathroom. The bathroom was the only one in the house, but was also an en-suite to the master bedroom. Alas, because there was so much SHIT everywhere, the master bedroom door was blocked off, and to get to the bedroom you must enter via the bathroom. Can you already see what is about to happen to poor little ol' me?
As I was returning home from school, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. "Babe, when we get off this bus, I'm going to the washroom, and I don't want you to enter for another 35-45 minutes from then on." Ahh, off the crammed bus, and the race is on. Clenched butt cheeks holding up what felt like Thor's hammer. Oh dear Allah, why must the bus stop be so far from the toilet? Why have you forsaken me so. "Babe, run ahead and get that door unlocked."
"srs x.x?"
"Do I look fucking serious??!" was my response as my main vein in my forehead was about to burst and both my hands were locked tighter than a nun over my man cave.
Off she went. What an ass... Oh god don't think of asses, just, make it there..
Huh, weird. She didn't have to unlock the front door, it's always locked.. that's suspicious. NO TIME TO THINK MUST POOP. And what a dire mistake that was. As I rushed into the bathroom, pants at my ankles, a black hole of gravity pulling downwards from my stinker, I juuuuust managed to hover shit over the bowl, with an impressive 9/10 shit dive that the Chinese would have even applauded.
Ahhhhhh. Goodbye icecream and cheese sandwhich. OK. The stink.. I don't even think the fires from hell could extinguish this. Honestly I would be caught in limbo because Satan wouldn't accept me, nor would God with the stench of a thousand dead expelling from my 15 year old body. The only cure? Father time itself. Meh, it is what it is, nothing I can do. I did warn her not to come in for 35-45 minutes afterwards. Alright, time to clean this katrina disaster up.
Pants to the ankles, cock swinging, standing full on Homo Erectus, I ball up enough TP to create a forest, and give her a good swipe. Now, men, (maybe women), we all look. Give me a break. Don't deny that, quite literally, shit. But at this very moment, poop in hand, dick and balls trying to survive the stank, out walks the father from the bedroom.
Mexican stare down commence. Mouth open, time stood still. Even Einstein rolled in his grave wondering how time itself could just STOP.
"I'm sorry!!" as he gasps a mouth full of eldritch stench. And quickly proceeds to bolt out of the bathroom, leaving his bedroom door (the non-blocked en-suite door) open. Now apparently to 'father' leaving the door open, exposing his already quite obvious pack-ratting habit to his daughter's boyfriend is like telling the public you like to touch children. Because that man, with such audacity, managed to Dr.Zoiberg crab walk, backwards BACK INTO THE BATHROOM to close his door, all while I am still in such shock, still standing there because everything but my flaccid penis was frozen solid. This is basically what happened in my head + Show Spoiler +
After that moment, it was like waking up after a bottle of tequila and your butt hurting.. All you can say to yourself is, what... the... fuck... just... happened... I better just leave and never think/mention of this, obviously what will be hours of therapy combo-ed by a mid life crisis, moment again. But no. Nooo. I still have to finish, leave this bathroom, and face the man. Even worse, face my gf. And let her know that I think your dad just did a double-take at my shit holding, ball hanging moronic entity.
So back to my gf peeping tomming me. Back to the second embarrassing moment with this odd family. Apparently, probably quite known to the vast majority of you good TLers, the correct way to wipe your bottom is to squat. You don't need to open your one buttcheek, you can get in there all deep like, and you can avoid horribly embarrassing situations like the two that happened to me. Side-note, wipe away from your testicles, vagina.. What I think is obvious, but hey, look how I used to shit, right?
After that conversation with my gf, I felt stupid. But, educated. I started debating if I did a lot of things wrong. Like if I jacked off weird? Or other private things like that. Nope, just wrong at wiping my own butthole.
Now I kept all this a secret for some time.I'm 24 years old now, and after some intense math, I have been keeping this secret for about 8 years. The only reason why I am broadcasting my shame for you fine TLers today is because just recently, a very good friend of mine were chatting. Eventually, and don't ask me how, we ended up on talking about wiping our butts, and how we did it wrong for the longest time. And how HIS gf also told him how to do it correctly!! Praise Jesus, I was not alone.
All in all, I hope we all know how to wipe our rosy little bums now. As this was the goal of my blog. Or maybe it was some martyr blog so you all can feel better about yourselves. Either way, I hope you enjoyed. Happy wiping everyone!!
Sounds like your gf lived in a real dump. Must have been really shitty to live in that stinking, filled house. I'm surprised the rooms weren't backed up with random crap. To live there I would have demanded a fee. Seas would be the only worse place to raise a child, in my mind.
Im pretty sure ass whiping is a matter of preference... its like sexuality... its all preference.
I prefer woman, and dont stand up to wipe my ass, because its just never how I ever thought it should be done...
however I dont think its wrong for other dudes to fuck dudes...and wipe their ass standing up.
I have a friend who literally CANNOT shit unless he takes off all of his clothes... the dude will literally strip to nothing but his socks... hang his clothes on the bathroom door... and take a shit. Luckily he is a 6'3" 350 pound man who played in the NFL as a runningback... so noone fucks with him and takes his clothes...except for his family/friends who then laugh.
pretty sure everyone checks the paper when they are close to finishing the cleaning process of the rectum, post-shit. How else do you know when you're done? Serious question.... how do blind people know when to stop wiping?
On March 12 2013 09:38 MaestroSC wrote: Im pretty sure ass whiping is a matter of preference... its like sexuality... its all preference.
I prefer woman, and dont stand up to wipe my ass, because its just never how I ever thought it should be done...
however I dont think its wrong for other dudes to fuck dudes...and wipe their ass standing up.
I have a friend who literally CANNOT shit unless he takes off all of his clothes... the dude will literally strip to nothing but his socks... hang his clothes on the bathroom door... and take a shit. Luckily he is a 6'3" 350 pound man who played in the NFL as a runningback... so noone fucks with him and takes his clothes...except for his family/friends who then laugh.
pretty sure everyone checks the paper when they are close to finishing the cleaning process of the rectum, post-shit. How else do you know when you're done? Serious question.... how do blind people know when to stop wiping?
A buddy of mine went to jail, and some dude took his clothes off to shit too. Weird. Big guy though, so nobody really cared. + Show Spoiler +
This reminds me of that one related poop thread/blog lol :| can't recall what it was exactly but there was something sort of like this posted before I think. rofl.
I'm pretty damn sure I remember a similar poop blog as well. I think it may have been about balling up versus folding, but I'm sure there were similarities.
Why the hell would anyone stand up? Wouldn't that... make more of a mess for you to clean up?
On March 12 2013 09:38 MaestroSC wrote: pretty sure everyone checks the paper when they are close to finishing the cleaning process of the rectum, post-shit. How else do you know when you're done? Serious question.... how do blind people know when to stop wiping?
Unless you're one of those people that wraps their hand in a giant cast of like 20 sheets of paper, there's enough tactile feedback that you should be able to feel the difference through the paper between a shit-free asshole and a still-shitty asshole. Friction! Also now I feel weird for having typed up this post. TL makes my life interesting.
I guess I just don't find pooping as funny as everyone else . On a sidenote, I've never heard of someone stand up to wipe, I used to do what another commenter said about taking clothes off (I still do that if I'm feeling sick cuz I've done for what seems like forever now). I'm confused why your gf was peeping on you, how long have you been together that she wants to see you take a dump O.o, you guys are either really close, or she has interesting poop related fetishes lol.
On March 12 2013 23:31 docvoc wrote: I guess I just don't find pooping as funny as everyone else . On a sidenote, I've never heard of someone stand up to wipe, I used to do what another commenter said about taking clothes off (I still do that if I'm feeling sick cuz I've done for what seems like forever now). I'm confused why your gf was peeping on you, how long have you been together that she wants to see you take a dump O.o, you guys are either really close, or she has interesting poop related fetishes lol.
Well that was when we were teens, and at that point it was roughly 2 years together. We had a 5 year relationship though, so we made it through the poop fiascoes! She left me for a man 10 years older than me though. Maybe he shit didn't stink, if you will....
I did the lean and wipe this morning. Not bad, not bad..
On March 13 2013 01:01 bonifaceviii wrote: Repeating from the last butt-wiping thread:
My wife stands to wipe, and I am not letting her teach our children that.
So another one of these blogs that is sorely in need of some pictures. So I grabbed some 3D models online and provided these for you!
Here is the OP on the toilet fapping/crapping happily away:
Here is the OP's original wiping position:
Here is the OP's interpretation of the correct wiping position:
I am here to argue that it is perfectly OK to stand up and wipe. The only main 'correct' recommendation is to wipe away from your balls / holes. Usually I'm lazy and just lean on one butt cheek to swipe especially if it's a particularly moist #2, but have been known to stand up and wipe away, making sure to turn around and admire my work. I happen to like seeing my shit and gauging the various size, buoyancy, and composition of my shit to make sure nothing terrible is happening. As I mention in another post, I currently have a hemorrhoid, so pooping can be somewhat painful, but nothing a soothing moist towelette can't sooth. Popping the smooth roid bulb into your anus is also somewhat nice.
Back in college I had a gf that liked to pee when I was around (in the shower, using the mirror, etc.) At first I thought it was just her really needing to go, but after her doing it once-twice a month for like two years, I realized she was just making random excuses. She liked to pee in front of me.
Ahh fuck it, I've gotten through life just fine so far. Although this brings to mind the time my buddy walked in on me, like you OP, balls out, tp in hand, shit in the toilet and asked me why I wiped like that. Until today I had no idea what he was talking about...wow so I'm the weird one.
On March 13 2013 06:50 HardlyNever wrote: What's with girls and weird bathroom fetishes.
Back in college I had a gf that liked to pee when I was around (in the shower, using the mirror, etc.) At first I thought it was just her really needing to go, but after her doing it once-twice a month for like two years, I realized she was just making random excuses. She liked to pee in front of me.
Weird.
My fiance purposefully leaves the bathroom door open when she goes to the bathroom. If I'm down the hall or whatever, no problemo, I'll leave the door open myself. But when I'm 10 feet away in bed...please close that door crazy lady.
On March 13 2013 06:50 HardlyNever wrote: What's with girls and weird bathroom fetishes.
Back in college I had a gf that liked to pee when I was around (in the shower, using the mirror, etc.) At first I thought it was just her really needing to go, but after her doing it once-twice a month for like two years, I realized she was just making random excuses. She liked to pee in front of me.
Weird.
My current gf is like that, and is very ostentatious about it. She will be hugging me in the shower and either two things happen: a) I will be looking down over her shoulder and all of a sudden I see pee... Sigh.... b) I will see a smirk or hear a faint giggle... pee pee time.
Thank GOD she doesn't poop with the door open. Although one time she left one by accident... I made sure she never did, ever again via calling her work and scolding her about the present she left me.
On March 13 2013 06:59 Charger wrote: OMG I've been doing it wrong for so long!
Ahh fuck it, I've gotten through life just fine so far. Although this brings to mind the time my buddy walked in on me, like you OP, balls out, tp in hand, shit in the toilet and asked me why I wiped like that. Until today I had no idea what he was talking about...wow so I'm the weird one.
But for real, hilarious OP!
Haha it's kinda like riding a bike wrong. At first it's hard to make the switch, but after, you don't even think about it.
wtf squatting is like the only way to wipe your butt. if you stand, it's difficult to get the toilet paper in between your cheeks to your anus. why would anyone stand to wipe?
Some pretty serious points being raised. May deserve a thread in General. If you can't even wipe your butt correctly, how can you be trusted with anything more complex? We must separate correct from incorrect, once and for all, if the human race is to progress.
(Not joking these are real, I've tried it and going to the restroom has never been more fantastic. You can clean and dry without the need to wipe them yourself. Another great invention of the world)
lol I've always been a stander, but I think I'm gonna have to convert. I've always been afraid of accidentally dunking my hand in the toilet if I were to do it while sitting, but I've read several other TL posts about butt-wiping and I'm convinced that it is the way to go. I guess it's like delaying building static defense: may be harder at first, but once you learn to hold off aggression using minimal units/defenses you can get an economy rolling faster and stuff. Yeah, that sounds about right.
EPT![[image loading]](http://www.gleam-canaries.com/sale/sell-door-bifold.jpg)
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