EPT
Impending Loss
Waiting...
Shifting Places
The Wait Has Ended
On Friday, early afternoon, my father passed away. He had been fighting a long and tough battle with pulmonary fibrosis and it got to a point that his body could just no longer take it. Awhile ago we were aware that each time he got sick, each time he had to go to the doctor’s or to the hospital, it could very well be his last. This time, it was.
On Thursday afternoon my mother took him to see the doctor because he was not acting well, but with this disease it is sometimes hard to tell if he is sick, or just declining. They checked him out, saw he was having issues, scheduled a new CT scan for the next week, and sent him home. Later that evening he was having more issues breathing, and finally, seeing how bad my father was doing that night, my mother told him that she had to call the ambulance because if she didn't, he was going to die right there. He agreed.
The medics came, loaded him up, and started the 30 minute drive to the hospital in Reno. My mother texted me to let me know they were going in. I was at work (night shift) and so I knew what was going on. After I got off at 4:30 in the morning I texted her and asked her how he was doing, what did she want me to do. She said they were admitting him and to go home and get some rest, she would call me in a bit.
I went to my parent’s house, and fell asleep. A few hours later my mom comes in, wakes me, and says we have to go, Dad was taking a turn for the worst. Once my father was admitted and stable, she came home for a bit to get some rest as she was up for over 24 hours. After driving home, she slept about an hour, and then the doctors called. As we were throwing our clothes on, she get’s another call from the doctor telling her that she needs to come now, he is doing downhill fast.
On the phone she is crying, it takes 30 minutes to get to the hospital from her house, and the doctors were not sure if we would make it before he went. They said he was on “comfort” status which means they were just trying to ease his pain, there was nothing more they could do. My mom told the doctor we were on our way, that we would get there as soon as we could, and that they had been married for 35 years, tell him that we loved him in case we don’t get there in time.
As soon as we hop in the truck, we are both in tears, she says to me “Daddy’s dying...” and we can hardly control ourselves. We take off, and headed out...on the road my mom calls my sister, who lives about a 6-hour drive away and tells her that dad is failing, she is in tears on the phone, says she will come as soon as she can, apologizes that she cannot be there for us right now, and says she is glad I am with her.
On the way we also call a few other family members, let them know what is happening. Luckily we arrive and he is still alive...if you have ever seen late-stage pulmonary fibrosis, it is not pretty. The body cannot breath, he is struggling so hard. He is on 100% oxygen, breathing as hard as his body can, and still only able to keep his oxygen saturation at around 70% and declining slowly. We knew he was downhill from here...this was going to be it.
They doctor’s gave him morphine and ativan to ease his pain. They moved his roommate to another room to give us privacy, did everything for us we could have asked for, they were the most wonderful nurses that I had ever seen. My mom called my sister, put the phone to his ear, and let her say good bye to him, let him know she loved him. He was half-sedated, but seemed to acknowledge. After a while they needed to hook up some stuff, and we left the room for a bit. My father is Catholic, so my mother requested a priest to come and read him his last rites. After a bit we went back into his room...he was struggling still and looked horrible, his O2 sats were now at 40%...he would not have lasted but another few hours.
The doctor came to us and said that at this point leaving his oxygen on was just prolonging the the pain and recommended taking off the O2. My mother in tears, a registered nurse herself for many years, agreed that it would be best - there was no hope for recovery at this point.
The nurses gave him more pain meds to sedate him, ease his pain more. Finally my mom said to turn off the oxygen. The nurses did and left the room...as he was dying, my mother holding his hand, telling him we would be alright, he could go, he could be out of pain, telling him to relax and let go...we were both in tears, weeping as we watched my father die.
As his heart gave out, the priest came in to pray for him, send him off. My mother and the priest held onto him as his body gave the last few reflexive breathes, he was already gone by this point, but it comforted my mother.
I was there with his brother, my uncle, when he died from the same disease...I was there with him this time as well. I refuse to let dying people be alone...it is the hardest things in the world to watch, but I feel like I would want my loved ones to send me off, so I have always volunteered to be there when it is time for family and friends to go.
We called the family, talked the social worker, and after crying for a bit it was time to say goodbye. My mother had a hard time leaving...she had been married to the guy for 35 years and she knew this was the last time she was going to see him. We hugged his body, said goodbye, and left to start with arrangements.
The couple of days since have been hard, but we knew it was coming for a while, and spent time with friends and family mourning and taking care of the worst business that most people will ever have to go through...funeral plans, calls, paperwork...
I had to explain to my 4-year old son about the fact that Grandad had died, the doctor’s couldn't fix him anymore, and he loved us, and we will miss him. It is so hard...
Overall we are okay, plenty of love and support from support from friends and family. My mother finally realized today that she was now a widow, and that was hard for her to admit. We will make it through and take everything one day at a time.
I just want to thank TL for the love and support you had given me on my previous blogs while I wrote about going through all of this. Losing a loved family member, someone that had always been there your entire life is so difficult and emotional...the worst part is watching my mother who loved him more than anyone on this planet grieve...wishing you could do more, while doing all you can.
Please know that death happens, there is only impermanence in this world, and in time all things fade and life carries on in its way.
I love you Dad, you will be missed.
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![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/DLuTj5B.jpg)
My father holding my newborn son 4 years ago, before he got really sick...
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/do11WAG.jpg)
