|
Hello TeamLiquid, this is my first blog. I decided to share my story with you, because I would like to hear opinions from people who do not know me in real life and also because I think it is something special.
It all goes back to junior high. In Italy it lasts three years, when you are 12-14 years old. At that time you are just a kid and start to wonder about love and other magic things. I saw this girl who attended the same school: I fell in love (or whatever a 13 years old boy can feel). We started talking and texting in a very shy way. I idealized her way too much and I started to build castles in my head, things like 'she is too pretty to hang out with me or even consider me as a boyfriend'. We even went out together one day, a strange afternoon where I hold her hand but in the end she refused to kiss me. That was the last piece of the puzzle: I assumed that she did not want me and I moved on. The fact that junior high ended that year and we went to different high schools 'helped' the task.
I did not see her for all of the high school, which is 5 years. Then we started university and I casually saw her one day working at a pizza store. We talked for 3 minutes and that was all: for other 3 years I did not see her again. Then, during 2011 Christmas holidays, I went to this club with my friends and I saw her. I stopped her and we talked a bit: she was beautiful as always, but I was still thinking that she did not want me. Destiny wanted us to meet again some days later in a pub, where we talked a lot, from 22 pm to 3 am. It was me, her, a friend of mine and a (girl)friend of her. We agreed to meet again the next week, and there I discovered that she was actually in the middle of a study programme in Spain. She was just home for Christmas and in few days she would have returned back to Spain until June.
I did not think much about that: we went out all together another evening, and there I decided to go all in and invite her out the next day (2 days before her departure). Well, we went out and we kissed, so that we went out again the last day before she left. We were shocked: in love, completely. We decided to meet for Easter, but one week later I booked my tickets to visit her and so we did, seeing each other one week each month. It was crazy, and my parents were so mad at me but it was fantastic. I discovered that she liked me a lot back in junior high: she showed me her diary where she wrote things like 'I love him', but she said that she was stupid back then and aimed for older boys. Perfectly normal, I would say.
In april we did one of the craziest thing of our lifes: we rent a house together in Spain and we moved there until the end of her study period. 2 months of living together after being together for 20 days or less. It was a challenge, but we did it. I was so crazy and in love to choose to drive to her: yes, I went there by car, alone, driving from 6 am to 23 pm in a single day, just to see her. 1800 km that I will never forget.
![[image loading]](http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/4069/murciamaggiogiugno20124.jpg)
We lived wonderfully in our little house. At the end of the two months, we drove back to Italy but this time we stopped two times, so that the trip could be easier.
Everything sounds fine, right?
It should. This story is EVERYTHING I dreamed about in my life. I wanted this girl, I wanted this emotions, I wanted to do crazy things. However, there is a thing which is threating this relation: it is not her fault, it is my head. I talked about this with my friends, I red hundred of posts on the Internet, I even spoke with a friend of man who is a undergraduate in psychology. It did not help much. The problem is that I cannot seem to accept her past.
Before her, I had some girls and she had some boys. It is normal, when you meet at 23 years old. I perfectly know that this whole thing is stupid, but I cannot find a way around it. When I think about her past lovers, I feel bad. I feel really bad. It is a difficult feeling to describe: I care for her, and the idea that she gave herself to other men makes me sick.
In addition, there are some things which do not help at all:
1) I had two serious past relationships, and both were with virgin girls. They never had a boy before me, so I am not used to deal with ex boyfriends.
2) She is not friend with any of her past lovers. While I still talk and speak with some girls, because they were nice, my girlfriend does not the same with her past men. This contributes to my idea that they used her in some way, and makes me feel bad.
3) She had a lot more casual things than me. This is the stone I cannot break. In particular, there are some episodes which destroys me. The worst one is the fact that one day she was on a holiday trip and she met this guy in the morning. The same evening she went to bed with him. This is so in contrast with her image of good girl that I have, and even if she swore that she would never do a thing like that again, I cannot get this image past my mind.
So what did all this lead to? Sometimes I am acting strange. There are days where these thoughts just do not go out of my mind and I feel miserable. I do not want to break up with her, but how can I cope with this? We have completely different moral standards concerning our pasts. She is of the idea 'I learned through bad stuff'. I am of the idea 'one does not necessarly need to feel bad if he wants to be happy'.
Lately I had dreams where I would kill her ex boyfriends. This really scared me, because I am such a calm guy, I never had a fight and I refuse violence. I am so torn apart: this is what I wanted for all my life, but now I do not feel comfortable at all in it. Sometimes I think that maybe I should leave her and try to find a girl with a calm past. It is nearly impossible, I know. Many people told me 'come on man, the past is past, you are happy now with her, that is all'. Well, I do not think this is true. I would not want to go out with a murderer, even if he committed homicide twenty years ago. Have you ever felt the way I do? What did you do to cope with these awful feelings?
Thanks to everyone who red this long in the life of a complete stranger. Thank you.
SoSexy
  
|
You're being incredibly judgmental and naive I think in regards to your girlfriend - I would attribute this to your seeming lack of experience in the amount of girls you have had. "The worst one is the fact that one day she was on a holiday trip and she met this guy in the morning. The same evening she went to bed with him." This is REALLY normal - put Brad Pitt in a room full of married women and see what happens... You love the girl for who she is - not for what she has done. So accept the fact that she has a past or let her be with a man who she deserves. Also, it just seems like you're being extremely jealous for something she can't change. So grow up and get a grip on yourself.
|
Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51435 Posts
Wow, you have the "perfect girl" for you but you think she is a "bad person" because she had fun whilst she was younger? Now she is in a relationship with you, someone she loved when she was younger but you walked away from her thinking she did not like you, and now your judging her for her past. (Ok this is going to sound VERY harsh but take it with a pinch of salt) Maybe, your the reason she is like the way she was(is)? Maybe she thought, well my crush from junior high dissapeared after i refused to kiss him, maybe this guy will never speak to me if i don't go to bed with him, etcetc. Who knows, but what you do know is that she really likes you, and if you can't deal with her past you should not hurt her.
If you try and look past her past, and look towards the future you should be able to overcome this. Your working yourself up about something that isn't there. Her "boyfriends"/"one night stands" will never come back into her life, your in it now and if you want to stay there you need to forget about her past (which is no different from ANY other girl).
I honestly have no idea how to get these images/mental stress out of your head as i think it is more insecurity than anything else, your affraid of something and i don't know what as i am not a psychologist, but if you can try and look past it your obviously both in love with eachother and you will only regret it if you blow it.
Also, lol at that drive man, and i thought the drive from Worcester to Monaco was to much, 1600KM and 16hours supposedly, i think i could of done it in 15 maybe 14 to be fair but still i turned that down, which was to see Chelsea vs Atletico Madrid (which is better than any girl yo  )
|
I view it this way: you're trying to continuously create the ideal relationship you have in mind (whatever your ideals are or how they were shaped), and you're frustrated because the past is not in your control to do so. Since you view the past as tainted, your ideal relationship - and your girlfriend - is tainted in your mind. It bothers you, obviously, because you took the effort into posting this. You know this girl and this relationship is all you ever wanted, but all-you-ever-wanted turns out to be not-what-you-thought-it-would-be.
You've dedicated a lot of time, money, and effort to make this work. You've listed some impressive things here, but I'm probably right when I say that you sacrificed a lot more things to be with her. Although you know it's the wrong thing to do, you subconsciously expect more or less the same amount of dedication from her, and want to be treated as well as you treat her.
The simple answer to all this is communication, really. Oh no, some internet guy making bold assumptions when he doesn't even know how much we talk! Well, I really don't know how much you two talk on a daily basis. What matters is that you talk about what you want, and you find out what she wants, and talk to head in the same direction together. If you are willing to solve this "problem" then you clearly have to let her know that you are, and ask her if she's willing to help you through as well. I'm not saying you are to force down your beliefs on her (which she may not agree with), you are to talk to her and find out what both of you can do to make each other even happier than how things are at the present.
At the end of the day, you ask yourself if you really want things to work out. Don't hesitate to act on "yes", or "no" for that matter. Good luck!
|
Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51435 Posts
Optical Shot, TL's Dear Deidre <3 Your getting a PM when i have girl issues brah xD
|
you need to understand the basics of human sexual desire... why dont you listen to the david d'angelo audio tapes. he explains stuff like sexual attraction in males and females...and why it is not something anyone can control...you have to accept and man up to the fact that your woman will be attracted to other men and that she will want to fuck other men who are sexually attractive
|
also it sounds like the fact that you value her still so highly leads to jealousy and suspicion issues. you solve this by raising your own value and self value. if you love and respect yourself then you dont become jealous, suspicious, needy, confused and controlled. go to the gym
|
I remember this story from here.+ Show Spoiler [snip] +On August 27 2012 20:10 SoSexy wrote:I'm in love with this girl I knew in junior high, we were 12 years old at the time. I liked her a lot and went out with her one time, but she just didn't want anything from me. Then High School started and we lost each other for about 10 years, including univeristy time. One day I met her in a club: we talked a bit and she left. Destiny wanted that we met again in a pub some days later and we began to talk: we went out the next days, we kissed and man, it felt good. Ten years of waiting. By the way, in this whole process she told me that she was in love with me in junior high but girls are stupid at that age and she wanted older guys etc. The problem was that she was studying abroad for a year: I met her during Christmas holidays, so only 6 months to go :S we visited each other each month, more or less (my parents were so pissed off by the expenses for the plane tickets ) then in april I did one of the craziest things of my life: I took my car and drove to her in one day (1800 km, from Italy to southern Spain: I left at 6 am and arrived at 23 pm) and we rent a house together where we lived for two months, then we returned back by car together. I'm having a wonderful time with this girl...just lately my scumbag brain is playing tricks on me  for some reasons, I can't get past the fact that she had some relationships/boys before me. I know it's stupid, I also had some girls, but this thing is just consuming me. There are nights where I can't even sleep. I want to carry on, because I'm sure this is true love, love that makes you do crazy things like that car drive. Hope I will be able to...
I saw a video recently dealing with promiscuity and unfair expectations, where guys expected to be able to sleep around no problem, but when asked how many men they wanted their future wife to have slept with, they all said 0. Sorry, at work, can't find it now. First of all, there's quite a hipocracy there - it certainly isn't a fair expectation that is the same both ways. Its nice to finally hear young men speak out against promiscuity ^^
You are anxious about her past lovers. The thought of other men 'taking' her in the past, and potentially even now, scares and haunts you, because you now know just how valuable and precious a special lady is, and how terrible of a thing it is to defile her. It shows you really care about her that you want to protect her. Just be cautious to not get misguided and try and control her under the guise of protecting her.
Your problem is trust. The foundations are scarred, they cast serious doubt on integrity, and in themselves drive you two apart. If she really is the right girl, and if she really does care about you, the way you do her, then what you really need to do is trust her. Trust her that she will be faithful to you, that she values you above all else, and that you don't need to worry about her leaving you for someone else because she won't. "What if she does!?!?" Don't even think about that, because you should trust her enough to know she'd never do that. Well, if she does, then you'll be heartbroken and extremly sad and very hurt, but you'll move on and find some happiness eventually... BUT FOR NOW, you don't need to be sad and anxious.
Another thing though. You wanted an outside opinion, here's another one. It sounds like you are not confident and comfortable with yourself, being single. It sounds like you have a hole in your identity and self confidence, that you always fill by 'having a girl'. Well, if she's trustworthy for life, and is a strong foundation that'll never leave you, that'll be ok. But otherwise, it can be very dangerous to build 'all of who you are and what makes you you' on the basis of 'having her'. Because what happens when that foundation pulls out from under you? Your whole world crashes down around you.
Therefore I strongly urge you to learn to be OK with living single, with yourself. To realy know yourself, and be confident in who you are, without having to refer to girls to affirm your identity and confidence in yourself. I don't know how you'll take this. A good way to investigate if what I'm saying is true for you, is to ask yourself "who am I, what makes me me, am I able to drop this girl and live life ok without her [that'd suck, but may be necessairy], am I satisfied and confident with how I am, and am I the man I want to be, if not what things do I want to work on imporving" etc.
I really hope it works out for you, and that you can grow into a confident, trusting, loving, stable relationship. Speaking of building your identity not on 'I have a girl and that makes me who I am', or on material things (money, status, success), or anything that will EVER pass away. Build it on the eternal and everlasting:
+ Show Spoiler [Lecrae - Identity] +
|
What I tell myself regarding girlfriend's exes are that whatever her experiences in the past, they are a big part of what has helped make her the person that I love today. If you're not hurting anyone and everyone was consenting, then who am I to judge? Everyone makes mistakes, even though they're not all necessarily in the dating world.
I've got an ex that I look back on now and I wonder "wtf, was I drunk the whole relationship?". Love makes you do stupid things. Based on what you've said in this thread, your stupid things are different than hers, but they're still stupid things.
|
So your problem is her past? I've had a one night stand before, so has my girlfriend. I however trust her without a single doubt. The past of your partner's past is exactly that... the past. I don't like the thought of other people 'having her" in the past but its the past. It's part of what makes her who she is today. You sound rather naive.
|
intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
On August 29 2012 23:14 FFGenerations wrote:
also it sounds like the fact that you value her still so highly leads to jealousy and suspicion issues. you solve this by raising your own value and self value. if you love and respect yourself then you dont become jealous, suspicious, needy, confused and controlled. go to the gym
thisssssssss!
|
I don't know if your are naiv, or just incredible possesive! Do you think only because you drove some 1700km she belongs to you??? Who are you to critizise her past? She enjoyed her youth and made different experiences! Hell, we all make things that we ain't gonna be proud off in our wild years, what matters is that we can still look into the mirror.
She is honest to you, she is not hiding her past, she trusts you! She is willed to go with you into this difficult long-distance relationship. Look forward into it, in let the past be the past.
And when you get your attacks of jealousy: I suggets you to remember you own little "stronzate" you did in your past...
|
Have you talked to your girlfriend about this? You should. Then talk some more. And then some more.
|
Hi, i want to discuss your situation in Jungian symbolism; you did after all include a dream at the end of your girlblog.
The unconscious
Parts of one’s being exist outside of his awareness. This area “outside of awareness” is called the unconscious. Animal desires, which we consider dark and evil are found in the unconscious. sexual urge, the urge to kill, the urge to dominate, these things exist within humans. This is because “the mind has a history and the psyche retains many traces left from previous stages of its development” (jung 98). . The unconscious and its tendencies are not what we consider our self but they do “exert a formative influence on the psyche”(98). Perhaps this the source of our behaviour when we’re super wasted?
dreams
Dreams ,though they serve more than one purpose, are an expression of this unconscious. For this reason, the freudian’s and Jungians.. all those swiss dudes (among others) began to study dreams for practical purposes. “The general function of a dream is to try to restore our psychological balance by producing dream material that re-establishes, in a subtle way, the total psychic equilibrium”(jung 34). The difficulty in using this information to advantageously is that the unconscious does not speak in spoken language but rather through symbols. The dreamers relationship to an object or action may symbolize something to them, meaning there are many variations in interpretation of a symbol.
Your dream
With that established, your dream, is not to be taken as a literal prediction of the future; it is more like “an emotionally charged pictoral language” (jung 30). It may be an attempt by your unconscious to bring you back to a state of balance. For example i dreamed that i was in a car and i was not the driver, and i could see that the car was going to crash but i had no way to control the driver. I was so scared to die and felt i had no control over my own fate. I need to accept what i cant control, i need to do what i can to gain control.
In your dream you are killing her ex boy friends and when you wake up, you feel this is an overreaction that displays uncharacteristic aggression. Consciously you see these aggressive emotions are not good. You know you have to let your girl’s ex-boyfriends be a part of your psychic existence. You know not to try to psychically kill them off with inappropriate aggression. To do this, i suggest looking at the myth of the dragon.
The Symbol of the Dragon
So the dragon represents a non-human part of man. Sometimes we hear the word “reptilian” to describe people, and this, i believe is because some people understand the human mind through evolutionary characteristics. Reptiles are lower and earlier creatures in evolution. They just want to live, they, want to eat, to copulate and they are aggressive.
“western dragons live in caves and they have a beautiful girl whom they have captured but they can’t do anything with either treasure or maiden. They simply want to hold on.” Dragons lives are based around holding gripping but that is no life at all because there is no animation in it” (Campbell 29)
I believe you currently are overcome by the dragon. Defeating the dragon requires an elevated human side. You have learning to do. Your princess offers you power in the way of love energy but you must defeat your inner dragons yourself. To start with you must learn to enjoy what is there and care more about the moment, and what you have. Yes a relationship can offer you great power, lust for power stops you from enjoying what you really want to.
Works cited
Joseph Cambell. A Myth of Light : Eastern Metaphors of the Eternal
Carl G. Jung. Man and His Symbols
Also props to opticalshot’s post
|
I have to say I did not expect all these beautiful responses 
It is really heartwarming to read your opinions on this matter. I just want to clarify few things:
1) Yes, I talked with her a lot about this thing, and I still do. She said that she cannot change the past, but she wants to do everything in her power to make me go over this obsession of the past.
2) I am not afraid at all of losing her! The problem is not 'she did things, so she may do them again'. It is rather 'she did things and I cannot undo them'.
3) Thinking 'I did weird stuff do' does not help me. I regret many things I have done, and I think I would have become the person I am today even without them.
4) In the end, I know where I am wrong, I know what to do to feel better, but it is just difficult to do it. I spoke with a friend of mine whom girlfriend had a difficult past and he told me 'you know, sometimes it still hurts, but time will help you a lot'
And one final question which has been bugging me quite a bit: do you think it is better to know everything of your lover's past, or do you prefer to stay in the dark? I am not sure, because there are things she told me that even if in the beginning were hard to swallow, nowadays I sort of interiorized them. However, maybe it is better to just concentrate on the future... no idea. What is your shot on this?
|
Better to not know.
Better to know now than to find out later.
Better to know right now
In that order =)
Maybe it would help if you talked to some professional? A counsler or something? Maybe with your girlfriend... Don't know it might help...
|
|
|
And one final question which has been bugging me quite a bit: do you think it is better to know everything of your lover's past, or do you prefer to stay in the dark? I am not sure, because there are things she told me that even if in the beginning were hard to swallow, nowadays I sort of interiorized them. However, maybe it is better to just concentrate on the future... no idea. What is your shot on this?
The best thing is for this not to matter. love is better than appearance. if you really want this, let your love make you crazy...
I recommend the lyrics of some songs.
1. Backstreet boys- as long as you love me
2. Heart- Crazy on you
3. Beatles- all you need is love
|
I think you care so much about this relationship for which youve been basically waiting a super long time that youre finding the flaws to protect yourself and because some people are just scared of the famous "too good to be true."
Regardless I would advise you to let go the things you cant change, she did those things long time ago and they dont have to be a reflection of who she is today. Who you have today is a girl youre clearly crazy for, and she happens to feel the same way about you. Let go of your fears and live for your present, and work on what you can change (which is that obsession of yours.)
|
On August 30 2012 02:23 SoSexy wrote:
And one final question which has been bugging me quite a bit: do you think it is better to know everything of your lover's past, or do you prefer to stay in the dark? I am not sure, because there are things she told me that even if in the beginning were hard to swallow, nowadays I sort of interiorized them. However, maybe it is better to just concentrate on the future... no idea. What is your shot on this?
My dad talked to me about this a few months ago actually (married 20+ years). He said that you shouldn't share your past. He doesn't know my mom's past, my mom doesn't know his. They both know there were other partners from before they got married, but it is not something they talk about.
Of course, in the end it depends on the people involved. Individual experience and such.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT![[image loading]](http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/3/murciamaggiogiugno20124.jpg/)
