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Parent rage blog #13: For old time’s sake
It’s been a while since I’ve written a full length blog. Especially a full length parent rage blog, but I’m going back to my roots with this good old rant, just before I go to college. Much of what caused my anger has been resolved, but recently there has been a lot of stuff which has just been extremely frustrating and I have not been able to deal with to my satisfaction. I’m fairly sure I’m in the right in this situation. Then again, I thought I was before, and looking back, both parties were at fault, and at times it was primarily me.
I’m a legal adult. Woohoo. I’ll be heading to UCSD in just a couple weeks. Throughout my blogs people have reminded me I just need to hold on until college. Well, college is almost here, and the closer it gets the more difficult it is to deal with the issues at home.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/s8GHn.jpg)
So I've heard
The one issue at stake is control. Control over what I do, how I do it, and what it means. My mom has gone absolutely nuts the last week while I get ready for college. Demanding to see a four year plan for all the courses I will take for my major (which is changeable at best, and tentative at worst), and attempting to dictate what items I bring for college. There aren’t a whole lot of big ticket disputes. The only one which is ridiculous, is my parents helping me move in for college.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate them coming down and helping me move in, but my mom just doesn’t know when to stop. She keeps on talking about all the shopping she’ll do, and everything I’ll need to buy. Furthermore, she has gone on several rants about how she will make sure I’m organized. (Ie buy a shoe rack, put CONTACT PAPER IN DRAWERS.) I understand that she feels this is important, but I do not want to have contact paper, or have a shoe rack. If I refuse she simply steamrolls me and buys it anyways, and if I say yes, I end up with a useless shoe rack. Hence, pragmatically I should agree, but it feels wrong to agree to something if I have no real intention of using it.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/pE5bB.jpg)
The retarded source of a dispute...
More annoyingly in the short run are the demands of what I bring. Recently she suggested I bring a sleeping bag to college. A yoga ball to college. A medical thermometer to college. I actually have a tendency to over pack, but I’m trying to address my minor hoarding tendencies. Instead she just insists I take everything that I have a chance of bringing. Although I have clearly and calmly laid out why I do not want these items, they are still purchased, and I need to bring them against my will.
In the long run, I can probably get rid of any extraneous items that get purchased. Remove contact paper. Mostly it’s just a social issue. I don’t really want my mom running around trying to micromanage how my dorm room is set up. I don’t want her getting involved in a process that I am very capable of dealing with. The general advice I have received is to ignore her. However, I am reluctant to do so because of the following.
1) She will never admit fault, or respect others opinions. Whether it is her mother, her sister, her friends, or her family she never admits her opinion could be wrong.
2) She has little sense of shame, and little respect for personal stuff. I’ve been in situations when she feels I’ve done something wrong, so she tells somebody something about me which is thoroughly private, and would be wrong to disclose.
3) Even if I tell her no, she will attempt to do it.
Pragmatically I just have to let her walk all over me for the next two weeks or so. Dictate if I get an iron. What detergent I get. How much detergent I get. If I need a desk organizer. What needs to be in a first aid kit. Let her get one last planning high before I leave. Still, I am extremely frustrated about this attempt to dictate what I do when I go to college, despite the fact that I am fully capable of making decisions on what I need to bring, even if our opinions differ. She may attempt to embarrass me or simply go nuclear if I attempt to stop her, so I should just let her do whatever. At least how I see it.
My main question is should I even try to resist this pre-college planning spree in which she tries to dictate what I bring, overruling my decisions, or should I try to halt it. If I attempt to halt it, what steps should I take? Or am I being irrational?
Also I ran into myself in the IPL TAC Liquid documentary part 2  I have HoTS beta, but by the time I'm at UCSD I'll be busy, and I don't have the upload to stream it now 
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/9uX54.png)
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Hong Kong9153 Posts
oh so that's where you were sitting, lol
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Were you dressed in a ninja costume? haha
Hm...be wary of Triton Eye. Just sayin'. But yeah the CSL team=win.
The infamous college triangle is mostly true (and the joke is that at UCB it's pick one, and UCB engineering is pick none ), I guess, and watch out for terrible, terrible roommates even though you really don't have much say in the matter usually.
Based on what you've said before, it indeed might be folly to try to stop her. You could let her buy whatever, and go rearrange everything or sell/give stuff away after she's left you to your own devices? You can tell she's meaning well but being way too protective about it etc, but she's just going too far and whatnot.
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On September 06 2012 14:37 itsjustatank wrote:
oh so that's where you were sitting, lol
Yes.
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On September 06 2012 14:37 Aerisky wrote:Were you dressed in a ninja costume? haha Hm...be wary of Triton Eye. Just sayin'. But yeah the CSL team=win. The infamous college triangle is mostly true (and the joke is that at UCB it's pick one, and UCB engineering is pick none ), I guess, and watch out for terrible, terrible roommates even though you really don't have much say in the matter usually. Based on what you've said before, it indeed might be folly to try to stop her. You could let her buy whatever, and go rearrange everything or sell/give stuff away after she's left you to your own devices? You can tell she's meaning well but being way too protective about it etc, but she's just going too far and whatnot.
My roommate is super quiet. Nice, extremely quiet guy as far as I can tell.
Well, she wants me to go out and buy stuff with my own money. It's sorta ridic.
Oh no triton eye.
And no, no ninja costume. Just a green sweatshirt with my arms up. That's not a great picture.
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Is this your first time away from home? If so, it's possible that the increase in your mother's activity is merely an attempt by her to mask her true feelings. Not wanting you to leave, yet at the same time not wanting to hold you back. My advice is to allow her to continue on as she is doing. And when it's time to leave, explain to her gently that you can't take a lot of the stuff with you. Be gentle, but also be firm and resolute. Not only will you not have to take all that extra stuff with you, but in her eyes it will also demonstrate that you're not afraid of standing by your decisions. Something she is probably worrying about once you're on your own.
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On September 06 2012 14:39 Froadac wrote:Show nested quote +On September 06 2012 14:37 Aerisky wrote:Were you dressed in a ninja costume? haha Hm...be wary of Triton Eye. Just sayin'. But yeah the CSL team=win. The infamous college triangle is mostly true (and the joke is that at UCB it's pick one, and UCB engineering is pick none ), I guess, and watch out for terrible, terrible roommates even though you really don't have much say in the matter usually. Based on what you've said before, it indeed might be folly to try to stop her. You could let her buy whatever, and go rearrange everything or sell/give stuff away after she's left you to your own devices? You can tell she's meaning well but being way too protective about it etc, but she's just going too far and whatnot. My roommate is super quiet. Nice, extremely quiet guy as far as I can tell. Well, she wants me to go out and buy stuff with my own money. It's sorta ridic. Oh no triton eye. And no, no ninja costume. Just a green sweatshirt with my arms up. That's not a great picture.
Oh, you're really lucky then. Benefit of a solid school like UCSD also, I suppose 
And oh.....yeah that's pretty silly... as if you're not going to be poor enough from college without buying useless things -__-;
Oh hahaha, yeah I was wondering what was going on :D
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On September 06 2012 15:04 krndandaman wrote:
I understand where you're coming from, but you're only gonna have to deal with this for a bit more. Just accept what she gives you and you decide if you're gonna use it or not later. Who knows it might come in handy or you can give it to your roommate to use. Just avoid conflict for now. She won't be able to do this when you're gone and have responsibility over your own life.
This is sort of what I concluded, but I sort of wanted to vent a bit. It's good to know my assessment was somewhat on mark though.
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Just be happy to know that she cares a lot about you, that makes it pretty obvious. If she's doing it just to get her control high, it's going to be her last one, just let her do it I'd say. If she's making you buy the stuff, screw that. Just oblige her for a bit.
By the way, did you make it to Anaheim?
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On September 06 2012 15:11 Dalguno wrote:
Just be happy to know that she cares a lot about you, that makes it pretty obvious. If she's doing it just to get her control high, it's going to be her last one, just let her do it I'd say. If she's making you buy the stuff, screw that. Just oblige her for a bit.
By the way, did you make it to Anaheim?
Surgery got bumped up, so no.
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Pretty much the conclusion you came to is the right one.
Let her walk over you for 2 weeks. Then throw out all the shit.
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about the triangle: you can have all 3 if you put some effort in it (but most ppl I know simply go the easy way and don't care much about the grades )
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On September 06 2012 17:47 Flip9 wrote:about the triangle: you can have all 3 if you put some effort in it (but most ppl I know simply go the easy way and don't care much about the grades )
effort != sleep
What does your dad think about this?
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chill dude. my parents loaded me up too and didn't listen when I said I didn't need it, so I would just sell the stuff on eBay or craigslist and give them back the money they paid for it. I usually sold it for as much as they spent buying it (since they were such insane bargain hunters too)
Kept doing this until they quit.
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On September 06 2012 18:05 imPermanenCe wrote:Show nested quote +On September 06 2012 17:47 Flip9 wrote:about the triangle: you can have all 3 if you put some effort in it (but most ppl I know simply go the easy way and don't care much about the grades ) effort != sleep What does your dad think about this?
The key is to work efficient. Doing things like preparing for your next lesson, doing your homework etc.
(Edit: I guess you mean effort = no sleep, which is true in some cases)
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You should be happy your parents want to buy you stuff for your apartment and help you oragnize. Some people dont have these skills or any organization
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If I were you, I'd get my father as support. I'd tell him she overdoes it and I appreciate her concers and don't want to hurt her feelings by rejecting anything, but that I'm an adult and need to prove to myself I can get things done myself.
He'd than take care of her.
Of course you could also just sit her down and talk to HER about it.
Tell her you appreciate everything she does for you, but that you need to prove to yourself that you can handle things alone or there would be no point to moving out. Then promise you'll come to her first if you're ever in need of help. Boom.
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sounds a bit whiney. I know my share of people that really had it hard at home and moved out as soon as possible, one of them even before being of legal age. Of course it comes with quite a bit of hassle, stuff like working for your own money and going to government offices and not having Iphones (hyperbole!).
Are your parents financing your college education?
edit: What happens if she goes nuclear? I have a hard time imagining an adult throwing a temper tantrum for any prolonged period of time.
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A bit whiney.
They are paying for tuition, not other costs.
She basically has a fit for a couple weeks, makes life hell until I leave for college. It's rather immature as you imply.
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Overpacking is one of the worst problems anyone faces move-in/move out. Getting rid of any extraneous stuff--even post move-in is essential, as it'll make the process of moving out much smoother.
There are probably thousands of international students who bring little more than a laptop and two suitcases of clothes.
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I'm definitely choosing sleep !
Btw, is your college far from home ? That migh come in handy in the future. ^^
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On September 07 2012 11:01 LunaSea wrote:
I'm definitely choosing sleep !
Btw, is your college far from home ? That migh come in handy in the future. ^^
It's pretty far. Like 11 hour drive.
And yes, it is.
in terms of getting rid of random stuff, yeah, I plan on it. I just want ot bring clothes, wallet, watch, computer, pocket knife, water bottle, some first aid stuff, some drugs, that's it.
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TLADT24920 Posts
As mentioned, you should be happy that she cares. I think most parents will go into overdrive and overpack because they worry that you won't be able to take care of yourself. It's understandable. I would just try to talk to her about it and even if she still disagrees, allow her to help you out and if you don't agree, then just remove or sell the stuff, etc... She is only trying to do what is in your best interest.
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On September 07 2012 16:22 BigFan wrote:
As mentioned, you should be happy that she cares. I think most parents will go into overdrive and overpack because they worry that you won't be able to take care of yourself. It's understandable. I would just try to talk to her about it and even if she still disagrees, allow her to help you out and if you don't agree, then just remove or sell the stuff, etc... She is only trying to do what is in your best interest.
yeah. there is some truth to that. mostly I'm just frustrated by the hugely negative reaction I get when I try to bring it up in conversation.
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TLADT24920 Posts
On September 07 2012 16:28 Froadac wrote:Show nested quote +On September 07 2012 16:22 BigFan wrote:
As mentioned, you should be happy that she cares. I think most parents will go into overdrive and overpack because they worry that you won't be able to take care of yourself. It's understandable. I would just try to talk to her about it and even if she still disagrees, allow her to help you out and if you don't agree, then just remove or sell the stuff, etc... She is only trying to do what is in your best interest. yeah. there is some truth to that. mostly I'm just frustrated by the hugely negative reaction I get when I try to bring it up in conversation.
hmm, like most adults, your mom might be thinking along the lines of, I'm older and more experienced so I know what's better. Even though you are only trying to lessen her work by telling her that you can take care of yourself and such, she still won't see that until you finish your first year and are still alive lol. At that point, she might start to slowly recognize that you are indeed able to take care of yourself and there is a greater chance that she will listen to you next time so ya, you're going to have to just put up with the hugely negative reaction for now
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EPT
