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UPDATE
Thank you all for your nice tips. I have to say that I thought about them a lot and I tried to put them to practise. In fact, last week was very nice and I did not think about this issue 
I thought that I was healing, but then these last days have been terrible. Yesterday I discussed with my girl and I started crying in her arms. I do not remember exactly what triggered this, but I suppose it is a mix of things. By analizing myself, I found another component of what could be the problem: I am terrible afraid and paranoic about STDs. REALLY paranoic. The fact that she always did sex without condom makes me sick. She checked for STDs last year and was clean, but in the span of 6 months before meeting me she had sex with 2-3 guys and I always find myself wondering between thoughts like 'oh my God, what if one of them was sick...' 'stop thinking about this crap, you know them and they are ok persons'. In particular one of this stories, the guy she met in the morning and in the evening they had sex, they still did it without condom. How stupid can you be? I am just not able to 'save' her on this point. If a friend of mine would tell me that his girl/a girl he knows did this and that, I would easily call her a slut and I would not dare to do things with her. Difficult situation, eh?
So I wanted to save this relationship and therefore I decided for a drastical solution: I called a psychologist and next monday I am going to her office to try to solve my problems. It is really a new thing for me and I am a bit anxious about sharing these thoughts with a professional, but I want to do it.Thank you for your support, Team Liquid it is thank to you that I decided to call a psychologist. I will keep updating as the situation evolves. Thanks!
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On August 30 2012 02:23 SoSexy wrote:I have to say I did not expect all these beautiful responses It is really heartwarming to read your opinions on this matter. I just want to clarify few things: 1) Yes, I talked with her a lot about this thing, and I still do. She said that she cannot change the past, but she wants to do everything in her power to make me go over this obsession of the past. 2) I am not afraid at all of losing her! The problem is not 'she did things, so she may do them again'. It is rather 'she did things and I cannot undo them'. 3) Thinking 'I did weird stuff do' does not help me. I regret many things I have done, and I think I would have become the person I am today even without them. 4) In the end, I know where I am wrong, I know what to do to feel better, but it is just difficult to do it. I spoke with a friend of mine whom girlfriend had a difficult past and he told me 'you know, sometimes it still hurts, but time will help you a lot' And one final question which has been bugging me quite a bit: do you think it is better to know everything of your lover's past, or do you prefer to stay in the dark? I am not sure, because there are things she told me that even if in the beginning were hard to swallow, nowadays I sort of interiorized them. However, maybe it is better to just concentrate on the future... no idea. What is your shot on this?
NONE OF THE THINGS SHE DID WERE WRONG!
Drill that into your mind. You can't expect your wife to be a virgin but you being allowed to have sex. What about the girls you had sex with be fore her? Won't they be in the same situation? Don't you want to murder yourself for having sex with them?
I really cannot understand why you feel how you feel, for me it's impossible to imagine a reason for it simply because I can't imagine how I could ever expect that a woman stays a virgin until she meets me. How does she know when she can stop waiting? How do you know you two are right for eachother and you won't end up being part of eachother's past?
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Hmm dakalro, I think you misunderstood some of the points. The problem is not the fact that she had sex with someone: the problem is the way she did it, careless and without respect of her body, giving herself to people who used her and treat her like shit. Moreover, I have not any double standard here: I feel terribly bad for some things I did in my past and I wish I could change them. I do not understand why she is not mad at me for that...
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Good luck! I hope the psychologist can help you deal with this in a better way.
You said you talked this through with her, maybe it'd help if she got tested again?
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You sound extremely immature, judgmental, and possessive. She had a one-night-stand while on holidays... so bloody what? That is completely normal. That's not disrespecting her body or "giving her body" to people to 'use' her and 'treat her like shit'. Quite the opposite, that's her doing what SHE wants with HER body. You're the one that's likely to make her feel like shit for judging her based off such shallow nonsense, not her causal lovers.
This is a problem with YOU, not her.
EDIT: Missed your last post. Good work on contacting a psychiatrist. Ignore the acid tone in my post.
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On September 13 2012 02:26 TheKwas wrote:
You sound extremely immature, judgmental, and possessive. She had a one-night-stand while on holidays... so bloody what? That is completely normal. That's not disrespecting her body or "giving her body" to people to 'use' her and 'treat her like shit'. Quite the opposite, that's her doing what SHE wants with HER body. You're the one that's likely to make her feel like shit for judging her based off such shallow nonsense, not her causal lovers.
This is a problem with YOU, not her.
EDIT: Missed your last post. Good work on contacting a psychiatrist. Ignore the acid tone in my post.
Its more a matter of preference more than anything else on top of his paranoia of contracting disease (not unlikely considering her past, that seems irresponsible at best). Some people are simply not as comfortable with the concept of promiscuity as others (i'm personally not). Even if it was what she wanted, it has a sort of implication on her character and her ability to separate emotions from sex. The OP could just be an individual who prefers an emotional investment in the act and expects his partner to share this value. I'm sure if she had long term relationships or more serious relationships, this wouldn't be as much of a problem. But a random one night stand without protection for just sex doesn't comply with the OP. It's a highly intimate activity for a lot and less so for others.
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I would not want a girlfriend who is very promiscuous either. But you sir, are totally freaking out.
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I think his freaking out is somewhat understandable given just how high he places her (too high, obviously).
I really do understand how he feels sort of. It's that he loves her so much and it sort of breaks his heart to know that she did have relationships with other people. Think the Great Gatsby. Though we all know how that ended, so learning to accept that in the girl who presumably really is the girl of your dreams (also so many amazing coincidences ^^) is very important. I will probably struggle with this too, and I don't know whether I'll end up marrying someone who is a virgin or not, but personally I will try to remain one and marry one as well just for some personal reasons, so I do understand kind of how he feels. Certainly sleeping around yourself and expecting the one you love not to do so is a double standard.
Hope the psychologist can help you out
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The solution is to -- as painful as it might be -- to slowly carve down the perfect, ideal image of her to bring it down to more reasonable levels. Become mature enough to love her for what she is, not who you want her to be..
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<3
Many people don't think they can go to the doctor with problems of the heart. They just need a different doctor. I hope the psychologist can help you see things differently.
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When I read the blog I was gonna recommend the psychologist :p. People are usually very scared to go to one but imo it can be very helpful and it shows that you want to work on yourself and your relationship. +respect :D.
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Ok guys, I think I solved this out. I auto analyzed myself and I'm 90% sure that the issue is purely std's. So she decided to test this morning instead of monday and now we just have to wait 10-15 days for the results. This is really the only issue that could prevent us from a happy life, so hope everything gets sorted out the next time I will write here will be to post the results and (hopefully) put the word 'end' to months and months of anxiety.
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I would still visit the psychologist. Not clear if you still plan to that still... Get rid of the last 10% =)
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You're going to end up screwing it up and have tons of regret if you go down this path. You can talk to her about it but don't let it escalate to unnecessary heights.
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On September 14 2012 23:40 Dirkzor wrote:
I would still visit the psychologist. Not clear if you still plan to that still... Get rid of the last 10% =)
I agree. If you're not careful, that little nagging 10% will still rear its ugly head ... go get checked, bro. Gluck.
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LAST UPDATE
The exams have arrived today. ALL NEGATIVE!!!
I'm so happy right now you can't even imagine I want to thanks all the people who red this blog and gave me tips: it is also your part that now I can go on and live a happy life with my girl. I love you!
SoSexy (and SoHappy)
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im going through the same kinda thing with my girlfriend. cept shes my first. i was a bit further than her first lol. but i think the main question you have to ask yourself is, whats a worse feeling, the feeling of her past hurting you, or the feeling of loosing her?
if you can answer that i think you have your answer
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EPT
