I've thought a long time about writing this, but I just didn't know how to. I know that I am not a big person within the ranks of pro-gamers, I was average at best, with few moments of greatness, and therefor I never really felt like I wanted my retirement to be "announced" like something big just happened. Especially when there are far more successful people who has said good bye to SC2 lately.
So instead I choose to write this as a personal letter of good bye, to the community I've always cared the most about: Teamliquid. It's been my favorite site ever since I discovered it, from the beginning of my SC/BW days til the end of my SC2 career. It is no overstatement that my results have been poor for a very long time, and there comes a point in time where you just have to admit defeat.
I once read "Winners never quit, quitters never win" on MaD'FroGs SC/BW profile on an old swedish starcraft page, and ever since I've always had that quote in mind in whatever competition i've engaged in. At times when I've felt hopeless, or when I haven't had the motivation to practice, I used to remember that quote and tell myself the exact lines "Quitters never win" and decide to keep on struggling. But the last year or so, I've come to realize that the quote really has two meanings to it. It is true that winners never quit, and thus quitters never win, but that also means in the long run (at least to me) that if you're not winning; It's time to quit.
The thought of retiring was never really an option, not until I read the post about Jinro's retirement and his own personal statement. I am by no means trying to leech of his retirement post by mentioning this, but what I read in the post had a big impact on me. The way I interprented it, Jinro struggled with motivation due to finally reaching his goal of becoming a pro-gamer in Korea, and before he had the shot to join Team Liquid as a SC2-progamer, he had already given up on the dream of being a SC/BW progamer(Anyone feel free to correct me if I've interprented this wrong). I myself feel that I can identify with this, on a much much smaller scale in terms of success of course, but nonetheless, it spoke to me.
If you read my blog about my "journey as a progamer" this might sound like I'm repeating myself but I'll write about it anyhow. I too wanted to become a SC/BW progamer when I was younger, but I also had a very strong urge to finish school and proceed to the university. As time passed I let my childhood dream go, and I progressed into a more "normal" life, meaning I focused on my studies and finally went to university at the age of 19, leaving SC/BW and the dreams attached to it behind. Starcraft 2 and it's explosion did however manage to pull me back into the world of e-sports, and thus my dream of becoming a progamer re-ignited. I did in some ways succeed this time, but I always had this thought in the back of my head telling me "It's too late".
I'm not going to argue for or against how valid it is for me to label myself as a "progamer". It can certainly be discussed if I ever truly was one, but for the sake of this letter I'll keep using the term. For a couple of things are sure: A) I did recieve economic compensation for playing Starcraft II B) I had an organisation who paid for my trips, hotels, and also supplied me with gear. C) I did devote all the free time I had to practice (while in school) and whenever I was playing fulltime I was pretty much treating it as a full-time job (meaning an average of 8 hours a day devoted to SC2)
Now, upon joining Team Dignitas I didn't, at least at the time, feel satisfied. Looking back at it, maybe I was, I can't tell for sure. As always, it might just be another excuse for not living up to expectations. What I do know is that the feeling of finally "living the life of a progamer" was there, once I started going to international events such as IEM, MLG, Assembly, but even the fact that I was paid to fly all over Sweden attending smaller national events, or bigger, such as Dreamhack. I found myself in situations, that to me, were surreal. I shook SlayerS_`BoxeR`s hand at MLG Anaheim, of course because I'm a huge fan, but also, at the same time as a fellow player attending the same tournament. I found myself sitting next to the legendary [ReD]NaDa at Assembly, both warming up for the same tournament, both getting ready to play in the group stages. That, to me, was so surreal, because both NaDa and BoxeR were Terrans I looked up to as gods when I was young teenager. I had folders named "BoxeR" and "NaDa" in my SC/BW replay map, filled with their replays. I also looked on countless of their vods, and FPVods. In fact, NaDas first FPVod against SiR_Soni is probably the reason I started spamming like a mad man. Countless examples can be mentioned, for example, sitting down talking with Grubby, one player to another, was also extremely surreal. Even though I didn't follow Wc3 at all, I knew one thing, and that was that Grubby was freaking good at Wc3 and pretty damn huge in e-sports.
Worth mentioning is that none these experiences were really "surreal" when they actually happened, they felt natural, I felt like I was one of them. The feeling usually took place whenever I'd come home from an event and return to my every day life, or when I'd watch a big tournament from home, from a stream. I'd see these guys that I had met and talked with, now playing on the big stages, I'd see how much the fans supported them, and sometimes I'd just get struck with sort of a "Holy crap I can't believe I get to be around and hang out with these people like I'm one of them" feeling.
Maybe that truly was the problem, maybe not, in the end, one thing is still for certain, I did not manage to achieve any significant results. For most of my progaming life, I had attended university while playing, I always rationalized with this in mind, thinking if I only play fulltime I can be as good or even better as these guys. But the fact that I did do these things at the same time, also made me feel like I never truly belonged there, or that I had already "missed my shot". It was like I was living on borrowed time, and I was doing something I should've been doing two or three years ago. The fact of the matter was, I had already finished 50 % of my Uni education, I was turning 21, and later 22 years old, and giving it all up to go all in on progaming was as tempting as it was scary.
In a simplified context, it was a battle of Heart and Mind. My heart wanted to just let it all go and try it out, my mind told me not to, it was too risky, and very stupid given the situation I was in. Playing full time meant risking my "safety net" that I had in attending Uni, and it might also have meant giving up something that would assure me a safe future.
However, after considering an serious attempt at fulltime, for a loooong time (Six months or so) my heart finally won over my mind, and I decided to pause my uni studies (again, 50 % in to the education) and go fulltime. This was March 2012. Now, one key argument that made me do this was this; No matter how things went in regards to success, if I do this, at least I can look back to things, say 10 or 20 years from now, and say "I tried". I basically went fulltime, in order to prevent myself from ever second doubting myself, I did it so that even if it failed, at least I could tell myself that I made an honest attempt to make it work.
Looking at reality, it was a stupid, stupid move. And I'm not talking in retrospect here, It was a seriously stupid move even if I couldn't know the outcome of it yet, because I had nothing secured, I was too impatient, and decided it's either now or never. I basically went fultime without any financial security at all, with no promises of a raise in salary, with a shitty computer that could barely handle 200/200 battles. It was basically my almost two years urge of going fulltime overriding my mind, and I simply told myself "It'll work out in one way or another". Knowing it was incredibly naive to say so. But to give myself some credit, I did at least secure a spot at my university, meaning I could return after 6 or 12 months, not having to start over or re-apply. And also,I had a budget worked out that would last me at least 4 months, if I just restricted my money to food, rent, phone bill and other necessary supplies like hygiene products etc. This budget was pretty much my savings from prize money and other small stuff like streaming, doing sponsor stuff, etc.
I will admit at the time, I was very angry with Dignitas for not helping me out financially. But looking back at it, with a much broader view and with the results in hand, they had already given me all the financial help I could ask for even when I wasn't playing full time, and asking for another 6 months or 12 months of help with nothing to show for it, was just me being too egoistic and selfcentered. Today I fully understand why they chose not to, and looking at Dignitas as a whole, they are still an awesome team, and I do not wish them any bad publicity at all.
However, the period of March 2012 til September 2012 was without a doubt the most stressful, mentally draining, and painful time of my life as of yet.
It started off good, I felt a clear improvement after only a month or so of playing fulltime. But a month or so after my decision to go fulltime, my budget already started to crack. This was due to a couple of reasons. One of them was where, due to messing up a technicality, me and my roommate were forced to pay double rent when we moved to a new appartment. We had to pay the coming months rent for our old and new appartment. Usually this is avoided by telling your landlord that you want to be released from the contract, but this needs to be done 3 months prior in order to avoid paying the last months rent. We missed it with one day, due to us forgetting that a third person, who lived there before, was still registrated on the appartment and thus he had to approve of giving up the appartment as well. Secondly, when we were moving our stuff, we unknowingly parked the moving truck in a zone which was forbidden on weekends (again, we fucked up) and we were fined a pretty hefty sum of money. And thirdly, 500$ of what I had accounted for in my budget had not been paid out to me yet (Story of e-sports...) and it was due months ago.
All in all, all of the above had me struggling to even afford rent, month by month. Instead of having to worry about practice, I had to worry about how the hell I would be able to afford to pay next months rent, and this problem was starting to arise in the middle of May already. Luckiley, due to having extremely forgiving parents, they decided to help me out when they heard about the situation. But still, the beating my pride took when I had to come begging my Mom and Dad for money to pay rent, was unreal. I felt pretty shitty to say the least, especially knowing it was entirely my own fault for ending up in a situation like this. Especially knowing that I, technically an adult, 22 years old, set aside my education in pursuit of a progaming career, and ended up flat broke.
I sat down with my Mom and Dad, who for the last two years have been extremely supportive of what I do, and basically told them I'll do anything you tell me to do. I told em I'll get a job, I'll go back to school, because I knew as an adult I have responsibilities and I never wanted to put my parents in a situation where they have to pay out of their own pocket to suppor their adult son. What was so awesome was that they pretty much said "If you feel that this (progaming) is what you want to do, then we'll fully support it and help you out".
The relief of hearing that was immense, but still, letting my parents fund my attempt of making it big in progaming was just something I couldn't live with. I had to live with it for now, because I couldn't resume University until September, but I told em that was it. I said, I'll continue doing this from May til the end of August, if it's still not working out, I'll resume school, and that's that.
And you all know the facts of the story, I wasn't able to perform well during the summer either. Despite having nothing to worry about than practice. I practiced and practiced, but kept failing harder and harder. The final drop came when the WCS Sweden qualifications ran. There were 8 spots up for grabs, and, another 8 spots had already been filled through invites. I should have been able to qualify with ease, because basically top 8 of Sweden (With the exception of SaSe and Naniwa) had already qualified. Yet I kept losing one or two rounds away from qualification to complete nobodies. The only exception being the last qualifier, where I fell in the final round, 1-2 to Ai.Seiplo, who then went on to place third at WCS Sweden.
My failed attempt to qualify for WCS Sweden basically marked the event of possible events to qualify for before the month of September began, and I just knew, the moment I lost to Seiplo, that this was it, this was the end. There was nothing, at least in my opinion, that could motivate me to keep pushing. I had tried the fulltime approach, I had failed, gone broke, and eventually ended up being financially supported by my parents to keep my appartment and being able to have simple things such as you know.. food.
It was both relieving and saddening, because deep down inside I wanted to keep trying, but my mind kept telling me to get my shit together. After all, it's not like I didn't have any other options (that some people might not have) I did have access to a good education, I did have access to financial security as long as I kept studying. I just couldn't neglect that any longer.
Therefor, as of September 2012, I've practically been retired from SC2. I'm not saying I wont jump on and play a few games on the ladder, but i'm definitely saying I'll never pursue a career of progaming again. In fact, the few times I have tried to play out of enjoyment after September, It's given me nothing. The problem I've always had is that if I'm going to do something, I need to be good at it, otherwise it's not fun. And whenever I jump on battle.net now, play a ladder game, and realize how rusty and bad I am from a two months hiatus, I get discouraged and It's simply not fun to play.
I'm now back at University, and I intend to finish my education with top grades from here on. I've made it my new competitive goal to simply "pwn" school, because I never really gave that an honest shot either due to SC2 taking up all the free time I had.
I've regained my financial security and studying actually feels fun and rewarding again, and even if things went really bad and horrible for a while, I'm never going to say that I regret the decision of going full time. It was something I HAD to do, yes it ended up in pain and suffering for the most part, but it also gave me closure. I can now look back on progaming and say I tried it out, I got to be part of it all, and now I'm done with it. I will (hopefully) never be that guy who says "Well I could've been a superstar once if I just focused on practicing rather than school, but I chose not to" Because I tried, and it didn't work out.
To bring some sort of summary to this mess of a text I'll say a couple of things about Progaming and e-Sports:
- It is not and while not be for a long time, at all glamorous. A lot of organizations focus on "what's in" right now and once your game is not "in" you're shit out of luck if you're not among the top 10, top 15 or so in the foreign community.
- E-sport as a business is very shaky, unpredictable and lacks structure, which sucks for those trying to earn a living off it. You can never be 100 % sure of that your prize money will be paid in time, or even paid at all, in fact, some horrible examples show that players sometimes are screwed over for tens of thousands of dollars. You can't even rest assured that your so called "salaray" will be paid out in time, and sometimes it's being delayed by months. Is this purely the fault of tournament organizers and e-sport teams? No. A lot of it is also sponsors not fulfilling their part of the deal, aka, they are really fucking slow on paying out the financial means at times, and sometimes, they just don't pay out at all.
- Due to lack of any structure like a player union and stuff like that, you can't really enforce anything with sanctions. Few, if any players, have the finanical means to actually sue a company or a sponsor, and even if they were to sue them, International business law is a major clusterfuck, especially when it stretches across ALL the continents, so the likehood of this ever going to a real trial in whatever country is very small, and the likehood of you getting any financial compensation for being screwed over, is even smaller.
- The players are most of the times a very young and naive group of people, being bossed around by people with real life experience in their 30s or 40s. This clearly creates unjust situations where younger people are being used or screwed over because they simply lack real life experience or any business experience, in comparison to the people running the teams and events. And they have no organized body that can help them regulate these unjust situations, i.e. they have no one else to turn to.
- While all of the above things are very negative in tone, being part of e-sports and actually playing games as a profession, is something I'll always remember and cheerish for the rest of my life. It's been an awesome ride, I've met a lot of great people, travelled a lot of countries, and had some amazing experiences. None of these would've been had if it wasn't for progaming.
- There are some fucking brilliant people out there who truly want esports to succeed and who live and breathe for this to happen. All kudos to them, and if I may say anything, please realise that most of these people do it for no pay at all or very shitty pay. Support them as much as you can, help them out, write their sponsors and tell them how awesome they are, pay 10$ for a three day experience of awesome Starcraft II once in a while, it does make a difference.
- E-sports can make it big, it has a long way to go, but there's signs everywhere that it is possible. Whenever you trash on players, casters, tournaments, keep in mind that they do this for the love of the scene, and they are all truley devoted and skilled at what they do. Some more encouragement from time to time would make their hard efforts seem a little bit more worth their while, I promise.
Finally if you are considering a progaming career I have one advice
- If you truly want to become a progamer, don't let this discourage you, in fact, I would love to see more people making a serious attempt at it. If you truly want something in your life, you should always go ahead and just try it. My only advice is make sure you are not in between things when you decide to do this. The optimal time to aim for a progaming career would be before college/uni studies, and or before you've gone too far in your work career. Progaming is most suitable for the really young, lets say from ages 15-19, where you don't have the same responsibilties or commitments as someone in their mid or late 20s.
And with this I bid you goodbye, beloved Starcraft community. I wish you all the best and I might still drop in at times, maybe I'll even get really nostalgic and write about a funny story at an event or so I am sure of one thing, my competitive career within e-sports is done, and it's given me a lot of valueable and fun experiences that I'll always carry with me for the rest of my life.
<3 I wish you the best and am Happy for you you got a chance very few are able to take!! You should be proud ! And maybe you can help start a players union or something that can concentrate on the players and their rights!!
Merz - the strength of your mind which has been cultivated through applying the philosophy of perseverance will live with you forever. Though you may not have achieved to your highest aspirations in SC, you've created the groundwork for achievement in life.
Good read, thanks for sharing the story with us. I hope this story will serve as both reality check and motivation for aspiring gamers in the crossroads.
Looking at reality, it was a stupid, stupid move. And I'm not talking in retrospect here, It was a seriously stupid move even if I couldn't know the outcome of it yet, because I had nothing secured, I was too impatient, and decided it's either now or never. I basically went fultime without any financial security at all, with no promises of a raise in salary, with a shitty computer that could barely handle 200/200 battles. It was basically my almost two years urge of going fulltime overriding my mind, and I simply told myself "It'll work out in one way or another". Knowing it was incredibly naive to say so. But to give myself some credit, I did at least secure a spot at my university, meaning I could return after 6 or 12 months, not having to start over or re-apply. And also,I had a budget worked out that would last me at least 4 months, if I just restricted my money to food, rent, phone bill and other necessary supplies like hygiene products etc. This budget was pretty much my savings from prize money and other small stuff like streaming, doing sponsor stuff, etc.
^^ that sums me up.
It is really sad to see you go but I completely understand what you are going through. I wish you the best at school and in your future careers. Hopefully those fast hands will come in handy *wink-wink ;; haha.
But seriously, good luck in school. It's good to know that you aren't falling back on nothing and have an opportunity to go to a university.
Finally if you are considering a progaming career I have one advice
- If you truly want to become a progamer, don't let this discourage you, in fact, I would love to see more people making a serious attempt at it. If you truly want something in your life, you should always go ahead and just try it. My only advice is make sure you are not in between things when you decide to do this. The optimal time to aim for a progaming career would be before college/uni studies, and or before you've gone too far in your work career. Progaming is most suitable for the really young, lets say from ages 15-19, where you don't have the same responsibilties or commitments as someone in their mid or late 20s.
I completely agree. Its evil to live backwards.
Later broseph. Hope to see you lurking around TL every now and then ^^
MerZ with you going, it feels like there is a definite feeling, at least for me, that the old guard is leaving. Good luck in the future MerZ, stay close to SC2 .
Great post and good luck with uni! It takes a lot of courage to put a stable life and financial security on hold in order to pursue something you're passionate about.
Good luck in the future merz, but this doesn't need to be a goodbye to the TL community. You can still hang out, play the game from time to time and have fun. Plus, there's always CSL when you go back to school for something fun to do and still Star2 competitive ^^
I'm now back at University, and I intend to finish my education with top grades from here on. I've made it my new competitive goal to simply "pwn" school, because I never really gave that an honest shot either due to SC2 taking up all the free time I had.
I've regained my financial security and studying actually feels fun and rewarding again, and even if things went really bad and horrible for a while, I'm never going to say that I regret the decision of going full time. It was something I HAD to do, yes it ended up in pain and suffering for the most part, but it also gave me closure. I can now look back on progaming and say I tried it out, I got to be part of it all, and now I'm done with it. I will (hopefully) never be that guy who says "Well I could've been a superstar once if I just focused on practicing rather than school, but I chose not to" Because I tried, and it didn't work out.
A somewhat happy ending to a sad tale. I'm glad you're back on track now. I shook your hand and got your autograph at MLG Anaheim 2011. I didn't think much of it at the time, but looking back, it was fortunate that I was able to meet such a courageous individual. Thank you for sharing your experiences, giving us average citizens a candid look at the joys and hardships of pursuing a dream. Best of luck to you in whichever direction you take in the future!
I've made it my new competitive goal to simply "pwn" school
Being good at school is only that, being good at school. Learn to be good at things that are advantageous on whatever career path you take. Putting conscious effort on being good with people can be great, for example.
Good read. You seem like a smart guy. Having had some experiences with a similar life style, I can add one thing.. study what you love. If you love your studies and work, then it can be just as good as pro gaming. Not having to worry about results all the time is really, really good for mental health.
I would say that, while being somewhat young is advantageous in many ways for aspiring gamers, the stress can be really difficult to handle for a 15 year old.
One of my favorite Terrans! T.T You were one of the reasons why I bought the Dignitas sweater... I never did have the courage to talk to you at events...
NOOOOOO, you just made me sad! atleast i rembember your sick apm and how funny games you bought up, gl in future hopefully you will still watch Esports
Watched your stream from time to time and quite enjoyed it.Also liked ur "uninterested" voice while commentating. Eventhough you maybe regret all the (wasted) time you put into it you should know it was the thing you liked the most at that time, but more important, you met a lot of new people and visited different countries,something that many others can only dream of. Good luck with the studies
Sad to read and I'm sorry the esports life didn't work out for you buddy, i hope you know I will never forget my game vs merz. Wish you all the best mate <3
Great read. I think despite your relative lack of success, your journey is still admirable. It takes a lot of will and self determination to take a big leap like that and choose to devote your whole life to a videogame. Many people will never have this kind of courage.
Have you considered doing something e-sports related, like casting or hosting events? Your know-how is something a lot of other people lack and could maybe be put to good use in the field if you felt inclined to do so.
Whatever you choose to do from now on, I wish you the best of luck! Lycka till dig!
I still remember your FPVODs of terran from a long time ago in BW. They helped me immensely back then, and since then, I had been cheering for you as a darkhorse in every tournament.
Glad you're happy with where you're going, regardless of what it is. Good luck merz!
Shit Merz... I´ve always looked at you and seen a awesome player. I´m glad you made this post since it´s your story and I guess that everyone on TL liked it!
I actually tried the "full time gaming" thing myself this summer as i had one month of complete free time, and i thought "let's see what it's like". After one week of playing 9 hours a day, despite feeling really significant improvements, i was like "no way i can do this for longer".
That week gave me a ton of respect for people that have the motivation to keep playing full time for so long, kudos to you.
Thanks for all those hours of streaming, I really enjoyed it! I hope all goes well and you will keep making appearences in the community and maybe, just maybe you will make a comeback at some point..and in that case, rest assured you have at least one fan waiting
I think I played you in the last TSL4 and I felt pretty good cause I had kept up with you for the first 8-9 minutes before you completely just crushed my defense (no bunker!!! T__T)
but it was a lot of fun cause I felt like even if I wasn't trying to be a pro, that I could keep up in some way or another.
On November 09 2012 07:33 ketomai wrote: I still remember your FPVODs of terran from a long time ago in BW. They helped me immensely back then, and since then, I had been cheering for you as a darkhorse in every tournament.
Glad you're happy with where you're going, regardless of what it is. Good luck merz!
YES thank you for those because of you I achieved C rank on iCCup !
If you go through life like you did through progaming, im sure you will be a sucessful person.
I remember watching your FPVODs back in the day, and it really helped me on the BW iCCup ladder. I would catch your games whenever I could when I heard you went pro. I don't even really watch/play StarCraft anymore, but I recognize how positive of an effect you were here on TL (over on the old Strat forums). Thanks for the memories.
Best of luck in your future endeavors, schooling, career, and in life.
Great post Merz! You were always one of my favorite players, I still remember seeing the first rep of you in bw probably in 2008 or something, "Holy shit it's possible for a non korean to have 400apm?"
Seems like more and more Terran players quitting these days. It's not a coincidence.
This was such a great parting message. I wish I had payed more attention to your presence while you were around, but there is one game I'll never forget, which you'd never have remembered: a 2v2 I played against you. A high masters zerg with tons of WC3 background, it's very rare that anyone gets the better of me in micromanagement and skirmishing. But you did, and for once I wasn't even mad about a loss. Oh, it sucked. But there was little to make of it other than the respect I had for the way you'd just played around me. I still appreciate the sensations I experienced from that, and will always respect your skill.
I can, through the emotion that I am experiencing at the time of this sentence, express a sadness for your departure from us in the capacity as a talented player. While you may rightly identify yourself as average among the above average, I should hope that you never forget that you were truly above average. As a top m asters player, I'm in the top 1% of the playing community. And what did I, or will I ever have on you? Not much, man. Not much.
Wishing you the best in whatever you do next in life Having confidence in you comes easily, to me. <3
Got to say I've been reading and watching your interviews / blogs for a long time and I think you really will succeed in life, since you always seemed to have a realistic outlook on life in general.
At least you tried it and at least you were a part of something great. That can never be taken away from you.
I could write a post as long as yours to comment it. But I wont, it should be too long. Good luck, and more than everything else have fun in your life. It was good to see you play at time.
Never underestimate how many people enjoyed your games, even though you might have not been the most successful progamer in the history of SC2. Thank you for that, and the best of luck for you studies/future!!!
Major respect for anyone who takes a risk pursuing something they're passionate about, even if it doesn't quite work out the way they hope. Good luck on everything that comes next!
All the best bro plz be sure to write posts and stay active within the community. I remember watching your stream and really enjoying your gameplay. <3 Hope to see you in the community in some shape or form
Merz, I really enjoyed watching you in the team leagues. Your teammate Select was my favorite player but after his matches, it was you and Bischu who inspired me to keep watching Dignitas play. Best of luck in the future.
Reading this made me really sad, but I hope best of luck to you in school and life. Merz, thank you for entertaing us with your games and being part of this community.
Appreciate your honesty and contributions to the SC2 scene, I don't think that people think as much as they do on the personal/financial repercussions of pursuing a passion that is simply too competitive and difficult to succeed in. While we don't always reach the dreams we wanted, you did your best, and at least you followed your dream to as far as you could, and for that, I applaud you. Best wishes in your future Tim
Remember reading a blogpost of your on your life as a semi-progamer, really made me respect you a lot. Gl for your future, I think it was the right move.
Good luck with your studies man. Great that you took the opportunity to try and chase your dreams. Even though it wasn't successful achievement wise, you still seem to have gotten a lot out of it.
excellent read, i remember seeing you for the first time at i43, and you did really well getting to (i think the finals) or very close, and playing the longest tvt i have ever seen! but yeah, i saw you at i44 too and it was nice coming in to the scene having people i could recognise and look too for good games. This is really sad for me, but it sounds like your university degree is going to stand you in good sted! my film technology degree has done nothing for me so far so i hope you're doing something different! GLHF in everything you do in life.
The first time I heard of you was when I was watching Demuslim streaming 1v1 on an esl show, first game he hit you, he stated something like "this guy is really, really, hard to beat" on the loading screen. Merz? I must remember that name I thought
Good luck in everything you do, Merz. It was great to meet you and the rest of Dignitas at MLG! Like you said, at least you tried. But just because you're done competing doesn't mean you have to leave altogether. You can always become a spectator like the rest of us.
I don't think you made a bad call, though. You were (are) young enough to take a significant risk with something that you were passionate about. I mean for the mere investment of a calendar year or less being full-time, you were able to determine that this is not your path. People toil and stagnate for years in many professions before they make such a call. So I think you got out at the right time for yourself.
There's really only 2 ways for players to "make it big:" being among the best in the world, or being a marketable likeable (or controversial) figure. With the latter, you don't even have to be good at the game. I need not mention examples. So what that leaves is a sea of people who may or may not have low salaries at all, missing winnings money, and struggle just to break into tournaments, since there are thousands and thousands of people with your exact goals and determination. I can understand the appeal. Getting paid to play a video game. What a life! Stephano almost makes 100k on salary alone. (Major) tournament winnings can last a good while if you get them. And if you are good enough, the sponsor/streaming revenue goes up because you are a more desired product. But there is such a small percentage that qualify for any high payouts, particularly foreigners.
Thanks for talking about actual issues, particularly the naivete and weakness of players having no life experience and no support of a union. I completely agree.
You're lucky to have such supporting parents. I want you to know I know all to well how you feel. My parents helped me out during a really tough period, and although I am grateful, all I usually feel is guilt. Having such good and helpful parents but not performing near my personal expectations (or even theirs perhaps) was quite a burden.
Merz, I have nothing but respect for you ever since bw days. I remember the time you had no honor and chose P in scbw. But i still respected you b/c you didn't just make carriers.
On a serious note, I will always remember and cherish our games. It probably didn't mean much to you but to me as an upcoming player I always saw you as an awesome player. (you and morrow for some reason really stuck with me, then later bratok)
I'm very sad about this but i wish you a ton of luck in the future. You're an accomplished player in both games, and I really belive you could do whatever you want in life and be successful.
Bye Merz, glhf. Believe it or not I did enjoy your bw fpvods and your insane apm Loved it when you played team melee against some pros as well. Thanks for all your work and time.
Very sorry to see you go, but really impressed with your mature approach to the whole situation. I think you've made the right long-term choice, and wish you every success in school!
One of the best things to read on TL, because its so full of happiness due to you living the dream, but at the same time keeping life so close at hand, Such a gentlemen in the community, you will definatly be missed allot merz, but goodluck with the studies and i hope you keep in touch with the TL community!
I have to thank you for showing a lot of great games Merz. The insane finals at i43 were what got all of my friends into StarCraft after I'd been excited about it for months, it was the first series most of them properly watched and you and Fargo both played brilliantly. I'm grateful you showed such great games for your fans.
Ah man... really getting old. Sad to see you go merz. We had good and bad times in both Broodwar and Starcraft 2. I wish you best of luck, hope you still follow the scene even though you won't play anymore ;;... you know, everyone is coming back or at least not quitting, at least not forever.
I feel the need to support you with my own story after reading this,because in a way it's very alike and i can really feel we're on the same page.
When i was a teenager,and wow just kicked in grabbing most of the playing pool from Wc3,i was just entering the gaming world or Warcraft-The Frozen Throne.I started in a moderate way,enjoying the game,but my competitive pulse got the best of me,and suddenly,without realizing,after one year inside the game i was top 500 europe in 1v1.I was in an ESL team back then,and had the honor to play with players like sk.Deadman and others.I worshipped 4k,mostly grubby,even tho i was an undead player.
I was spending 8-12 hours a day playing the game,watching replays,training and laddering.Sleeping at school,losing one year and being like a zombie,with only the dream to become a pro player.I was a kid back then,and about the time i hit 16,i realized the road was way too big for me,considering the fact that i had an education to achieve,and eventually university.And mostly,even tho i was good at it,i was just a kid playing computer games all day to the rest of the world.
At the age of 18 i started playing online poker,Texas Hold'em,riding the big boom which the game brought to the whole world.It was the year before my last one in high school,and again i reached a point where i was grinding NL100/NL200 cash game,playing 18 tables on 2 monitors for 8-10 hours a day.I had a sponsor,and never given one single euro into the game from my own pocket,so i can say without arrogance that i was a sponsored online poker player back then.
Even tho i was able to financially sustain myself from age 18-early 20,making an average well above my high school teachers,the rest of my life was a big big mess.I was constantly underachieving in my studies,my family was supporting me and yet,there was no balance in my life.At the age of 20,last year,i stopped playing holdem,because i was stagnant at my level,and i realized that everybody needs perspective in his own life.And that perspective was non existant,even if i were able to make it big in Wc3/Poker,still,i would've been on shaky grounds,with basically no plan B in my life.
Last part of my story regards Sc2.I started playing it last year,and reached immediatly High diamond.After 1 month,i finally broke the masters barrier,and i felt like the progamer dream could live on on a different form.And again,i faced the reality of my final year of high school.Playing Sc2 or losing another year of school.After seeing me being shattered 2 times,you can imagine what i chose.And i can say with no doubt that i made the right call.
Right now im 21,nearly 22.Im at the second year of university,studying Statistics and Information management.I have an internship going on,and next summer i will get a month of stage in a company which works on statistical analisys.These days im working on my cv to a big company which offers Erasmus programs,and with the right turn of event,i will eventually make it.I will be on my second year of university with 3 working experiences on my back,before even getting my degrees.In my country(Italy),students get that kind of experience only 1-2 years after they finish university.And i' counting to never stop,because i want to gather as much oppostunities as i get.
That been said,i hope my story,even in a small way,can make you feel a little better about yourself.Not because of the story itself,but because there is a big concept behind it:Winners never quit;quitters never win.,only on a different perspective.
Winners will always win,whatever they do,and quitters will always quit,whatever they do.My goal has become global,and not local anymore as it was in the past years.
Therefore,i will struggle for the rest of my life to be a winner in everything i do,because trust me,a winner will always find his best field to win.And every winner can tell you,that even if he chose the field,there's the big truth where the field itself chose him.
If you are a winner,you will win.End of story.Maybe progaming was not your field,that's all.
merz, you're one of the guys i like the most within e-sports. We didn't spend a ton of time together but I did truly enjoy the tournaments the both of us went to; I will never forget our New York trip! I am glad that you at least gave pro-gaming a shot, since you are a very passionate guy. It would have been a shame if you at least didn't try it out.
I wish you all the best in the future and I hope that you don't blame yourself too much about your "Stupid decision". GLHF at the Uni!
I think you will look back on this and say, "I'm glad I did that" because no matter what, you've learned from it and you're going to be the person you are because of the experience. No one can ever be blamed for trying and failing because they learn more than all.
Bye Merz, All the best with Uni, you will be missed
I must admit i never watched any of your games, but just hearing through the grape vine about you blazing apm speed makes you a name that even someone like me who didnt follow you will remember for a long time to come
Minns dig från dom gamla b.net broodwar dagarna. Terran, APM och fpvods. När ditt namn dök upp i SC2 scenen så hoppades jag få se dig klättra i listorna, senast jag såg var resultatet från WCS som du skriver om, olyckligt... Inte det slutet du tänkt dig men ändå, vilken upplevelse! Du gjorde det många av oss drömt om sedan vi såg koreanerna i OSL/MSL.
i ve read jinro's good bye post too, and these too had too much in common in my opinion. what i figured out is that, both of them kind of touched/realized their dreams and it kind of lost its charm. meeting and playing in the same tournament with their legends such as nada and boxer, discussing strategies and such, used to be something unreachable, but once it is realized it lost its charm. that makes me think about that in other matters, life, gaming goals if it is better to have them as "dreams" rather than reaching them. cause that way u can enjoy dreaming about them and maybe even sharpen yourself on your way to trying to reach them. i am not saying be some kind of sisyphus, just suggesting/thinking that we might realize the dream when we are ready to chase an other one, cause it ll lose the charm anyway.
i personally still have that goal for me to watch a tournament live on the spot in which boxer himself takes place and go back stage and shake his hand after the tournament, congratulate him and thank him for all those awesome moments he created and made us experience. also if possible play a game vs him and have my ass handed to me so since he quit progaming this is something that will never happen, maybe i still can go watch him live when he is coaching but as i postpone this, it has good chance of being skipped. so my point is there should be a balance of chasing something u want ultimately and reaching it.
i ve never been a good sc player (bw or sc2) but loved the game deeply. always wanted to do something for the game and be a part of it. during the days of sc:bw i had the chance to be the turkish team leader and event manager in gg.net, and enjoyed it very much for a year or maybe a bit more. i think i can name myself succesful or at least not unsuccesful but at the end things started to lose their charm as i went on and at the end i had to quit both responsibilities due to non-gaming responsibilities. that again makes me take, touch your dream and be ready to lose its charm.
well i am just blabbering here so thx if u have made it here reading. just seeing merz and jinro quit and have similar reasons for it made me think those. i am not saying they both stopped bec of exactly the same reasons and their situations are same but there are similarities.
so gl merz in your uni studies and non gaming life. gg
Mate, you took the right decision and I think that is is important to make your thoughts public.
You show the kids here that someone can't just simply give up school or what ever in order to become a pro. There is a real life, if you want to face it or not. There will be a day when you have to pay your bills.
Good luck with your law school and enjoy SC2 in your spare time as much as you want!
EPT
I am sure of one thing, my competitive career within e-sports is done, and it's given me a lot of valueable and fun experiences that I'll always carry with me for the rest of my life. 
so since he quit progaming this is something that will never happen, maybe i still can go watch him live when he is coaching but as i postpone this, it has good chance of being skipped. so my point is there should be a balance of chasing something u want ultimately and reaching it.
