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So things with that girl from work had been going awesome. We were hanging out every day and every weekend too. Last weekend was sushi and minigolf. At minigolf I sunk my last shot for a free game and she was like, "if you sink mine as well, I'll make out with you right here". So I stepped up and knocked it down LIKE A BOSS.
We had made plans for christmas and new years. She had started doing extra special things like picking up some eggnog for me when she was shopping. It was all going smooth.
And then last week she drops this bombshell on me.
"Oh, by the way you should know I just got out of this 5 year relationship like a month before I met you. And we were ENGAGED."
Are you kidding me? How do you not start off with that?
So now all the great times we've had so far, all the special moments and the heat and passion has just been leftover feelings from her past relationship? It would have been so much different if I had known this going in, 'cause then I could have went in with the mindset of, "okay happy fun loving rebound time".
Here ex broke it off with her in a real shitty way too. Over a damn text. Ya that's right, he's working in another province and he breaks off an engagement through a text. No explanation, no "let's talk later", just one text and then nothing.
So obviously her whole life has just been completely capsized and she must feel like she's lost at sea and in her desperation she latches onto the nearest buoy to stay afloat. Me.
She's coming over tonight. I'm telling her that we need to stop seeing each other until she sorts her shit out. But I'm going to be treating this as a permanent break up. Don't get me wrong, the last month has been amazing, but I'm not going to invest my heart into a flimsy rebound. Like I said earlier, things would be different if I knew up front, but by now my feelings are getting exponentially deeper with each passing day we spend together.
Sigh. Every time you think you find something great, the world seems to just yank it away. Nah, I'm just kidding. This going to hurt like hell, but I'll be fine. This isn't enough to keep me down.
Oh and I just switched departments at work. For the last couple of weeks we've been only seeing each other before and after work. So now I'll just show up a couple minutes before work starts and jet as soon as it ends.
 
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I'm usualy for the fuck the past approach, but I can imagine how that might not be the best approach in this case.. But maybe you should chill a bit too because you have only been dating for 1 month now right?
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Now son, don't be haaaaaasty
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Good thing you did not put on that bellhop's hat, or else you'd be dealing with a lot of baggage.
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Thank god this was a reasonable post from someone who has their shit straight. Most guys on here would be crying about their feelings for this girl and how much help they need to figure it out. Thank you sir for handling this like a reasonable adult with some self-confidence.
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Dang good choice. Well I don't know if it's actually a good choice or not, but you sure made your decision in a strong manner and that's important.
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True story, don't be a rebound! Maybe it'll work out down the road, but it's far better to keep your distance for now.
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Is there some sort of law that people aren't allowed to date for x amount of time after ending a relationship? If you really feel like you are just a rebound, then ok, whatever. But just a suggestion - she might not see you as a rebound, but as a new and fun date, and the reason she didn't drop the bomb when she first met was because it's usually inappropriate to bring up baggage like that early on.
Of course, I could be completely wrong, maybe she is a lot of baggage. If she expects you to help her deal with the breakup then yea, I could see that. Depends on context.
So now all the great times we've had so far, all the special moments and the heat and passion has just been leftover feelings from her past relationship?
That's a pretty strong assumption.
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She was engaged with a man who broke up with his fiancé over text. So she had bad judgement.
I don't like the word rebound. For me the rebound is when I am still in the heat of lust for another person. Good tiem to meet people is all i think of it as. How important do guys have to be to their women?? It's almost like we have to be zeus in their eyes or its not worth it.
Anyways you oughta do what you want, so if thats what you want, good choice. Just don't start thinking that women like her are scarce and make yourself all sad. Remember if you don't value it enough to keep it then it can' tbe that great.
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"So obviously her whole life has just been completely capsized and she must feel like she's lost at sea and in her desperation she latches onto the nearest buoy to stay afloat. Me."
OK so basically life gave you pocket aces and you're folding before the flop. If I was your friend I would come over and kick your ass before you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Jesus dude. Feel like I'm being trolled.
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On November 26 2012 04:21 Fyodor wrote:
"So obviously her whole life has just been completely capsized and she must feel like she's lost at sea and in her desperation she latches onto the nearest buoy to stay afloat. Me."
OK so basically life gave you pocket aces and you're folding before the flop. If I was your friend I would come over and kick your ass before you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Jesus dude. Feel like I'm being trolled.
So some woman who presumably is going through a rough patch in her relationship life is "pocket aces" dating material? I don't know about you, but I'd much much rather get serious with a woman who isn't looking to cling to the first life raft she sees. In any case, there are a million of other scenarios far more befitting your poker analogy. And honestly, it sounds like it is a good thing you aren't OP's "friend"; you sound like a judgmental bad one.
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Why not just keep fucking her until she feels better about herself, then play it by ear? Win-win for all involved
EDIT: unless you can't sleep with a girl without investing your emotions into them, that's understandable
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On November 26 2012 04:21 Fyodor wrote:
"So obviously her whole life has just been completely capsized and she must feel like she's lost at sea and in her desperation she latches onto the nearest buoy to stay afloat. Me."
OK so basically life gave you pocket aces and you're folding before the flop. If I was your friend I would come over and kick your ass before you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Jesus dude. Feel like I'm being trolled.
I feel like you're trolling. You definitely haven't dated a girl coming off a serious relationship. Girls like that are a complete emotional wreck, there's no telling what they'll do. Definitely not anything good, that's for sure. She is just latching onto our blogster for the emotional safety net.
Even if he was just looking for the casual fuck, then he's already pressed his luck, eventually it's going to backfire. BONUS: he works with her which is even more dangerous. He's making the right move, ESPECIALLY considering he's looking for a real relationship.
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On November 26 2012 04:37 Zeller wrote:Show nested quote +On November 26 2012 04:21 Fyodor wrote:
"So obviously her whole life has just been completely capsized and she must feel like she's lost at sea and in her desperation she latches onto the nearest buoy to stay afloat. Me."
OK so basically life gave you pocket aces and you're folding before the flop. If I was your friend I would come over and kick your ass before you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Jesus dude. Feel like I'm being trolled. I feel like you're trolling. You definitely haven't dated a girl coming off a serious relationship. Girls like that are a complete emotional wreck, there's no telling what they'll do. Definitely not anything good, that's for sure. She is just latching onto our blogster for the emotional safety net. Even if he was just looking for the casual fuck, then he's already pressed his luck, eventually it's going to backfire. BONUS: he works with her which is even more dangerous. He's making the right move, ESPECIALLY considering he's looking for a real relationship.
Actually, each of my last three girlfriends has happened shortly after they broke off a long-term relationship (2 yrs, 1 yr, 7 yrs). It's not difficult if you just give them a shoulder to cry on. Usually she's just trying to feel better about herself, and she's a little clingy at times. Other than that there's no real difference
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On November 26 2012 04:37 Zeller wrote:Show nested quote +On November 26 2012 04:21 Fyodor wrote:
"So obviously her whole life has just been completely capsized and she must feel like she's lost at sea and in her desperation she latches onto the nearest buoy to stay afloat. Me."
OK so basically life gave you pocket aces and you're folding before the flop. If I was your friend I would come over and kick your ass before you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Jesus dude. Feel like I'm being trolled. I feel like you're trolling. You definitely haven't dated a girl coming off a serious relationship. Girls like that are a complete emotional wreck, there's no telling what they'll do. Definitely not anything good, that's for sure. She is just latching onto our blogster for the emotional safety net. Even if he was just looking for the casual fuck, then he's already pressed his luck, eventually it's going to backfire. BONUS: he works with her which is even more dangerous. He's making the right move, ESPECIALLY considering he's looking for a real relationship.
Everything here is pretty much spot on. The working together part is really the last bit needed to make it so you should end it now. 5years and engaged you are definitely a rebound, but even so somewhere down the line it might work out. Then again she could also get back with her ex. Better to avoid the whole situation.
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On November 26 2012 04:48 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On November 26 2012 04:37 Zeller wrote:On November 26 2012 04:21 Fyodor wrote:
"So obviously her whole life has just been completely capsized and she must feel like she's lost at sea and in her desperation she latches onto the nearest buoy to stay afloat. Me."
OK so basically life gave you pocket aces and you're folding before the flop. If I was your friend I would come over and kick your ass before you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Jesus dude. Feel like I'm being trolled. I feel like you're trolling. You definitely haven't dated a girl coming off a serious relationship. Girls like that are a complete emotional wreck, there's no telling what they'll do. Definitely not anything good, that's for sure. She is just latching onto our blogster for the emotional safety net. Even if he was just looking for the casual fuck, then he's already pressed his luck, eventually it's going to backfire. BONUS: he works with her which is even more dangerous. He's making the right move, ESPECIALLY considering he's looking for a real relationship. Actually, each of my last three girlfriends has happened shortly after they broke off a long-term relationship (2 yrs, 1 yr, 7 yrs). It's not difficult if you just give them a shoulder to cry on. Usually she's just trying to feel better about herself, and she's a little clingy at times. Other than that there's no real difference
I feel like that just reinforces my point that it doesn't workout with women coming off serious relationships. Like you said your last three girlfriends, AKA 3 relationships that didn't workout for you.
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On November 26 2012 04:58 Zeller wrote:Show nested quote +On November 26 2012 04:48 Shady Sands wrote:On November 26 2012 04:37 Zeller wrote:On November 26 2012 04:21 Fyodor wrote:
"So obviously her whole life has just been completely capsized and she must feel like she's lost at sea and in her desperation she latches onto the nearest buoy to stay afloat. Me."
OK so basically life gave you pocket aces and you're folding before the flop. If I was your friend I would come over and kick your ass before you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Jesus dude. Feel like I'm being trolled. I feel like you're trolling. You definitely haven't dated a girl coming off a serious relationship. Girls like that are a complete emotional wreck, there's no telling what they'll do. Definitely not anything good, that's for sure. She is just latching onto our blogster for the emotional safety net. Even if he was just looking for the casual fuck, then he's already pressed his luck, eventually it's going to backfire. BONUS: he works with her which is even more dangerous. He's making the right move, ESPECIALLY considering he's looking for a real relationship. Actually, each of my last three girlfriends has happened shortly after they broke off a long-term relationship (2 yrs, 1 yr, 7 yrs). It's not difficult if you just give them a shoulder to cry on. Usually she's just trying to feel better about herself, and she's a little clingy at times. Other than that there's no real difference I feel like that just reinforces my point that it doesn't workout with women coming off serious relationships. Like you said your last three girlfriends, AKA 3 relationships that didn't workout for you.
Well, I never started dating them with the intention of marrying them, if that's what you meant by success. For the first one of the three, I eventually thought of her that way, but only after we'd been dating for over a year.
Basically, if you're dating someone, it's going to end in a breakup or marriage, so if you don't want to get married in the first place, then it doesn't really matter, right?
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BEFORE YOU DO THIS, DONT!!!!!
I understand it has just been a month, and I understand this might be a rebound for her, but STOP, right now. Don't break it just yet. This doesn't have to be a super, super serious relationship. This could be a good thing for you to have a girl on your arm and for her to start getting back to her normal self. This doesn't have to be a marriage thing dude, you can just have casual sex with her. Just give her some time, and if she leaves you, she leaves you since you don't seem to care if you just end it right now any way. She has latched on to you. The word rebound would mean that you actively pursued her after you knew she had a break up, that is not the case here. Don't go and be hasty, give it time. If you give her time to heal, and she makes you happy, then it will be worth it. If she just leaves you and says she needs to figure it out, then everything ends like you are going to do tonight. If that is the case, why terminate it early if she could possibly do the same thing while elongating your happiness period? Don't be hasty, a great thing has fallen in your lap, enjoy it.
EDIT: She works with you, and now that I think about it and have read some of the comments, this is a definite no go and I really don't know if you are trolling us or not. 5 years and she just latches onto you without crying about it or anything either means she really likes you (like loves you) or you are trolling us.
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On November 26 2012 05:09 docvoc wrote:
BEFORE YOU DO THIS, DONT!!!!!
I understand it has just been a month, and I understand this might be a rebound for her, but STOP, right now. Don't break it just yet. This doesn't have to be a super, super serious relationship. This could be a good thing for you to have a girl on your arm and for her to start getting back to her normal self. This doesn't have to be a marriage thing dude, you can just have casual sex with her. Just give her some time, and if she leaves you, she leaves you since you don't seem to care if you just end it right now any way. She has latched on to you. The word rebound would mean that you actively pursued her after you knew she had a break up, that is not the case here. Don't go and be hasty, give it time. If you give her time to heal, and she makes you happy, then it will be worth it. If she just leaves you and says she needs to figure it out, then everything ends like you are going to do tonight. If that is the case, why terminate it early if she could possibly do the same thing while elongating your happiness period? Don't be hasty, a great thing has fallen in your lap, enjoy it.
I can understand this train of thought, and it's one I've contemplated myself. The thing is, I do care about her but not in an over the top, wow this girl is going to be my wife kind of way. (I generally think anyone who does feel that way after just meeting someone is a moron, or has watched Serendipity too many times). However, I feel I'm at the right time where if I pull away now, things will be a lot easier for me in the long run. If I hold on and try to weather the storm so to speak, and later she ends up breaking up with me because I was indeed her rebound, I'm not going to be able to take that easily. Especially knowing that I had the opportunity to end things at this time.
This wasn't a decision I made overnight, this was one I've been processing for the last week. I really feel like this is better for both of us, although it will be painful for the next little while.
Edit: There's no way to prove this, but I'm not trolling. Obviously, if I could give you a recording of the past month everyone could give me much better advice. I just limit my blogs to what I think is necessary to understand the situation.
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On November 26 2012 05:18 Fumanchu wrote:Show nested quote +On November 26 2012 05:09 docvoc wrote:
BEFORE YOU DO THIS, DONT!!!!!
I understand it has just been a month, and I understand this might be a rebound for her, but STOP, right now. Don't break it just yet. This doesn't have to be a super, super serious relationship. This could be a good thing for you to have a girl on your arm and for her to start getting back to her normal self. This doesn't have to be a marriage thing dude, you can just have casual sex with her. Just give her some time, and if she leaves you, she leaves you since you don't seem to care if you just end it right now any way. She has latched on to you. The word rebound would mean that you actively pursued her after you knew she had a break up, that is not the case here. Don't go and be hasty, give it time. If you give her time to heal, and she makes you happy, then it will be worth it. If she just leaves you and says she needs to figure it out, then everything ends like you are going to do tonight. If that is the case, why terminate it early if she could possibly do the same thing while elongating your happiness period? Don't be hasty, a great thing has fallen in your lap, enjoy it. I can understand this train of thought, and it's one I've contemplated myself. The thing is, I do care about her but not in an over the top, wow this girl is going to be my wife kind of way. (I generally think anyone who does feel that way after just meeting someone is a moron, or has watched Serendipity too many times). However, I feel I'm at the right time where if I pull away now, things will be a lot easier for me in the long run. If I hold on and try to weather the storm so to speak, and later she ends up breaking up with me because I was indeed her rebound, I'm not going to be able to take that easily. Especially knowing that I had the opportunity to end things at this time. This wasn't a decision I made overnight, this was one I've been processing for the last week. I really feel like this is better for both of us, although it will be painful for the next little while.
You don't understand what a "rebound" is.
You only need to be afraid about "the rebound" if she latches on to you almost immediately after and if the ex is still in the picture. Neither of these are the case.
If the ex-fiancee isn't in town then her hooking up with you isn't motivated by revenge towards her ex. If she is still with you after a month then it isn't solely motivated by the need to reaffirm her attractiveness. What she feels is the need to be happy and share her life with someone, which is pretty much what love boils down to.
Pocket. aces. Don't break that girl's heart, you asshole.
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Did you consider the possibility that the 5 year relationship that the guy was able to end over text message may have been dead long before that? But by all means go in all guns blazing like a man and end it over a reason that doesn't have any real grounding in anything but your own insecurity.
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On November 26 2012 05:44 PointyShoes wrote:
Did you consider the possibility that the 5 year relationship that the guy was able to end over text message may have been dead long before that? But by all means go in all guns blazing like a man and end it over a reason that doesn't have any real grounding in anything but your own insecurity.
This.
Of course if you've found someone better than her, then by all means just break things off with her
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I was a rebound, and we have been together for 4 years now
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At the end of the day, love is a bunch of idiosyncratic anecdotes. Some things will tend to give you a good result, like being richer, taller, more handsome, more mentally stable, but oftentimes it just boils down to luck
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Man you need to grab rebounds like Rodman. If you've been with her for a month and haven't noticed any emotional instability then why end it?
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There is no reason to stop seeing her. Enjoy the ride. Many rebound relationships work out. I started dating my wife after a rebound from a long relationship, and we've been married for 4 years. But you need to cultivate some other leads just in case.
And for God's sake stop whining about how you don't want to invest your feelings or risk getting your heart broken or whatever. You sound like one of the girls on the Bachelor. <gag>
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United States10106 Posts
i dunno. maybe an overreaction?
how long before you two started dating?
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I'm enjoying this. 
My advice: Ask the guy and girl why the guy broke it off.
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Thats the rule of dating i learned from my last girlfriend: your relationship must be untainted by emotional baggage like their ex boyfriends. I agree eith you, though I'm not positive from ur blog she is using you as rebound, if you think this you are probably right
Edit: actually OP, are you assuming this or do you knoe this, because if assume stay ewith her dammit
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Goddamnit OP, I have to yell at you again. The ONLY reason to quit it right now isn't because it's the mature thing to do, it's because you're too attached and too scared that she might hurt you later down the road. You seem to be having fun right now, keep having fun.
That's the basis for a relationship, not some artificial commitment or choice of words.
On November 26 2012 03:45 Zeller wrote:
Thank god this was a reasonable post from someone who has their shit straight. Most guys on here would be crying about their feelings for this girl and how much help they need to figure it out. Thank you sir for handling this like a reasonable adult with some self-confidence.
Nope. It's from someone who is scared of something that hasn't happened yet and is trying to prematurely end the relationship to avoid getting hurt.
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You could try to talk to her first but your reaction seems very mature to me. Choicing to not be the rebound, assuming you are doing it cause you want something more, is very impressive. My respect for it.
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My advice is to not take our advice and do whats best for you. Everyone has a different set of standards and preferences, and since we have no way of telling what yours are your better of asking people who actually know you.
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On November 26 2012 09:00 B.I.G. wrote:
My advice is to not take our advice and do whats best for you. Everyone has a different set of standards and preferences, and since we have no way of telling what yours are your better of asking people who actually know you.
I don't think he should take this advice.
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Your head is in the right place right now, and I can understand you not wanting to set yourself up to get hurt or used right now. However, I think you are over-reacting a bit too much. I don't think you should outright pull the plug on this yet. Maybe pull back a bit, see her less; talk to her less. If she asks what is going on, you'll know that she is genuinely interested in you for you, and you can talk about your concerns after that.
If she doesn't seem to mind, then maybe think about ending it. Don't throw away something good out of fear.
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Alright I'm meeting her in an hour now. I was pretty sure of how I was going to handle it. I'm back to tossing things around now.
Without getting too after school special, let me just say that I really appreciate the honesty of the feedback given here. Whether you think I'm an idiot or in the right place or I'm just trolling, you have stated so plainly. It's refreshing and for me personally it's much needed in these types of situations. So thank you to anyone who posted honestly.
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gl hf yo
measure twice, cut once
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I know men aren't the best at this concept (this oddly seems more suggested from the woman's side, in my experience), but just because you're dating doesn't mean it's in any way serious yet. One month in is still the fun, fuzzy, physical, intense phase.
Also, if you were present, I'd slap you in the "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN" style.
You're so overreacting, there's nothing wrong with a woman who's had a previous relationship. To desire a woman with "no baggage" is idiotic. These people do not exist. There's less baggage. There's too much baggage. There is no "none." This applies for men and women. Why is it a bad thing she had a serious commitment with another man? You've barely been dating her and you've already made holiday plans? Sounds like you've already committed the next few months to her in a way? You didn't have a problem doing that. Before you found out she was engaged. "
This girl was actually forthcoming about her past (hey, I wouldn't whip that out in the first week, either), and now she's almost tainted to you. Fuck, this girl sounds pretty awesome to me.
I hope you realize how childish you're behaving, and you're ruining a good thing in the very early non-committing stages of a new relationship.
You will regret this. But maybe she's better off.
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You should definitely figure out why they broke up. There are a lot of circumstances you can't know from just "we were together for five years, we broke up through a text." Figure out for yourself if she's clinging to you because she likes you or because she needs someone to carry her emotional baggage. Being a rebound isn't always a bad thing.
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On November 26 2012 05:44 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On November 26 2012 05:44 PointyShoes wrote:
Did you consider the possibility that the 5 year relationship that the guy was able to end over text message may have been dead long before that? But by all means go in all guns blazing like a man and end it over a reason that doesn't have any real grounding in anything but your own insecurity. This. Of course if you've found someone better than her, then by all means just break things off with her
Agreed.
I was engaged to a girl and broke up with her after a 7 year mostly long distance relationship and just a short time after, she was fine and found someone else (It was after 3 month, not 1, but that was mostly due to lack of opportunity).
Especially long distance relationships can end up being dead long before they formally end and those involved often suffer a lot less from the break-up.
Don't make assumptions, unless she said something else you should just proceed "as normal".
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Wow, OP, doing it like a boss -- yeah I don't get why she didn't mention that to you in the first place, either. Just out of curiosity sake, how old are you?
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On November 26 2012 09:54 HardlyNever wrote:
Your head is in the right place right now, and I can understand you not wanting to set yourself up to get hurt or used right now. However, I think you are over-reacting a bit too much. I don't think you should outright pull the plug on this yet. Maybe pull back a bit, see her less; talk to her less. If she asks what is going on, you'll know that she is genuinely interested in you for you, and you can talk about your concerns after that.
If she doesn't seem to mind, then maybe think about ending it. Don't throw away something good out of fear.
How to see and talk to someone less who works with you?
Face it you arepast the point of no return on this one you need to follow through and try to make it work.If you are having fun and enjoy her company what is the problem?
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You're making a bigger deal than necessary out of this.
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boning a co worker who was a little more than a month removed from being engaged to a bf of five years... that is the holy grail of fuck ups jesus
well at least you got your weiner touched. that is an improvement on the typical girl blog
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Just sleep with her and treat her normally outside of the bedroom
What can she do? Complain and say you're harassing her?
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EPT
